I resent my husband and it’s destroying me

[ThePinkGuitar]

Together nearly 20 years. 2 children.
3 main reasons the resentment has built up. When I was diagnosed with ptsd 2 years ago and basically falling to bits had to pull myself together and on with everything as husband was having a difficult time with his nerves so I had to basically keep everything going for kids and him.
He’s a coward with his mum Loooong story but basically needs to stand up for himself and us and cannot.
3- we accidentally got pregnant with third. We were about to move house and financially it would have been difficult but not impossible. He basically admitted he didn’t want child and encouraged me to terminate - he didn’t force me but I knew he would prefer it. Guilt trip over our 2 dc having to miss out on things if a third cake along, not being able to move to a nicer area with kids, his mental health couldn’t take it etc etc
I did terminate and it was horrific had to do it alone as Dh stayed with children. When I was home I had some massive side effect became poorly so had to take myself off to hospital whilst extremely ill on my own and then find my way home I’m the middle of the night.
That was it for Dh all sorted but for me the resentment has built and built I feel so much anger and pain. My ptsd is awful. Right now I’d like to go to sleep and never wake up.
I feel like I’ll never be happy again.
I depend on him I don’t know if I’d cope alone but can’t bear to look at him if he touches me it makes my skin crawl.
I don’t know how I ended up in this life.

Pink

Im horrified for you... you know this wasn't remotely acceptable my lovely ... your resentment must be simmering terribly .. please see a GP for a referral as suggested ... at least for some additional support 🌺

I'm so sorry you were pressured into an abortion. FWIW my DH had PTSD and EMDR therapy really helped.

Yeah I agree with previous posters re: CBT. It’s absolutely not for trauma (I work in psych) CBT is for challenging dysfunctional/negative thought patterns that contribute to things like anxiety and self sabotaging behaviours. You need help from a therapist that specialises in trauma and EMDR is very well researched with a very high success rate for PTSD. I’d start there.

Counselling could help, but it sounds like you're deeply unhappy. Could you consider a divorce, I know it's drastic but you need to be happy in life, it's so short.

Agree strongly with @Russellbrandshair - I had EMDR for PTSD, I can't recommend it highly enough.

Oh and your H is an arsehole, you don't need counselling to see that clearly.

Looking into emdr it’s around £70+ a session here from what I can tell and way out of my price range - is it available on nhs?

Oh and your H is an arsehole, you don't need counselling to see that clearly
Too true what fucking fool I’ve been my poor children what shit parents they’ve ended up with

This is all reminding me of things I would rather not re-visit. OP, I'm now thinking that you need to leave your husband even more than you need expensive counselling.

I think we all feel the same about not wanting our children to grow up in "broken homes". The reason I didn't want this is that my parents, and my upbringing, were so idyllic that I didn't want my DC to experience anything less.

But sometimes, that's the way it works out, horrible as it is.

Sending you love. Your feelings are understandable. Think I’d be more on the hate end of resentment tbh. It’s good you’re getting help for the ptsd. Specific non judgemental counselling for Post abortion / pregnancy loss is available on zoom from places like The Crossway Pregnancy centre . I feel it’s an audacity to advise you when you’ve been thru and are going thru so much . Well done even writing this stuff down , strong brave woman. Sending admiration and a hug .

OP I'm so sorry. When my husband pressured me to abort an unplanned third pregnancy, one thing that kept happening was that I kept saying 'divorce' instead of 'abortion' when arguing with him. My subconscious was telling me very clearly that the marriage wouldn't survive an unwanted abortion.

Husband and dc3 now get on fine, but our relationship has never quite recovered, and I regularly wonder whether I should have called it quits at some point, and sometimes if I still should.

So I guess the implication is that it seems unlikely to me that your relationship can come back from this. It doesn't really matter that he had his reasons. It's the combination of having got his way and not paying attention to what it did to you.

Maybe you feel like you've sacrificed so much already to keep the family together, and blowing it up now would waste all that effort. But perhaps it's more help to think about the future. There has to be something to be said for a future w/out a man who makes your skin crawl.

Or perhaps sit him down somewhere beyond the kids' earshot and shout at him. Make him listen. Tell him how he has messed with you, see how his response measures up, and take it from there.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself. All the best.

is it available on nhs

I know of one person who got it via the NHS and that was due to them losing a child in very distressing circumstances. They had to go for a PTSD assessment screening first and were categorised as potentially at risk of harming themselves due to it so they were fast tracked. This was way before covid though so not sure what it’s like now. I would imagine you would qualify if it was seriously affecting your activities of daily living (eg sleep, eating, etc). But I would be prepared for a long wait. I’d go to your GP and at least ask to be referred. We (especially women) have a tendency to minimise our emotional trauma because women have always traditionally been the ones to hold households together and act as carers for everyone else. So don’t hold back with the GP- make sure you tell them how this is affecting you every single day and how it’s seeping into every aspect of your life. You are allowed to express this, and it’s healthy to do so. Hopefully you can be referred.

I had EMDR on NHS through my GP so you’d need to make enquiries, you could also ask your nearest MIND office as some areas they are contracted to local community mental health team to deliver therapies.

Your husband is an absolute pig.

Thanks I won’t ring gp yet as started new type AD last week so they’ll assume it’s that not working yet I’ll give it couple week then ring about emdr.

My plan atm
Try and get a better paid FT job this should be achievable in next year as just got my professional accreditation
Take more control over finances - get paperwork copies
Do pass plus
Do emdr and make mh a priority

Then make a decision about what to do next. I think it’s pretty obvious but I’m too battered and weak atm need to build myself up mentally and physically to be ready.
I hope I can do it

OP, as well as EMDR, ‘EFT’ aka ‘tapping’ is good for trauma.
You can learn in from a therapist in a couple of sessions and then do it yourself at home as many times as you need. Once learnt it’s a skill that stays with you for life. It’s helped me with trauma a lot.
There are also loads of free YouTube videos on it.
Sending love 💓

You can do it, Pink. It's good to have plans, gives you something positive to focus on.

Echoing everyone else. Be proud of yourself for making a plan to be out of this situation. He is a horrible man. You deserve so much better.

you can do this Pink 🌺

So sorry to read this Pink, you sound battered but determined! You can do this.

Sometimes the enormity of a situation seems too much to comprehend but you are looking at it the right way. Small steps towards getting what you want and before you know it you will be there.

I’ve not spoken to him since yesterday. He could tell I’ve been crying my eyes are swollen from crying so much last night. Looked an absolute horror on the school run today but he’s not asked once if I’m ok.
I’ll have to speak to him at some point keep up the pretence of civility but not just yet.

Bless you, stay strong, you can do this! A better job, more financial freedom and a divorce will do you well. Your husband sounds awful.

I’m sorry .

Counselling won’t work for PTSD. The only thing that will work is something called EMDR. It’s bloody amazing. If you google emdr therapists in your area, I’m sure there will be a few to choose from. Good luck and I hope you can find some peace.

I mean this kindly OP, but it seems that you want to direct your anger towards him, whilst also recognising that the resentment is not helping you. You blame him for the decision that you made re the abortion and also for not going with you. However, it seems like you made the decision taking on board his comments. It doesn't sound as though he pressurised you into it. Didn't you say that you wanted to keep it a secret and that he said that, in which case, you would have to lie to any babysitters if he were to go with you. Presumably you also agreed with his solution that he stayed with the kids whilst you went alone? It wasn't his fault that you suffered complications during the night. It was nobody's fault, as awful as it was. And he did try to call taxis. What did you want him to do? Just keep on and on calling the same numbers if he had exhausted his options? Do you think that he should have woken the kids, put them in the car and driven out to fetch you? (Genuine question). Instead of feeling anger at him (which is not helping you right now), could you write down or tell him what you would have liked him to have done differently? It seems to me like the biggest issue is still your PTSD and the fact that he was unable, due to his own issues or personality, able to give you the support that you needed and that this other events have compounded that. I do not think that your husband is a pig and actually, I'm not convinced that you think this either deep down. And I wouldn't put him in the same camp as a guy who couldn't be arsed to help because he was watching the football. You acknowledge a lot of his good points too. But if you do want things to work, you are going need to address your PTSD first. I know that you have tried CBT, but I had it four times before it worked for me, because finally I clicked with the psychologist. You said that an event triggered your PTSD. Exposure therapy can be helpful, where you basically talk through what happened over and over again in small detail until you no longer feel a strong reaction to recounting the event. I had this on the NHS. I would highly recommend The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr Burns, which is used by the priory/NHS. It's a simple easy to follow book with practical written exercises in it that encourage you to become aware of any distorted thinking and the connection between thoughts and mood. Finally, the Calm App is well worth getting as the sleep stories and short mindfulness exercises are really calming. For what it's worth, I think that it's good that you've finally had a good cry today and are going to talk to him. You also seem receptive to getting help, which is an encouraging sign. You won't always feel like this! Getting help is frustrating and it takes work and time to start to get back onto your feet again. It's not a linear journey. But you will get there. Good luck with seeking out treatment and getting some help.

Also, starting new antidepressants can actually make you feel worse before you feel better. If you've been on them only for a week, then you could well be going through that tricky period. They take a few weeks to start working properly. However, if they make your emotions feel truly awful or suicidal then go back to the Dr and discuss asap.