I resent my husband and it’s destroying me

[ThePinkGuitar]

Together nearly 20 years. 2 children.
3 main reasons the resentment has built up. When I was diagnosed with ptsd 2 years ago and basically falling to bits had to pull myself together and on with everything as husband was having a difficult time with his nerves so I had to basically keep everything going for kids and him.
He’s a coward with his mum Loooong story but basically needs to stand up for himself and us and cannot.
3- we accidentally got pregnant with third. We were about to move house and financially it would have been difficult but not impossible. He basically admitted he didn’t want child and encouraged me to terminate - he didn’t force me but I knew he would prefer it. Guilt trip over our 2 dc having to miss out on things if a third cake along, not being able to move to a nicer area with kids, his mental health couldn’t take it etc etc
I did terminate and it was horrific had to do it alone as Dh stayed with children. When I was home I had some massive side effect became poorly so had to take myself off to hospital whilst extremely ill on my own and then find my way home I’m the middle of the night.
That was it for Dh all sorted but for me the resentment has built and built I feel so much anger and pain. My ptsd is awful. Right now I’d like to go to sleep and never wake up.
I feel like I’ll never be happy again.
I depend on him I don’t know if I’d cope alone but can’t bear to look at him if he touches me it makes my skin crawl.
I don’t know how I ended up in this life.

I’m so sorry OP for what you’ve been through. Agree about PTSD and getting help for that.

I don’t think this can be fixed in terms of your marriage. This isn’t just about healing emotional trauma. This is about him letting you down a d abandoning you in such a fundamental way that I don’t think anyone could get over it. I could not.
His actions were vile and they caused an emotional wound in you so deep that even IF he were remorseful (which he doesn’t appear to be!) I don’t think anything he says or does can heal this. He now makes your skin crawl- there is no going back from this in my opinion.

My advice would be to first heal and support yourself- address the hurts and try to find professional support to deal with it. The focus being on nurturing YOURSELF, regardless of him.
Then, when you feel in a more stable place, reevaluate whether you really can stay with a man who treated you so cruelly, I recommend the book too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira kirschenbaum. It will ask the questions you need to ask yourself regarding the true value of this relationship and will bring you the clarity you need.

You need the care of a mental health professional for your PTSD. Regardless of anything else that is the most important right now. Even the most supportive of husbands is not a mental health professional. You will not be in the right frame of mind to make any long term decisions while you are feeling like this. If you have the details please call your crisis team (you said you had been diagnosed).

Thanks I’m struggling to find the words think I’ve just hit rock bottom today.
I did have cbt last year it was not long after the termination it didn’t work for me. I didn’t disclose the abortion and held back a bit so I didn’t help myself really think maybe I wanted to punish myself even more ( guilt over termination plus the guilt over incident that caused the ptsd to begin with).
I rely on him for practical things rather than emotional- both incomes needed for the mortgage, I struggle driving anywhere other than our few little villages, i struggle to control the children he needs to step in often to get them to behave, he looks after finances and paperwork etc. I know that all sounds pathetic considering I’m 41 years old but there it is.
The children adore him and both myself and husband come from broken marriages I don’t want to put that pain onto our children.

I would never be able to give him. So sorry OP. I think you'll be so much happier without him. You deserve happiness, remember that.

Maybe you didn’t tell the therapist because you could not trust the therapist because they were not very good? I had to make a fuss to get a new therapist because the first one I had was awful. She knew the issues I was having with my PTSD and every session was her being just plain mean. If you don’t trust your therapist, you won’t be able to be fully honest with them and then the therapy doesn’t help. And it’s sad that the therapy did nothing for the guilt, it should have eased that for you. God I know how that guilt feels! You don’t sound pathetic, I was 39 when I went through several years of hell due to PTSD. I had to stop working for over a year!
Sending you good wishes

My heart is so broken. I really wanted a happy life. I’ve tried so hard

Fellow-sufferer here with (c)PTSD. You need help with this first and foremost. Ordinary counselling won't cut it I'm afraid, you need proper trauma therapy from a trained psychotherapist. I have shared experiences on Mumsnet with other sufferers, and many have echoed my own experience that EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) is a game-changer. I genuinely believe that I no longer have the condition (although I do recognise that further trauma in the future could re-trigger it and I'd then need further treatment), and it has enabled an objectivity and clarity of vision that I never could have imagined possible.

My own psychotherapist's view was that CBT does have its place, and in some circumstances it can be beneficial, but not to treat deep-rooted trauma and he didn't think it would have helped me. He also believed it was designed for use in very specific, controlled conditions, not as a catch-all treatment. But you will of course need to seek your own independent advice.

I'm sorry that you're in such pain, and have clearly been failed by someone who was closest to when you needed him most. But please please, seek help for your condition first. And be kind to yourself. You deserve at least that much.

Sending you a handhold if you'd like one. I'm sorry you are going through such an awful time

@Imworthit

Just leave you'll never get over the resentment of him taking your baby. It will be hard and strange but so so worth it. Life will get better 💐

This is a really dramatic way of thinking about this! He didn't take her baby.

OP even if you live far from family or don't have any other options for childcare do exist so was it his choice for him to stay at home while you had the termination?

He sounds massively disengaged with yiur needs and emotions. Before these things happened how were things?

I am so sorry he pressured you into terminating your pregnancy. I would be heartbroken and deeply resentful too, not least since he has been so callous about it. If it helps, tell us about the issues with his mother. He sounds like he is weak and self centred and not particularly empathetic.

Massive big hug to you. Sounds like you have had a time of it. Counselling could be a good move to help you work through everything you've been through. xxx

I didn’t want anyone to know and he said if we asked people to come over to watch the kids they would start asking questions- we should have lied. It was fucking horrendous going through it firstly to then dragging myself off to a and e and being discharged in the middle of the night unable to get straight home- no taxis. Seems very minor but wandering around city centre at 3am a few hours after termination and then subsequent treatment that was the bit where I felt the most vulnerable. He gave up ringing for taxis as none available I had to walk to the other side of town to get to the taxi rank. He couldn’t even get me a taxi fuck that.

please go to yuor gP be referred or wefl refer to your local 'wellbeing' 'talking therapies' team. you cna be treated for PTSD and you need couselling. please make this/ you a priority. you are having a really tough time and ned to make a time for you URGENTLY xx

OP, I could have written a lot of what you've said. My ex controlled all paperwork and fincances. I am in his words "a fucking cripple" but I have managed to do things fine, no better, since we split up. Things really are better because he's not breathing down my neck, showing his displeasure, getting angry, I am managing better than I ever thought I could. You might find your children easier to manage because you'll be able to concentrate on them rather than dancing to your husband's tune.

You can become yourself again. You are in an awful place right now but with the right help you will flourish

It is unfortunate that your husband isn't in a position to offer you the support that you need. I'm afraid that many men are just not good at such things, (including my own). It's soo frustrating when you are crying out for help and your partner lacks the initiative to seek out care for you. Instead of feeling resentful, which isn't going to help you right now, try to accept his failings or limitations. He doesn't sound like he's a bastard, just that he's inadequate at supporting you emotionally and taking over. Also have a look at your own behaviour in this respect. If you have been the strong one or the one who makes most of the decisions etc, and still continue to do so, you will inevitably find it hard to allow him the space to do things his way and in his own time and he will find it harder to step up to the mark. He is who he is and is unlikely to change, or at least not overnight. Try instead to think of what he does do to support you, albeit in his own way (contributing financially, practical skills, his parenting skills etc). Then also think about who else you could turn to for the emotional support that you need in your life (a close friend, a relative etc). Unburden yourself to them, see if they will help you arrange counseling etc. Also try not to put the blame solely on your husband for you falling pregnant or the abortion. It was presumably a ultimately a joint decision, even though he expressed his opinion and you took it on board. You must have agreed with some of the points re prioritizing your other two children. Try to view it as something that, although sad, you did out of love for your children. Try not to also ponder what could have been, particularly in a sugar coated way. The reality of a third child really could have been disastrous for your family given your PTSD and your husband's anxiety. For what it's worth it was a brave decision, but most probably the best one under the circumstances. That still doesn't make it any easier and you should seek professional help coming to terms with it. Also consider that your feelings of resentful, anger and frustration are also a symptom of your PTSD, so will exacerbate how you feel. Do reach out for help. And do try to make some time for yourself to get out, get a bit of exercise and meet a friend for a coffee. Planning your week out in advance in detail can really help when you are feeling low.

he said if we asked people to come over to watch the kids they would start asking questions- we should have lied.

His type of behaviour thrives on secrecy. I'm so sorry he put you through all that.

He couldn,t get you a taxi as you say none were available, thats not his fault. couldn,t you have phoned for one from the hospital?

I did June from the maternity unit I was treated at - only one direct dial taxi and they had none available- walked to front of a and e.none available. I tried several taxi firms so did he so my only option was to walk to taxi rank near pub/clubs.

Supposed in hindsight I should have gone back into a and e to wait but I wasn’t quite right in the head that day and wanted to get home to lie down

OP you sound very much like I did. My ex on paper was a great guy but he let me down on significant health occasions when I really need him. ( and battling with his mother) I look back on situations and think WTF?! For eg - I was having a ruptured eptopic and bleeding heavily and he wanted me to wait till he’d been to football before he took me hospital ( I was lay on the bed shaking in pain at this point) .. I made him take me and I was rushed in to theatre. There is more but there is no point reeking they off.

I got to flinching when he came near me because I couldn’t bare him. I felt his presence suffocated me and I was internally screaming.

I made the jump and left. We have always put the kids first so we managed the separation really well. We still have a very fluid family. I’m welcome in his home and he is welcome here. He is a food dad so I’ve never had any issues with co parenting and we actually get on much better than when we were together. I’m not looking for a new romance for the fore seeable and I’m happy with the set up.

But I can breath. I’m healing my self. I’m finding myself again. I’m happy and the kids are happy. Ex seems happy.

I really really recommend downloading ‘too good to leave too bad too stay’

Leaving is really scary but it’s doable. I’m doing it

You need counselling. Noone on here will see it from your husbands pov. I assume your mental health may be one of the reasons he felt another child would be a bad idea. You need help and that is the conversation you should be having.

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

I think he's done a bit of a number on you over many years. You characterise things as though the problem in your marriage is your sense of resentment, as though it's some kind of mysterious phenomenon in itself that you are solely responsible for dispatching and moving on from. But why wouldn't you resent him? He sounds like a pig. He pressured you into a termination you didn't want and couldn't even man up enough to go with you and hold your hand, or support you when you had complications. He can't handle your PTSD because of 'his nerves'. You had to go ahead with the housemove etc instead of having the baby because 'his mental health couldn't take it'.

Where are your needs in all of this? It doesn't sound like they're being met at all because he's too busy competing with them in every situation. No wonder you resent him. No wonder he makes your skin crawl. Why do you think you can't cope without him? Is that what he says?

All of this.

I'm not going to suggest you just up and leave him because that wouldn't be helpful right now but you have said you don't know if you'd cope without him and I'm not sure that you are coping with him or what exactly it is that he's putting into the relationship. Your needs are always second to his and yes, he has MH issues as well but PTSD is utterly destroying and you absolutely cannot and should not be expected to "cope" with all the family's needs when you are struggling to meet or identify your own needs.

I feel for you, so, so much and I hope the counselling happens soon, but if/when you decide you need to leave the marriage you will cope because you are already somehow managing to survive within a marriage where you have no one to rely upon but yourself. I'm typing this quite angrily because I cannot believe that not only did you have to go to have the termination by yourself, one you didn't really want to have, but you had to go back to the hospital, when you were suffering physically, by yourself and come home in the middle of the night, by yourself. He is a sorry excuse for a husband. I hope he can change but I think your resentment is built on years of him never stepping up to be there for you and it seems unlikely. Much, much love to you.

I tried several taxi firms so did he so my only option was to walk to taxi rank near pub/clubs

The way you worded your first post made me think that you were lost in an area that you didn't know at all, with DH refusing to help you. In fact, both you and your DH made every effort to call a cab, but to no avail, resulting in you walking to a place where you knew you could get a black cab.

I'm assuming that such dramaturgical thoughts are part of the PTSD and it really is essential that you go back, get more help and tell them everything. Nobody will judge, especially as an abortion, for any reason, is nothing to feel guilty about.

I disagree vicious - he gave up after trying a few firms therefore I had to solve it myself by walking across town albeit in a lot of pain and discomfort nothing to do with the lens of the trauma - anyone would not want to do that but I had zero option of getting home quick.