I resent my husband and it’s destroying me

[ThePinkGuitar]

Together nearly 20 years. 2 children.
3 main reasons the resentment has built up. When I was diagnosed with ptsd 2 years ago and basically falling to bits had to pull myself together and on with everything as husband was having a difficult time with his nerves so I had to basically keep everything going for kids and him.
He’s a coward with his mum Loooong story but basically needs to stand up for himself and us and cannot.
3- we accidentally got pregnant with third. We were about to move house and financially it would have been difficult but not impossible. He basically admitted he didn’t want child and encouraged me to terminate - he didn’t force me but I knew he would prefer it. Guilt trip over our 2 dc having to miss out on things if a third cake along, not being able to move to a nicer area with kids, his mental health couldn’t take it etc etc
I did terminate and it was horrific had to do it alone as Dh stayed with children. When I was home I had some massive side effect became poorly so had to take myself off to hospital whilst extremely ill on my own and then find my way home I’m the middle of the night.
That was it for Dh all sorted but for me the resentment has built and built I feel so much anger and pain. My ptsd is awful. Right now I’d like to go to sleep and never wake up.
I feel like I’ll never be happy again.
I depend on him I don’t know if I’d cope alone but can’t bear to look at him if he touches me it makes my skin crawl.
I don’t know how I ended up in this life.

@ThePinkGuitar

Long story short things were starting to improve somewhat we were starting to show each other a bit of affection. Then last night happened. Basically ever since abortion husband keeps promising he will have the snip but hasn’t done yet (blames Covid) he doesn’t like using condoms boo boo. I won’t have sex without protection obviously so we have not had sex since. I said I would like the option so he needs to push on with snip but then he dropped the bombshell he’s not sure now he doesn’t definitely not want another child. 🤔 He was very sure last year we could afford it couldnt manage etc etc Our finances have not dramatically changed or anything. Wtf?

OP, this just does it. After everything you've been through and the reasons for it, and then this. It's not that he doesn't want to have the snip, that's his choice, it's that he pressured you to have a termination when you didn't want one on grounds of it being so dreadful to have another child, but then does a complete about-turn when it comes to something HE would have to go through. And that on top of not giving a shit about what the termination cost you. Or using condoms to prevent a repeat of your trauma.

If he won't even validate your feelings by admitting they exist and you've a right to them, you need to consider your options. You say you don't know how you ended up in this life, well, it IS possible to forge another one. Your life partner is supposed to love and care for you.

He's been showing you affection to get sex again OP.

Sorry you're going through this

@Pr1mr0se

Definitely get some counselling - lots of counselling can be done via FaceTime or whatever so no need to wait due to lockdown.

Try and get your DH to at least the first session with the counsellor as this will help you both communicate. Also may help him be more supportive as you continue your conselling sessions.

I hope you also have other support (close family / friends) who you can rely on too.

This, so very much this.

It sounds like it's a communication issue. He's not talking to you about his feelings, until he blurts it all out at once.

You're fully suffering 24/7 (and it makes me feel really upset to write that) every day with the stresses of family life, and fighting the PTSD in your own head, and it's totally unsustainable. Is DH concerned that he can't talk to you because of the PTSD and the anger? Is he just a wimp?

Please speak to someone, even a few sessions can help, they really know HOW to listen. I had 6 months of weekly sessions and I learned SO much about myself and how I handle things. There is no stigma in it, and they are very very discreet.

And then the two of you can communicate and speak things through - you're together for a reason, you obviously love each other. I wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world.

@IJustWantSomeBees
But I stated 'you can decide if you cal live with him by his actions' so I didn't encourage her to stay.
In my emotionally suppressed experience people don't properly discuss anything uncomfortable - eg the OP mentioned DH not dealing with his DM - what does that mean, has OP asked about why this difficult sounding issue exists. Maybe his bad relationship with his mother might shed light on his behaviour towards the OP.
I'm not excusing him, but she's married an inconsiderate git, by all appearances, but he is the DCs father - getting the relationship on an even keel, even if it ends in divorce, is in everyone's interest.

He is not a nice person if he pressured you into an abortion. If he does not want more children then it is for him to get the snip. It sounds like your husbands lack of support for you is making your PTSD worse. Would he go to Relate with you to talk through your feelings about the termination? Does he even care how you feel? If all you have to depend upon is a person who makes you feel worse I am not surprised you are struggling. From what you say he is not good enough for you if he leaves you to del with everything alone.

Oh goodness, I've just come across this thread, you poor love.