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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

18yo DS and job hunting.

114 replies

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 25/10/2020 09:38

Genuinely don’t know if I’m expecting too much here.

He’s at college and has a gf who lives nearly an hour’s drive away from us, but closer to college. We pay for a bus/train pass to college, in excess of £100 a month. He gets £15 a month pocket money.

He spends most weekends at his GFs house. We facilitate this by giving him lifts or paying for the train. I told him after this morning’s request for a lift home that he needs to get a job.

Which brings me to my AIBU. He says he’s applying, and looking for new jobs once a week. He reckons there are no jobs.

I think he should be applying for absolutely everything, and looking everyday. And I don’t believe there are no jobs.

For context I was recently made redundant from my retail job and spent six weeks looking for work, I applied for nearly 50 jobs and only had 3 interviews. I now work in a pub and most of my colleagues are his age. I know the job market is hard but I think he needs to prioritise it.

He’s only in college three days a week and does very little (nothing) around the house in the way of chores. He a pleasant lad and no trouble but I’m really worried about his work ethic.

WIBU to set a deadline for him to get a job or we just stop bankrolling him? I’d also like him to learn to drive (he has lessons banked since his 17th birthday which have never been booked) but without a job that would be pointless as he’s got no way to pay for petrol or insurance.

I left home at 15 so I have rubbish boundaries about parenting older teenagers and I would appreciate any advice here.

Dh earns well so it’s not about affordability btw. Just that I don’t know how much bankrolling of him we should be doing now.

OP posts:

Lilac95 · 25/10/2020 09:45

It is hard to find part time work at school/college age without a car, it took me a year to find something suitable and I started in a supermarket just after 17. He’s an adult now and definitely needs to stop being bank rolled, he says he’s looking 1 day a week, fab!, but how many jobs is he actually applying for? Why should you bankroll his relationship? He could easily work a few evenings a week and a weekend shift at a supermarket and have cash to see his girlfriend and college and also learn to drive. Time for him to man up

Loveable1 · 25/10/2020 09:46

So he only has £15 a month to spend on things is that correct? If so how does he manage? Does he not want to go places with girlfriend? Dinner etc?

Does the girl friend have a job?

Ohalrightthen · 25/10/2020 09:50

I think your expectations are too high - there are TONNES of unemployed people around and the majority of them will be

A) much more available (not just one day a week)

B) much more flexible (able to drive, switch shifts, etc)

C) much more experienced

Than your son.

There are also many fewer jobs. Pubs won't be hiring right now as they are running fewer hours and skinnier shifts due to social distancing. Shops and cafes will also be running skinnier shifts due to SD. Supermarkets and the like have more staff than they know what to do with due to all the people picking up extra shifts over lockdown etc.

Nowhere round me is hiring.

He should be learning to drive though.

whyarewehardofthinking · 25/10/2020 10:02

I'd say that the job market is very tough right now. Lots of my 6th formers (including my own nearly 17 DD) are trying to find jobs without any look I know DD has applied for 19 since the start of 6th form when she got her timetable but only 1 interview so far despite lots of volunteer work, and that went to someone much more experienced and older.

Definitely push the driving!

SadderThanEeyore · 25/10/2020 10:03

Tell him he has to do set chores in the house, reduce them pro rata when he gets work. I'd pay mine to clean the house for me tbh as I work a lot of hours and I'm knackered.

murkoff · 25/10/2020 10:05

It’s very difficult, this reminds me of my dad. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t working at 14 because he was.

I think that £15 a month is really not enough. I understand you want to force his hand but it is really hard finding casual work now.

Original poster

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 25/10/2020 10:06

He has £15 pocket money straight in his account (this is unchanged since childhood really) but we do give him money pretty much whenever he asks.

We have 16yo DD as well and I’m having the same conversation with her.

I was completely self reliant at their age which was far from ideal and not what I want for them, but equally I worry that they are growing up spoilt and expect too much.

OP posts:

murkoff · 25/10/2020 10:06

Ah OK, that’s different then.

To be honest out of the two extremes I think self reliance that comes too soon is the more damaging.

MyOwnSummer · 25/10/2020 10:06

The longer he goes without any experience on his CV, the worse it will be for him when he starts trying to apply.

A 16yo with no experience, fair enough
An 18yo with no experience, ok just about
A 21yo with no experience- unlikely to even get an interview

Definitely time to give him a shove in the right direction

murkoff · 25/10/2020 10:07

I never mentioned any of my part time college jobs when I graduated myown.

Doobydoo · 25/10/2020 10:09

It is hard. DS is 21 and just graduated from Uni. Applying for jobs all over the place. I would say learning to drive impirtant..our ds is going to (finally!).It is really tough out there as I am sure you know.

soundsfishie · 25/10/2020 10:10

WIBU to set a deadline for him to get a job or we just stop bankrolling him?

I think so, yes. Getting a job in the midst of thousands of redundancies is not easy, as you found yourself when you applied for so many jobs. If he is actively looking I would continue to support him, I don't think £15 a month with a bit extra and transport to college is bankrolling.

Could you look into the bus pass situation and see if upping the level would give him weekly travel for more then just college. Also, would his girlfriend not be able to come to you rather then him always going to her? Although I appreciate that's an extra person to feed, it's got to be cheaper than the cost of trains etc.

LouiseTrees · 25/10/2020 10:12

@MyOwnSummer

The longer he goes without any experience on his CV, the worse it will be for him when he starts trying to apply.

A 16yo with no experience, fair enough
An 18yo with no experience, ok just about
A 21yo with no experience- unlikely to even get an interview

Definitely time to give him a shove in the right direction

I agree with this. Yes the job market is very hard right now but that’s no reason for him not to put a proper effort in and show he is doing so. Maybe give him the 15 quid. If he already has saving each lift now costs a quid, if no savings ignore that. Tell him he can earn a lift by doing more around the house. Stop all other monies apart from the 15 quid.

ChickensMightFly · 25/10/2020 10:14

I think he is a little too comfy to be strongly motivated to change his circumstances or impose additional effort on himself. Personally I'd be looking at reducing his support or making it conditional on him being more Pro-active, he should at least be booking the driving lessons which are just sitting there waiting to go.
Some people need a bit more of a shove to get going than others, maybe he is a bit of a laid back chap.
Thinking back to myself at that age, I want the most Pro-active sort, I hadn't grown up enough to find the self discipline and I had some problems that had a stifling effect on my motivation... Only the fact that my parents weren't bailing me out our actively saving me from my own laziness made me get going. They weren't in the position to do so which meant there was no decision or discussion about that to be had, whereas you are having to make a choice. It would be simpler of you didn't.
These days I'm terribly responsible and terminally Pro active but 18 yo me needed stark necessity to find that in myself

Original poster

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 25/10/2020 10:14

He already has the top tier bus pass but the town GF lives in isn’t easy to get to on the bus, it would be a three hour + trip. She is very welcome here and has stayed before but she is quite anxious and prefers to be at home.

I’ve kept pocket money low to incentivise them to get jobs but instead we just end up handing out extra cash so it seems a bit pointless.

OP posts:

Tiersforfears · 25/10/2020 10:15

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets I was with you until you said it’s not about affordability. If you couldn’t afford it then yes he needs a job but he’s 18 and in full tim education I actually think £15 a month pocket money is quite mean! He won’t be able
To anything. If he wasn’t in education then yes he needs a job.

ChickensMightFly · 25/10/2020 10:16

If he can't find paid work (despite putting the effort in) he needs to get creative about other ideas to build some experience (which is where being able to provide conditional parental support would be useful to keep him afloat while he does), volunteer, a project... Something, not nothing, even in virus times the determined can think of something constructive to do

Shastabeast · 25/10/2020 10:17

Lay off the job issue right now. But he needs to earn his lifts and pocket money by doing more around the house.

Original poster

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 25/10/2020 10:23

The chores thing is a whole other issue. Up until very recently they were both expected to wash up every evening (alternate eves). When he started college we changed the days around, and then when he started staying away at the weekends it fell apart a bit. I had a bit of a meltdown the other week about the whole thing as dh (v rigid) would expect him to do it when he got back, and it would end up being left for days. And DD would refuse as it wasn’t her day. I’m rarely home at dinner times so it’s not something I could control.

Anyway, I lost my shit and now dh just gets on and does it so we have a clean kitchen but no chores.

OP posts:

Tiersforfears · 25/10/2020 10:27

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets

Not really relevant but growing up we all did the dishes as a family (not mum as she cooked) but me and dad and my siblings, it helped up bond and work as a team. Maybe get them to work together to do the dishes each night and if he’s not there then your husband and daughter do it together, I hate the attitude of it’s not my night your kids should be working together as a team.

Original poster

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 25/10/2020 10:33

I like that idea. One of the reasons I lost my shit was the whole attitude (including from DH) that it wasn’t their turn.

I think it’s the whole work ethic thing that worries me overall. Fuck all chores and no job isn’t healthy. And he really doesn’t muck in overall, DD does much more (babysitting the youngest, dogs, keeps her room tidy, cooks).

OP posts:

Toddlerteaplease · 25/10/2020 10:36

£15 a month won't even really cover coffee and cake with his girlfriend.

LouiseTrees · 25/10/2020 10:38

Ps I know it doesn’t help with money but if it’s about entitlement or experience then volunteering might be a good idea

LouiseTrees · 25/10/2020 10:40

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets

I like that idea. One of the reasons I lost my shit was the whole attitude (including from DH) that it wasn’t their turn.

Start giving her more official money then and tell him it’s because he doesn’t help around the house.

ukgift2016 · 25/10/2020 10:46

We are in the Christmas season, a great time for him to find a part time job.

OP if that was my child, I would stop giving him money whenever he asked for it. I would continue with the £15pw pocket money but would refuse to fund anything else with his lifestyle. You do not want to raise a lazy man, it is time now to instill work ethics into him.

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