18yo DS and job hunting.

[YippeeKayakOtherBuckets]

Genuinely don’t know if I’m expecting too much here.

He’s at college and has a gf who lives nearly an hour’s drive away from us, but closer to college. We pay for a bus/train pass to college, in excess of £100 a month. He gets £15 a month pocket money.

He spends most weekends at his GFs house. We facilitate this by giving him lifts or paying for the train. I told him after this morning’s request for a lift home that he needs to get a job.

Which brings me to my AIBU. He says he’s applying, and looking for new jobs once a week. He reckons there are no jobs.

I think he should be applying for absolutely everything, and looking everyday. And I don’t believe there are no jobs.

For context I was recently made redundant from my retail job and spent six weeks looking for work, I applied for nearly 50 jobs and only had 3 interviews. I now work in a pub and most of my colleagues are his age. I know the job market is hard but I think he needs to prioritise it.

He’s only in college three days a week and does very little (nothing) around the house in the way of chores. He a pleasant lad and no trouble but I’m really worried about his work ethic.

WIBU to set a deadline for him to get a job or we just stop bankrolling him? I’d also like him to learn to drive (he has lessons banked since his 17th birthday which have never been booked) but without a job that would be pointless as he’s got no way to pay for petrol or insurance.

I left home at 15 so I have rubbish boundaries about parenting older teenagers and I would appreciate any advice here.

Dh earns well so it’s not about affordability btw. Just that I don’t know how much bankrolling of him we should be doing now.

if you in higher education-ie uni you can get a student loan but not for further education which is what college is- like sixth form

Ignore my previous comment. DD got a student loan but she was in higher education at college. In Scotland colleges offer both further and higher education.

I have similar with my 18 year old. Slightly complicated as he has some SEN which puts an extra barrier in his way. He gets transport and lunch money for college, I buy his clothes and pay for his phone contract. If he wants money for the weekend he cleans the house for £20 on a Friday, to a decent standard (I write him a list, with each room broken down into individual tasks. There’s about 20 tasks in total).

What is his course in? Do you expect it to lead to a good job? There are a lot of desperate people out there now going for jobs that 18 year olds may have got as starter jobs previously

He’s doing software engineering (which is what dh does) and is doing really well, university next year is very much on the cards.

I agree about starter jobs, I’m in one myself and appreciate that a lot of firms will choose the 40yo with exp over the 18yo without. That said, we are in the SE with minimal unemployment and he hasn’t bothered applying to Lidl, Aldi, Coop because he thinks they are shit jobs. So that’s the state of play regarding his ‘job hunting’.

And before anyone moans at me for taking a starter job I don’t need, I have a wonderful array of MH issues that mean I need to work to stay sane but have never managed to stick at anything for more than two years. So min wage bar work is my jam.

Royal Mail are apparently looking

I was forced to get a job at my local supermarket when I was 17 and that was it, not a penny more pocket money or handouts after that

Honestly I think the most important thing is for him to get good grades. We are also in a pandemic. I disagree with what you say about SE and low unemployment. It sounded like it took you a long time to get a job. You sound a bit jealous of him to be honest. If money’s not an issue I’d let him enjoy himself but make clear he needs to contribute to chores at home and look for summer holiday work.

A bit jealous of him? That’s a weird flex. I’m interested to know why you’ve come to that?

Also I don’t think 6 weeks is that long to find a job and my point is I applied everywhere, he’s had two years and applied for about four.

he's a kid. you can afford to give him an allowance.
leave him to concentrate on his studies.

but i wouldn't have him staying over at his girlftriend all the time.
and he needs to be part of the household team looking after the house

Right so what we’ve come up with is upping allowance to cover train fare x 2 weekends at the girlfriends, plus a bit extra for spends. If he wants more he needs to find a job.

Everyone pitches in with housework; no one leaves the room until kitchen is clean (we did this tonight, took seconds). All their own laundry. Keep their own bathroom clean. Pick up after themselves.

Let’s see how we get on. As I say I have no good template for parenting adult teenagers, and im torn between spoiling them and depriving them and where the boundary is.

@Prettybluepigeons

he's a kid. you can afford to give him an allowance. leave him to concentrate on his studies.

but i wouldn't have him staying over at his girlftriend all the time.
and he needs to be part of the household team looking after the house

Are you reading the same thread as me? He is an adult and it's not up to OP whether he stays with his girlfriend.

Great plan OP - I hope it works out well.

he might be legally an adult but an 18 year old at 6th form college is a kid in my eye.

My 16 yr old has just got a job at McD, its a great starting job that can take them to better jobs later?

and if he is living under her roof, being supported by her in every single way then he can't just do exactly as he pleases 'because he is an adult'

@Prettybluepigeons

he might be legally an adult but an 18 year old at 6th form college is a kid in my eye.

Fortunately is the law that counts and not 'your eye'

I left home at 15

That’s irrelevant.

I was completely self-reliant at their age

Again, irrelevant. Were you still in full time education at 16, or even at 18?

Jobs are difficult to find right now. If he is 18 I am assuming he will be taking A levels next year. Would having a job right now negatively affect his studies? IMO getting the right grades is more important.

£15 a month spending money is ridiculously low. I also think that to want your kids to be functioning fully independently as an adult, at the age of 16 is completely unreasonable. Just because you did it, it doesn’t mean it’s right. His brain isn’t even fully developed at 16.

I agree with this ^^. Your children aren’t you.

How welcome do you make his girlfriend feel? DD had a boyfriend who used to spend most of his spare time at our house because he wanted to see her, and his parents never made her feel welcome. In the nearly 4 years she went out with him she was invited to tea just once!

So at his age I was living 150 miles away from family, working full time. I absolutely don’t want that for him, but it does skew my perception of how much support I should be giving him and whether it’s too much or too little if you see what I mean. And I had him at 22. Meanwhile my brother is 28 and has lived at home until now and my parents have just given him the money to buy a flat. So that’s the two extremes I have experience of and neither is ideal.

We make her very welcome. She is an only child though and has diagnosed anxiety and I think our chaos is a bit much for her (five people, two dogs, two busy working ft parents as opposed to her own space and routine). So they choose her house as it’s easier and quieter.

Ideally I would have preferred DD to have had a job but she has CFS, and her grades would have suffered. However, she was a young leader at Brownies for 3 years, and worked and volunteered during her gap year.

Things are blurred OP because your comparing. You came from a different life by the sounds of it. You can’t blame DS for that can you? It’s not fair.

The work ethic part.... you need to teach him. Ask him how the job search is going, send him any suitable jobs you see around.

It seems really tough getting jobs at the moment. My DS is in a similar position, just started college and has been applying for jobs for ages - as have most of his friends. He's been lucky and just managed to get offered a position, but most jobs he didn't even get a reply from, really deflating.

At 18 and not working he absolutely should be doing chores.

Its hard to get your first job with no experience.
I think spending one day a week focussing on searching for a job is ok while he is still at college. Presumably he has coursework to do at home and also needs some down time.
Volunteering for a while to gain experience would make him more employable, but obviously he would need to take into account travel costs. £15 a month pocket money is fairly low tbh. I think a.lot of teenagers would struggle on that but presumably he isnt going out much other than to GF house.
I would definitely keep encouraging the job search but be supportive too, can you help him with his cv and job applications? A lot of teenagers dont know where to start and need a helping hand.