18yo DS and job hunting.

[YippeeKayakOtherBuckets]

Genuinely don’t know if I’m expecting too much here.

He’s at college and has a gf who lives nearly an hour’s drive away from us, but closer to college. We pay for a bus/train pass to college, in excess of £100 a month. He gets £15 a month pocket money.

He spends most weekends at his GFs house. We facilitate this by giving him lifts or paying for the train. I told him after this morning’s request for a lift home that he needs to get a job.

Which brings me to my AIBU. He says he’s applying, and looking for new jobs once a week. He reckons there are no jobs.

I think he should be applying for absolutely everything, and looking everyday. And I don’t believe there are no jobs.

For context I was recently made redundant from my retail job and spent six weeks looking for work, I applied for nearly 50 jobs and only had 3 interviews. I now work in a pub and most of my colleagues are his age. I know the job market is hard but I think he needs to prioritise it.

He’s only in college three days a week and does very little (nothing) around the house in the way of chores. He a pleasant lad and no trouble but I’m really worried about his work ethic.

WIBU to set a deadline for him to get a job or we just stop bankrolling him? I’d also like him to learn to drive (he has lessons banked since his 17th birthday which have never been booked) but without a job that would be pointless as he’s got no way to pay for petrol or insurance.

I left home at 15 so I have rubbish boundaries about parenting older teenagers and I would appreciate any advice here.

Dh earns well so it’s not about affordability btw. Just that I don’t know how much bankrolling of him we should be doing now.

My daughter is in the same sort of situation. I’ve suggested she volunteer somewhere to at least get some experience . Sadly in the current climate, that is also proving difficult.

£15 a month isn’t really enough. But you’re stuck in that he’s not pulling his weight either.

I would

• stop giving him train fare or lifts unless he pulls his weight. If that means he has a 3 hour bus trip well tough

• give him more pocket money for chores and if he does no chores he gets zero. So link all money to chores

• as part of chores I’d count job hunting properly

Also what age is his gf? If they’re sleeping together he needs condoms. I don’t know that I’d be happy with my DS absenting himself that much from family life at 17 and me knowing so little about where he was and what he was doing.

Is he applying himself to his college work?

Cut him a little slack. My 18 year old is applying for 5-10 jobs a week since the summer and has not had one single interview. I’m more focused on maintaining his mental health at he moment as this year is VERY different to the gap year travelling he had planned.

I don’t know that I’d be happy with my DS absenting himself that much from family life at 17 and me knowing so little about where he was and what he was doing.

He is 18. OP knows where he is going.

But he is still at college and technically living at home.

And Covid.

My DC has applied for loads of jobs with no luck. Part of the problem will be people like me. I lost my business during covid and applied for any job going. I am able to be fully flexible with hours and have a car plus years of employment history. I am now doing a job that would have been great for my DC.

@Frdd

But he is still at college and technically living at home.

And Covid.

He is still 18. An adult. He is still allowed to see his girlfriend.

I know he’s allowed. I just think it’s a difficult age.

I wouldn’t personally facilitate him seeing the gf because it’s an hour away and he’s demanding lifts. He could get the bus (or the train but I don’t think from what the op says his ticket covers the train)

Ok I’ve been talking to dh while posting and I think we’ve come to a consensus.

Expecting him to get a job is probably unrealistic, I am 41 and doing a min wage job surrounded by teenagers and the job market is flooded with people like me.

I’m going to up their allowance but stop the handouts, and their allowance is reliant on them pitching in. I’m going for the approach that, for example, everyone stays in the kitchen until it’s clean. We’re going to stop doing their laundry. If DS can’t afford the train he’ll have to take the three hour bus trip.

17/18 year olds don’t need to tell their parents their every movement!! He’s not 13!

OP it is a tricky time work wise so I’d cut him a bit of slack.

15 a month?
Seriously?

Both my DDs 16 and 17 both at college have just got jobs after applying for two weeks. The 17 year old is on her 2nd job now. YANBU to expect him to get a job at 18

My dc is 16. Had 2 small paid jobs pre covid and a volunteer job. Dc has lost both paid jobs due to covid however is looking for something new but jobs are limited, was turned down this week because he wasn't flexible enough (2 1/2 days in college-- for a 10 hour contract). He keeps going and has another interview this week the issue seems to be they want applicants available 24/7 for only a few hours work.
Try Facebook jobs, directly looking at company websites eg tesco, home bargains. Dc did find getting a job before easier once started doing voluntary work as had a good reference and could show commitment /work ethic. Volunteering is also good to put on uni applications or for certain job sectors.

There are some jobs but you need to be persistent and follow up. DS, 18 and at uni, just landed a job at a cafe but he did have experience in various other jobs beforehand. It did take him a couple of weeks of walking the streets and handing out his CV.
Other PP have mentioned Christmas and there will be jobs with that. DS also works each year at a Christmas tree pop up shop and will do so again this year.

I agree it's a really difficult job market (understatement) at the moment, but I voted YANBU.

My parents gave me the same chat when I was 15 - get a job and keep my pocket money (they insisted my wages went into savings), or no job and no pocket money.

I've done some (literally) shitty jobs that I didn't enjoy at the time, but it's given me a work ethic and, initially when I left school, a CV that has helped me a lot in my career. I was also the only person I know to graduate without ever going into their overdraft, and I am not from a well-off background (got EMA if you remember that!), but had three jobs at uni.

I've subsequently been in the position of hiring graduates, and actively avoided those who had graduated without so much as a weekend or summer job.

Also seen that he does less housework than his sister - that should really stop OP; you run the risk of inadvertently teaching him that women do the housework whilst men get to have more downtime.

I give my son £50 a month! He did work before lockdown though, and I don't think it's realistic to expect him to get a job while at college at the moment - and he has plenty of savings from birthdays etc as he's not a big spender. I only worked 4 hours a week when I was in sixth form with a bit of extra work in the summer holidays.

I do see where you are coming from OP - they do need to develop a work ethic and some notion of the value of money, but this is a very difficult time.

I don't count bus pass as bank-rolling if they need it to get to college.

I also don't think your dd should be babysitting your youngest unless you pay her. As far as the dogs are concerned, did your son want them? There are chores that are fair to impose on kids (eg keep room tidy) and others (related to the other kids or pets they didn't ask for) that are not. If he did want the dogs then you could tell him to walk them occasionally...

As for the dishes, if he's out on "his" day, why not swap the days round?

I've subsequently been in the position of hiring graduates, and actively avoided those who had graduated without so much as a weekend or summer job

I hope you stop doing that now given the situation. Being able to find a job is a big question of luck. If there are no jobs, you can't get one and is it even fair for a 18 year old to take a job that a 25 year old might need to pay their rent?

£15 a month spending money is ridiculously low. I also think that to want your kids to be functioning fully independently as an adult, at the age of 16 is completely unreasonable. Just because you did it, it doesn’t mean it’s right. His brain isn’t even fully developed at 16.

I've subsequently been in the position of hiring graduates, and actively avoided those who had graduated without so much as a weekend or summer job.

How awful. Did you take circumstance into consideration or did you just write them off without another glance?

Instead of handing out money at his will, pay him to be your cleaner.
Set an expectation of hours, results, payment and adhere to it.

Ie 4 hours a week at £12.50 will see his income rise to £50 a week. Much more reasonable than just handover cash for nothing. He can then budget and still seek alternative employment but starts to understand the world isn’t free. Obviously, you’d adjust the amount to what you usually hand over.

Ordinarily I would be saying YANBU, I’ve always worked wherever there is work and think it’s really important for young adults to get responsibility and freedom but right now I do think YABU.
You yourself got 3 interviews from 50 applications but you had prior customer experience and work experience, no conflicting time based responsibilities (I’m assuming) whereas he has college, would likely be easier to train (having worked before), shown consistency of showing up and not moving on so quickly, and had been made redundant with a family (which may have led to selection considering you need it more than an 18 year old applicant). As for most people being his age where you work, it’s very possible that they have held these positions from earlier in the year, the job market hasn’t been flooded until September when many were made redundant due to furlough costing. If you feel he isn’t putting in the effort make a target such as applying for 20 roles a week. That is within his control and he can’t say it’s unfair whereas getting a job is out with his control right now I think.

£15 a month. Brilliant.

He's in education. Your expectations should be higher for chores and driving lessons, but calling £115 a month 'bank rolling' is hilarious.

Also if he's spending most weekends at his girlfriends who is feeding him there? Sounds like he's staying there without having to pitch in anything.

my son is 17 and at 6th form. he leaves the house at 7.30am and gets home about 5. when would he work?
i give him 50 quid a month and pay for clothes, toiletries etc
He has a bus pass.

He does jobs around the house like wash up and hoover because he lives here.

@Doobydoo

It is hard. DS is 21 and just graduated from Uni. Applying for jobs all over the place. I would say learning to drive impirtant..our ds is going to (finally!).It is really tough out there as I am sure you know.

Same here. It is strange as I was of the generation to leave school at 16 and get a job. Left home at 17 and have always been independent.

Different times now unfortunately.