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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Covid dispute

59 replies

Jtbm · 25/10/2020 09:07

Hi 👋
I will make it as brief as I can -
My partner of 3 years has 2 teenage children from one marriage to stay every other weekend along with a 7 year old child from a second relationship. All at different schools with step sisters in their primary Carers homes, also living in different counties to one another.
He has currently got decorators in redecorating bedrooms and a plumber in working on a bathroom. His parents are both remarried and all visiting his house and he seems to fit in going to the gym and pub or mates houses for a beer....:
He is on the brink of ending our relationship because I will only agree to seeing him in a socially distanced fashion with zero intimate contact due to the volume of people and households he is mixing with on a daily and close basis, kissing and cuddling.
I live with my 10 year old daughter and we have only seen friends and family outside other than the school bubble this term. I have been working from home since March and not had anyone in our home....
I am worried I am going to loose my partner if I do not drop my defence but I am really worried that he is not behaving responsibly and I don’t want to be at such high risk? Am I being to careful or am I doing the right thing?
Any thoughts on what’s best to do?

OP posts:
Rotundandhappy · 25/10/2020 09:09

That sounds very muddling.

Fluffybutter · 25/10/2020 09:10

Are you or your daughter vulnerable ?
That will affect the answer for me .

sirfredfredgeorge · 25/10/2020 09:18

You are being more restrictive than the law, the guidelines, the guidelines even for shielding individuals, so I can understand his viewpoint, a partner you can barely see and can't even hold their hand will be a struggle for anyone.

It is your choice to make on the rules you feel comfortable with, you've prioritised your child's health by allowing them to go to school, you need to consider yours too. Your worries appear completely bizarre to me, but they are real to you.

FOJN · 25/10/2020 09:20

It sounds like you've made a decision about the amount of exposure to other people you're comfortable with and have not asked him to change what he does but he is demanding you change what you do. I don't think you are being unreasonable to limit your risks given that you have a 10 year old to look after but equally he has the right to decide that a relationship on your current terms is unacceptable to him even if it's an unreasonable position.

Your decision is whether the relationship or protection of you and your daughter is more important. I don't think your level of vulnerability is relevant but your boundaries are.

Aragog · 25/10/2020 09:22

What tier are you in and is anyone particularly vulnerable to Covid?

Visiting children - allowed throughout lockdown and something to be encouraged; it's good he is seeing his children.

Work/trades people working in the house - all perfectly fine, will be being done in a Covid secure manner if using a decent business.

Going to the gym - allowed

If in tier 1 then seeing people indoors is fine though they should be SDing whilst doing so.

I can see why he'd be frustrated that you and he can't have any contact. As part of an established relationship you don't have to SD anymore.

But it's hard to say without knowing how vulnerable you and your Dd are, or if he's breaking the guidelines, which will depend on your tier.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 25/10/2020 09:22

I think you're bonkers! Live your life. Your poor DD. You know this shit could last years?

Original poster
Jtbm · 25/10/2020 09:24

No we are not but I have 95 year old grandparents who I have restricted close time with due to their vulnerability and one of his children are diabetic

OP posts:
Original poster
Jtbm · 25/10/2020 09:27

Thank you all for your comments

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 25/10/2020 09:29

How old are you? What exactly are you worried about? You dont sound very compatible...

Original poster
Jtbm · 25/10/2020 09:31

Honestly, ending up too ill to look after my daughter.

OP posts:
PleasantVille · 25/10/2020 09:34

Sorry, it's a bit complicated for me to take in all the information but no one is unreasonable to stick to their own precautions as long as they aren't having an unduly negative effect on the rest of their family

Everyone's circumstances are different

flumposie · 25/10/2020 09:36

I think you are being too cautious. I work in a place where social distancing can not happen and mix with hundreds of households a day. I'd be mortified if people avoided me for that.

Coldwinds · 25/10/2020 09:39

Well tbh I wouldn’t even have access to your grandparents. I’ve not been in my grandmothers home since it started, she is 88. I drop her shopping off at the door and speak to her down the path. I just wouldn’t risk my Dds bringing it home from school passing it in to me then me giving it my grandmother as it would probably kill her.

Regarding your partner - it depends on if you want to continue being in a relationship with him. This virus will probably be here till late spring if not in to the summer. Are you going to keep this up till then? He can’t not see his kids or have work men in fixing things. He still has a right to a social life.

I can imagine he is feeling really frustrated with the situation too and tbf I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with some one I wasn’t actually allowed to touch unless I isolated myself until they felt it was safe.

Whatyoucanandcantdo · 25/10/2020 09:42

This virus will probably be here till late spring if not in to the summer. Are you going to keep this up till then?

Where's it magically going after then?

Tiersforfears · 25/10/2020 09:42

YABU and massively OTT

CovidClara · 25/10/2020 09:43

Sounds like you are looking for an excuse to dump him
Fo most people covid is less than a mild cold.

GabriellaMontez · 25/10/2020 09:44

I totally understand your fear. It's one of mine too. We're all at risk of illness and disease, injury all the time. Imo your behaviour is out of proportion to the risk.

The risk remains very low. Unless you're much older than I imagine.

How long do you plan to live like this?

Fluffybutter · 25/10/2020 09:45

If neither of you are vulnerable then you are being a bit over the top.
You can’t really blame him for thinking about ending things if you won’t let him anywhere near you but at the same point ,if your anxiety about it all prevents this then you have to do what makes you comfortable

Hopoindown31 · 25/10/2020 09:47

As others have pointed out, it is perfectly possible to do all the things your partner is doing withing the rules in a tier 1 area.

It is also totally okay for you not to be comfortable with associating with other people, even of they are abiding by the rules. However, it is your personal choice to do this and as such, you need to accept the consequences. Your partner is not being unreasonable in saying that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who won't even touch him and who is not highly vulnerabke when he is following the rules.

Redwinestillfine · 25/10/2020 09:47

See I think the social distancing is a red herring. To be his attitude speaks volumes. Also his life sounds very complicated. You and your daughter would always come quite some way down his list of priorities.

PleasantVille · 25/10/2020 09:47

@flumposie

I think you are being too cautious. I work in a place where social distancing can not happen and mix with hundreds of households a day. I'd be mortified if people avoided me for that.
That's a really strange reaction, what would make you feel embarrassed about someone else's choice about who they mix with? I can't think of any reason for you to feel like that Confused
gamerchick · 25/10/2020 09:48

I wouldn't be happy with that. You have to do your own risk assessment though. It doesn't matter what any of us think.

The kids to different mother's would put me off him anyway even with no covid. To many families involved. Sod that.

lljkk · 25/10/2020 09:51

What would be acceptable to you, OP?
It sounds like no way do you want him to see his parents or children.

Much less go to gym or pub or let workman in.
I'm just wondering what you think is acceptable. Only you in his life?

Wildflower219 · 25/10/2020 09:52

I understand your predicament. People don't realise yes those who are vulnerable can end up seriously ill with covid but from speaking to friends in hospital so can those who aren't and have no underlying health conditions. I mean the official rules say that's way to much mixing. I would maybe cut back on the amount you see your partner and when you do see him then you can be non socially distanced but just means you don't see him as often that way your still protecting yourself a bit. He should understand your worried for you and your child's sake and should understand though and not threaten to end a relationship. That's wrong

Sirzy · 25/10/2020 09:55

I think if you wanted the relationship to work you would both work together to find a way to make it happen.

Expecting him to limit contact with his own children in anyway isn’t fair at all.

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