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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Covid dispute

59 replies

Jtbm · 25/10/2020 09:07

Hi 👋
I will make it as brief as I can -
My partner of 3 years has 2 teenage children from one marriage to stay every other weekend along with a 7 year old child from a second relationship. All at different schools with step sisters in their primary Carers homes, also living in different counties to one another.
He has currently got decorators in redecorating bedrooms and a plumber in working on a bathroom. His parents are both remarried and all visiting his house and he seems to fit in going to the gym and pub or mates houses for a beer....:
He is on the brink of ending our relationship because I will only agree to seeing him in a socially distanced fashion with zero intimate contact due to the volume of people and households he is mixing with on a daily and close basis, kissing and cuddling.
I live with my 10 year old daughter and we have only seen friends and family outside other than the school bubble this term. I have been working from home since March and not had anyone in our home....
I am worried I am going to loose my partner if I do not drop my defence but I am really worried that he is not behaving responsibly and I don’t want to be at such high risk? Am I being to careful or am I doing the right thing?
Any thoughts on what’s best to do?

OP posts:

Ugzbugz · 25/10/2020 09:56

Way over the top, everyone in your child's class could be mingling with loads of other people? My son does 3 different sports clubs alone not with his class or even his school. The children from school then walk back the same way from secondary school because what else can they do? I have to go to work, I have to rely on a relative for childcare at points, they also work, DC sees DF every other week, and I imagine many more in your DC class will have similar lives. This could be going on for years.

IloveJKRowling · 25/10/2020 09:58

Honestly it sounds like you'd be happier if you end the relationship. I completely understand where you're coming from as a single parent wanting to minimise the risk. I know several previously healthy people with no underlying conditions with long covid - it's not just about dying it's about coping.

You have to decide what's most important to you and what you can live with.

But it sounds like he's made it clear that a socially distanced relationship is not what he wants. So you have a choice.

It is unreasonable to expect him to change his life just to suit you. He obviously can't stop seeing and touching his own kids.

Why don't you have a break until spring, see how things are then? You might both move on but maybe not.

Livelovebehappy · 25/10/2020 09:59

You’ve both just got very different views on how to deal with Covid. His approach is relaxed to the point of breaking the rules, whereby you are adhering to th3 rules in place. I’m not sure you’re compatible when you are so far apart with how you approach these rules. You’re absolutely correct in what you’re doing, but I doubt he will come round to your way of thinking. You just have stick to what you feel comfortable with, and if he chooses to continue what he does, then clearly the relationship isn’t that important to him that he would compromise a bit.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 25/10/2020 09:59

YANBU OP.

Take care.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 25/10/2020 10:02

I think you are being a tad overcautious. I am assuming your child is in school and you are shopping in a supermarket as a bear minimum. So you are exposed anyway.

I know you are worrying about being too ill to look after your child but with all due respect she is 10, not 2. If you were bed bound she could very easily step up and fend for herself.

If you were to be hospitalised then obviously she would need to be looked after by someone else but as a single parent surely you have had that part figured out even before covid. I am a stand by for friends who may need me and I have done this when childcare has fallen through etc.

Chloemol · 25/10/2020 10:03

I understand your issue here, although he can see his kids anyway, certainly with his parents he should be SD even inside and it sounds like he isn’t

Personally I wouldn’t be having workmen in unless it’s urgent and to repair something, he doesn’t need to decorate bedrooms at the moment.

Gym is allowed, not sure re tier 3 and SD is likely to be enforced there. Mates houses allowed but again should be SD which it sounds like he won’t be

You have to do what you feel is right for you, and if he can’t understand that then maybe he is not the one for you

110APiccadilly · 25/10/2020 10:05

I'm not sure either of you are being unreasonable - it sounds like you're just incompatible with respect to your attitudes to risk. My personal attitude is more like your partner's, but you absolutely have the right to be more cautious if you want to be. But you don't have the right to make him be more cautious.

Florencex · 25/10/2020 10:06

He is seeing his family, having some work done on the house and meeting friends. These things are all allowed (subject to local restrictions). I am having somebody around to clean my sofas this week, they have told me that we must not be in the room at same time as the worker, the decorator and plumbers will be observing similar procedures.

You are over estimating the risks, they are very small and 99% of people have minor symptoms anyway. It is hardly surprising that he is considering ending the relationship if you won’t see him or want him to choose between you or his children.

Halliehallie9828 · 25/10/2020 10:08

YABU.

NailsNeedDoing · 25/10/2020 10:08

Whether you’re doing the right thing or being over the top careful isn’t something there’s a definitive right answer to.

You and your bf just have different, but equally valid ways of dealing with it. You have do do what you’re comfortable with without trying to tell him that he should be doing things your way. If your don’t like the way he’s doing things then it’s up to you to stay away from him or adapt, but don’t try to control or change him, it won’t work.

MuthaFunka61 · 25/10/2020 10:11

I'm similar to you OP in that I making my own decisions about what is safe or not based on my own risk assessment.

What stands out for me is the relationship dynamic which sounds like he's saying 'it's my way or the highway' if this is true then he sounds controlling and I think that it's his response which needs unpacking when you've made a decision about your boundaries.

ClaireP20 · 25/10/2020 10:19

I genuinely cannot understand how he could possibly make time for you, your daughter, his 3 children from different relationships, friends, work, gym. I sort of admire him for being so busy! But I definitely wouldnt date him..nothing to do with covid mind...

Sirzy · 25/10/2020 10:20

@MuthaFunka61

I'm similar to you OP in that I making my own decisions about what is safe or not based on my own risk assessment.

It sounds like both of them are saying “it’s my way or the highway” to be fair. Which suggests really neither party want to fight for the relationship

PatriciaPerch · 25/10/2020 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coldwinds · 25/10/2020 10:24

@Whatyoucanandcantdo

This virus will probably be here till late spring if not in to the summer. Are you going to keep this up till then?

Where's it magically going after then?

Hopefully they will have a vaccine.... it won’t be here forever y’know regardless what some people would like..

MrDarcysMa · 25/10/2020 10:24

None of you are being unreasonable, providing he's not in a high tier area. You're just approaching it differently which is fine.
It will affect your relationship though.

PatriciaPerch · 25/10/2020 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LG101 · 25/10/2020 10:29

I understand but I would look at a risk based approach. What are your chances of getting seriously ill if you caught Covid. If this is actually quite low then why put your life on hold?

If everyone is taking precautions and you minimise risks then I can’t see why you can’t meet up.

Could you ask to meet in the middle, check all the plumbers etc are at social distances and he’s cleaning before and after them for surfaces they have touched.

For the kids, just make sure they are following guidelines if there is cases in schools.

Maybe ask if you can see him and not socially distance once it’s been 7 days since he’s been to the pub and seen friends?

There has to be a bit of give and take here.

For the grandparents you wait 2 weeks since seeing him before you visit them. The you have the best of both worlds

wizzbangfizz · 25/10/2020 10:30

Live your life, the risk is minuscule.

OhTheRoses · 25/10/2020 10:33

Over cautious re Covid but from what you have written about the chaotic life if your partner, not over cautious in the slightest.

Your dd should be your priority but not in the way you seem to be focussing on.

Whatyoucanandcantdo · 25/10/2020 10:34

Hopefully they will have a vaccine.... it won’t be here forever y’know regardless what some people would like..

Hopefully, but in all seriousness how long do you think it will take to vaccinate 8 billion people? What about all the anti vaxers?

Only one disease has ever been completely eradicated and that was smallpox which took rather longer than 6 months.

I suspect it will be here forever just like colds, flu etc are but on a much more manageable level.

WhatamessIgotinto · 25/10/2020 10:40

@flumposie

I think you are being too cautious. I work in a place where social distancing can not happen and mix with hundreds of households a day. I'd be mortified if people avoided me for that.

You'd be mortified? Really? I work in a school so very similar but I totally understand why anyone would want to avoid getting too close to me. I certainly wouldn't be 'mortified'. At least have respect for how others feel about this shit situation we're in, even if you don't agree.

OP, I understand your caution, but the truth is that you have to decide whether you're willing to take your chances with Covid or willing to lose your relationship. Covid is usually fairly mild, though not for everyone clearly, so this is a difficult decision for you.

I know healthy people who have had it with barely any symptoms at all and, conversely, also know someone who has been very ill with it (mid 30's not overweight and no health conditions). I think you're in a very difficult position right now.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/10/2020 10:42

@CovidClara

Sounds like you are looking for an excuse to dump him Fo most people covid is less than a mild cold.

This isn’t the experience of the people I know who have had Covid. A fairly high percentage of them either had a lengthy and really unpleasant illness or have been left with permanent damage, eg heart or brain damage. And none of them elderly or unwell. Mostly fifty or under, slim and fit, one is 20.

confusedx3 · 25/10/2020 10:45

I get your anxiety, especially as you have been living cautiously for 7 months now - it's a long time. however, your daughter is at school? so, in the nicest way, you are already being exposed that way? I get this may be another reason why you dont want the extra exposure but realistically, you cant wrap yourself in bubble wrap forever. you clearly have very different views/risk versions on this. it wont work long term in this way

Yohoheaveho · 25/10/2020 10:48

I think that your different responses to the virus mean that you're incompatible
You are reserving all your intimacy for a small group of people, but he is happy to be intimate with a larger group
It's a bit like you wanting to be monogamous and him wanting to be promiscuous, it would be a deal breaker for me!

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