Started TTC last night....AIBU to feel weird?

[SweetShopSurprise]

No one ever really talks about the first time they TTC. It’s (IMO) a big thing but I’ve never really heard any women discuss it.

I feel really weird this morning. For reference, I’ve never been maternal, never wanted kids, always made that clear. However, over the years I’ve seen what an amazing father DH would be and how utterly wonderful he is with other people’s children. I didn’t feel like it was fair to stay in my marriage if I wasn’t prepared to give him 1 (and it would just be the 1 I know that already) child. Added to that, I have over the last year come round to the idea more. I enjoy other people’s children more now (though still wouldn’t say I look forward to spending time with other people’s) and I often think about how nice it would be to have our own little family unit, days out etc but I still wouldn’t say I was broody.

I said we could start trying by Christmas but have kept putting it off, in my head I had November as ‘the month’ that we start trying but last night I just thought feck it and so for the first time ever we had unprotected sex.

Now, don’t get me wrong I have absolutely no idea if it’s my ‘fertile’ time (I suppose I ought to start tracking that, but doing all of that and using those apps etc just seems so...eurgh, unromantic and perfunctory to me) or indeed if both of us are actually fertile at all full stop. I appreciate I’m highly unlikely to get pregnant due to last night but this morning I’m already thinking what if this is it?! What if my old life is officially gone? What if I can’t have drunken nights out now? (We’re still in Tier 1 here atm and who knows, we may stay in it so nights out over the next few months are possible) what if I have to give up my hobby? What if my friendships change as I can no longer go out boozing, what if I suffer with a really bad pregnancy or morning sickness?! And the thought of giving birth terrifies me!!

I guess I’m just feeling a bit .....sad? Like last night I knowingly ‘sleepwalked‘ into giving up my freedom? Did anyone else feel like this the first time they TTC? Knowingly making a decision to turn your life upside down? I just don’t know if I feel ready, but then I’m nearly 34 so if I’m not ready now then will I ever be? And due to my age, I haven’t got the luxury anymore of being able to delay it. I just keep thinking there’s still so much I haven’t done I’ve always wanted to go to Australia and travel around for a month, didn’t get to do it due to Covid and now I’m thinking, will I ever, or at least in the next 10 years?! Sorry, I’m just rambling now

AIBU?

I felt the same. And only had one because my husband would have been miserable without children.

Sort of luckily (although it was stressful), it took us 18 months to get successfully pregnant. By which time we'd had an amazing holiday in Australia and NZ and done all sorts of other fun things.

FWIW I had a second in the end because I loved the first so much. And it's been the making of me. I miss having my life to myself but then I realise my two girls make me happier than anything else. And I imagine missing out on that - how awful.

Other people's children are not the same at all - I still don't like other children! Your own children are the most amazing people in the world.

Btw don't worry about the birth. When you do get pregnant, do hypnobirthjng and read Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin - very positive approach that gave me a great experience.

I'm more concerned that you're having a baby to keep your husband happy rather than actually wanting a child yourself.

Feels a bit off if that's the reason to TTC.

I felt exactly the same as you OP. Never wanted children, was happy with my life then things gradually changed when I hit 35. I wouldn’t describe myself as broody at all but I was aware that time wasn’t on my side to keep delaying and I knew my husband would be a great Dad.

When we first started TTC I I was 36 and was so nervous when my period was due. When it came I felt a small bit of disappointment. And then when I did get a positive test I freaked out for 2 days wondering what I’d done, and you’re right, it isn’t something people talk about or admit to much. Anyway it took a couple of months and I now have a 10 month old baby boy and I really wish we’d started sooner!

I know it’s so hard to get to your mid thirties and wait for that broody feeling people talk about but it honestly never happened for me. And yet I’m so happy to be a mom and am so grateful that we didn’t leave it too late, I thank my lucky stars every single day.
Hope it works out for you too.

This happened to me. We tried and I panicked. We stopped trying and now I am happy that I never will get pregnant. So it might not be for you. would give it a break and see how you feel.

I’m not a massively broody type. Can take or leave babies generally. I always thought I’d probably have kids but I wasn’t desperate to start TTC and I have other things going on in my life that I enjoy.

But once we’d decided to start, I didn’t feel like this if I’m honest. I was nervous but also excited. I’m not sure you’re doing this for the right reasons. Maybe have a think about it again.

It does feel weird the first time! You spend so many years trying not to. I was deliberating whether to wait or not but sometimes it takes a while to conceive. What really helped me is someone saying 'If you found out you were pregnant right now, how would you feel?' - Happy and excited? (some nervousness normal!). 'What if you found out you weren't pregnant this cycle?' - disappointed, or relieved?

I haven't rtft but I don't think it's always as easy as 'if you don't want a child you shouldn't have one'.

Obviously it's true but I don't think your worries and anxieties necessarily mean you don't want a child. I think a lot of people who do want a baby will still be worried and nervous about this stuff when the time actually comes. It's normal imo.

I suppose I ought to start tracking that, but doing all of that and using those apps etc just seems so...eurgh, unromantic and perfunctory to me

Also, just don't. Just have sex throughout the month. I really wouldn't bother tracking anything until you were a good while into TTC and nothing had happened.

I completely get how you feel. It sounds quite similar to me. I was never broody and I was always undecided/didn't think I would want them. If I was doing to them kids, I wanted it to be a very clear choice because it needs 100% commitment. Eventually I decided that, on balance, I'd rather have a family than not. My husband felt the same and we went for it. We had our first DC a few months ago and I had doubts throughout my pregnancy and even after they were born, but while also being very happy about it. Now I love my DC more than anything and I don't regret our decision for one second, but I also feel that had we never had kids we still would have had a good life, just a very different one. My day to day life has changed so much, both for the better and for the worse, but overall it is such a great experience. I enjoy my DC and I love seeing by DH with them, and it has brought us closer. It is a big risk to take because you know what you will give up, but you don't know for sure what you will get in return. What helped me was to think more long term: it wasn't about having a baby, but it was about building a family. In short, I don't think YABU at all. I know others who felt the same as me, and I also know people who were very broody and always wanted kids, but did not enjoy the reality of it at all. I just don't think you can ever really know in advance.

Thanks for all the replies.

I don’t really know how to articulate it other than to say that if I waited until I felt 100% ‘ready’ and where there was nothing I wanted more in the world....well, that day would never come. I think my OP was probably unduly negative, there IS some excitement there, it’s definitely not all sadness and anxiety but it’s MORE sadness and anxiety than excitement. I think that’s because, as another poster stated far more eloquently than I ever could, if you’re more of the ‘well I’m not overly broody but we’ll just go with anyway’ variety then you don’t have that broodiness to see you through the initial WTF are we doing moments. People that have that primal yearning for a child and feel nothing but excitement will struggle to really comprehend how it feels to TTC without that. Without the broodiness overriding all other emotions.

It just felt weird too as other posters have stated to suddenly, in one night disregard any form of contraception and actively TRY to get pregnant when I’ve spent my whole adult life on various types of contraception in order to avoid exactly that. Very surreal.

It is surreal but the whole try to conceive thing is. It used to be that you had unprotected sex and let nature take its course. There was no trying involved until a way down the line if nothing happened. My advice is don’t try, just have unprotected sex. And bear in mind that even the broodiest of people have wtf moments when first faced with a positive pregnancy test.

I feel exactly the same as you. I'm also about your age too although we haven't started trying yet due to Covid wedding cancellation.

For what it's worth a friend of mine admitted to crying hysterically after the first time they had unprotected trying for a baby sex because she didn't feel ready. A year later she's the best mum but would admit if they'd waited until they were ready they'd never have started trying.

It felt like a really big step because it was. Someone was willing to give me the thing I always wanted and nothing could have felt as intimate or surreal. Physically the sex was such a turn on and the feeling of being 'filled up', so very strange. I questioned him for about a month if he really meant it? Or just got carried away. We are happily still TTC and family know. Baby gifts already made 🤪. Feel alot of pressure now and don't believe it will happen for me. But I will cry with so much joy if I'm blessed 💐

@EmbarrassedUser

Cheers for letting us all know you got laid last night

😂🤣😂 Woohoo! Fuck it more people should talk about the good times 😜

Hi OP

I felt the same as you. I think it's because you have literally spent half your life trying not to get pregnant it just feels second nature, and then having sex without contraception, with conceiving in mind, feels almost unnatural!

I got pregnant immediately though, to be honest it freaked me out so much that I almost had an abortion. I called my husband, after going out on a massive work related bender and the hangover not going, in floods of tears that I'd ruined our lives.

I actually coped better with a baby than him because I think I had no romantic views of what it would be like, I was under no illusion our freedom would be curtailed, we would have shit holidays, shit social life etc so it didn't actually come as a big shock.

@Funkypolar

I was super excited about TTC and so happy to be pregnant.

Maybe you aren’t ready OP?

So happy for all the future mummy's! 💐 Send me some of your luck.

I'm 34 too but have to say I've lived everyday to the fullest. So many adventures, so many regrets 😂 but I just 'know' this is right for me. Been broody since birth and finally have a good man and happy, healthy, environment.

You might not be 'ready' op but keep in mind time is not your friend right now. It may take longer than you think. But be glad your not the broody type TTC is so much harder if you are.