Started TTC last night....AIBU to feel weird?

[SweetShopSurprise]

No one ever really talks about the first time they TTC. It’s (IMO) a big thing but I’ve never really heard any women discuss it.

I feel really weird this morning. For reference, I’ve never been maternal, never wanted kids, always made that clear. However, over the years I’ve seen what an amazing father DH would be and how utterly wonderful he is with other people’s children. I didn’t feel like it was fair to stay in my marriage if I wasn’t prepared to give him 1 (and it would just be the 1 I know that already) child. Added to that, I have over the last year come round to the idea more. I enjoy other people’s children more now (though still wouldn’t say I look forward to spending time with other people’s) and I often think about how nice it would be to have our own little family unit, days out etc but I still wouldn’t say I was broody.

I said we could start trying by Christmas but have kept putting it off, in my head I had November as ‘the month’ that we start trying but last night I just thought feck it and so for the first time ever we had unprotected sex.

Now, don’t get me wrong I have absolutely no idea if it’s my ‘fertile’ time (I suppose I ought to start tracking that, but doing all of that and using those apps etc just seems so...eurgh, unromantic and perfunctory to me) or indeed if both of us are actually fertile at all full stop. I appreciate I’m highly unlikely to get pregnant due to last night but this morning I’m already thinking what if this is it?! What if my old life is officially gone? What if I can’t have drunken nights out now? (We’re still in Tier 1 here atm and who knows, we may stay in it so nights out over the next few months are possible) what if I have to give up my hobby? What if my friendships change as I can no longer go out boozing, what if I suffer with a really bad pregnancy or morning sickness?! And the thought of giving birth terrifies me!!

I guess I’m just feeling a bit .....sad? Like last night I knowingly ‘sleepwalked‘ into giving up my freedom? Did anyone else feel like this the first time they TTC? Knowingly making a decision to turn your life upside down? I just don’t know if I feel ready, but then I’m nearly 34 so if I’m not ready now then will I ever be? And due to my age, I haven’t got the luxury anymore of being able to delay it. I just keep thinking there’s still so much I haven’t done I’ve always wanted to go to Australia and travel around for a month, didn’t get to do it due to Covid and now I’m thinking, will I ever, or at least in the next 10 years?! Sorry, I’m just rambling now

AIBU?

You never know this could be it! Statistically unlikely but you never know

I remember the first time we TTC, and feeling as if I had stepped onto a rollercoaster with no way of getting off. I was one of the lucky ones, I became pregnant within 12 weeks, but I recall looking at the positive test and thinking 'OMG, What have we done?'

I have never regretted having children, but I do remember the terror of wondering if I was doing the right thing. A friend had the cutest baby boy and I remember looking at him and wondering if my baby would be as cute, and if not, would I still love him. Of course, my baby boy (and the rest of my children) were - and are - the most beautiful human beings on the planet, no-one else compares.

You’ve taken the decision to conceive in a very clear headed way, not sent half mad with a rush of broody hormones. That’s great. And not especially uncommon I think. The time feels right and you are as ready as you’ll ever be.

I had a friend very much like you. She ended up absolutely loving family life and after two difficult deliveries still considered a third.

Good luck! (BTW it’s not obsessive to have some idea of your cycle, some people conceived before Apps ever existed )

Childfree by choice here.

Have you talked it through with your DH about how it's going to work? Inevitably it's the female that takes on the majority of the work (bf etc) but on the longer term, who will go part time at work?(If that's an option) will he pull his weight?

Maybe it's that kind of stuff you need to focus on?

Your first post does come across very differently to your recent update- much more negative in the op. You need to be sure this is what you want.

I didn’t TTC, we didn’t in those days - just stopped using contraception and waited to see what happened. I got pregnant very quickly and I always remember the GP who confirmed the pregnancy saying it was like watching your mil drive your new car over a cliff. In other words, it’s entirely normal to have mixed feelings.

@HelpMeh

If you don't actually want a child I really don't think you should be TTC.

This.

Having a child will change your life forever.

I don't think I over thought the first time we had sex that much tbh. Guess it would have been the day after we got married but tbh I'm not great with contraception and if we'd got pregnant before the wedding it would have been fine, so i think it's different if you've been hard core making sure something doesn't happen to then actively trying .

Bit I don't think your concerns are unique or a sign you don't really want a baby. I think they're realistic.

Re timing your cycle etc, give it 6 months of regular sex and then reassess. Don't get caught up with all that unless there's a need to. So Easter time.

But agree with pp. The baby isn't the reason you haven't toured Oz or had sex under Niagara Falls or ridden a camel in the desert. You've been an adult for 15 years. And you can do those things with a baby.

I think you really need to interrogate this feeling and understand if it's coming from a place of doing something against your will.

TTC is a really big decision, and it is common to feel different to the way you expected when you start trying.

We started TTC in April and I'm now 6 weeks pregnant. I was emphatic that I wanted a baby, but I still remember how monumental that first month felt. By the time I'd ovulated that first month, I started having a total wobble on whether it really was the right decision.

A close friend of mine was just like you throughout her pregnancy.
She loved her first baby so much and all the negative thoughts (you and her were having) evaporated away.
She told me shed been thinking of all the negatives, all the things she couldn't do but hadn't thought of the positives and the immense joy.
She now has 4 kids and is one of the best mums I've ever seen. Also they go on holiday 3 times a year, inc Australia.

I often think about how nice it would be to have our own little family unit, days out etc
OP in the kindest way, please don't think that this happy-happy fantasy is the full reality of parenting. Prepare yourself for a lot of potential unpleasantness as well. It's often not a fantasy of happy times, fun-filled days out, happy smiling child etc. Having a child changes everything. Please read some threads on here about the relentlessness of it, and impacts on relationships. Some children may be super easy to raise - but what if yours is of the more 'high spirited' nature? Consider also the existential worry that can come with having a child. There's just so much to parenting that I wish I had known about. Please don't go into this with rose-tinted glasses, or half-heartedly, or unduly optimistically - or mainly for your partner.

Some of the responses on here are weird and discouraging (nothing unusual there ). You sound a bit like me - I had DS at 32 after 10 years of marriage, didn't want children but I knew DH did, so I always kept a small corner of my mind open to it (that won't make sense to some people, I know). When I was ready, I knew it, and DH never put any pressure on me, not even for a second. He would have accepted not having children if I didn't want them, which is a huge sacrifice and I'm glad I didn't ask him to make it.

Yes, of course it totally changes your life, but you are still the same person (a friend once said to us "You know, you can hold your baby in one arm and still drink a beer and listen to rock music"). I loved it all much more than I thought I would, especially the baby stage. DS (now 12) is amazing and I've never regretted anything. I too thought about how I'd feel if it turned out I couldn't have a baby and I knew I'd be gutted - that tells you what you need to know, I think. Good luck

There are two issues here. One is your question, is it normal to have doubts, and the answer is yes.

However the other is that you seem to already be complaining that society has tricked you in to having kids, you never wanted them, they've ruined your life, you'd rather be travelling, you missed out on x.... And you aren't actually pregnant. If you've worked out that it's so horrible and you're being tricked by society, don't do it!

I’m about your age and had a lot of the same feelings when we started trying about this time last year. The first time I got my period after trying it felt like a relief and made me realise I wasn’t quite ready yet. I asked my husband if we could wait a few more months and start trying again in the New Year and that’s what we did. I had just come back from an amazing solo trip and the thought of giving up the freedom to do that freaked me out I think. A few months later and a few more nights out out of my system and I felt ready. Getting my period felt disappointing rather than a relief. I’m now 6 months pregnant and really happy and excited about it. I know you might not feel time is on your side in your 30s and many people will say you never truly feel ready but if you need a little more time to get your head around the idea, you need to speak up. It’s a big decision for you both. Good luck!

I think you need to be completely honest with yourself, read your original post and see if it sounds like it was written by someone who actually wants to have a child.
Having one because you think your husband would be an amazing dad is not the way to go imo.

As sad as this sounds, only go into trying for a baby if you're happy to potentially be a single mother. So many women go into this expecting their partners or husbands to be fully supportive, be a good dad and be there all the time. What if he isn't? What if he realises he doesn't actually like changing nappies and finds some younger woman to waste time with until the fun parts of parenthood come along? This happens a lot, just go and read some threads on here.

You say he's good with other kids, it's dead easy to be good with other kids for a couple of hours. He isn't cleaning up their sick, wiping their bums, dealing with their temper tantrums. Maybe he'll find all that shit and bugger off.

Maybe he'll be great, he'll stick around and you'll all have a fantastic life. But as you're already not keen on the idea of your whole life changing, not getting to do things you love etc, just have a think on how pissed off you'd be being stuck at home alone with a child while your husband is off with another woman living the high life. Could you cope with that? It's sad to think about it in that way, but you have no idea what the future holds. Nor did the women who had it happen to them. It sucks to see women struggling while their ex does fuck all, and they mostly wanted the kids. You don't.

Think about it for a long time. You can't go back on it once you've got one.

I remember feeling really weird the next day after our first time TTC, mostly because I'd spent my twenties trying not to get pregnant and I still had that mindset! I also felt trepidation because it would mean a huge change to our lifestyle, which involved a lot of going out. But, ultimately, I really wanted a baby and we conceived first time of trying so I didn't have time to overthink it!

It does sound, to echo everyone else, that this is something you feel you should be doing though, for your DH, rather than actually want to do. All I'd say is that bringing a child into the world that you aren't 99.9% sure about (because there's always a smidgeon of doubt) is not fair on them or you. You sound about 60% sure.

Having a kid obliterated our old life. And it obliterated our relationship too. We are not the same people, and we don't have the same relationship either. No regrets though. Our child is four now. Sometimes I wonder how our marriage made it through. But now we know, we have a marriage that will make it through. Best & hardest thing we ever did.

I totally get you @SweetShopSurprise. I was in the same boat. I didn’t want to not have a child, but I didn’t really want one, you know? Anyway, I also had the ‘fuck it’ vibe and lo and behold, I got pregnant. Biggest shock ever. Took me ages to get used to the idea but then I really got into it and now my baby is here, life is better than ever. It would have been good without him, I certainly didn’t feel incomplete, but I love that he's here.

I didn’t have the rush of love or anything when he arrived, just each day I love him more.

I’m more relaxed than my other mum friends, I don’t know if that’s because the baby was a sort-of-but-not-quite-unexpected addition.

You’ll take a while to process it but it will become normal and it’ll be ok.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. If a baby is ready to come along and it's the right time, it will happen. Have more faith in your gut instincts - which were, to go for it!

You are ready, if this is how you felt and you acted upon it. Don't worry about not feeling like you're the maternal type either! I never put myself down as maternal and then my first son arrived. It does change your life having children, but you know that already. Don't doubt yourself - as a mum your strongest ally is your instinct. It will always lead you in the right direction; it's there for a reason - listen to it!

I dont think the ambivalent feelings are unusual. When we stopped using contraception it suddenly felt out of control. It was easy enough to 'not' have a baby. Actually wanting to have a baby meant there were a lot of things out of our control.

I think what @CakeRequired said was bang on the money!

Is your husband very keen to have children? And look after them? You say ‘he’s great with other people’s kids’ and not ‘he’s desperate to be a dad, it’s a deal breaker for him’. What do you want, really, in your heart? And how do each of you imagine life with kids? For example would it be less scary for you if you were both clear that you’d share the parental leave or that you’d each get time to go out alone weekly and a monthly date night? Please don’t go into this without discussing as a couple, you don’t need to do what everyone else is doing - just what work for you and your husband.

I've always been quite maternal and the same feeling you described once I started TTC with my first. Yes, it is a life changing decision, yes some of the things you did pre-pregnancy/motherhood will change - but it is likely you could find enjoyment from doing things as a family that you didn't think you'd enjoy. The precious moments ahead of you are joyous but obviously as someone who hasn't been maternal as such, you are probably looking at life through a lens of the things you consider fun /freedom etc.

Take each day as it comes. It is totally normal to feel nervous. Ride the rollercoaster and be honest and open with your OH.

Good luck xx

You see, I think you have your head screwed on. You HAVE thought this through totally and suprisingly things do "kick in". I was selfish career driven and got pregnant with DC1 -it wasn't a decision I made to "get pregnant" but I was in a very long term relationship and marriage was on the cards -I was close to your age but not maternal.
It didn't work out -and ended up a single mum -but I've loved every single minute.

It does annoy me when people say you can still go out, go on holidays etc after you have children. Yes you can but it's absolutely not the same. You're always responsible for the child(ren) first and foremost. If you have an easy going child that sleeps anywhere and will just slot in, it might not be too stressful to do all those things with a child in tow. But if you have a child with a disability, health condition, even something relatively minor like food allergies and/or reflux, or just a bad sleeper or generally needy or hard work, life gets a lot more difficult and you have to lower your expectations.

I had some great holidays, did a big trip that I'd wanted to do for years, did lots of socialising and generally enjoyed life before TTC, as I knew life would be different afterwards, and it has been. With young kids we socialise less and go on child-friendly holidays (which are not hugely relaxing but hey, a change is as good as a rest ). As the kids get older and less dependent we enjoy the gradual increases in freedom that we get.