Started TTC last night....AIBU to feel weird?

[SweetShopSurprise]

No one ever really talks about the first time they TTC. It’s (IMO) a big thing but I’ve never really heard any women discuss it.

I feel really weird this morning. For reference, I’ve never been maternal, never wanted kids, always made that clear. However, over the years I’ve seen what an amazing father DH would be and how utterly wonderful he is with other people’s children. I didn’t feel like it was fair to stay in my marriage if I wasn’t prepared to give him 1 (and it would just be the 1 I know that already) child. Added to that, I have over the last year come round to the idea more. I enjoy other people’s children more now (though still wouldn’t say I look forward to spending time with other people’s) and I often think about how nice it would be to have our own little family unit, days out etc but I still wouldn’t say I was broody.

I said we could start trying by Christmas but have kept putting it off, in my head I had November as ‘the month’ that we start trying but last night I just thought feck it and so for the first time ever we had unprotected sex.

Now, don’t get me wrong I have absolutely no idea if it’s my ‘fertile’ time (I suppose I ought to start tracking that, but doing all of that and using those apps etc just seems so...eurgh, unromantic and perfunctory to me) or indeed if both of us are actually fertile at all full stop. I appreciate I’m highly unlikely to get pregnant due to last night but this morning I’m already thinking what if this is it?! What if my old life is officially gone? What if I can’t have drunken nights out now? (We’re still in Tier 1 here atm and who knows, we may stay in it so nights out over the next few months are possible) what if I have to give up my hobby? What if my friendships change as I can no longer go out boozing, what if I suffer with a really bad pregnancy or morning sickness?! And the thought of giving birth terrifies me!!

I guess I’m just feeling a bit .....sad? Like last night I knowingly ‘sleepwalked‘ into giving up my freedom? Did anyone else feel like this the first time they TTC? Knowingly making a decision to turn your life upside down? I just don’t know if I feel ready, but then I’m nearly 34 so if I’m not ready now then will I ever be? And due to my age, I haven’t got the luxury anymore of being able to delay it. I just keep thinking there’s still so much I haven’t done I’ve always wanted to go to Australia and travel around for a month, didn’t get to do it due to Covid and now I’m thinking, will I ever, or at least in the next 10 years?! Sorry, I’m just rambling now

AIBU?

KarlKennedysDurianFruit - wow! I love this thread, apart from the childhood sweetheart bit I could have written that post! I agree, not being broody is no disadvantage, a head decision is just as good as a heart decision.

When I was pregnant with my first I did miss nights out and drinking. Then once she was born, I saw it with a new light. I now cringe at it and see it for what it really was.

I wouldn't delay TTC for some fairly mediocre nights out. But, it does sound like you just don't want kids. You need to figure it out and let your partner know so he can decide if the relationship with just you is enough for him. It wouldn't be fair to keep stringing him along with a never ending "next year".

YANBU but, honestly, being a parent is amazing.

I dont think you should have a child. Not the way you feel about it at the moment.

I had my first at 34, my friends and all started having kids by then so I didn't feel I was missing out. Your life will change anyway as your friends start to have families so kids or no kids there will be less social plans. Things don't stay the same for ever. I think it's normal to feel a bit weird about it but I reckon in six months you'll be on the conception board asking if you have pregnancy symptoms a week before your period's due 😬😬😉

I felt like this Op.
My DH really wanted kids, I didn't. But I thought I could come round to the idea and didn't want to lose him.
I got pregnant straight away but then had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I was devastated and it taught me I did actually really want children.
I now have 2 and am very happy, I can't believe I was going to miss out on being a Mum and I would have, had I not met DH.
It's HUGE and even if you really want them I think you have moments of panic.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant, my son is 7 years old and I have some independence back, I have mixed feelings about becoming a mum to a baby again as all my independence will be gone again my lovely routine and relationahip wih my son will be different, I've very much looking forward to having my baby and all of it but also grieving for what I have now

I wasn't broody at all when we started to try but at the same time I knew I wanted to have a family. I fell pregnant at the first try and was absolutely terrified! I don't think feelings of trepidation necessarily mean you are not ready, you are only human. And a baby means massive upheaval to your life and (usually) disproportionately affects you over your DH - it's a lot to come to terms with.

It does sound a bit like your doing it for your DH.

Anyways it will all feel strange! Trust me the whole thing feels strange!
Don't assume you'll definitely only have one either....
once you have your child nothing compares.
DH had an amazing night life before kids.
It picked up again when we got babysitters
Now we've just had another baby so it's non existent.... even though it would be right now anyway.
Your priorities change when you have your baby.

I can relate OP. Never been broody or loved babies, but we decided we wanted a family. The first time we had unprotected sex felt so strange – I’d spent years trying to avoid it! I fell pg quite quickly, but the couple of months when my period came confirmed it for me; I felt disappointed. I think it’s an adjustment of thinking. I don’t agree that you’re not ready, coming round to the idea can be a process that only becomes real when you start it, and it’s normal to feel apprehensive. I think that’s why pregnancy lasts so long – time to get used to the idea!

It really doesn't sound like you want a child op.

Why would you have to give up your hobby or drinking?

Well maybe if you're bfeeding /doing all night feeds the drinking would have to go for a while, but babies/children & a life is still possible!

Even travelling for a month alone is possible!

As for pregnancy/birth, well always an unknown until it happens.

I had two easy pregnancies & births-it can happen!

Yes does sound like you need a bit more time to be sure that you want this. But for what it’s worth, I was super broody, keen to have kids, thought I knew what I was doing and it would be amazing...ha! Anecdotally, all the people I know who realised that it would be a bit shite at times and mean a lot of sacrifice, had a much better/easier time than me, as the real experience was such a let down compared to my ideals. I adore my children and don’t regret but yes it means giving up a lot of your own wishes, it sounds like you are thinking that through and if you go ahead you’ll perhaps be more surprised by the amazing things about it.

Hey OP I was alot like you, however once we decided we were going to try I gave myself a 2 year head start to tick all my last bits off my freedom bucket list (also quit smoking) and didn't start trying till I was 36, once we started TTC it only took 4months and I ended up conceiving whilst abroad (a last minute holiday i booked to console myself because of a chemical pregnancy the month before)

I am now 38 and a happy Mum to a 5 month old, lockdown maybe helps with the FOMO but tbf I was starting to wind down the boozy going out chapter of my life anyway and this new chapter is so great.

Good luck OP but seriously if you're not 100% ready 34 isn't too old if you want to hang on a little bit I didn't start till I was completely comfortable and ready for the lifestyle change.

I wasn’t broody. Having a baby scared me for lots of reasons. All I knew was I Didn’t want to grow old without having a child. When I didn’t get pregnant for about 3 years, I realised just how much I wanted children and went for ivf.

If you don't want to be a mum, please don't be a mum.

I don't think it is fair to you or the child to try to conceive a child you do not really want. Whilst they are wonderful, children are very very hard work and your life will undoubtedly change forever. This would be so much harder to cope with if you resented the child or your husband for putting you in the situation. If you don't really want a child, don't conceive one to make your DH happy.
And, although statistically unlikely, conceiving on your first attempt is possible- it happened to me. So don't take any more risks until you decide what you really want to do.

I have two friends that I know weren't particularly broody, they got to their late thirties and each now have two children, who they adore.

I think it’s fine to feel weird. One thing people
never seem to consider though is that yea you’re having a baby (if you get pregnant) bit they baby is also having you and your husband. As parents, the biggest initial influence on their life.

It’s hard to predict what sort of parent we’ll be before we have kids, but I feel like too many people consider the impact a baby will have on their life and never stop to think about the impact THEY will have on their child’s life.

If deep down you are mostly doing this for your husband then potentially that’s the parents you’re going to give your baby. One who wanted them, another who wasn’t really keen.

So my advice is to think about what you want and what your husband wants but also consider things from the child’s perspective.

It doesn’t sound like you’re quite ready, OP.

Having DC is a HUGE upheaval! Personally, I love it and wouldn’t change it for the world right now. But if you want to spend a month in Australia first, then why not wait a year? Your fertility is not likely to go off a cliff in that time, and if you want you can use it to get more familiar with your cycles etc. Yes, there are ways that you can still have a social life after you have kids, and yes of course you can have a baby sitter/childcare. But it does change your day to day life enormously and big holidays are likely to be put on hold for really quite a while.

If you’re not ready, be honest with your partner. Have you also had all the conversations you should who’ve before ttc? A lot of women don’t actually seem to discuss child rearing/division of labour before they conceive, and then get a nasty shock that somewhere along the line they have become the default parent/homemaker - the amount of stuff that needs doing around the house increases, you have extra demands on your time and a lot of DH don’t seem to expect their lifestyle to change.

DH and I had to wait until 5 years after we got married to start TTC as I have quite severe depression and I kept having relapses. We ended up needing fertility treatment to conceive DS. I was so sure I was ready to have children until I got pregnant with him, and then I would periodically freak out and think that I wasn't ready.

We lost DS when I was 18 weeks pregnant, it was very sudden when it happened (I had about 15 minutes of contractions and delivered him 2 minutes after arriving at the emergency department, then had to go to theatre for a retained placenta). It was then that I realised that I was definitely ready and always had been.

My obstetrician diagnosed me with cervical incompetence, and when I got pregnant with DD I had a cervical stitch. She arrived 6 weeks early by EMCS. Though at times it's overwhelming when she's upset and we can't settle her or when I'm totally sleep deprived and think I can't do it, I wonder what it would be like to have our old life back - but then she coos and smiles at me and I realise that I have been ready all along.

OP I would say be sure you want to start this journey, because you never know where it will take you and you don't want to wind up resenting the child that you have.

PS. DD 3 months is doing really well :D

OP, if only everyone put this much thought into becoming parents!

My DD was a very much wanted and planned for baby but I wouldn't have said i was desperately broody when ttc and its definitely a bit weird when you start. Like throwing a cup of dice and not knowing how long they'll be rolling for or which way up they'll land.

DD is 16 now and absolutely the best decision I ever made. I have had some wonderful experiences with her and since leaving my XH 4 years ago we've had some brilliant adventures together...travelling, road trips and hopefully will squeeze a few more in post-Covid before shes too engrossed with a career and then family of her own.

Your life won't stop, it'll just be different.

Incidentally my mum had a pretty good career for a woman in the 70s and was pretty ambivalent about having kids...I was basically my dad's idea. My mum and I have our ups and downs as we're very different characters but I've always known that she loves me is there for me no matter what, and I feel the same way. You really don't have to be desperate with broodiness to become a good parent.

I feel pretty much exactly the same as you, never been broody and dont actually like babies (althougg some kids are fine and seem to like me a lot!). My partner has always been clear he wants kids, but was equally clear that i wasnt sure and that i may decide against it and he was ok with that risk.

Im also 33 and after years of waiting for that lightbulb moment to tell me i wanted to do it i realised i was never going to get that definitive answer and id have to just make a decision, albeit one that couldnt have absolute certainty i was making the right choice. Once id realised that, it was still really really hard to bring myself to say 'ok lets start' as i just didnt have that certainty and that was really hard for me as a self confessed control freak.

Ive always been very clear eyed about how hard it was going to be, and honestly i think without having the broodiness I only had the 'sensible' feelings toward it which were mostly negative around how hard it would be. I think without yhe broodiness its so much harder to feel positively about it as its such a huge thing and is difficult and life changing.

That said, i just took the leap one day similarly to you, and was pregnant in the first month. I cant lie, im still terrified (and terrified im making the wrong choice), but think im slowly coming to terms with it. I also think that jist because some people dont get the broodiness and are much more clear eyed about it doesnt at all mean theyll be bad parents - its a good thing to be aware of just how big a step this is!

Australia is one of those places that you could totally do with a baby/child so i wouldnt worry about that, and i wouldnt feel bad about feelong weird - it'd be weirder if after strugglinf with such a hard decision you were like 'this is no big deal!'.

Good luck!!!

OP the fact you’re “worried” about how your life will change when you have a child I don’t see as a bad thing. It means you’ve given real thought to the realities which often people don’t.

34 doesn’t put any limit on you, yes it may take longer the older you get but plenty of couples have children in their late 30s and older.

Why not hold off to post-covid and do the travel you want to do? Or plan travelling with your child just before they start school? Life changes but is isn’t over!