Started TTC last night....AIBU to feel weird?

[SweetShopSurprise]

No one ever really talks about the first time they TTC. It’s (IMO) a big thing but I’ve never really heard any women discuss it.

I feel really weird this morning. For reference, I’ve never been maternal, never wanted kids, always made that clear. However, over the years I’ve seen what an amazing father DH would be and how utterly wonderful he is with other people’s children. I didn’t feel like it was fair to stay in my marriage if I wasn’t prepared to give him 1 (and it would just be the 1 I know that already) child. Added to that, I have over the last year come round to the idea more. I enjoy other people’s children more now (though still wouldn’t say I look forward to spending time with other people’s) and I often think about how nice it would be to have our own little family unit, days out etc but I still wouldn’t say I was broody.

I said we could start trying by Christmas but have kept putting it off, in my head I had November as ‘the month’ that we start trying but last night I just thought feck it and so for the first time ever we had unprotected sex.

Now, don’t get me wrong I have absolutely no idea if it’s my ‘fertile’ time (I suppose I ought to start tracking that, but doing all of that and using those apps etc just seems so...eurgh, unromantic and perfunctory to me) or indeed if both of us are actually fertile at all full stop. I appreciate I’m highly unlikely to get pregnant due to last night but this morning I’m already thinking what if this is it?! What if my old life is officially gone? What if I can’t have drunken nights out now? (We’re still in Tier 1 here atm and who knows, we may stay in it so nights out over the next few months are possible) what if I have to give up my hobby? What if my friendships change as I can no longer go out boozing, what if I suffer with a really bad pregnancy or morning sickness?! And the thought of giving birth terrifies me!!

I guess I’m just feeling a bit .....sad? Like last night I knowingly ‘sleepwalked‘ into giving up my freedom? Did anyone else feel like this the first time they TTC? Knowingly making a decision to turn your life upside down? I just don’t know if I feel ready, but then I’m nearly 34 so if I’m not ready now then will I ever be? And due to my age, I haven’t got the luxury anymore of being able to delay it. I just keep thinking there’s still so much I haven’t done I’ve always wanted to go to Australia and travel around for a month, didn’t get to do it due to Covid and now I’m thinking, will I ever, or at least in the next 10 years?! Sorry, I’m just rambling now

AIBU?

You know if you don’t want to have a baby... you don’t have to! It’s totally valid. And just cause you have a child doesn’t mean you have to give up the old you if you have a supportive partner.

Totally get this. I got pregnant more because I thought I'd regret it if I didn't as opposed to a burning desire for a child.

Conceived at the first attempt, so have never had the broody feeling. Have no desire for a second child and therefore have never ever felt broody.

That said Dd is 12 and amazing and I love being a mum.

I think people have been harsh replying to you op. It would be weirder if you didn't have some moments of uncertainty and sadness during a major life change.

I always wanted children ' in the future' but when it came to the time we were ready to have them it was more a feeling of ' I think we could handle this' and finding babies and pregancy more Interesting rather than a desparate need for a baby. In fact I was shaking when I found out I was pregnant I was so shocked! I'm still not sure I'm ready to be a mother 5 years later and 2 kids in! I'm now done and when I hear of a friend being pregnant my first thought insnt 'aww lovely' it's ' thank God that's not me!' Just like it was pre children 😁

You are going into this with a realistic attitude which is good. My friends who were desperately broody found adjusting to motherhood harder I felt as they had this blissfull view if what it would be like and the reality did not match up.

If covid restrictions have lifted, you could travel round Australia with your baby whilst on maternity leave.
They're much more transportable than toddlers because you know they'll still be where you left them.

I was driving along earlier on in the week and thought about how I’d feel if someone told me I couldn’t have children- pretty devastated and I’m actually now a bit fearful of that happening.

I then thought about how I’d feel if it got to next summer and we still hadn’t conceived, again, pretty upset. So I DO think I want a child, I’m just very apprehensive about the changes to my life and to myself that having a child will bring. I’ve been around A LOT of babies and young children, I know how gruelling, tiresome and dull it can be. Whereas at the moment I can quite happily say that my life is rarely tiresome, dull or gruelling so obviously I’m going to be a bit apprehensive about willingly making it so at times. I have no doubt there will be amazing/ lovely moments but I’m not rose tinted or naive enough to think it will all be one happy, smiley bed of roses. I’m not naive enough to think there won’t be (probably plenty) of days where I feel resentful and miss my old life. Perhaps this is because I’ve never been maternal or yearned for children. Maybe I see it with more of a level head.

My friend actually said to me last week ‘I think you’d probably cope with motherhood better than most as you are already well aware of all of the pitfalls and fully expect it to be awful so if it’s better than awful you’ll be pleasantly surprised.’

I hope she’s right. I would like a child, I’m just not broody or unhappy with my current life. I get the impression a lot of women have a child to fill a void in their life. A woman I used to work with pretty much did. She’s a lovely lady, but by her own admission didn’t have any hobbies or interests, very few friends, really didn’t do a lot at all. I think she got to 30 and thought right, I need something to fill my life. I don’t feel like I have a void in my life. I have a perfectly happy, fulfilling life already. I would hope a child would add to that fulfilment but that doesn’t mean I’m not apprehensive.

I appreciate all the responses on this thread but some do highlight the problem (IMO) with society. We expect women to all be broody, baby/ child obsessed beings. If they’re not 100% broody and wetting themselves with excitement at the thought of having a child then they don’t really want children and shouldn’t have one. It makes women like me feel ‘broken’ and afraid to speak up. Like we’re somehow ‘non-women’ I just refuse to believe that there aren’t women who are a bit daunted the first time they have sex to have a baby rather than just for pleasure. It’s the biggest thing you’ll ever do, your life in that instance could change immeasurably forever. Your body is about to go through it’s biggest change and if you have a good social life, let’s face it, it’s probably about to dwindle. You could be on your way to never ending ‘morning’ sickness, pelvic and back problems, vaginal tears...do I need go on? I just don’t believe that SOME women don’t feel the way I do. It surely can’t be that uncommon?

YABVVVU to TTC when you are clearly ambivalent about the whole thing and only really doing it reluctantly to "give" your husband a child. Your attempts to explain how you went from not wanting a child to actively TTC are not at all convincing. I think deep down you know you haven't really changed your mind.

Every child deserves to be wanted by both parents and especially by its primary carer, which is usually the mother but could be the father. Have you and your husband discussed maternity and parental leave? If he wants this more than you will he be taking the bulk of parental leave? What about returning to work, will he be a SAHD or go back part time? Or will you be taking that on?

I was absolutely sure that I wanted children and even then I found pregnancy, childbirth and the baby stage very difficult indeed. I've had moments of regret and I do miss my old life. It's ok because I definitely wanted children but if I'd been on the fence I think I would have bitterly regretted having them, especially if it was only for my husband!

I felt abit like this when TTC but I knew deep down that I wanted a baby and I had done a lot of what I already wanted to do (travelling etc). I do sometimes think I should have waited abit more and travelled some more but it’s only because I know I can’t now. However I am excited to travel with my daughter and have new opportunities. You are right to be scared, your life literally and completely fucking changes. No one talks about that really. Your freedom and independence pretty much vanishes and after that half of you wants to have other people look after your kid so you get a break and half of you is too scared to and will worry the whole time. Honestly, if you want to wait, truly, then wait. It’s better for everyone in the long run.

I was desperate for a baby. When I got my first positive pregnancy test I sobbed for a full hour. It's all very strange.

"I get the impression a lot of women have a child to fill a void in their life. A woman I used to work with pretty much did. She’s a lovely lady, but by her own admission didn’t have any hobbies or interests, very few friends, really didn’t do a lot at all. I think she got to 30 and thought right, I need something to fill my life. I don’t feel like I have a void in my life."

How did you conclude that "lots of women" do this just because you know one woman who did?! I think it's nonsense. It's quite disrespectful to mothers, actually, to assume that we only had children because our lives were empty and meaningless 🙄

I understand. We wanted kids but it was still an OMG moment. Also when you spend your entire adult life avoiding pregnancy it’s a bit of a head wreck to have unprotected sex! Don’t do anything you don’t want to do but I think nervousness is normal

I know lots of women who didn't like kids at all until they had their own.
Noone likes other people's children much.
Everyone, crazy exceptions aside, loves their own children. Its completely different.

Also your life won't stop!!
People go to Maldives with kids, Australia, get childcare and go out at night. You don't have to turn into some kind of martyr.

I don’t know, I know I’m a bit of a weird/ unusual case but surely not every single woman that has a child is desperately broody? Surely some women enter into pregnancy and motherhood with a bit of trepidation?!

Its totally normal, most people feel this way I imagine. It's the same for any big life change. It's also totally normal to be happy to be pregnant, but also be thinking "oh god what have we done".

Having said that though, if you've changed your mind, stop TTC. You can always start again later.

As for this though
I’ve always wanted to go to Australia and travel around for a month, didn’t get to do it due to Covid
You are 34 years old and covid is 9 months old, so this can't be the reason you haven't been to Australia. Do not have a baby then come back on mn saying you regret being a parent as it kept you from your dream of travelling around Australia.

It's a big step and it's normal to feel a little nervous I think. I'm 12 weeks and sometimes have bouts if "oh god, what have I done" but then I think of my little baby growing inside me and how I wouldn't choose anything over this.

I agree that you don't seem ready yet for the changes having a baby will bring. It's OK to feel a bit apprehensive but serious doubts about whether this is what you really want is a reason to give more thought.

If you really hate it you can give husband 100% custody. Above pp are really wrong in their advice imo.
The likelihood of you hating motherhood is so very slim. You're more likely to win several lotteries at once. You will love your child.

OP you’ve described how I felt exactly when first TTC. I didn’t really want kids either, but seeing DH with other people’s children made me realise how important it was to him, and therefore it became important to me. Whilst I’m still not sure six years later whether parenthood is for me, I do the best I can and seeing DH being a wonderful father to DS is a constant source of joy to me. DS couldn’t be any more loved and I don’t regret the decision for a second.

I can totally relate. I remember feeling this way except I very much wanted a child, I felt I was ready. But I knew it was the end of life as I knew it and that felt huge. Then it took two years to conceive and by then I wanted it so badly and had pretty much given up hope. It still turned my life upside down and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't ask myself what on earth I'd done to my life a few times.

You sound like you're not ready and might resent a child if you had one now, so have a chat with your DP and make sure you're both on the same page. Agree now how you plan to split the responsibility for the child between you whilst still maintaining your own careers and interests as much as possible.

You might feel competely different when it actually comes to it and you have your own child. You can't compare it to how you feel about other people's children as it's not the same in my experience.

I get this OP. I'm slightly older than you so feeling time pressure. I'm not a drinker but the thought of not having freedom to travel and having to be responsible for a child constantly and everything that can go wrong is terrifying. I think Covid has made it difficult because I was going to use next year to take a career break and do all my bucket list travel and have a 'last hurrah' and then TTC and now it feels like the opportunity has gone.

I love the idea of having a family of my own, seeing a child develop, loving them...but it's also a terrifying idea! I do think it's natural to not jump into the biggest change a person can make without some trepidation, especially if you're a naturally anxious person. I have clinical anxiety and wonder if I'd be able to cope with the stress, lack of control and all the work involved

In all honesty you don't sound like you want a baby or are ready for one. I got pregnant first month of ttc so if you're not sure then I'd go back to using protection until you are.

I was not broody when I fell pregnant, but my pregnancy was the result of a misplaced coil so I wasn't actively TTC.

I love my son dearly, and I'm more maternal than I thought I would be, and he's been nothing but enriching for our family but I'd also consider him an easy baby. Always slept through, plays well by himself, has a natural respect for boundaries as a toddler.

But I don't have the desire for more, and had my contraception not failed I would have been happily child free.

My mum was also never really broody, and had me and my brother 10 years apart probably under similar circumstances to myself. My gran definitely didn't want kids but had 5 and says they changed her life for the better especially as my grandad died and she's still got a huge support network.

I don't think you should try if you feel it's something you'd regret. Many of us have moments where we feel something akin to regret if not actual regret and all our circumstances are different, but you should have a baby because YOU want one and not just because you think it would be ok.

I dont think this is weird at all really.It s a big life change for anyone .I think it is natural to have some doubts .Dont forget you may not conceive straight away .34 is a good age to try ,as although there is much more help these days ,it is probably not as easy at 35 or later (Although I know many Mums who conceived around this age) If you want to go out all the time that is fine ,but eventually friends who have families /TTC will be out less anyway .Not many people have all their boxes ticked (ie Australia for a month) even if single ,there are restrictions ATM .

Just wait till you know it's 'taken' - oh, the panic, the feeling of being trapped, the wondering who it was that wanted this in the first place...
But you get used to it. Yes, you're trapped. But if you decided against having a baby you'd be trapped with the wondering what might have been.

I was pregnant first try. And my mother told me I was a one-shot baby. I'll leave that thought with you. And with (potentially) your little one!

I do not think you have to feel broody per say to want or have children.
I think it is perfectly normal to not even enjoy other peoples children.
However it is totally different when you have your own.

Having a baby is life changing OP, but you get experiences that you would otherwise never have had, and it doesn't mean that you will never ever have a night out, or enjoy yourselves again!

Yes, some of the dynamics in my friendships changed, but I always think friendships evolve, and wax and wane, and very much depend on life stages. But when I say they changed, some for the good, some for the better, plus I have met some lovely new friends along my parenthood journey who I can see being in my life for a good bit of the journey.

I have friends who have kids who don't consider themselves terribly maternal, and whom I perhaps wouldn't consider as maternal as myself, but who love and adore their children and are wonderful parents non the less - and perhaps "maternal" is a bit of a stereotype come to think of it, as I type that.

I have friends who didn't enjoy the baby stage, or the toddler stage, and vice versas, and ones who enjoyed it all, but again, they are still fab parents and I'd have never have known unless they had said.

Having said all that, it's not something to be entered into lightly.

I really, really wanted children, and was lucky to have them, but there's no denying that it can be a tough gig at time, but also a mega rewarding one.

I know how you feel.
I was very maternal, desperate for children, delighted when dh suggested we'd ttc...

But I remember looking at that positive test and thinking "oh heck!"
It is a different stage of life, you do miss the old life at times-especially if friends still have it.

Interestingly thought my dm said she wasn't sure she wanted children, didn't feel maternal at all, until #1 was born, and then she knew that she loved having children and wanted more.