Started TTC last night....AIBU to feel weird?

[SweetShopSurprise]

No one ever really talks about the first time they TTC. It’s (IMO) a big thing but I’ve never really heard any women discuss it.

I feel really weird this morning. For reference, I’ve never been maternal, never wanted kids, always made that clear. However, over the years I’ve seen what an amazing father DH would be and how utterly wonderful he is with other people’s children. I didn’t feel like it was fair to stay in my marriage if I wasn’t prepared to give him 1 (and it would just be the 1 I know that already) child. Added to that, I have over the last year come round to the idea more. I enjoy other people’s children more now (though still wouldn’t say I look forward to spending time with other people’s) and I often think about how nice it would be to have our own little family unit, days out etc but I still wouldn’t say I was broody.

I said we could start trying by Christmas but have kept putting it off, in my head I had November as ‘the month’ that we start trying but last night I just thought feck it and so for the first time ever we had unprotected sex.

Now, don’t get me wrong I have absolutely no idea if it’s my ‘fertile’ time (I suppose I ought to start tracking that, but doing all of that and using those apps etc just seems so...eurgh, unromantic and perfunctory to me) or indeed if both of us are actually fertile at all full stop. I appreciate I’m highly unlikely to get pregnant due to last night but this morning I’m already thinking what if this is it?! What if my old life is officially gone? What if I can’t have drunken nights out now? (We’re still in Tier 1 here atm and who knows, we may stay in it so nights out over the next few months are possible) what if I have to give up my hobby? What if my friendships change as I can no longer go out boozing, what if I suffer with a really bad pregnancy or morning sickness?! And the thought of giving birth terrifies me!!

I guess I’m just feeling a bit .....sad? Like last night I knowingly ‘sleepwalked‘ into giving up my freedom? Did anyone else feel like this the first time they TTC? Knowingly making a decision to turn your life upside down? I just don’t know if I feel ready, but then I’m nearly 34 so if I’m not ready now then will I ever be? And due to my age, I haven’t got the luxury anymore of being able to delay it. I just keep thinking there’s still so much I haven’t done I’ve always wanted to go to Australia and travel around for a month, didn’t get to do it due to Covid and now I’m thinking, will I ever, or at least in the next 10 years?! Sorry, I’m just rambling now

AIBU?

You don't have to have a child if you don't want to.

I didn't TTC with my first, I fell pregnant whilst on the pill and we'd only been together for 3 months. I had never imagined children in my life, I wasn't maternal, had never even held a baby, and didn't enjoy other peoples children either. Pregnant women freaked me out! But, the moment I found I was expecting was exhilarating. I had no reservations, no worries about my life changing, just couldn't wait to embrace pregnancy, birth and my baby. We have 5 children together now, and they are my everything. I went from not really seeing children as part of my life, to not being able to envisage my life without them.
It might be that you're not ready, it might be that you genuinely don't really want them. You can take the risk, but could end up resentful of both the baby and your partner. I would be having a long talk with him about it all before you actively try.

I just don’t believe that SOME women don’t feel the way I do. It surely can’t be that uncommon?

Not sure if you've read all the responses...loads of us have expressed similar feelings to you on our thought processes leading up to the decisions we've made.

You need to really be sure that you actually want kids. I never did, but kept an accident as DH wanted one. If I had my time again I would get an abortion. I love my kid to bits but regualrly feel massive resentment towards both him and my DH. I really don’t enjoy being a mum.

"Is your husband very keen to have children? And look after them? You say ‘he’s great with other people’s kids’ and not ‘he’s desperate to be a dad, it’s a deal breaker for him’."

Good question. I'd assumed he was very keen but you're right, OP didn't say.

@PrtScn

You need to really be sure that you actually want kids. I never did, but kept an accident as DH wanted one. If I had my time again I would get an abortion. I love my kid to bits but regualrly feel massive resentment towards both him and my DH. I really don’t enjoy being a mum.

Sorry you feel that way but I applaud your honesty.

Cheers for letting us all know you got laid last night

@EmbarrassedUser

Cheers for letting us all know you got laid last night

There's always one.

I wouldn’t say I was broody at all- it was more of a pragmatic ‘We know we want children at some point. I would like to have a baby before I’m 30. Shall we get cracking?” thing 😂 I remember feeling intense panic the first time we didn’t use protection- I think it was weird to go from preventing pregnancy for years to suddenly... not.

I love DS with all my heart, he’s absolutely the light of my life. It is HARD work, but it sounds like you know that already.

I don’t think you should have a child ‘for’ your DH though. Make sure you really want one, too.

Someone is not ready for a kid. And that person is you op.
Only try for kids if you actual want one. Not just because you feel like you should to keep the world/partner happy. The worst thing to have, as a kid, is a mum who didnt want her.

Don't think about fertile times, just carry on as you have always done and see what happens. The chances are you will become pregnant but you won't feel pressurised into doing so if you are not monitoring fertile periods in your cycle and that sort of thing.

If you do become pregnant, take it one day at a time. Remember, for most people pregnancy and giving birth is perfectly straightforward. You usually only hear about the difficult cases but the majority are absolutely fine (mine was).

Many people have a baby by accident and then find they are quite happy, glad even, being a parent. There's no reason to think you won't be one of them. Just deal with each thing as it comes.

Right now you are not pregnant so enjoy that! As for not going out boozing I can't comment on that because I don't think that is a particularly good thing to do anyway, you can enjoy yourself without alcohol. However you will be able to go out sometimes; life doesn't stop because you have a child but some things slow down considerably for a while - not forever.

I hope everything works out for you whatever happens. Good luck.

Gosh you don't sound ready for a DC. You sound like you like the idea of it but it's not all rosy days out you know. Wow.

You do sound like you are trying to convince yourself that you want a baby, OP.

I felt like that op. But I knew I was getting older and it was unlikely I'd ever have that lightbulb moment. I went into it knowing how much it would change my life, and I think it's helpful to be very clearheaded about the downsides to it. I went ahead and, as I was lucky not to have fertility issues, conceived first time, so I didn't need to think about whether I was doing the right thing month after month, I was going ahead and doing it. Obviously the kiddies are here now and I can 100percent say I have never ever regretted it. Yes it's hard, yes you lose a lot of freedom for the first ten years or so, yes you'll probably be skint. But, I did still occasionally go out with friends pre covid, my kids are my world, life is good and I don't feel my life would be as good if they weren't here. Not all women feel overwhelming broody. But it doesn't mean we don't make good parents or regret our decision to have kids either.

Having a baby for me is a rite of passage - and all the normal feelings that come with a rite of passage are to be expected - fear of change, resignation, uncertainty, joy, excitement, even sadness.
Expecting to feel nothing but joy and excitement will only make you feel awful if you don’t!
Plenty of people have babies accidentally and are perfectly happy being mothers!
I have 3 children - I didn’t desperately want them - I just didn’t really mind - but I had them and I adore them!!! (And I still get to go on nights out and do my hobby!)

"Having a baby for me is a rite of passage - and all the normal feelings that come with a rite of passage are to be expected - fear of change, resignation, uncertainty, joy, excitement, even sadness.
Expecting to feel nothing but joy and excitement will only make you feel awful if you don’t!"

OP didn't say anything about joy and excitement though. Just that she felt sad.

Ambivalence is normal, some sadness and trepidation is normal, but for most people there is some excitement too.

@EmbarrassedUser jealous? 😂

You know, you sound very similar to me. I don't have a maternal bone in my entire body, I find other peoples kids repulsive (sorry everybody) and I've never had the same burning desire to be a mother like a lot of women do.

However..... I'm married to the most amazing man and I realised I wanted to have HIS children. Not babies in general, but his babies. Some people might find that a really weird concept but it's true - I wouldn't want to become a mother independent of my husband. I want to have OUR babies.

I'm pregnant now and I couldn't be more excited to have our baby. It hasn't changed how I feel about other kids in general but I know with absolute certainty I'm going to love our baby with every fibre of my being.

Starting TTC did feel weird, that first time having unprotected sex felt absolutely monumental (and monumentally weird). It faded really quickly though and I just generally started to really look forward to getting pregnant.

In reality, once you get pregnant you then have 9 (very long!) months to mentally adjust to becoming a mother. I can honestly say my mindset has slowly shifted every single day and I feel ready to be a mum now - but that's because I've slowly evolved over the last 30+ weeks.

I still have moments where I regret the idea of leaving my job for 6/9/12 months however long. And my social life. And being able to leave the house on a whim! And I definitely have some panicky days where I wonder how we'll cope with this complete life shift, lack of sleep, learning complete selflessness. I think that's totally normal, and I wouldn't let it put you off TTC.

You can take babies on long haul holidays too! I'm excited to experience new life events like holidays and be able to see things through the eyes of a child - it'll be a completely different experience to being just a couple but it's all part of having a little family.

Good luck!

I was you. I had my first child at 33, felt the same as you. It was very difficult, tbh. I had PND and it took me a few years to get over that. I think the key is you have to have a supportive partner who is willing to give you 'you' time so you can still keep doing the things you love. Probably not to the extent you are now, but enough so you don't lose sight of yourself.

I think your friend saying you'll cope because you know how difficult it's going to be is right on one level. But know it's going to be hard doesn't make it easier really.

Get a good strong network for baby / mum friends and really invest in that when your baby is little.

You can't tell what kind of parent your partner will be from seeing him with other people children.

You asked for personal experiences ... not sure if mine will help you as it is very different to yours.

But I was 34 and had been waiting and waiting to start TTC (had to be at my company long enough to qualify for their generous maternity scheme!) I was broody as anything and crazy for a baby. It could not have come soon enough.

Also think about your Career and Job etc and who's will suffer more.

I have one DC ended up a single parent but this could happen due to death etc.

It is beyond shockingly life changing, I wouldnt have another as found the toddler years beyond hard and many children get up at 5am for years as did mine.

I am now in the battles of secondary school homework and it makes my blood boil! I could no way do it more than once but I do like being a mum and we have some wonderful times and have had lovely holidays but I am exhausted and he is 12 😳

I think it’s good to feel ambivalent and natural to be concerned about such a huge life change. If you were entirely positive about it you wouldn’t be being realistic. I felt just the same.

I felt quite gutted when I got pregnant first try (sorry).

My children have brought me immense joy and are the best thing that ever happened to me

Jeez I don't think you should be doing this. You dont seem ready. It shouldn't be so awful. It is definitely normal to feel mixed and nervous. But ultimately doing it just for your husband and a day out at a farm is a bad idea.

Kids need you forever. They are constantly changing. Some phases are harder than others. But ultimately they bring you alot of happiness and joy. There is no reason to have children in this lifetime when it's not really for you. Already saying you won't be having a sibling etc. Which is fine. But your not exactly happy about this.

Don't track your cycles. Just have regular sex. Depending on your age etc if you are under 35 both of you, it's likely going to happen eventually. Although people do have problems. Over 35s also can have no problems but it's slightly more likely your eggs won't be as good I think? Men can have problems at any age but can also have babies in their late 40s-50s etc.

I don't think you should bring a child into this world unless you truly know you will love them and enjoy it. Not every minute. But you've got to be in it for the whole journey. The pregnancy and all the side effects mixed in with hopefully lots of happiness and excitment. The baby year which goes so fast, but is a year where you will loose sleep. You will have to dedicate your time to the baby and love it and care for it. But again it should also be a time of happiness and bonding. It shouldn't make you unhappy. It can be hard and some mums get pnd having said that. But ultimately it's your beautiful baby and that first year is filled with happy firsts.

Toddlers are also a huge stage. It's rewarding but hard work. So if the thought of messy hair chairs and potty training and toy cars allover your floor is hell then I would say again it's not a good idea.

Don't bring a child into this world unless you are prepared to love and care for it for 20 years basically. You'll love them forever but on average they will need you literally for that long. I have two and I love them both to bits. It's hard work. But I knew I wanted them and I get alot of pride from being their mum.

Be careful.

Oh, I know how you feel. When I stopped taking the pill (didn't bother tracking cycles or anything, we just stopped using contraception and carried on) and when I found out I was pregnant, I was mostly terrified and apprehensive. People kept asking if I was excited, and the honest answer was 'no'. I knew I wanted a child, but I was also aware of the dangers/what could go wrong/unknown etc. It's possible to want a baby and be apprehensive at the same time!

Now, three years down the line it was the best decision of my life, to have her. Yes life has changed, but life changes anyway (if you're doing it right!). I couldn't have imagined how wonderful it would be to have my daughter in my life, be loved by her and see her growing up and learning. All the cliches are true. Yes it's tough too as you seem to know it will be. But it's completely worth it. As for nights out, socialising etc, this seems to divide people, but I've found it's pretty easy to socialise etc as me and DD live with my DH, so any time I want to go out, I just leave them together. It's not difficult.