Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Childfree life

951 replies

uka888 · 22/10/2020 18:32

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 23/10/2020 18:14

@FatimaTheBallerina

I’m 99% sure I don’t want children, but can I ask other childfree-by-choicers - I was one of 5 growing up and I loved being in a big family and lots of family get togethers. How do you recreate that feeling without kids? I’m introverted but like being amongst people. I’m currently single and in a small flat so I can’t really host family! Would be interested in anyone’s thoughts. Does anyone else miss that?
DH and I have a lovely home, wonderful family and friends. When we had (pre covid) get togethers it was more than enough for me.

Family is family, whether they are by blood or whether there is children or not.

Pursefirst · 23/10/2020 19:06

Agree totally with @JorisBonson.

Very happily childfree by choice, I'm in my early 30s (but had a hysterectomy just over a year ago, so no chance of having kids now thank christ). Pre-COVID, DH and I entertained multiple times a week. We are close friends with several couples who are also childfree by choice and our place seems to be the common hang-out space, which suits me perfectly because I love cooking and entertaining and having that buzz and bustle that @FatimaTheBallerina referred to.

I knew from pretty early on that my career would be incompatible with kids. I also like my sleep/holidays/spontaneous trips or dinners out/ etc. And while I certainly don't hate kids, I don't have any interest in them at all. I am totally at peace with my decision to live a childfree life.

tigger001 · 23/10/2020 19:14

My Brother and SIL have no children, by choice, my brother has always known he doesn't want kids, it's just not his thing and my SIL is the same. She is 36 now, I think she questioned it a couple of years back but they decided no.

They have a great life, it just how they want it.

I don't buy into this, ooh they have Holidays etc etc as so do a lot who have kids. But I think if you live how you are happiest, that's all you can ask for.

And how depressing to think you would raise a child to be saddled with you when you are older, I hope my DS is doing exactly what he wants, not thinking about looking after me, he can Skype me from wherever he is (would be nice if he wanted to still pop in now and again Wink)

Tappering · 23/10/2020 19:21

I've always been puzzled by the statement that having children makes you unselfish. I can absolutely see how it forces you to put yourself second - because you have to de-prioritise your own wants in favour of what's best for your child. However having a child is not an altruistic gesture - surely you become selfish on behalf of your child? You're prioritising your child's wants over those of other people's children, so it's not pure selflessness.

It's always struck me as a strange and illogical argument.

BLASTPROCESSING · 23/10/2020 19:25

"- I was one of 5 growing up and I loved being in a big family and lots of family get togethers. How do you recreate that feeling without kids? I’m introverted but like being amongst people."

I can't miss something that I've never had 🤷‍♀️

GoldfishParade · 23/10/2020 19:31

@Tappering
I agree. Having children takes resources from the planet, and takes time you could be giving to others, to funnel into an extension of yourself. People generally have children because it makes them happy, or the idea made them happy when they embarked on it.

There's nothing unselfish about having children. Equally there's nothing unselfish about not having them, either.

Terralee · 23/10/2020 20:09

I'm 44, single & sadly childless - I always wanted children & still do but have to accept it won't happen for me due to the health problems I have.

I don't even have nieces or nephews.

I don't have enough money to have an amazing lifestyle...

Tellmetruth4 · 23/10/2020 20:36

I have two but I genuinely don’t understand people who have:

A) children to look after them when they’re old. Care homes are littered with people who are never visited by their kids...

B) have siblings for kids because they will be BFFs. I and many other people can’t stand some of their siblings...

Don’t bring people in to the world with the expectation they will ‘owe’ you in some way. They are their own individual people and it will work out how it will work out.

I know older child free people who have lovely lives in their retirement with good friends and company.

lynsey91 · 23/10/2020 20:58

Me and DH are both in our 60's, been married 40 years and chose to remain childfree. Various reasons but a couple were that we thought the world was already overpopulated and we didn't want to add to it, we also thought the world was a pretty shit place to bring children into (we both think it is even shittier now) and we did not want our marriage and happiness to be ruined.

Neither of us have ever regretted our decision. In fact we are now even more convinced we made the right decision. We do both like children a lot but we also like horses but never felt the need to have one.

I have honestly never felt the slightest bit of jealousy of friends with children. More often that not I have felt sorry for them. Even now when many of them have grandchildren they are so often moaning about the children or grandchildren. It seems that far too often the stress, worry and grief just never stops

amusedbush · 23/10/2020 22:06

@FatimaTheBallerina

I’m 99% sure I don’t want children, but can I ask other childfree-by-choicers - I was one of 5 growing up and I loved being in a big family and lots of family get togethers. How do you recreate that feeling without kids? I’m introverted but like being amongst people. I’m currently single and in a small flat so I can’t really host family! Would be interested in anyone’s thoughts. Does anyone else miss that?
Nope! I hate family get togethers. I hate crowds of people whatever the circumstances; I have two friends and I see them one-on-one because they don't know each other Grin

A big family shindig is my idea of hell. I left my mum's 50th birthday party early and was in my pyjamas at home before she'd even realised I'd gone!

ThePriceIsNotRight · 23/10/2020 23:28

I’m sure that for a lot of people, especially those who want children, it would be an unconditional love they feel. That said, plenty of women speak of regretting motherhood, as taboo a subject it is. I honestly think I would be one of them, and knowing myself, I would absolutely grow resentful of any children I had, and I would be a bad mother. Hence why I don’t have any, and no desire to have them in future. I’ve just never had the maternal urge.

I get my ‘complete love’ feeling from my husband, my family, my friends and my animals. There’s nothing I feel I’m lacking from not having children (or indeed not being around children) whereas there would be a lot I’d lose if I had them.

AlmaBaldwin · 24/10/2020 01:16

@ThePriceIsNotRight

I’m sure that for a lot of people, especially those who want children, it would be an unconditional love they feel. That said, plenty of women speak of regretting motherhood, as taboo a subject it is. I honestly think I would be one of them, and knowing myself, I would absolutely grow resentful of any children I had, and I would be a bad mother. Hence why I don’t have any, and no desire to have them in future. I’ve just never had the maternal urge.

I get my ‘complete love’ feeling from my husband, my family, my friends and my animals. There’s nothing I feel I’m lacking from not having children (or indeed not being around children) whereas there would be a lot I’d lose if I had them.

I agree, love comes in many forms throughout life and it must be hard to find 'unconditional love' for a child you didn't want, don't want and now resent.
Original poster
uka888 · 24/10/2020 09:40

The future is something that worries me slightly, because so many people have said who will look after you and you ll be old and lonely! I think it’s a shame there is still a big pressure on women to have children, it makes you feel unusual to not follow the norm!

OP posts:
lynsey91 · 24/10/2020 10:08

@uka888

The future is something that worries me slightly, because so many people have said who will look after you and you ll be old and lonely! I think it’s a shame there is still a big pressure on women to have children, it makes you feel unusual to not follow the norm!
The future does worry me a bit but then I am a worrier. I see my parents who are in their 90's and the amount of help me and my siblings give them. My dad, in particular, cannot really do anything for himself now.

I do think though that not only is expecting your children to look after you when you are old wrong, there is every chance it will not happen for whatever reason.

Lots of children move miles from their parents, even to other countries. Lots fall out with their parents. My DH had no contact with his parents for the last 15 years of their lives. Also you children may not outlive you. My next door neighbour where I used to live was 94. She had 4 children but they were all dead

Nicolastuffedone · 24/10/2020 10:14

60+ no children by choice! Absolutely no regrets whatsoever. The idea of babies, toddlers, sleepless nights etc was never in my plan. I love my life and the freedom I have and have had.....

Original poster
uka888 · 24/10/2020 14:51

For those of you slightly older who decided not to have children did you have times in your 30s questioning yourself when it seemed like the ‘norm’ to have children?

OP posts:
Readandwalk · 24/10/2020 14:56

I am childfree by choice. Feel pressure in my 30s to find the one, ie father material. Horrendous societal pressure. Didn't do it. 51 now no regrets. The opposite, have many feelings of relief especially when I see friends going through hell with teenagers and expected to keep adult children at home.

Have no need to follow I'm childfree with "but ...nieces, nephews, teaching job etc", as many without children do. As if they have to immediately have a qualifying statement to show they are capable of caring for children.

PhilSwagielka · 24/10/2020 14:59

I regret nothing. I’ve never wanted kids. I’d be a dad mother. I also like having a routine and my own space.

PhilSwagielka · 24/10/2020 14:59

BAD mother. Stupid phone.

CounsellorTroi · 24/10/2020 15:01

When I was in my 30s and 40s and someone, say, brought their baby into the office there was definitely a pressure to demonstrate that you were maternal by showing an interest, holding the baby etc.

lynsey91 · 24/10/2020 15:25

@uka888

For those of you slightly older who decided not to have children did you have times in your 30s questioning yourself when it seemed like the ‘norm’ to have children?
No, I have never ever doubted or questioned our choice. Lots of my friends and family had children by then and it just made me feel more sure in deciding not to have any.
OliviaBenson · 24/10/2020 15:47

@uka888

For those of you slightly older who decided not to have children did you have times in your 30s questioning yourself when it seemed like the ‘norm’ to have children?
Yes, I even had counselling for it. I needed to unpick my feelings about it. I think I was wavering because I felt like I should want a family. Now I'm at peace with it but it wasn't easy. A lot of it was mourning friendships that changed when they had kids and me feeling so alone in my decision.
WitchesSpelleas · 24/10/2020 15:52

@uka888

For those of you slightly older who decided not to have children did you have times in your 30s questioning yourself when it seemed like the ‘norm’ to have children?
No, I don't remember questioning myself in my 30s. The only time I thought about it was just before my hysterectomy (in my 40s). Realistically the chances of my conceiving naturally at that age would have been small anyway, but it did prompt me mentally to make sure I was happy with doing something from which there was absolutely no going back - I was.
MagicSummer · 24/10/2020 15:58

@uka888

For those of you slightly older who decided not to have children did you have times in your 30s questioning yourself when it seemed like the ‘norm’ to have children?
No, never. I don't like children anyway so certainly never wanted my own. My husband has grandchildren and I have to grit my teeth and smile when I see them!
ClementineWoolysocks · 24/10/2020 16:22

@uka888

For those of you slightly older who decided not to have children did you have times in your 30s questioning yourself when it seemed like the ‘norm’ to have children?
No. My 30s were amazing, nights out, clubbing, gigs, parties, test driving different men, getting ahead at work, studying, weekends away at the last minute. I never even thought about having children, I was having way too much fun.