Childfree life

[uka888]

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

There's a difference between childfree and childless. It may seem pedantic but the difference needs to be recognizes

Why? The things is the same, the only difference is in how you feel about it, which most people won't know and certainly shouldn't ask. It might matter to you, but its not something anyone else needs to recognise.

One of the most insulting things I ever heard was a woman who was an acquaintance of mine, in a really shitty relationship with two kids.

We were walking back to her car when she told me "Yeah, me and DP were saying maybe the reason you work so much is because you want a child".

I was actually cut to the bone. The inaccuracy of it almost made it worse. It was then that I realised that that's what people could think of me. That actually I wanted kids, rather than it be an active choice not to have them.

What she didnt realise is that me working so much was actually an excuse I kept using to be able to fob her off.

I never saw her again and I still dont think she knows why.

Childfree, knew I would be since I was ten years old or so, lived through years of "oh you will change your mind" comments, even when I was in my 30s I had a nurse at a smear say it always used to piss me off, like I didn't know my own mind.

But still happily child free. For me it would of been hell, the drudgery, the change in lifestyle, its not for me.

Gosh @GoldfishParade, what an awful thing to have said to you. I'm not surprised you were hurt.

As well as having to prove that you have children in your life and that you don't hate kids, there so often seems to be the assumption that women who don't have children are some sort of hard-nosed, driven career freak who is using her job to fill the yawning, screaming void in her life.

It is refreshing to hear from so many childfree women who are happy with their decision!

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

@CleverCatty you've missed a camp: childfree women like me who have no nephews, nieces or godchildren, no children at all in their lives.

Imagine that! A woman who lives entirely unfettered by children. Mind-blowing stuff.

I'm early 40's, childfree by choice and very happy with my life and my decision.

I have no interest in interacting with children and honestly, find it very hard to understand why anyone would choose to have them.

I have no problem with people asking why I don't have them, but object to people telling me why I'm wrong - yes it happens, although much less now!

@Cumbersome

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

@CleverCatty you've missed a camp: childfree women like me who have no nephews, nieces or godchildren, no children at all in their lives.

Imagine that! A woman who lives entirely unfettered by children. Mind-blowing stuff.

There's nothing wrong in that either by choice or not by choice.

My friend though - she always wanted children but for various reasons, mostly bad partner choices hasn't had any. Adoption is also harder if you're single. Her siblings for various reasons can't have kids and I recall her saying to me and her counsellor (for lots of reasons) that she felt really upset that she and her siblings couldn't give her DM grandchildren, so it is or can be a real concern.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

Gosh *@GoldfishParade*, what an awful thing to have said to you. I'm not surprised you were hurt.

As well as having to prove that you have children in your life and that you don't hate kids, there so often seems to be the assumption that women who don't have children are some sort of hard-nosed, driven career freak who is using her job to fill the yawning, screaming void in her life.

Yes. If you don't have children you are expected to be doing something awesome instead like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro for charity or being the CEO of your own company. Rather than just living a normal quiet life.

I’m 49 and childfree by choice. My fertility is running out and by God, I’m glad to be rid of it. I knew very young that I didn’t want kids, didn’t really enjoy being around other children then and feel much the same now. I can’t think of a single phase of motherhood I would enjoy. Babies bore me, younger children are shrill, older ones more interesting but their moods would annoy the hell out of me. I can’t imagine how it feels to really want children.

Most of my friends have kids, some have also been through the pain of primary or secondary infertility. Thankfully they’re all happy now, though I don’t envy their lives with children and they don’t envy mine without. We still have plenty in common.

@Cumbersome

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

@CleverCatty you've missed a camp: childfree women like me who have no nephews, nieces or godchildren, no children at all in their lives.

Imagine that! A woman who lives entirely unfettered by children. Mind-blowing stuff.

I can imagine that. If I hadn't had a child, I would have no nieces and nephews. I can't say it has ever bothered me, only just thought of it actually.

Does it really make that much difference anyway? If people don't want children, they just don't. It doesn't mean they don't like them, they often have very good reasons for their choice which is their business. Nieces and nephews are not the same as your own child though it is often a nice relationship.

@Notadramallama

I'm early 40's, childfree by choice and very happy with my life and my decision.

I have no interest in interacting with children and honestly, find it very hard to understand why anyone would choose to have them.

I have no problem with people asking why I don't have them, but object to people telling me why I'm wrong - yes it happens, although much less now!

It's awful to ask any personal questions like that, so intrusive.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

I know the poster of this comment (@CleverCatty) was referring to her friends specifically but it raises another point that I often find relevant. There almost seems an expectation that a child-free woman will have to 'justify' her status by saying "But I do have nephews/neices/godchildren, who I love and spend loads of time with" as if we need to explain that we aren't child-haters who are thinking of building a gingerbread house in the local woods.

Anyone else find that?

You see a lot on threads here though childfree people saying that they hate children and describing them in quite awful ways sometimes. You wouldn't say that you dislike old people or that you hate the way they talk so loudly/play the tv so loudly because they are deaf.

I get the impression from here that lots of childfree people are child-haters tbh, maybe that isn't true but it is certainly the impression I get from the derogatory way they are described.

I love my child-free life, it's completely by choice as I never wanted children. I hear other women talking about the almost overwhelming desire to have children and I've never felt that. I've never been broody or felt my biological clock ticking.

Aloethere

I'm not a child hater and I'm child-free.

A whole other issue re how child-free women describe kids:-

• You see them running around Costa/pubs/etc tripping people up, behaving badly - probably a generational thing - but I've seen this countless times - have also not seen this and you get all the 'gentle parents'.

• Children are rude to you or you see this etc - either who you know/related to etc. This can be generational too.

This is like I said a whole other issue - but if I were a kid and behaved the way some kids behave now towards other kids, adults, out in public etc - then there would have been consequences.

Quite a few other parents I know don't like this behaviour - NDN friend says she hates this behaviour but says she doesn't hit her kids but would like to sometimes. So I don't think it's a question of child free people being child haters at all.

I like children.

I get the impression from here that lots of childfree people are child-haters tbh, maybe that isn't true but it is certainly the impression I get from the derogatory way they are described.

But loads of parents on here say they don't like other people's children, only their own. And they don't seem to get censured for it unlike childfree people.

@grapewine

I never understood why the childfree by choice are so often said to be selfish in not wanting children. People don't decide to start a family for the greater good. They do it because that's what they want. It isn't for some altruistic reason.

I agree with you. Having a child is often a selfish decision.

My parents wanted children and could not have them. They adopted me, took me straight from the hospital where i was born and they had been married 18.5 years! During that marriage, my mother did not go to work (except for when she had to during the war and dad was in the army), did no voluntary work and added nothing to her life. She also didn't mix much with anyone outside of her own family. What a waste of those years.

She didn't change much after having me, never mixed socially or had people visiting other than her siblings and their children. I was supposed to fit in to that set up and if I didn't, was told I always wanted to be different, I was ungrateful and selfish. (She did have her good points and was a marvellous grandmother.)

@Cumbersome

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

@CleverCatty you've missed a camp: childfree women like me who have no nephews, nieces or godchildren, no children at all in their lives.

Imagine that! A woman who lives entirely unfettered by children. Mind-blowing stuff.

Same here. DH is an only child. My sister wanted them but couldn't have them. I don't really 'do' close friendships so I never meet any of my acquaintances' children. It's about ten years since I spoke to anyone under the age of 18.

That doesn't mean I hate children. I quite like a 'family' atmosphere in a restaurant, for instance - happy, well-behaved children give a cheerfulness to public places.

@DTIsOnlyForNow

There's a difference between childfree and childless. It may seem pedantic but the difference needs to be recognizes

Why? The things is the same, the only difference is in how you feel about it, which most people won't know and certainly shouldn't ask. It might matter to you, but its not something anyone else needs to recognise.

It isn't the same though. It would be rather insensitive to describe a woman who has suffered infertility as 'childfree' - it might be the case that she'd give anything not to be free of children.

The word 'childless' implies loss, that there is something missing. That may be true of some women but those who have actively chosen not to have children have lost nothing and are missing nothing. It also implies that 'childed' is the norm, meaning that the childfree are 'not normal'.

It's probably more sensible to note the difference rather than risk upsetting someone.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

I know the poster of this comment (@CleverCatty) was referring to her friends specifically but it raises another point that I often find relevant. There almost seems an expectation that a child-free woman will have to 'justify' her status by saying "But I do have nephews/neices/godchildren, who I love and spend loads of time with" as if we need to explain that we aren't child-haters who are thinking of building a gingerbread house in the local woods.

Anyone else find that?

I haven't personally found that, I have no nieces or nephews as both my brothers also decided child-free was the way for them. I've never been someone who felt the need to justify myself or my decisions though.

It isn't the same though. It would be rather insensitive to describe a woman who has suffered infertility as 'childfree' - it might be the case that she'd give anything not to be free of children

I think you missed the point rather. I wouldn't know whether someone was childfree by choice or not, because not only would I not be so insensitive to ask, but I don't generally care. I can't choose my description based on internal feelings someone may or may not have, which I have no way of knowing.

So again, the difference is in the individuals mind, not mine. If childfree or childless is loaded for you personally then I'm sorry, but I have no way of knowing which you'd prefer, and frankly its of no consequence to anyone else.

It's probably more sensible to note the difference rather than risk upsetting someone

So how do you suggest that we find out which is the right word? Because asking "did you want children or not" seems to be the absolute wrong thing to say.

It's not always as clear cut as childless or childfree though. I couldn't have children but I am now ok with it and don't really like the term childless anyway. I'm not less anything.

I never wanted children but fell into it with XH who was very keen. Happily I’ve turned out to be an ok parent but that’s been helped by easy healthy children and enough money. I could easily have ended up child free and I’m sure I would have been happy , nice to see so many positive posts

I’m 99% sure I don’t want children, but can I ask other childfree-by-choicers - I was one of 5 growing up and I loved being in a big family and lots of family get togethers. How do you recreate that feeling without kids? I’m introverted but like being amongst people. I’m currently single and in a small flat so I can’t really host family! Would be interested in anyone’s thoughts. Does anyone else miss that?

How do you recreate that feeling without kids?

It isn't something I experienced as a child, and if I'm honest it doesn't sound like my kind of thing. I don't feel comfortable in large groups of people