Childfree life

[uka888]

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

Some people seem terribly threatened and upset by those who choose, freely and happily, not to have kids. I genuinely don’t know why.
People generally feel threatened by anyone who chooses to go their own way and not do what society dictates, be that being vegan, not getting married, living frugally... The stupidest little things can make people feel threatened and judgmental. I'm sure childfree people are guilty of this themselves, everyone has their own trigger.

Oh and yeah it does change friendship dynamics. For some it’s fine and it’s as it always was. Others think as you don’t have children you need to dance to their tune constantly e.g. crazy demands like get up at 5am to go to see them (that’s not a typo!). As well as any challenge you have in life, they say TRYING HAVING CHILDREN! Err we did but failed

This reminded me of my MIL asking me one Christmas if I was going to go round and watch my nephew opening his presents. I don't think my DB and SIL would have been impressed by me knocking on their door at 5 or 6am on Christmas morning!

I'm a fencesitter, leaning towards remaining childfree, and running out of time to make the decision. There is nothing else I have thought more about in my life than whether to try for a baby or not. So many reasons not to (for me), but there is the possibility that I'm missing out on the best thing that could ever happen to me (maybe).

Positives - at my age - no stress and worrying about the impact I'm having on someone else's life, more money, can still lead a relatively carefree life pleasing myself. I can spend time with my nieces and nephews and hand them back.

Negatives - none at the moment, but I can see further down the lane that I might feel I've missed out.

@womenAndVulvas you've got it spot on - people often try and validate their own choices either way (parents and childfree). I've read a lot of these types of posts, and they inevitably turn into a bunfight.

for me at 49 there are three camps in my friends:-

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

the second camp is they've not met the right person to have DC with or have been married (like me, now divorced), pregnant and had miscarriage/termination etc - so not right time and now time has run out.

Third camp - TTC but never happened.

Me - I'm more in second camp - a lot of relatives were 'in second or third marriages with or without children'. My DM though divorced was a single mother and in 70s this was a stigma. Then best friend got pregnant at 18 and regretted it as she told me - another best friend got pregnant at 24 did better. I just never met the right person or ran away from the semi right person (including my ex-DH) - I did want DC but then I didn't want DC - I was very 50/50 about it. I had the hormones jumping, clock ticking 30s/40s and wanted DC but then I realised my life, finances etc would never be the same again.

Hard to put into words. If I'd really wanted DC I think I'd have frozen eggs or just had DC.

I do have a nephew, young (2 years old) whereas another close friend has no nephews/nieces (she has 2 siblings who for various reasons don't have DC) and was worried about leaving her DP with no grandchildren and also no-one around for her - she has met a man who has DC so potentially she could be a stepmum.

@CheesePlant789

I'm a fencesitter, leaning towards remaining childfree, and running out of time to make the decision. There is nothing else I have thought more about in my life than whether to try for a baby or not. So many reasons not to (for me), but there is the possibility that I'm missing out on the best thing that could ever happen to me (maybe).

Positives - at my age - no stress and worrying about the impact I'm having on someone else's life, more money, can still lead a relatively carefree life pleasing myself. I can spend time with my nieces and nephews and hand them back.

Negatives - none at the moment, but I can see further down the lane that I might feel I've missed out.

@womenAndVulvas you've got it spot on - people often try and validate their own choices either way (parents and childfree). I've read a lot of these types of posts, and they inevitably turn into a bunfight.

In the sense of your issue I'd say go for it.

I was also a fencesitter but I was married at 30 and he wanted DC but I wasn't sure and also wasn't sure of whether to have them with him.

If you have a nice partner I'd probably say go for it.

36 and childfree by choice. Never pictured kids in my future: my teenage daydreams were always about having a glamorous and fulfilling career, armfuls of kittens, travel, theatre trips etc.

Not regretted it yet and despite only having the one cat (and not being able to travel right now) my life is exactly how I pictured it. I feel very grateful - also to have a DH who doesn't want children either.

Some people seem terribly threatened and upset by those who choose, freely and happily, not to have kids. I genuinely don’t know why.

This is absolutely spot on. A large percentage of women think that other women who choose not to have children are in some sort of denial about their "maternal urges".

This in itself was almost enough to put me off having children. I loathe the mythology of motherhood being the natural state of being for a woman.

I'm 30 and while I'm constantly teased and told I'll change my mind, I've known that I didn't want children since I was about 14.

I'm not maternal at all and I like my life the way it is. The thought of giving up my freedom for someone who is totally dependant on me brings me out in a cold sweat. I don't enjoy spending time around kids and when people say "it's different when it's your own" I just think bloody right it's different - I can't give them back! It just seems so relentless. I love having the freedom to focus on what I want and being able to do it at the drop of a hat.

I think having a child is a roll of the dice and you have to really want children in order to be happy whatever the outcome. Yeah, you could have an easy baby that grows into a happy, well-behaved child or you could be like my friend, whose daughter hasn't slept for more than a couple of hours a night for seven years. I just won't take that bet.

@amusedbush

or you could be like my friend, whose daughter hasn't slept for more than a couple of hours a night for seven years.

Could be...but, barring SEN (apologies in advance if there are other issues at play here), I reckon one can manage the sleeping thing. Not fashionable on this site, but you can sleep train. That’s what we did and it was definitely worth the effort.

I do have a child - but am firmly against the idea of mother as martyr.

Never had the desire. I look at parents and just see it as a different lifestyle choice to me. I have a niece and nephew but I'm not really involved in their lives, I send presents and see them occasionally.
I like children, but I'm constantly being told about the drudgery and I am so happy I'm childfree over lockdown. I'm 37 and don't see my mind changing anytime soon.

“I suppose in a way I am quite selfish, in that I cannot bear the thought of another human talking over my life and money, and stopping me doing what I want when I want.“

I don’t really see it’s anymore selfish not having children than having them. In both instances you are doing what you want. Such a shame we can’t all be happy that our friends have the choice and allow each other to celebrate the good bits and moan about the bad bits without getting defensive.

[quote Piglet89]@amusedbush

or you could be like my friend, whose daughter hasn't slept for more than a couple of hours a night for seven years.

Could be...but, barring SEN (apologies in advance if there are other issues at play here), I reckon one can manage the sleeping thing. Not fashionable on this site, but you can sleep train. That’s what we did and it was definitely worth the effort.

I do have a child - but am firmly against the idea of mother as martyr.[/quote]
Mother as martyr is hellish, but it's so societal lead isn't it? My parent friends seem to really feel the crushing weight of 'am I doing it right? Doreen down the road says I'm doing it wrong' I wish it was different for them. I keep telling them they're raising great kids but they never believe me!

I am over 60, childfree by choice, and have never regretted it for one moment. The whole process of actually producing one sounds awful and then being tied to the child until the age of 18 dreadfully claustrophobic. What really put me off was when I was about 7 and my aunt was feeding my cousin of about 1. She kept spooning the food into his mouth, only for most of it to re-appear and drip down his face. I remember thinking 'I never, ever want to do that' and I didn't. The one occasion when I thought I was pregnant was absolutely frightening and I was so glad that I wasn't!

@MagicSummer

I am over 60, childfree by choice, and have never regretted it for one moment. The whole process of actually producing one sounds awful and then being tied to the child until the age of 18 dreadfully claustrophobic. What really put me off was when I was about 7 and my aunt was feeding my cousin of about 1. She kept spooning the food into his mouth, only for most of it to re-appear and drip down his face. I remember thinking 'I never, ever want to do that' and I didn't. The one occasion when I thought I was pregnant was absolutely frightening and I was so glad that I wasn't!

I feel exactly the same! I miscarried and I was so glad, as it meant I didn't have the hassle if having an abortion. I was too scared to tell anyone in real life incase they judged me harshly.

[quote Piglet89]@amusedbush

or you could be like my friend, whose daughter hasn't slept for more than a couple of hours a night for seven years.

Could be...but, barring SEN (apologies in advance if there are other issues at play here), I reckon one can manage the sleeping thing. Not fashionable on this site, but you can sleep train. That’s what we did and it was definitely worth the effort.

I do have a child - but am firmly against the idea of mother as martyr.[/quote]
This is probably a massive drip feed but I'm autistic and so there's a good chance I could have an autistic child. I've seen friends struggle with their children who are on the spectrum and honestly, it's hard enough for me to navigate the world without raising another neurodiverse person!

The friend I mentioned is also autistic, as is her (non sleeping) daughter. I truly don't know how she does it!

@amusedbush yep, fair enough.

Our son seems NT at the moment, but he’s only 14 months old and the other thing is - goodness knows what’s round the corner! The whole process of having children is fraught with uncertainty and risk...and that risk obviously multiplied the more you have of them!

Children enhance your life if you’re cut out to be a parent, have the resources and are prepared for the sacrifices you have to make to raise them.

Quite true. For me:

No
Yes
No

in that order .... so I didn't bother

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

I know the poster of this comment (@CleverCatty) was referring to her friends specifically but it raises another point that I often find relevant. There almost seems an expectation that a child-free woman will have to 'justify' her status by saying "But I do have nephews/neices/godchildren, who I love and spend loads of time with" as if we need to explain that we aren't child-haters who are thinking of building a gingerbread house in the local woods.

Anyone else find that?

@BrightYellowDaffodil

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

I know the poster of this comment (@CleverCatty) was referring to her friends specifically but it raises another point that I often find relevant. There almost seems an expectation that a child-free woman will have to 'justify' her status by saying "But I do have nephews/neices/godchildren, who I love and spend loads of time with" as if we need to explain that we aren't child-haters who are thinking of building a gingerbread house in the local woods.

Anyone else find that?

Yes and not just me.

My friend who never wanted kids always seems to feel the need to say 'but I'm an auntie, godmother etc'

@BrightYellowDaffodil

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

I know the poster of this comment (@CleverCatty) was referring to her friends specifically but it raises another point that I often find relevant. There almost seems an expectation that a child-free woman will have to 'justify' her status by saying "But I do have nephews/neices/godchildren, who I love and spend loads of time with" as if we need to explain that we aren't child-haters who are thinking of building a gingerbread house in the local woods.

Anyone else find that?

The older I get, the more I feel for the witch in that story. She built herself a lovely house in a quiet area and some kids turned up and ate it??

@CounsellorTroi exactly! That’s a bit much especially on Christmas Day

When l politely said a 5am start was too much and we wanted to not literally get up at the crack of dawn. We had both had a busy week and were tired. She got irritable, saying l wasn’t making enough effort and we didn’t know what tired was. We aren’t friends any more for clarity

@BrightYellowDaffodil

Yep. It annoys me. "I have nieces though". So what? Nieces arent your children? Its almost like we are still expected to want some kind of "child" fix.

I don't dislike children but I don't actively like them either. There are lots of situations where parents kind of glance around knowingly as if we're all supposed to think "ahhh" when actually they are just talking really loudly on the train and it's annoying.

The thing I hate most of all is when I am forced into an audienced interaction with a child. Actually I get on really well with many kids I've met by myself, but when you have parents watching you its like you have to perform this part.
Me: -talking about something to do with French, a language I speak-
Parent: MiniMe has started French! Havent you MiniMe! Tell Goldfish all about your French!
MiniMe (painstakingly slowly): Un.....d.....deux.....umm.....cinq.....

Me: Mock wide eyes and expression of wonderment with forced smile, helping child to count while thinking FFS I cba with this

@BrightYellowDaffodil

one is the ones who never wanted to have DC and have no regrets, they either have nephews, nieces, godchildren etc

I know the poster of this comment (@CleverCatty) was referring to her friends specifically but it raises another point that I often find relevant. There almost seems an expectation that a child-free woman will have to 'justify' her status by saying "But I do have nephews/neices/godchildren, who I love and spend loads of time with" as if we need to explain that we aren't child-haters who are thinking of building a gingerbread house in the local woods.

Anyone else find that?

Yes, and it's perfectly acceptable for parents to say they don't like other people's children but if a childfree person says it they must HATE children, as if we're not saying EXACTLY the same thing

The thing I hate most of all is when I am forced into an audienced interaction with a child.

Yes, I feel the same. I feel a huge pressure to “perform” and then get comments about how I’d make such a good mother (I’m not child free by choice) which is awful.

This in itself was almost enough to put me off having children. I loathe the mythology of motherhood being the natural state of being for a woman.

Yep. I have had no maternal urges at all from a very early age. I never played with dolls and didn't even really like children when I was a child. I've always preferred people older than me and animals.

I have two siblings and they have produced a few nieces and nephews who I avoided like hell when they were children and gradually grew closer as they got older. And my husband's sister's children - who we ended up adopting when their mother died - but they are teenagers and interesting people. I love them to absolute bits - but never wish for them to be my own birth children if that makes sense?

I have led a good life, so far. Had a great career, travelled when I wanted, plenty of money and a wonderful husband. I would have still had that if I'd had my own children - but I never wanted them.

I can't really say why I never wanted them - I don't believe CF people are any more or less selfish than parents; I've been a junior doctor and have spent many nights in various jobs on call so no sleep isn't something that bothers me; I have no problem sharing or sacrificing things for people I love.....

I'm just not interested in having a baby, hearing about babies, the company of small children and having to deal with small children. I look at people with young children and I just think that it looks a nightmare of a life and I don't want it, so why put myself through that hell?