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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Childfree life

951 replies

uka888 · 22/10/2020 18:32

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 04/04/2021 21:58

[quote ED81]@Veterinari. Nail on the head! Absolutely. I struggle with many decisions in life. And experience anxiety to a mild to moderate level. That certainly does fluctuate thought and does vary.

It’s all a bit odd. I have a very responsible professional job where I can make choices, decisions, manage and listen to others etc but can’t do it for myself.[/quote]
Not odd at all. In fact your decision-making at work likely contributes to your personal decision fatigue and your anxiety about making the right decisions for yourself

www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html

ED81 · 04/04/2021 22:02

@Veterinari. I’ll check this out.Smile

Bedtime here for now.
Really appreciate everyone “listening” to my rambles today. Thank you! Flowers

Much appreciated.

Cherrycee · 04/04/2021 22:38

I totally get where you're coming from ED81. I've never felt that maternal urge or 'just known' whether or not I wanted kids. The responsibility of it does scare me. I'm heading towards my late 30s and I know I have to make a decision.

One thing that complicates it for me is that I have hardly any family. Both of my parents are dead and I have a much older sister who is childfree, so no nieces or nephews. Our extended family live some distance away and we're not particularly close. There is also a serious mental illness that runs through my mother's side of the family, and I honestly don't think I could cope if a child of mine had it.

I'm so torn. The thought of potentially ending up with no family when I'm older is upsetting, but is that a good enough reason to have kids? I know I would parenting exhausting and stressful, and I have also suffered from anxiety and depression so I don't know how adding kids into the mix would work with that.

My fiance is leaning towards childfree, as I also seem to be, but I worry about the future.

Mary46 · 04/04/2021 23:05

Good thread. I have 2. Its not for everyone. I know lots families that arent close as they older!! So no guarantees with siblings.

TheSecretAngel · 05/04/2021 00:03

I had always been on the fence but leaning a tiny bit more towards having children. A number of years ago when I was in my early 30’s I had thought it was time to make a decision if I wanted a child or not. I had been been with DH for 7 years, married 4 and he was fine either way.

I knew about MN through a friend but hadn’t used it so I signed up and poured through so many different topics and threads. Yes there were a few good positive stories but on the whole the different types of issues and sacrifices people made, made me realise children were not for me or my DH.

It was MN that made me decide not to have kids. I know I should not admit that here and will get slated (hence why I’ve name changed!) but I’m very happily childfree. Yes I know people and circumstances are different but this place with it’s thousands of threads opened my eyes to what having children is really like. I have no regrets.

psychomath · 05/04/2021 02:06

I don't want children and never have. There's still time, biologically speaking, but the only way I could realistically see that changing would be if I met someone I really loved and specifically wanted to have children with them, rather than in the abstract, if you see what I mean. I accept it's a possibility, but I've never met anyone like that so far and I'm not actively looking for a relationship, so it doesn't seem very likely.

I've known since I was a teenager that I was far more interested in maintaining strong friendships than having a family or a romantic relationship, and actually that worried me a huge amount at the time. I had visions of all my friends getting married and having babies when we were in our late 20s, and thought I'd be lonely and left behind as they focused more on their families. In reality, of course, that's not what happened at all. A lot of my friends are single and/or childfree themselves, the ones who did have children didn't all have them at the same time, some of my best friends are 10+ years older than me (inconceivable when you're 16!) and their children are nearly grown, and as I've got older I've simply found my own interests and felt less need to be around people 24/7 anyway. I also wasted a lot of my twenties making myself miserable by chasing relationships that weren't good for me and that I didn't really want, just to try and feel normal, and though I'm very happily single now I still feel the loss of those years that I'll never get back.

I think this experience taught me two important things that helped me clarify my feelings around not wanting children. First. that it's not worth doing something you know isn't right for you just because other people insist that you must want it really. And second, that it's not worth making decisions based on hypothetical worries that are decades away from materialising, because by the time they come around both you and your situation will be unrecognisably different from whatever you're imagining anyway.

Relationships are to a large extent what you make of them, and provided you're open to other people and willing to make an effort it's always possible to form new bonds even once you're older. My parents uprooted their entire lives in their mid-60s to move to a city where they didn't know a soul, got heavily involved in community projects and hobby groups, and had better social lives there than I did in my twenties. We get along well, but I live on the other side of the country and only see them a few times a year - in terms of loneliness, they get far less social contact from me than from their friends and neighbours, some of whom are younger than me and in very little danger of dropping dead from old age any time soon!

And of course, many people are lonely through no fault of their own, whether due to social anxiety or ill health or simply bad luck, but those things can all affect people who do have children as well. My maternal grandfather had five children who loved him, but it didn't stop him being lonely at the end of his life when most of them lived hundreds of miles away and he had few local friends. Even if you have a loving family, if you're entirely reliant on them as your social network, how are you going to cope if, for example, your children have problems of their own that leave them with no extra capacity to support you as well? With the exception of those who thrive in solitude, everyone needs strong social connections with a variety of people - unless you're extremely close and they live nearby, your children by themselves are unlikely to be enough.

And as others have said, you can't even guarantee that you will have a perfect loving family. I used to be a secondary teacher and have spent years working in schools in some capacity, and it's easy to make a flippant remark about how I've known enough teenagers in my life to put me off having one of my own. Truthfully, though, I do like them - otherwise I wouldn't still be doing it - but I've seen so many variations on what can go wrong, from behaviour problems to bullying to addiction to abuse to serious mental or physical illness to, tragically, suicide and murder. As a teacher I never learned to detach enough, and every single day I felt like I was failing kids by trying to explain the structure of the atom instead of being able to give them the kind of support they really needed. I can't even begin to imagine how much worse that anxiety and guilt would be going through the same issues as a parent.

But mostly, for me, it's that there's already so much I want to do with my life, and I already know I won't have a chance to do it all before I die - I just don't have a spare few years to spend on sleep deprivation and changing nappies, let alone the next fifteen before they move out! Frankly, I'm not even sure I'll ever find the time to get married, never mind raising a child Grin I hear what people say about the depth of love they feel for their children and how it's not possible to experience that until you have a child of your own, and perhaps they're right. But equally, I doubt most people have experienced the depth of awe and wonder I feel when I study particle physics, and that's definitely not for everyone either. No-one gets to experience every single thing in this world, that's literally impossible. But for most of us, hopefully, there's still a vast, varied and exciting selection to choose from, whether we end up having children or not.

RaeRaeMama · 05/04/2021 03:33

[quote Cavagirl]@ED81
Everything you say really resonates.
I'm late 30s and very happy with DP who is also on the fence although veering towards wanting to be childfree, either way happy to go with what I decide (pros and cons to that position!)

I don't know what's going to push me into a decision or whether time will run out and that will decide things - which is probably not a good outcome, it's something I want to reach a conclusion on (even if I decide yes and then we can't).

Things I'm slowly realising:
I've enjoyed feeling like I'm keeping my options open by not deciding - almost like I can visualise either future without feeling regret at having decided not to travel the other path. However that's now not helpful because either way it's a decision. As you have said, you're going to miss out on something whichever way you turn. It's a completely irreversible choice and a big one because your life will look totally different in each case. I'm completely mystified as to how people "just know" they want children or "have always known" they never wanted any. I've never felt any degree of certain about this which is why I find it so hard to fall down on either side of the fence.
I like kids. I like hanging out with friends' children (most of them) and chatting to them. I get a warm fuzzy feeling watching DP with friends' kids and think he'd be a great dad. I think we'd be good parents. I often watch how friends deal with their kids and think in my head "I wouldn't do it like that" and in some instances I think I'd do it better - of course insert hollow laugh here - but either way, I sometimes think that.
Being alone when old really worries me. My family is very small and I'm an only child. DP's family is large but of course I'm not blood. I can imagine a childfree future in old age where he's passed on and I've got no one. And I don't mean sometime to wipe my bum, it's more the feeling of still having family and a connection with someone still living, you are something still to someone - a mum, or a gran. The idea of being without real family and alone in old age frightens me. Frankly old age frightens me anyway though...
On the flip side - we are very happy. We have all the benefits and freedoms of childfree life. I don't think either of us would manage well with a child with additional needs. And I fear the strains on our relationship that a child would bring.

If I accidentally fell pregnant tomorrow I think I'd be scared but deep down really happy.

But actively making the decision to give up the life I know and love for the unknown is different.

So - I really don't know.

I follow the reddit fencesitters thread and someone on there posted recently - it feels like the choice is screw up the next 20 years of your life or screw up the last 20 years. While I don't fully agree with that I do understand the sentiment that it's a trade off and half the trade is bag of complete unknowns so how on earth are you supposed to evaluate which is best??

Let me know, if anyone figures it out.[/quote]
Reading your post sounds like you'd like children to me.

I used to agonise whether we should or shouldn't. I was never one of those people who always knew they did or they didn't, I didn't get that tbh.

Anyway, in the end I decided I should just have the one.

She's very beautiful and I don't regret my decision at all. She's 7 weeks and has been smiling at me loads since 5, in all my decision making I never once considered that she would love me back. But she really does, I can see it in her face, her eyes follow me around the room. Seeing her with my partner is really nice as well. She's a little chatter box and will happily sit in his arms and have a conversation (of sorts, he asks her questions and she responds... nobody has a clue what anybody is on about).

Every morning when she wakes up she give me this brilliant smile and it's not a bad way to begin a day even if you've been up in the night feeding her.

I'm also an only child and from a very small family. Yeah, I recommend having just the one.

gutful · 05/04/2021 03:52

38 & happily childfree here!

Value sleep, recharging & relaxation.

Parenting children is notoriously relentless & exhausting.

I love my nephews/small cousins but would most certainly not enjoy that aspect of parenting so have opted out.

Veterinari · 05/04/2021 08:00

Thank you @psychomath
Your post really resonated with me - especially this bit:
But mostly, for me, it's that there's already so much I want to do with my life, and I already know I won't have a chance to do it all before I die - I just don't have a spare few years to spend on sleep deprivation and changing nappies, let alone the next fifteen before they move out!

I've managed very well through the pandemic/lockdowns, but the one thing that I've really found frustrating is the lack of being able to do things and the feeling of time/opportunities slipping away.

I think for me too having children would be like this. I do not have a child-friendly lifestyle and it would mean an enormous shift in priorities and limiting of opportunities for me.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 05/04/2021 08:40

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Handsoffstrikesagain · 05/04/2021 08:42

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Handsoffstrikesagain · 05/04/2021 08:44

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JeanClaudeVanDammit · 05/04/2021 08:47

i think for me too having children would be like this. I do not have a child-friendly lifestyle and it would mean an enormous shift in priorities and limiting of opportunities for me.

This is a really important consideration I think. My pre-children lifestyle wasn’t really that different, except that obviously I had way more time to myself. My job didn’t involve travel or unsociable hours, we weren’t particularly big on travelling or clubbing or anything, and did spend quite a bit of time at home. Having a child made everything feel totally different but practically speaking, the only things that have really changed are available time and ability to do something spontaneously. We have 1 DC so (in normal times) can easily get a babysitter to go out for dinner or a drink like we used to. Holidays have changed a lot but we didn’t have many before anyway because we were stuck to school holidays due to DH job.

If I’d had to give up a very different lifestyle, which I enjoyed, I can easily feel that it could have made me very resentful.

ED81 · 05/04/2021 09:10

To be honest it’s not all about a child impacting a lifestyle that makes some folk not wish to do it. It has to be about that want, desire & a need to have a child. So many people have kids as it’s what is expected or they feel something is missing in life.

It you want something badly enough, most people make it work. It’ will be difficult but it’s not undoable. If you aren’t willing to do it then there is you answer.

Veterinari · 05/04/2021 09:10

@Handsoffstrikesagain

More importantly though vet how far did you get on LOD yesterday? Last nights episode was sooo good!
Grin I'm still on season 2 which I'm loving but it is ShockShockShock I find some of the violent scenes a bit tricky - I'm a real wuss! I'm giving myself a daily dose in the evenings when I'm home this week (I often have outdoor activities planned in the evenings but the weather is meant to turn this week so we'll see)
Autumnsun1985 · 05/04/2021 10:14

I do have children but had them late 30s after a few years of struggling. I also have a career which Is pretty demanding (and I have no choice but to work FT). Being a parent does by no means define me. I have not had some sort of personality transplant. I have not become less selfish or saint-like. I am still me. I try to balance everything the best I can and am trying to bring up happy and well adjusted children. It is hard work and I don’t have much time for myself but that’s the path I chose.
Early on in this thread a pp commented that she didn’t really friends who didn’t have children and that she had nothing in common/no conversation with them. I find this utterly bizarre. My friends are my friends, regardless of whether they have children or not.
I don’t think anything in life is guaranteed. Changing your life in such a major way is always going to be a risk. It’s whether you are able to accept those risks and go forward (presuming you are on the fence re having children).

SecretSpAD · 05/04/2021 10:26

Last nights episode was sooo good!

It's just getting better...love the way it is all coming together and connecting to the first series.

@Handsoffstrikesagain definitely could do without mushy chocolate at 8.15. I was up at the crack of dawn to help my blind diabetic dog out for a wee, then breakfast, insulin and a bit of attempting to train him to deal with being blind 🤦‍♀️. Rock and roll life here.

dayslikethese1 · 05/04/2021 12:18

Sometimes I feel like ppl expect childfree women to be big career women or have some wild lifestyle but I don't, I just like my life how it is. I like quiet and calm (and sleep). I have lots of friends who don't want kids either so I'm not really feeling any pressure. Some ppl think me a bit strange but I can cope with that Grin

SecretSpAD · 05/04/2021 13:08

@dayslikethese1 yes that's true. Or out partying and leading wild hedonistic lifestyles with tons of holidays each year. The truth is, everyone's life quietens down a bit when they have to factor in responsibilities like work and bills. I sometimes think that for a lot of people who had their children early, that they were living those sort of lifestyles and don't have the ability to understand that being in your 20's is a very different place to being in your 40's and 50's whether you had children or not.

There is a lot to be said for wanting a quiet life, a quiet home, an ordinary job and life, but one without the chaos children bring to it.

While I love having the teenagers we adopted around, I am still looking forward to them moving out and moving on with their lives.

Whatisbest · 05/04/2021 13:13

What a long thread!

Whatisbest · 05/04/2021 13:18

I have no idea what to do about having a baby. I am moving towards ‘not’ but like lots don’t want to regret not doing it.

I too am stuck and a fertility window probably closing due to age.

1sweatybetty · 05/04/2021 14:06

This thread is so interesting.

I have 2 children, whom I love. However, I never wanted children when I was younger and I think my decision to have them was very heavily influenced by my (large) family's attitude that I would eventually change my mind and would want them. It was sort of just assumed that I would have children.

I'd never give up my lovely girls, and if I had my time over again would still have children. I do wonder, though, if my attitude would be different if my family's expectations were different.

I tell both my girls often that they are not expected to have children. I wonder if they will choose a child free life.

psychomath · 05/04/2021 15:30

Thank you @Vetinari. The irony is that a lot of the things I like to do probably would be considered compatible with having children. I don't go on big adventures abroad (though I'd like to one day, and I like having the option), and I definitely don't have a high-powered career - so much the opposite that I couldn't afford kids at the moment even if I did want them. Most of my hobbies are things I can do at home or locally and there's nothing particularly un-child-friendly about them. It's hard to explain, but I guess I just get overwhelmed - in a good way - by the sheer intensity of how much I want to do things, and the amount of new stuff I want to try, that I'm acutely aware of the fact that my life is already finite. Barring ill health, I don't think I'd have any problem filling the next sixty years, if I'm lucky enough to live that long.

I'm trying to think of a good example - so, one thing I enjoy is ice skating. That's definitely something you can still do with children, once they're old enough and if they enjoy it, but the thing is I don't want to spend my time toddling round helping my child to balance - I want to have lessons and learn to skate backwards and to figure skate properly. And even that's something that would theoretically be possible to do with a child, if I was lucky enough that they were able-bodied and shared my interests, and if it was only skating. But it's not, there's so many other things I want too, and to keep doing them all with a child I'd have to either hardly be around for them or become some kind of tiger mom who dragged them constantly from one activity to another whether they enjoyed it or not. Neither of which sounds ideal!

It really resonated with me when someone (can't remember who) said something upthread about children filling a kind of existential void for some people. Before I had as many interests of my own and as much of a sense of purpose, I was quite a bit more on the fence. If you can't decide what you want to do with your life and you feel like everything's a bit pointless and one-dimensional, having children is almost like the ready-made default solution. And actually, I wouldn't criticise anyone for making the choice for that reason, provided they're a good parent - it's as valid as deriving meaning from anything else. I'd just like them to respect that it's not the only way.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 05/04/2021 15:39

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Handsoffstrikesagain · 05/04/2021 15:39

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