[quote Cavagirl]@ED81
Everything you say really resonates.
I'm late 30s and very happy with DP who is also on the fence although veering towards wanting to be childfree, either way happy to go with what I decide (pros and cons to that position!)
I don't know what's going to push me into a decision or whether time will run out and that will decide things - which is probably not a good outcome, it's something I want to reach a conclusion on (even if I decide yes and then we can't).
Things I'm slowly realising:
I've enjoyed feeling like I'm keeping my options open by not deciding - almost like I can visualise either future without feeling regret at having decided not to travel the other path. However that's now not helpful because either way it's a decision. As you have said, you're going to miss out on something whichever way you turn. It's a completely irreversible choice and a big one because your life will look totally different in each case. I'm completely mystified as to how people "just know" they want children or "have always known" they never wanted any. I've never felt any degree of certain about this which is why I find it so hard to fall down on either side of the fence.
I like kids. I like hanging out with friends' children (most of them) and chatting to them. I get a warm fuzzy feeling watching DP with friends' kids and think he'd be a great dad. I think we'd be good parents. I often watch how friends deal with their kids and think in my head "I wouldn't do it like that" and in some instances I think I'd do it better - of course insert hollow laugh here - but either way, I sometimes think that.
Being alone when old really worries me. My family is very small and I'm an only child. DP's family is large but of course I'm not blood. I can imagine a childfree future in old age where he's passed on and I've got no one. And I don't mean sometime to wipe my bum, it's more the feeling of still having family and a connection with someone still living, you are something still to someone - a mum, or a gran. The idea of being without real family and alone in old age frightens me. Frankly old age frightens me anyway though...
On the flip side - we are very happy. We have all the benefits and freedoms of childfree life. I don't think either of us would manage well with a child with additional needs. And I fear the strains on our relationship that a child would bring.
If I accidentally fell pregnant tomorrow I think I'd be scared but deep down really happy.
But actively making the decision to give up the life I know and love for the unknown is different.
So - I really don't know.
I follow the reddit fencesitters thread and someone on there posted recently - it feels like the choice is screw up the next 20 years of your life or screw up the last 20 years. While I don't fully agree with that I do understand the sentiment that it's a trade off and half the trade is bag of complete unknowns so how on earth are you supposed to evaluate which is best??
Let me know, if anyone figures it out.[/quote]
@Cavagirl. Sounds like we are in the exactly same boat! What a palaver it all is eh.
What is the answer?! Apparently we kinda should know. 