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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childfree life

951 replies

uka888 · 22/10/2020 18:32

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

OP posts:
Garlia · 04/04/2021 09:15

@Handsoffstrikesagain

Oh it is so so good and it only gets better. I’m sure you will love it. I do find it very strange how some people without children wonder what childfree people do with their spare time? As I said before, when my DC are with their DGPs I can’t get ready and out the door fast enough for a nice meal, cocktails, a few hours peace! Children should not be the be all and end all 24/7 otherwise as I said, you end up like my MIL - and trust me you really do not want that! X
LOD is officially the most compelling viewing! And deserves respect for having more acronyms than Mumsnet Grin
Onlinedilema · 04/04/2021 09:17

Interesting thread and good to hear all points of view. I'm not childfree I do have children although they are older now.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 04/04/2021 09:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ED81 · 04/04/2021 09:19

I joined this post due to its tile - childfree life. I believe it is what I will choose and like most people about things look for some reassurances and validation.

After this continuing thread I’m now here (ironically) crying like a baby. This is so very_ overwhelming. I now actually feel terrible and wrong for choosing this life.

I don’t want to have children as I don’t have that desire, the commitment to the hard work that goes with a child, the constant worry, the cost, arranging childcare, the lack of any free time, no more lay ins and protected time with my DH. And what if they end up having additional needs.....

However - it now seems outwith all the above that it is still worth it? That people are more fulfilled and joyous because of parenthood? It’s such a bloody gamble!!!

I thought I was set with my choice but now doubting myself which is sad. I should have the courage in my decision. Sad

Handsoffstrikesagain · 04/04/2021 09:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Veterinari · 04/04/2021 09:24

@ED81

I joined this post due to its tile - childfree life. I believe it is what I will choose and like most people about things look for some reassurances and validation.

After this continuing thread I’m now here (ironically) crying like a baby. This is so very_ overwhelming. I now actually feel terrible and wrong for choosing this life.

I don’t want to have children as I don’t have that desire, the commitment to the hard work that goes with a child, the constant worry, the cost, arranging childcare, the lack of any free time, no more lay ins and protected time with my DH. And what if they end up having additional needs.....

However - it now seems outwith all the above that it is still worth it? That people are more fulfilled and joyous because of parenthood? It’s such a bloody gamble!!!

I thought I was set with my choice but now doubting myself which is sad. I should have the courage in my decision. Sad

I'm not sure the majority of parents on thus thread come across as fulfilled and joyous....

But if you're genuinely crying at not having children then perhaps you should examine your reasonings and really dredge the on whether it's what you want

Oscaree · 04/04/2021 09:24

No - what I said was that there are risks in life with every single choice we make. There are women at the very start of this thread who have very clearly said they would like to have children, but are terrified it will wreck their bodies. End of. Quite frankly, I'm promoting nothing and couldn't care less what another woman does with her body as it's none of my business.

tedx · 04/04/2021 09:26

I wish I didn't have children. I love them dearly and would do anything for them but in hindsight I don't think it was the right thing for me.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 04/04/2021 09:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Veterinari · 04/04/2021 09:26

@Oscaree

No - what I said was that there are risks in life with every single choice we make. There are women at the very start of this thread who have very clearly said they would like to have children, but are terrified it will wreck their bodies. End of. Quite frankly, I'm promoting nothing and couldn't care less what another woman does with her body as it's none of my business.
That may have been what you intended and it's a reasonable consideration. It is however not what you said: Women who have never been pregnant are at much greater risk of female cancers than women who have, so please don't base your decision on becoming a parent on this one thing.
Veterinari · 04/04/2021 09:27

@tedx

I wish I didn't have children. I love them dearly and would do anything for them but in hindsight I don't think it was the right thing for me.
Thanks Hope you're ok
Meowchickameowmeow · 04/04/2021 09:28

I now actually feel terrible and wrong for choosing this life

In what way do you feel wrong? Fulfillment and joy can come from many things in life, if yours comes from things other than having children then that's perfectly fine.
I'm sure I've already commented on this thread or one very similar that I don't have and never wanted to have children, nothing about motherhood appealed to me personally. I find joy in simple, silly and some would say possibly immature things and that's ok. I do me and wouldn't let a few posts about the 'magic of motherhood' sway my choice.

SecretSpAD · 04/04/2021 09:30

Tbh I was shocked when I found out non parents with no intention of having kids come on here!

Why? You do realise that women who don't have children are still women don't you? That they can take part in a nice parking thread or a rant about neighbours doing DIY at 2am?

I know some of you like to think of them as an aberration - yes I know it hasn't been explicitly said, but by god it has been implied - but they are just like you....normal women, doing normal things, normal jobs, getting fed up with lockdown. They just chose not to have children or were not able to have children.

And this thread may have some use for some mothers of daughters who are at an age when they are deciding whether they want children or not. Or to understand daughters who do not want children. Support daughters who can't have children. After all, the women on here have a whole world of experiences that you don't have because you had children.

fioreun · 04/04/2021 09:30

@littlepieces

I would love to hear more from older women who are childfree by choice. I know a couple of women in their early 60s without kids and they have great lives. Both retired early and are heavily involved in great voluntary/community projects. Both have loads of friends, lovely homes and pre pandemic they were always travelling. I'm mid 30s and don't want kids. Financially it would be a struggle, and MH issues run in my family, I'm not passing that nonsense on. Seeing some of my friends totally burnt out by full time work plus childcare has been sobering. I do have nieces and nephews and enjoy their company.

On the issue of being alone when you're old, what a truly awful reason to have kids. I wouldn't expect my kids to take any responsibility for my happiness. The reality is that a lot of people see their elderly parents as a massive hassle, and who's to say your kids will still be around by then anyway? So many people settle miles away, countries away even, from where they grew up.

I plan to save and move to a nice retirement complex and make friends Grin. I think of it like uni halls but for older people... Going on family history, I will no doubt have lost my mind by the time I'm in my 80s so what difference will it make anyway?!

I'm old and childfree by choice. I love my life and the freedoms I have. I do work I love, and only need to work part time. I enjoy volunteering, sport, travel, study, and make my health a real priority, spending time on nutrition, sleep, movement etc. The only downside is losing friends who were insistent I was to be pitied and couldn't possibly be happy.

I'm very sad for those who wanted to have children and can't have them, that must be awful. I'm sorry if my post is offensive.

I really like Mumsnet for the intelligent, informed, humourous postings, and to gain insight into the lives of others, and to help with my work and volunteering with children and teenagers.

Garlia · 04/04/2021 09:35

@ED81

I joined this post due to its tile - childfree life. I believe it is what I will choose and like most people about things look for some reassurances and validation.

After this continuing thread I’m now here (ironically) crying like a baby. This is so very_ overwhelming. I now actually feel terrible and wrong for choosing this life.

I don’t want to have children as I don’t have that desire, the commitment to the hard work that goes with a child, the constant worry, the cost, arranging childcare, the lack of any free time, no more lay ins and protected time with my DH. And what if they end up having additional needs.....

However - it now seems outwith all the above that it is still worth it? That people are more fulfilled and joyous because of parenthood? It’s such a bloody gamble!!!

I thought I was set with my choice but now doubting myself which is sad. I should have the courage in my decision. Sad

There is absolutely no doubt that for many people, the sacrifices are worth it.

And for many others, it is not. Many parents have posted to say if they could have their time again, they would choose to not have their children.

It's completely individual, theres no inherent wrong or right, it's what's right for you.

SecretSpAD · 04/04/2021 09:36

But, as usual, this particular topic turns quite nasty

There's no reason for it to turn nasty. It only did because of some very bigoted parents who fail to understand that some people love different lives to them. You might like to reflect why that happens. Personally I think that those particular parents are not quite so happy with their choices as they are trying to convince us they are.

EmpressWitchDoesntBurn · 04/04/2021 09:36

Hugs ED81.

I really wouldn’t make a firm decision now, based on a few posts. I’d walk away from the thread & give it some time.

ED81 · 04/04/2021 09:38

@Handsoffstrikesagain. Ah, yeah that doesn’t sound fun.Shock And I meant fulfilled and joyous in the sense that people with kids seem to advocate that they are better beings because of it. If that makes sense.

@Meowchickameowmeow. Thank you for your kind reply. I just worry about any regret of not having kids. And the lonely older age thing has come up a lot in this thread. It terrifies me. But still can’t be a reason to bring a child into this world.

Ps. I’m usually a functioning human being that doesn’t usually get bogged down with Mumsnet. I think just I’ve taken it all to heart. Rookie mistake!

Garlia · 04/04/2021 09:40

@fioreun not at all offensive, I'm childfree by circumstance/infertility and part of coming to terms with it is focusing on the positives- my freedom, spontaneity, better financial position, great health, no sleep deprivation, no stress or worry, having time and energy to focus on my own fulfillment - it's also meant I've forged a fantastic relationship with my DH and I'm in such a happy marriage.

I do wonder if in 10 years I'll look back and actually be glad it's turned out this way, as other posters have said the same!

Handsoffstrikesagain · 04/04/2021 09:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Flowers24 · 04/04/2021 09:42

Yes I had no idea as thought just parents used the site , but as I said i.was wrong and I think it's great that loads of people use it , someone can be wrong can't they? I'm admitting that!!

SecretSpAD · 04/04/2021 09:44

@Veterinari I have to know....are you that rare person with the self control to just watch one episode of LOD at a time ShockConfused

Series 2 is the best. Like a pp said I wish I could erase my memory of it and binge watch it all again right now....

Handsoffstrikesagain · 04/04/2021 09:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

littlepieces · 04/04/2021 09:45

Pottering around in a little apartment with assorted animals sounds great to me!

Veterinari · 04/04/2021 09:46

@Handsoffstrikesagain

I know what you mean ed81. I don’t think I’m a better person for having children. You often find it’s a certain type of person posting nonsense like that and their posts are littered with heavy doses of irony x
Agreed. I think anyone who has to post all over the internet about what a wonderful person they now are (usually whilst criticising other people's lifestyles and demonstrating a breathtaking lack of self-awareness) probably isn't the wonder-Human they claim to be.

I'm pretty happy not having children, getting plenty of sleep/exercise/social time and not being a joyful, wise, unselfish, and 'humble' person Smile