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AIBU?

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Original poster

Childfree life

951 replies

uka888 · 22/10/2020 18:32

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

OP posts:
MinnieMous3 · 03/04/2021 19:29

@Garlia

It's beyond patronising when someone with kids posts to say how they 'understand' or someone posts to say we're all deprived, don't know what we're missing, are child haters, etc.

I didn’t say any of those things though did I?

The paraphrasing on here is getting beyond ridiculous it really is.

Veterinari · 03/04/2021 19:30

I quite clearly said the attitude of society is similar, not the feelings of the individuals.

Well I'd disagree with that too. But then what do I know about it - I'm not a parent, and what I'm learning from this thread is that some parents know much more about being childfree than the childfree people do 🤷‍♀️

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 03/04/2021 19:31

well I’m not being deliberately offensive. I think when you have one child, people are very ‘only child is a lonely child’ and see you as selfish for not ‘giving them a sibling’ which is the same attitude childless/childfree people face for not having children

It’s really, really not. I have one DC now and it’s worlds apart from how it was when we were married for years but not yet pregnant due to struggling to conceive. I certainly see negativity towards only children and their parents but it’s nowhere near the attitudes towards the childfree and childless.

MinnieMous3 · 03/04/2021 19:32

When OP started this thread it read like we were discussing the practical, day-to-day pros and cons of being childfree. Not emotional similarities between people who have a child and those who don’t.

Practically speaking, my life day-to-day is probably more like a childfree person than a mum with 7 kids. Emotionally it is nothing like a childfree person and probably more like the mum of 7.

That’s all I meant so please stop deliberately taking offence at things I haven’t said.

Veterinari · 03/04/2021 19:32

[quote MinnieMous3]@Garlia

It's beyond patronising when someone with kids posts to say how they 'understand' or someone posts to say we're all deprived, don't know what we're missing, are child haters, etc.

I didn’t say any of those things though did I?

The paraphrasing on here is getting beyond ridiculous it really is.[/quote]
Umm... she never said you did

Garlia · 03/04/2021 19:33

[quote MinnieMous3]@Garlia

It's beyond patronising when someone with kids posts to say how they 'understand' or someone posts to say we're all deprived, don't know what we're missing, are child haters, etc.

I didn’t say any of those things though did I?

The paraphrasing on here is getting beyond ridiculous it really is.[/quote]
You said you are both childfree and a parent, because you 'only' have one child.

I think you're confused. Hmm

MinnieMous3 · 03/04/2021 19:34

You said you are both childfree and a parent, because you 'only' have one child.

Do point out where I said that.

Veterinari · 03/04/2021 19:35

@MinnieMous3

When OP started this thread it read like we were discussing the practical, day-to-day pros and cons of being childfree. Not emotional similarities between people who have a child and those who don’t.

Practically speaking, my life day-to-day is probably more like a childfree person than a mum with 7 kids. Emotionally it is nothing like a childfree person and probably more like the mum of 7.

That’s all I meant so please stop deliberately taking offence at things I haven’t said.

Oh yeah. Those oh-so common families with 7 kids. Glad you aren't taking things to ridiculous extremes...

Also, the thread was started in October. It's moved on a bit. Just not to the point where folk with children are considered childfree.

MinnieMous3 · 03/04/2021 19:38

@Veterinari you are being deliberately nasty, obtuse and snide now.

Veterinari · 03/04/2021 19:38

@MinnieMous3

You said you are both childfree and a parent, because you 'only' have one child.

Do point out where I said that.

I think your exact phrase was 'a foot in both camps' I.e. both childfree and a parent. Or were you talking about some other camps?
Veterinari · 03/04/2021 19:39

[quote MinnieMous3]@Veterinari you are being deliberately nasty, obtuse and snide now.[/quote]
What have I said that is vastly? I'm simply pointing out the flaws in your arrogance.

You're the one name calling. That's not nice

Veterinari · 03/04/2021 19:39

Oops! *nasty

SweetPetrichor · 03/04/2021 19:40

We’re in our early 30s and child free by choice. I like my freedom. I’ve never wanted children. It’s perfect.

Libraryghost · 03/04/2021 19:40

@Volcanicorange

I agree with the poster who made the link between not wanting kids and not wanting pets.

I've got 2 kids (and an amazing career, nice holidays etc!) who I always wanted.

But the thought of getting a pet fills me with horror. The house stinking of dog (and ALL houses with dogs in do!) and having to walk it and pay 1000s when it develops arthritis?

Or cat hair everywhere and a cat's anus touching all available surfaces?

I get that some people love pets, each to their own, but I would NEVER do it and find people's cheerful acceptance of dog stench unfathomable. So if people who don't want kids feel this way about children, I completely get it.

Better a cats anus than a kids snot and shitty arse everywhere. At least a cat cleans their bum..
MinnieMous3 · 03/04/2021 19:41

I meant in terms of how society sees me - as a parent, but with a bit of the stigma that childfree/childless people face. Honestly this is why these threads never go well - people absolutely determined to take offence even when they know none was meant. It’s getting beyond a joke on here.

Veterinari · 03/04/2021 19:42

Better a cats anus than a kids snot and shitty arse everywhere. At least a cat cleans their bum..

With their tongue Grin
Lick lick lick Grin
(Disclaimer I have cats)

SecretSpAD · 03/04/2021 19:42

Yes but then that would deprive people of the potential joy that is motherhood/parenthood

You got lucky that's all. You got pregnant and realised you enjoyed parenthood. I'm genuinely happy for you.

However....

There are women (and men) who really, really want children, believe all the crap about technicolour moments (were you that mad poster too?) and find that they don't like it.

There are women who get pregnant accidentally and think what the hell, everyone says I'll enjoy it and unconditional love, snuggles and all that jazz. And find they hate it.

Now where does that leave those parents and, more importantly, the child?

I'll tell you....children know when they are not wanted. It affects every aspect of their life forever. There is no feeling quite as bad as the knowledge that your mother (as it was in my case) didn't really want you and only had you because it was the done thing and she was lead to believe it was different with your own, you'll feel unconditional love blah blah blah.

Frankly she shouldn't have bothered.

If more people put as much thought into having children as childfree people have put into not having them, then there would be fewer crap,parents in the world.

Oh and being the parent of an only child is still being a parent.

79andnotout · 03/04/2021 19:43

I'm childfree not by choice in my early forties, and I'm happy with how things have turned out. It was a bit shit for a few years when I lost lots of my friends to the baby vortex but they resurfaced when the kids started school and they had energy again.

I don't feel like anything is particularly missing in my life. My relationship is good, he was never massively bothered about having kids anyway. We have loads of hobbies; are godparents, have nieces and nephews. We have lots of friends and don't worry about being lonely later in life.

It's nice having no money worries and being able to take more career risks and lower paid work if we fancy a career change.

I think it helps I've never resented anyone their fertility or life choices and can see the pros and cons to both paths. Thankfully I've never faced much grief from anyone about being childfree.

Fleahopper · 03/04/2021 19:43

I hear you Minnie. OP was wondering out loud about being child free. You came up with a compromise. Seems reasonable to me. Thread's gone mad.

Veterinari · 03/04/2021 19:45

@MinnieMous3

I meant in terms of how society sees me - as a parent, but with a bit of the stigma that childfree/childless people face. Honestly this is why these threads never go well - people absolutely determined to take offence even when they know none was meant. It’s getting beyond a joke on here.
Pointing out the flaws in your position is not 'taking offence'

Trying to claim the lived experiences of a group of people as your own when you don't have that same experience, is frankly weird.
Arguing that those people are wrong when they point out that your different experience is actually not the same as theirs is even weirder.

AndromedaGal · 03/04/2021 19:46

I could have been childfree but I fell pregnant unexpectedly. It was a massive shock, in fact the pregnancy was ok but certainly took some getting used to. Then I had another one 4 yrs later & I look back now & wonder what the hell I did with my time/money/purpose. I am 38 & I don’t want any more but I’m so happy that I did. I can only speak for myself but I think as you get older it gives lively meaning to your life to have children/family/grandchildren. I think I was very selfish and me-centric beforehand, it’s definitely grown me up; I’m wiser, more focussed on who & what I give my energy to, & I have a deep sense of calm/peace that I didn’t possess before.

Veterinari · 03/04/2021 19:47

@Fleahopper

I hear you Minnie. OP was wondering out loud about being child free. You came up with a compromise. Seems reasonable to me. Thread's gone mad.
A compromise? Was she half pregnant? Had half a child? Either you're a parent or you aren't.

It's not really something you can compromise on

MinnieMous3 · 03/04/2021 19:47

@Veterinari Trying to claim the lived experiences of a group of people as your own when you don't have that same experience, is frankly weird.

Oh get lost.

sammylady37 · 03/04/2021 19:49

@Fleahopper

I hear you Minnie. OP was wondering out loud about being child free. You came up with a compromise. Seems reasonable to me. Thread's gone mad.
What? Having one child is not a compromise between being a parent and being childfree. It’s being a parent.
Veterinari · 03/04/2021 19:49

[quote MinnieMous3]**@Veterinari* Trying to claim the lived experiences of a group of people as your own when you don't have that same experience, is frankly weird.*

Oh get lost.[/quote]
Have you ever considered having children?
I hear it gives you a deep sense of calm/peace

That might be helpful Wink