Childfree life

[uka888]

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

@Itsalonghaul

Yes but then that would deprive people of the potential joy that is motherhood/parenthood. I am not sure 'putting people off' is a good idea - better to be honest about the challenges and the wonder, and let them choose no?

Too many people seem to have an agenda on this. Started with trying to deter teenage pregnancies I guess, but went too far in my experience.

I understand you didn't have a great time, it sounds really hard, and you sounded unprepared for much of it. I was over prepared for hardship and found the negativity too much, and really misleading. Just different ends of the spectrum of expectations I guess?!

It bothers me some people are put off by a really horrible narrative. It is a shame.

If someone really wants children they won't be put off by a thread on the internet. If they are then that's probably for the best.

The fact that you describe those of us that are childfree as 'deprived' says everything about your agenda.

You are being very judgemental of any opinions that don't match your own - regardless of whether they're from people who have struggled with parenthood or from people who are childfree.

It's probably news to you, but it is ok for not everyone to agree with your perspective. You don't have to keep arguing.

i am not sure 'putting people off' is a good idea - better to be honest about the challenges and the wonder, and let them choose no?

Yet when someone did post about the challenges she experiences your response was to say “not nice at all”

Honesty is probably the way forward, and let people decide for themselves.

So let people who have had a negative experience talk about it without silencing them and judging them as you have done, it works both ways.

It's quite frustrating that this thread has been derailed so much, it could have been helpful and supportive to the OP and others.

Honesty is probably the way forward, and let people decide for themselves.

And yet you've copied and pasted honest experiences of parenthood below so that you can sneer at them as examples of the anti child sentiment in this thread.

So clearly you only support honestly when it fits your narrative.

@Athinginitself

It's quite frustrating that this thread has been derailed so much, it could have been helpful and supportive to the OP and others.

Agreed. I love being childfree.

I an a brilliant Aunty but I like handing them back. The daily drudgery of parenthood and repetitiveness of life with a small child would be tedious and exhausting for me.
I've seen the joys of child rearing by proxy and it's nice but such a massive commitment. It's just not something I want.

Plus I like the spontaneity of being able to go away/do things at the drop of a hat without being limited by childcare/school holidays.

I know couples that are childfree but not by choice. For them, what has worked is focussing on their relationships (they're some of the strongest marriages I know) spending time with wider friends/family and ensuring they have really rewarding careers/hobbies.

35, childfree and intending to remain that way, genuinely delighted for my friends having children and the kids are all lovely but just isn't for me, I struggle to fit all my priorities into life as it is and just can't imagine sacrificing it all to have kids when there's no need to do so.

The thing is, someone’s ‘wonder’ is another person’s nightmare, and vice versa. What fulfills and brings joy to one individual isn’t going to do the same for someone else. You can be deprived by not having children, but equally children and the responsibility of children can itself be deprivation.

Someone who wants to be childfree can become pregnant and decide to continue, and be happy with that choice. Another childfree person can find themselves in the same situation and have an abortion, and be equally as happy with that. There’s no right or wrong here, just what’s right for the individual.

@Garlia well I’m not being deliberately offensive. I think when you have one child, people are very ‘only child is a lonely child’ and see you as selfish for not ‘giving them a sibling’ which is the same attitude childless/childfree people face for not having children.

Itsalonghaul, you seem to be pushing your particular narrative very hard, to the extent that it’s actually ringing a bit false tbh.

So what if people, parents and childfree alike, talk negatively about having children? Just as you’re allowed to share your apparent joy, they’re allowed to share their own experience too.

[quote MinnieMous3]@Garlia well I’m not being deliberately offensive. I think when you have one child, people are very ‘only child is a lonely child’ and see you as selfish for not ‘giving them a sibling’ which is the same attitude childless/childfree people face for not having children.[/quote]
No it isn't.
Yes you've experienced some judgement but please don't align your experience with the pain of being childless when you desperately want to conceive. It is offensive.

If you can't actually see how those situations are different then I'm not sure there's a simple way of explaining it to you.

I was sort of ambivalent about having children. I didn't desperately want them but at times I thought it would be pretty wonderful to be a mum. I like children and I'm pretty good with them. Anyway, pregnant three times, very early miscarriages each time, the last in my forties. I was sad but not heartbroken. Oh, and none of them were planned pregnancies.

Fast forward to my fifties and I'm pretty much just fine with it. It didn't happen and that's just the way life is. I'm also aware that much as I like children I also like giving them back to their parents and getting on with my life away from them. There are lots of things that aren't so great about my life but none of them connected to me not having children and in fact, things would probably be far more difficult if I did have children.

[quote MinnieMous3]@Garlia well I’m not being deliberately offensive. I think when you have one child, people are very ‘only child is a lonely child’ and see you as selfish for not ‘giving them a sibling’ which is the same attitude childless/childfree people face for not having children.[/quote]
It's not even remotely the same.

[quote MinnieMous3]@Garlia well I’m not being deliberately offensive. I think when you have one child, people are very ‘only child is a lonely child’ and see you as selfish for not ‘giving them a sibling’ which is the same attitude childless/childfree people face for not having children.[/quote]
Actually this is no self-centred.
@MinnieMous3 please explain how you 'only will be lonely' judgement experience is the same as the monthly heartbreak of knowing TTC has failed, of the expense and mood swings and medicalisation of IVF, if the emotional devastation of miscarriage?

That's the reality of the childless couple that I know. Please tell me how it's similar to your experience as a parent?

Everyone I know has had children now, bar none, and I can't really imagine having much in common with someone with no experience of having children, nor what we would talk about for long periods.

Jeez, there are other things to talk about apart from children! How about:
UK politics
Local community and local politics
World affairs
Philosophy
Travel
History
Food and cooking
Music
Film and theatre
Literature
Sport
Psychology
Language and linguistics
The environment
Feminism and women's rights
Racism
TV programmes
Architecture
Charity work and volunteering
Technological advancements
Etc., etc., etc.

But no, far more interesting to talk about potty training and carry cots.

Not only do children bring great company and life and colour into your life, but they also make people less selfish and less self absorbed.

So unselfish and unself-absorbed, in fact, that all you apparently want to talk about is your children (and, by extension, yourself).

You learn to compromise, take a back seat and put others first sometimes.

So long as they're your progeny.

Haven't RTFT but I just started TTC at 34 after my whole life spent on the fence.

I thought long and hard and just feel life could do with a change I would something/someone to live and invest in helping grow into adulthood.

Don't know if I've made the right choice but we will soon find out!!

I think life could get very dull it just being me I think kids are a lovely part of life to invest time and energy into and I guess not doing it I'd feel like I'd missed a major part of life.

please don't align your experience with the pain of being childless when you desperately want to conceive. It is offensive.

I’m not. This thread is about the positives/negatives of childfree life. It’s like talking about the pros and cons of retirement and me saying I work part time. Im not childfree but I have less children than most which allows me to live a little like both groups.

I think this thread has lost its way somewhat...?

Childfree life. I personally was kinda looking for some reassurances about this.

@MinnieMous3

please don't align your experience with the pain of being childless when you desperately want to conceive. It is offensive.

I’m not. This thread is about the positives/negatives of childfree life. It’s like talking about the pros and cons of retirement and me saying I work part time. Im not childfree but I have less children than most which allows me to live a little like both groups.

see you as selfish for not ‘giving them a sibling’ which is the same attitude childless/childfree people face for not having children

Well you literally just did. And you also ignored all of my previous questions. Why is that?

Also as has been pointed out by several numerous childless/childfree posters in thus thread - your experience as a PARENT is not the same as being childless or childfree.

It would be nice if you could stop telling us all that you know what we think better than we do. You don't.

@ED81

I think this thread has lost its way somewhat...?

Childfree life. I personally was kinda looking for some reassurances about this.

Which I’m more than happy to provide, but these threads always go like this I’m afraid.

[quote MinnieMous3]@Garlia well I’m not being deliberately offensive. I think when you have one child, people are very ‘only child is a lonely child’ and see you as selfish for not ‘giving them a sibling’ which is the same attitude childless/childfree people face for not having children.[/quote]
Just to be clear, how unbelievably ridiculous that comparison is.

I'm very sorry you've experienced negativity because you decided to have one child and not more. But we're not talking about judgement of others.

I couldn't give a toss about judgement or negativity about me being childless. It's no one else's business. What does hurt however is not being able to live a life I envisioned, never having the chance to experience being a parent, the rollercoaster of hope/investigations, failed surgeries, never having the 'family' I yearned for. Even if it probably was an unrealistic Disney family unit I had in my mind!

Will I live a happy, fulfilling life without kids? Absolutely. I have a fantastic DH, incredible friends, lots of hobbies and I'm really content. I love being spontaneous and pleasing myself. Being a parent means a 24/7 role of responsibility and I've seen friends exhausted, financially drained and doubting their decisions.

A lot of this thread has been a huge help and comfort to me, it's reassuring that others can point out the fantastic positives to not being responsible for a mini-them.

It's beyond patronising when someone with kids posts to say how they 'understand' or someone posts to say we're all deprived, don't know what we're missing, are child haters, etc.

@Veterinari

It’s no wonder threads like this end up an unproductive bun fight when everyone is determined to see the worst in everyone else’s posts, paraphrases what they wrote and take offence where clearly none is intended.

I quite clearly said the attitude of society is similar, not the feelings of the individuals.

But yeah you just make shit up that I never said 🙄

It’s like talking about the pros and cons of retirement and me saying I work part time.

For some people on this thread it's like being fired and destitute and you saying you know what that's like because you work part time. You're a parent - you have no idea what the lived experience of being childless/childfree for life is

Come on people. This is a discussion forum. @minniemous3 felt she had something to contribute. It wasn't set out to be an infertility thread either but it's got derailed into that a bit as well.

I am childfree. Not exactly by choice, it just never happened and I can’t have been particularly bothered because I never did anything about it. There are definite perks. Your money is yours, your house is tidy, you can go where you want when you want. Downsides are people think they have a right to question you about it, some people think you are a bit odd or selfish, you tend to feel horribly left out when you are in a room with other mums. I don’t worry about old age because I have worked in a old people home and seen first hand how many adult offspring don’t give a shit and concerned only about costs and ‘their inheritance’ I am on mumsnet because I do tend to think mums give good advice!