Childfree life

[uka888]

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

@ThePriceIsNotRight. I agree with that sentiment too.

@LadyOfLittleLeisure. Yeah, I’ve researched a lot about various conditions and as I’m 40 very soon it does increase for everything.

Like you say, you had a very strong desire to have children. I’ve not had that so it is important to listen to that.

@thepeopleversuswork

GoldfishParade

"When you dont have kids, you really have to reflect on what your life is about (if you're that why inclined). If you have kids you kind of get to cop out of that reflection: "my kids are my life!"."

This is true and quite depressing. I always think that's a bit of a sign of someone without much else to think/talk about.

Obviously your kids should be the most important element of your life and you should put them first but if you have no life beyond your kids you're setting yourself up for misery once they move out. Depending to that degree on another human being for validation or a sense of self-worth isn't healthy.

I think this is a really interesting point. I had very bad depression from the age of 12 (back when no-one discussed mental health) - and every day for decades, I’d wake up and wonder what the point of it all was. Every day was a struggle to keep going because I didn’t know why I was bothering.

Then at 40 I found my ‘purpose’. I changed career and found something that fulfills me, makes me proud of myself, and introduced me to most of my closest friends. It also means I’ll leave a legacy behind when I’m gone. Every day I feel lucky and grateful for this.

I don’t think I’d have found this if I’d had children. Can’t say for sure, but my mental and physical health problems mean I’d have struggled to do both, and one would have suffered. I sometimes think I’d have resented my children, and that would have been dreadful.

I didn’t have children in my 20s or 30s because I never met anyone I could trust to have children with. But in my late 40s, I’m very very happy that things worked out this way. I do worry about being alone later in life, especially if I need care, but I spend a lot of time and energy on friendships and I hope these will see me through. As PPs have said, even if you have a child or a partner, there’s no guarantee you won’t be alone.

My brother had children in his 40s and I’ve seen how much joy they bring him. I also see - and he says himself - that he misses the life they had before the kids. I love my nieces and I can’t wait to see how they develop and what kind of people they become, but I don’t have the energy or the stamina or the resilience to do what parents do, day in and day out.

My life is books, work, friends, cats and hobbies. I can make it how I want without having to worry about how it affects anyone else.

Oh, NeilBuchanan, that poster is legend for being unbelievably smug. So much for being a better person for being a parent. My hamster has a higher EQ.

@NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace

Children enhance your life if you’re cut out to be a parent, have the resources and are prepared for the sacrifices you have to make to raise them.

Quite true. For me:

No
Yes
No

in that order .... so I didn't bother

I think this is a helpful way to look at it. Unless you can say yes all three, I’d guess you’re probably going to struggle.

For me:

• don’t know
• no
• no

@NewPapaGuinea

No matter how non-paternal you think you are, the instant your child is born its like a switch has been flicked. Suddenly your whole perspective in life changes. Whether that is a biological response or not I don’t know, but I went from being very happy at not having children because of all the reasons stated here to it being the best journey.

And yet, on the Relationship board, the ones who had no such switch are legion, and that's not even including the Step Parenting board. Hundreds if not more, who father children by multiple women and give nary a fuck.

I have about a dozen close childfree by choice friends, we're now all in our 50s. Not a one regrets it.

Childfree by choice.

Thanks for everyone’s responses. I’m really enjoying reading them all.

Childfree not by choice here. There are benefits although a lot of them are offset by the health problems that meant I couldn't have children, so ++socialising, spontaneity, having more money and travel arent features in my life. Right now its really tough, I'm 40, most of my friends have young kids and are very in that world, I feel very different, my life is very out of sync with theirs and I feel very unnecessary generally.
I'm an introvert so really appreciate having a lot of time to myself, not having the stresses of parenting but right now its painful and I feel am stuck in a perpetual grief bubble, I'm hoping as time passes it will get easier, who knows!

I have to admit, I just don’t like children very much. I quite like babies and toddlers, but when they get to that stage from about seven when they’re little uber-consumers who know everything under the sun I’m afraid I generally find them quite tedious. Also, one of the reasons I didn’t want them was the sinking feeling I had every time I imagined re-immersing myself in the world of childhood. I don’t want to live in a house full of plastic tat, or have to listen to Baby Shark on a loop, or set foot in a soft play centre (ever). And correspondingly, I’ve noticed that the thing you always hear about friendships with parents being hard work for a few years when their kids are tiny, but then getting easier, hasn’t been the case for me. I didn’t mind too much when every coffee or lunch was punctuated by a toddler tantrum. I struggle now when there’s no proper conversation because a child is being encouraged to hold forth at great length about how they’re going to save the planet, and you can’t say anything in front of them because it will be stored up and repeated. I’m firmly of the opinion that the best thing you can do if you don’t want children is find as many friends as you can who feel the same way.

@Athinginitself. I’m sorry to hear that this is the situation you are in. I feel for those who wanted children but couldn’t (for whatever reason that may be. I hope this feeling eases over time.

Childfree by choice. I knew by age 9 I didn't want children, and never changed my mind. Had the odd moment - usually in the first flush of a new relationship - where I considered it but never for long or seriously. I've had two terminations, the last one when I was happily married and haven't regretted either for a second.

My childhood was stressful and rubbish as neither of my parents had actually wanted children (ended up with 3 as my mother is Catholic) and as we got older they both bitterly resented the constraints parenthood imposed on them, and made that very obvious to us.

My two brothers haven't had children either, and we are all over 50 now so I think that ship has definitely sailed. My mother still can't understand why she has no grandchildren...

I'm childless rather than child-free, and single for over 15 years. Pretty terrified about the future.

I volunteer with older people and when we have been checking over lockdown that they are managing ok the answer is almost invariably "Oh yes, my son/daughter visits me every other day and gets all my shopping for me."

My main social contact (by phone) during lockdown has been my parents.

The future looks pretty fucking grim, frankly.

The irony of this post (from @Itsalonghaul ) is remarkable - it is a wholly selfish and self absorbed POV yet the poster seems to think becoming a parent has made them less self absorbed!*

Absolutely, not to mention the idea that you’d have children so you’d have something in common with other people and therefore something about which to converse

And to the poster who said, in as many words, that love is automatic, no it isn’t. I know of several women who openly said that they never loved their child and deeply regretted having them. And not just in the Difficult Toddler stage but that was always how they felt. But of course, the fairytale myth of instinctive maternal love continues to be perpetuated, with not one thought to how that must make women feel who don’t fall into that category.

I volunteer with older people and when we have been checking over lockdown that they are managing ok the answer is almost invariably "Oh yes, my son/daughter visits me every other day and gets all my shopping for me."

You only have to take the briefest look at the Relationships Board here to understand the not-insignificant number of people whose children are low or no contact with them. Then there are those whose children live overseas or, God forbid, die before them or are disabled in some way.

None of those people will have children to look after them when they’re old, and TBH I don’t think people should have children for that reason - being made to feel that your very existence creates an obligation on you, no matter what you want from life or how you feel about the other person? No thanks. Children are not an old age insurance policy.

I'm place marking for reading later. I'm early 50's. I didn't grow up wanting children, was never broody, then suddenly late 30's it was like getting hit by a bus. I tried but miscarried and after the emotional hiatus of that time (the whole process took about 1.5 - 2 years) I'm gladly childree. I also think if I hadn't gone through that horrific process I couldn't be so confident about my choice now. I could have tried further, could have tried IVF, could've looked into adoption, but I learned that 1) this was largely my biology screaming and 2) my ideas about "children" and "family" were fantasy and I was not up for the reality. I'm now approaching a comfortable early retirement, I get to live happily and angst free. I think it's sad that i'll likely be alone on my death bed, but that's not a good reason to have brought life in to the world!

I'll be curious to read other's experiences. I know sometimes posters say "why are you on mumsnet if you don't have children?". It's certainly the case that my journey brought me here, but I don't know any other place that talks about such a broad range of stuff. Including this!

Childfree at 32, though we do plan to have one child.

The vast majority of our friends cracked on with having children several years ago, and there's a prevailing sense that people think:

• we want to be child free forever
• we're having problems conceiving

The idea that we're simply enjoying ourselves doesn't seem to compute.

I don't really expect people without children to understand what I mean about not everything being about me/us and my/our needs, but by definition children do need so much love and sacrifice.

In terms of finding things in common, I found I lost most of my single childfree friends when I had my first child they just did not understand I could not go out in the evenings as I was breastfeeding, or on holiday as I didn't want to leave my babies and we just drifted. I would often get the impression they resented the babies, and just wanted me to get shot of them. Motherhood is not an opt out, and I didn't want to leave them in the early years. We were having completely different lives, and those differences became wider as the years went by. I am just being honest about that. Had they adored babies and enjoyed being with us, then maybe it would have lasted but they didn't, and nor should they have to pretend. I was too tired to go out for dinners in the evening, too exhausted even to call in the baby days. There was no time.

Now most of my friends have children of their own, we all in the same boat and it is easier.

I can't run off a list of negatives, as I suspect many pp would prefer, because for me at least there were none to have dc, but I know parenting doesn't suit everyone. It is up to you, and there is no need to justify your choices. We only have one life, and we need to make the most of it.

You sound very bitter brightyellow and there is not much I can say. Of course there are a tiny minority that do not love their children, but it is rare. Most people speak of their unconditional love for their dc. Toddler stage far from difficult was one of my absolutely favourite times, they are amazing, delicious and so sweet at that age.
You talk about motherhood like it is a curse, and that narrative does not fit in with my lived experience, as a woman that was not maternal or broody. Having a baby is the most intense feeling of love in the world and one that smashes everything out of the park, and I would say that happens to most healthy people, so I don't know really what your point is.

@thecatsthecats

Childfree at 32, though we do plan to have one child.

The vast majority of our friends cracked on with having children several years ago, and there's a prevailing sense that people think:

• we want to be child free forever
• we're having problems conceiving

The idea that we're simply enjoying ourselves doesn't seem to compute.

I'm not trying to be rude, but to me and many others, childfree means never having or wanting to have children. Not simply that you haven't had them yet.

The way I see it, many people are ambivalent about having children, or unsure, or just waiting for the right time, but that's not the same as being childfree.

Sorry, but it's a bit of a bugbear - when people declare themselves 'childfree' and end up having children after all, it's often used as an example of the inevitability that we will change our minds also.

@TimeIhadaNameChange unfortunately I don't think a donor is the right way to go for me. As I have MS. And I feel it would be very difficult to be a single parent with that. Although I'm ok now. I would t want a child having to care for me. I also work long shifts and would ha e little support in terms of childcare etc as well.

@Itsalonghaul

You sound very bitter brightyellow and there is not much I can say. Of course there are a tiny minority that do not love their children, but it is rare. Most people speak of their unconditional love for their dc. Toddler stage far from difficult was one of my absolutely favourite times, they are amazing, delicious and so sweet at that age. You talk about motherhood like it is a curse, and that narrative does not fit in with my lived experience, as a woman that was not maternal or broody. Having a baby is the most intense feeling of love in the world and one that smashes everything out of the park, and I would say that happens to most healthy people, so I don't know really what your point is.

Good for you

Interesting that you're so comfortable with your choices you felt the need to post about your 'wonderful' experience of motherhood on a thread clearly titled 'childfree' and label posters actually discussing their childfree experience as 'bitter'

It certainly seems that having children hadn't made you very tolerant of other people's lifestyle choices or opinions. Or very nice.

Are planning on heading over to the doghouse to tell them about how amazing cat ownership is (or vice versus)?

@Itsalonghaul

I don't really expect people without children to understand what I mean about not everything being about me/us and my/our needs, but by definition children do need so much love and sacrifice.

In terms of finding things in common, I found I lost most of my single childfree friends when I had my first child they just did not understand I could not go out in the evenings as I was breastfeeding, or on holiday as I didn't want to leave my babies and we just drifted. I would often get the impression they resented the babies, and just wanted me to get shot of them. Motherhood is not an opt out, and I didn't want to leave them in the early years. We were having completely different lives, and those differences became wider as the years went by. I am just being honest about that. Had they adored babies and enjoyed being with us, then maybe it would have lasted but they didn't, and nor should they have to pretend. I was too tired to go out for dinners in the evening, too exhausted even to call in the baby days. There was no time.

Now most of my friends have children of their own, we all in the same boat and it is easier.

I can't run off a list of negatives, as I suspect many pp would prefer, because for me at least there were none to have dc, but I know parenting doesn't suit everyone. It is up to you, and there is no need to justify your choices. We only have one life, and we need to make the most of it.

What a load of twaddle. I have friends with children and friends without. Being the child free one does not change our friendship and I'm happy that they don't see friendship like you.

What a load of twaddle. I have friends with children and friends without. Being the child free one does not change our friendship and I'm happy that they don't see friendship like you.

Presumably you aren't like the people the OP was describing though.

Just tell Its you will soon be going abroad and watch her explode. So much for the nicey nice act. 😂😂😂