Childfree life

[uka888]

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

Whilst I am now busy supporting teens, what would I be doing otherwise?

Oh - work? Socialising? Volunteering? Hobbies? The usual day-to-day jobs that everyone has to fit in?

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn the more that post gets pulled apart the more I'm hoping the PP was being satirical...

@Itsalonghaul

I considered a child free life for a very long time, and had pretty much decided on that for my future. In the end I changed my mind, dh really wanted a child particularly, I remained unconvinced that it was a really good choice for me until my baby was six months old. I loved her from the minute she was born, but it was shock to our lives and the adjustment that followed took some time to get used to.

However roll on sixteen years and more dc, I now realise how lonely, one dimensional and empty my life would have been if I had simply stayed with the dogs and animals as I had planned to.

Everyone I know has had children now, bar none, and I can't really imagine having much in common with someone with no experience of having children, nor what we would talk about for long periods. The experience of having babies is so profound, it is something I share with good friends, and something we talk about a lot. It is quite bonding.

Now that I have older children, lots of friends work long hours and have big families and not many of us have much free time, I am not even sure what I would do with my time. I can imagine feeling very isolated at this point, and beyond. Whilst I am now busy supporting teens, what would I be doing otherwise? They are great company, endlessly enjoyable from tots to teens and I am not reliant on an external set of friends or others for fulfilment, although I do have many friends. I like the self sufficiency of our family unit, and the security and comfort it brings all of us.
As my dc grow older and into adulthood, and grandchildren arrive it will bring me great pleasure as an older person to see them grow, and a real privilege to enjoy those moments.

Not only do children bring great company and life and colour into your life, but they also make people less selfish and less self absorbed. You learn to compromise, take a back seat and put others first sometimes.

I am a better person for being a mother, and I never expected to be a mother or a better person. I am wiser, more loving and life feels more precious with children and babies.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

Just wow!!!!

@LadyOfLittleLeisure. Thanks for your reply. I hope I don’t sound like a dickhead for saying I couldn’t cope with a child with additional needs. You sound like you are doing a great but very hard job with you own DC. And I bet the local community are so thankful for the work you put in with the group.

Yeah, that’s the thing with certain conditions - they aren’t always detectable in the womb.

Is the risk worth it when I don’t have the pulling desire that many woman speak about? My DH also isn’t keen but happy to go with what I wish.

I don’t know anyone child free by choice. Those that are currently child free are desperate for a baby.

@drpet49. I really feel for those people but I know people who are childfree by choice. Very much so.

@drpet49

I don’t know anyone child free by choice. Those that are currently child free are desperate for a baby.

Then you obviously don't know me or several of my friends.

Child free here - not through conscious choice, medical issues confirmed, when early 30s, that it definitely wasn’t a path for me.

99% of the time I’m at peace with this; have a great life, a fab DH, challenging and rewarding career etc., etc. BUT when very close friends have babies, it makes my heart ache for what could have been and the fact that I will never feel the unique, all consuming love I see in their faces, never experience the bond they have with their babies.

It is what it is and I don’t dwell on it but it’s a very real, quite visceral feeling of regret when it does wash over.

Is the risk worth it when I don’t have the pulling desire that many woman speak about? My DH also isn’t keen but happy to go with what I wish.

I think the question is, what happens if you have a baby & then realise that neither of you really want to be parents?

@MonkeysandParrots

Child free here - not through conscious choice, medical issues confirmed, when early 30s, that it definitely wasn’t a path for me.

99% of the time I’m at peace with this; have a great life, a fab DH, challenging and rewarding career etc., etc. BUT when very close friends have babies, it makes my heart ache for what could have been and the fact that I will never feel the unique, all consuming love I see in their faces, never experience the bond they have with their babies.

It is what it is and I don’t dwell on it but it’s a very real, quite visceral feeling of regret when it does wash over.

Same here knew from late 30 that it would be a miracle if I ever got pregnant. It does get better once you are past childbearing age and your friends are no longer having children. It’s like having a healed scar that 99% of the time you don’t notice is there, but it does very occasionally ache or itch.

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn. Absolutely, risk doing it and hating it? Or risk not doing it and regret it? Either is a loss i suppose.

And what is worse?!

I'll be 37 this year, and I'm pretty certain that I don't want children - have never felt the urge. I don't really have a specific 'reason' as such, just something I know in my heart...I suppose the same way that other people just know that they really want them.

When I hear other women talking about being broody and stuff, I kind of smile and nod, but don't really understand it. I accept that it must be true for them, but in quite a detached way...like they are speaking a different language or something.

I'm still figuring out so much about who I am and what I want my future to be like, and children have just never been in my plans. Also, I'm able to take risks that I wouldn't have done if I had children to think of. I'm completely changing careers into a more low paid, less secure position. Which is doable because I only have myself to support.

Years ago my sister (who always wanted kids and has two) was shocked when I told her I wouldn't be having any, and she said I might change my mind if I meet the perfect guy...I just remember thinking: if a guy I meet wanted kids then he wouldn't be the perfect guy for me.

Thankfully I have friends who are also childfree I haven't been left behind my friendship group. My best friend has been with her boyfriend for over ten years, they are very happy and settled together, but she has had so many questions about why they aren't married/ don't have kids over the years - he's never been asked

@garlictwist. Your post really resinates with me.

I’m the same! We could be the same person writing!

I’m 40 very soon so might have to draw a line under it too. I’ve been ambivalent for such a long time that that maybe speaks volumes.

I'm child free, I wanted them they didn't happen. I separated from my husband 3 years ago. I still have time but at 43 not much and I need to find a man first. Sometimes it's hard and I am envious when I see families out walking in the park. I think the past 12 months has made it all the harder.

@ED81 I don't think you sound like a dick head. One of the overwhelming reasons for us not having a third is I am terrified of having a child with additional needs, I have my life balanced very well atm with my career and time for myself alongside children, we had children young so are banking on time for ourselves 40s+, a child with additional needs would throw that all into a spin and I think I'm a more "selfish" mother than most, my children are not the centre of my universe, so a child that requires me to go above and beyond would be very difficult for the both of us. It wasn't something I worried about when pregnant, but now I have 2 children I realise how lucky we were and how all our lives could turn upside down if we were to throw the dice again, especially as I'm not a young mum anymore.

Am childfree by choice and living the life I always dreamed of. A fulfilling and high-earning City career, time for hobbies and travel. Time to practise the piano and remain fluent in another European language. Time to do pilates and read and think and also work on my (early days) NED/portfolio career.

Happily I found a DH who enjoyed all the same things and also never wanted children.

I have friends with children and who are childfree too. I love and find ways to spend time with both sets.

When I pictured my ideal life when I was younger it was exactly this. No children in my daydreams ever (took me a while to clock that!).

[quote ED81]@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn. Absolutely, risk doing it and hating it? Or risk not doing it and regret it? Either is a loss i suppose.

And what is worse?![/quote]
I think that if you’re already in this much doubt & your DH isn’t keen - then don’t. But you’ve also got plenty of people here to give you the opposite viewpoint.

@BritWifeinUSA
But having children doesn't guarantee grandchildren anyway. Neither of our two sons will become parents, for various reasons.

It’s surely better to not have children and regret it, than to have children and regret it. The former impacts only you, whereas the latter will have consequences for the child/ren.

@ED81 it's hard to say if the risk is worth it - for me, it was but I have always had a very, very strong desire to have children. For you it might not be. Perhaps you could read up on the statistics? I believe when I was pregnant the overall risk of what was termed "birth defects" was about 3% but that could include things like a missing finger so not necessarily a life changing thing for most people. However, on top of that you have things that won't get picked up for a few years, eg autism (which is about a 1 in 88 risk last time I checked). It's worth noting most people with disabilities have great lives but if you know you wouldn't cope I don't know if it would be a good idea. Such a highly personal decision, good luck. X

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn. I think you are right but need to admit it to myself.

I have friends who say to me “just do it” and have a baby. But can’t allow others to dictate to me as they have wanted a baby. I couldn’t deal with the constant entertainment that goes with a baby. And sleepless nights. Organising childcare. Being a bit skint. The worry that must be consuming when I worry enough about my cat!

Also the pressure that a child must put on a relationship. I love my marriage and I’d be so worried it would change when DH isn’t sold on having a baby.

[quote Tealteaparty]@rainyoutside Sadly I don't think its unusual to be a mum, love your kids but to hate motherhood much of the time. I find myself in this position. I love them so much but the daily grind of motherhood sucks the life from me. Perhaps people's expectations are so much higher now for personal fulfillment? I can't wish them away but if I'd known how hard it would be, what it would turn me into I wouldn't have done it and I think its critcally important that every woman who feels that way has a platform to share those feelings because you often can't discuss it with family or even friends. Its not an adgenda but reality for many women and women gave a choice these days to say no to children and no to marriage if the choose to.[/quote]
I know exactly what you mean. I found the ages up to 14 so hard. I'm not a natural at the more practical side of running a house, especially working in a full time demanding job. I hated the school mums brigade and school gates politics too. I never really felt that I fitted in. Kids are now 17 and 20, so much easier in some ways but different challenges to deal with which are stressful in other ways.

I think you’re definitely doing the right thing by thinking it through in so much detail. Good luck with whatever you decide.

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn

I however worry about regretting it in the sense of that it might be wonderful. I also worry about older age and what would I do if my husband dies first. That utterly consumes me. However is the risk worth it?! Who knows!!

I’m 47 and have never regretted not having kids.

I think that for you, couldn’t the risk of having a child now & realising you’ve made a terrible mistake be much graver than the risk of possibly regretting not having kids later?

This. There is no such thing as a eighth trimester abortion, nor can you take it back.

You'd be having a child in order to prevent having to face some feelings that you don't even know you are going to feel. That's an awful burden to put on a child.

@Toddlerteaplease

I would love to have children. But haven't met anyone. My sister has never wanted kids. And the thought of having no family when I'm older, terrifies me. I would r say that I embrace the child free life. It's a very lovely place to be.

@Toddlerteaplease - that's so sad, and I can relate. I desperately wanted a child but was (am) permanently single. In the end I had a child by donor sperm and I'm so pleased I did.

Could this be an option for you?