Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Childfree life

951 replies

uka888 · 22/10/2020 18:32

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

OP posts:
Mytimetokillandmaim · 27/10/2020 14:33

CounsellorTroi I really don't understand it. Am I making them angry by not having kids? I must be.
Its never men who say it to me. Always women. If they get into a conversation about it with me they'll keep asking ''what about your partner..what about him''?Hmm and all the other tired questions.

I work with children all they time. I babysit for friends etc so I do interact with kids a lot and get a lot of joy from it.
But I'm sure I dont want my own.

I just dont understand why it makes people angry,confused,inquisitive,shocked etc..??

EL8888 · 27/10/2020 14:34

@Android18 maybe other people don’t have worries around stagnating. Keeping things fresh with professional qualifications, work progress, travelling, volunteering, new hobbies etc

DownThePlath · 27/10/2020 14:38

@Mytimetokillandmaim

i also think poor bastards but about people with no kids. I couldn’t imagine my life without my four children 🤣🤣🤣🤣 how can you feel like I'm a poor bastard when I'm living my life exactly how I want to..just like you are with your van load of kids ?Grin
😂😂😂
jessstan1 · 27/10/2020 23:15

i also think poor bastards but about people with no kids. I couldn’t imagine my life without my four children

That is an extremely patronising attitude, just like saying, "Look at me, I'm so clever and contented".

I feel sorry for people who I know cannot have children and want them (I don't show it, it stays in my head), but most are fine without and don't need children like accessories, never mind four of them.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/10/2020 23:52

As much as my adore my kids , the main thing they have done is make
Me address my physical and mental health
Their dads a heavy smoking weed smoker with anger and many issues
They didn’t choose to be born
So yeah , it’s all on me

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/10/2020 23:55

I only think poor bastard about people with crushing issues that are not easy to navigate away from

Certainly not about not having kids
People can have purpose and leave a legacy regardless of their fertility
Jesus it’s 2020 now

ClaireP20 · 27/10/2020 23:57

@SparkyTheCat

I can't say I've exactly "embraced" childfree life, but realistically I'm early 40s with a decade of TTC behind me, so it probably isn't happening. Come to terms with, more like.

Anyway. All the pros @Britw

My amazing donor egg baby is breastfeeding on me now. I had him older than you are now. There may be another route...
ClaireP20 · 28/10/2020 00:00

So true....

CounsellorTroi · 28/10/2020 00:00

@Mytimetokillandmaim

CounsellorTroi I really don't understand it. Am I making them angry by not having kids? I must be. Its never men who say it to me. Always women. If they get into a conversation about it with me they'll keep asking ''what about your partner..what about him''?Hmm and all the other tired questions.

I work with children all they time. I babysit for friends etc so I do interact with kids a lot and get a lot of joy from it.
But I'm sure I dont want my own.

I just dont understand why it makes people angry,confused,inquisitive,shocked etc..??

Perhaps they think having children is a duty that childfree people are shirking?
sammylady37 · 28/10/2020 05:10

@Christmasfairy2020

To be honest most people aged 50 are child free anyways. I'm 30 an rgn and have a 10 year old whose 11 soon and a 6 year old. I had my 1st young whilst still at uni. It has never stopped me doing what I wanna do. When I turn 40 I'll have a 20 and 15 year old aged 50 my kids will be 30 and 25 so not exactly babies?

I agree with posters whom say it isnt family who make elderly peoples life more enjoyable it is their friends and neighbours generally.

Not exactly babies, but still in your life and potentially a huge source of stress and worry. Yes, potentially (and hopefully) a source of positive things too, but the potential for stress, negativity, worry, hassle, a falling-out, illness, divorce and not seeing grandchildren, bereavement etc is there. I remember as a teenager watching my grandmother who was in her mid-80s destroyed with worry about her son (then mid 50s ) when his life went pear-shaped, and I remember thinking how awful it was for her at that stage of her life. You don’t stop worrying about them once they’re adults.
sammylady37 · 28/10/2020 05:15

I enjoy growing as a person, and felt my life would stagnate if I didn't do something more challenging than the same thing I'd been doing for 20 years

So you took a gamble and brought another human being into the world? Could you not think of anything else to do?

seayork2020 · 28/10/2020 05:18

We have a child because it happened, we may have decided not to hace any children if it I did not become pregnant, fertility issues in my family made me think of this more than I would have normally and I decided when I was young if I was naturally able to have a child I would but I would not go out of my way to have a child. I only have one child and we decided this very early on.

I can see why people have more children and I can equally see why people choose not have any, all these are perfectly fine choices I just don't get the 'society puts pressure on us to have children' no it doesn't if you choose to fine same as if you choose not too, don't blame anyone else.

Although I do have the one if I didn't and kept on being asked I would just say 'when hell freezes over' I do not get obsession with asking people when they will have kids or when they have when they will have another.

I would rather have no kids (hypothetically as I love my son more than anything) then keep on having kids to what can be called 'a useless father' then complaining about it

AmandaHugenkiss · 28/10/2020 06:59

I’m 40 and child free by choice and lucky enough to have a DP on the same page as me. I can see for my friends who have children, especially after issues TTC, how it fulfils their lives. I love my nephews and nieces to bits and enjoy spending time with them. I like children in general. My reason for not having them is I’ve never once had the biological drive to, and the idea of it doesn’t appeal to me at all. I don’t think anyone who feels the way I do should have them. Children should be wanted and cherished.

I’m lucky in that I have a couple of child free friends who plan to stay that way too, and I still see most of my friends with children although they now have other Mum friends they are closer to, which is understandable.

I’ve never regretted my choice and I’m much happier not having kids. I get mildly annoyed by the judgement, pressure and occasionally anger I get from other people (always women) but it’s much rarer now than it was when I was 30. DP and I are extremely happy, our friends with children are extremely happy, and it doesn’t stop any of us from doing what we want to.

My only sadness is that I know my Mum would love grandchildren and I feel bad for her.

CounsellorTroi · 28/10/2020 09:40

I enjoy growing as a person, and felt my life would stagnate if I didn't do something more challenging than the same thing I'd been doing for 20 years

I wanted children partly because all my friends and extended family were having them and it felt like they were progressing in life and I wasn’t. Like still being at school while they were at university. But I have learned that there are other ways to grow than having children.

Original poster
uka888 · 30/10/2020 10:50

Thank you everyone for so many replies, great to hear so many points of view.

OP posts:
MademoiselleDeWinter · 30/10/2020 10:58

Reading some of the views of parenting on this thread (it makes you a better person, stops you stagnating, people without children are poor bastards) is pretty jarring having just come straight from another thread where being a parent is described as being like a bomb going off in your life, driven to the brink, like a zombie every night etc. I think for anyone on the the fence listening to other people's advice and experiences will just confuse you more!

sociallydistained · 30/10/2020 10:59

I just had half term week off work to do what I wanted and it's been bliss. So sad it's at an end but so glad I didn't have to fill it with entertaining children in this weather!

Bearplumapple · 30/10/2020 20:20

@Bannister that's really patronising, of course someone can understand the all encompassing nature of parenthood its not that fucking special.

Jesus the way some parents go on. It's just too much like the pp who said they feel sorry for people without kids. I pity somone who's life is that basic they're only about their kids.

lazyfecker · 01/11/2020 03:39

There are more experiences and ways of living out there than any of us could manage in a lifetime. Having children is just one of them. More women have them than not so it's not like it's unusual or anything.

garlictwist · 01/11/2020 06:48

I am childfree by choice. I enjoy lots of hobbies and sleep and freedom to do what I want. That said, I do think I have a bit too much spare time (esp at the moment during lockdown and wfh) and I do feel a bit aimless.

These two cons aren't sufficient to make me want children, but I can see why people want them. I love my two nieces and am a big part of their lives. At the moment that gives me great satisfaction but they are very young and I do worry that as they grow they won't want to bother with me any more and that I'll lose that connection and become a boring old maiden aunt that they're forced to see every now and again.

So I suppose for me, the benefits of not having children outweigh the cons but it's not always sunshine and rainbows.

MademoiselleDeWinter · 01/11/2020 07:21

@garlictwist

I am childfree by choice. I enjoy lots of hobbies and sleep and freedom to do what I want. That said, I do think I have a bit too much spare time (esp at the moment during lockdown and wfh) and I do feel a bit aimless.

These two cons aren't sufficient to make me want children, but I can see why people want them. I love my two nieces and am a big part of their lives. At the moment that gives me great satisfaction but they are very young and I do worry that as they grow they won't want to bother with me any more and that I'll lose that connection and become a boring old maiden aunt that they're forced to see every now and again.

So I suppose for me, the benefits of not having children outweigh the cons but it's not always sunshine and rainbows.

Is there anything you want to learn? A language? Theres a few good apps to learn. The open University have hundreds of free short courses about so many different things. It's difficult keeping up with hobbies with lockdowns and restrictions but they're things to do from home.
Original poster
uka888 · 03/11/2020 12:13

I think there are advantages and disadvantages of whichever decision women make, I just think it would help women decide in the future what is really right for them if it was discussed more openly.

OP posts:
lala2221 · 09/12/2020 20:17

.

Roominmyhouse · 09/12/2020 21:02

I’m nearly 40 and child free by choice. Been with DH 15 years and we thought we’d have kids but neither of us have ever actually wanted it enough to do it. We’ve just enjoyed our lives as we wanted to live them and realised we don’t want children enough to change that. We have a smallish house and because of that a comfortable life with money to do what we want. If we had children childcare costs would leave us skint and we have no local family.

I don’t dislike other people’s kids but I get to walk away and back to my peaceful home after seeing them.

It is a bit frustrating when your social life disappears when most of your mates have kids but we have other child free friends in the same boat. There’s still the occasional good night out but just less of them!

I don’t know whether I’ll regret it when I’m old but who knows what you’ll regret in life. You can only go what feels right at the time.

I just think if you aren’t sure you want kids, you probably shouldn’t have them.

lala2221 · 10/12/2020 11:50

I think that’s partly what I like... a peaceful home! I don’t mind children at all, and enjoy having my stepchildren over but I do find it all quite chaotic at times , I think because I like a bit of peace and quiet!