Childfree life

[uka888]

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

I questioned my decision a lot in my thirties because I came under a lot of pressure from family/friends to have children. But every time I made a pros and cons list it was obvious that it just wasn’t something I wanted to do, and it’s way to big and risky a thing to do just to make other people happy.

@greenskylark

Interesting that you say can love and be loved unconditionally - I’m happy for you, but that’s not something I can honestly say has ever happened in my wider family or something I’ve universally seen in others.

I am on the fence - the thought of having children scares me at the moment, mainly due to finances. I worry about money all the time and the childcare costs are frightening. I don't know if I want a child enough to be poor.

But on the other hand, and I know it's silly, but I worry I would be missing out if I didn't experience pregnancy and motherhood. As if it's a 'club' I would be excluded from. Even today women without children are often viewed in a negative way by society, and I don't know if I'm brave and mentally strong enough to reject societal expectations IYSWIM. My mum certainly has the views that the most important thing is having children, which has always irritated me but it shows there are people around who have these views - I think more than we think.

I'm 30s, never wanted kids. Nothing about it looks appealing to me. I find just getting up every day and going to work exhausting enough, no way would I have enough energy for all that kid stuff. I like peace and quiet and a low stress life.

Not all dogs smell. Dogs have different types of coats and some do smell, some smell when wet and some do not smell at all.

True! All depends on type of coat. I have had different dogs and know the doggy smell (which I don't actually mind) I have a really good sense of smell and my current dog does not smell - even when wet there is barely anything. He has a very different coat to what I'm used to.

Easier to keep pets healthy than children. They want to exercise, don't want to eat the rubbish advertised on TV, no peer pressure.

When they get old and sick they get private health care, no waiting lists. Euthanasia, when the time comes, to alleviate suffering.

I expect to outlive my pet or my husband will. Heartbreaking though it will be for us, my pet will have had the best life we could give him from start to finish. He will never have to navigate the world us as his caregivers.

World WITHOUT us ffs

Child free by choice ( and indeed partner free by choice). I enjoy having exactly the life I want, have an array of nieces and nephews who I adore but would never want that life for me!

I agree with the distinction between childfree and childless

I know many happy people in the first category
But I also saw the deep pain and bereavement of a friend who was childless , and without going into detail it killed her

I’ve also seen the grief on here

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I agree with the distinction between childfree and childless

I know many happy people in the first category
But I also saw the deep pain and bereavement of a friend who was childless , and without going into detail it killed her

I’ve also seen the grief on here

Me too. I'm childfree but if I told people I was childless they might start commiserating with me and discussing infertility and asking about my experience. Conversely if a childless person tells me they're childfree I'll likely put my foot in it somehow.

I'm chid free by choice.. I'm 35 and I've been with my partner since I was 19 so I had a lot of time to think about it. I've never wanted children. Tbh when I was younger I couldn't fathom why people do it. I still occasionally feel like that but do get it now I think. I just can't imagine wanting my life to be that full on. But I think that because I see the negatives more profoundly than the positives as I don't actually see them as that positive. If that makes any sense?

I felt a comment about not doing something more challenging and life stagnating without children was a bit of a dig. I often feel in these conversations parents feel the need to justify how they still have a full life but are that bit better because they've done it with children.

@BritWifeinUSA

We are child-free but not by choice. It means we have a higher disposable income, can do things more spontaneously, can travel more, don’t have to think about making sure things are out of reach in our home, having to close doors, etc.

One thing that does worry us is loneliness in old age. We will have no one to visit us. We have nieces and nephews but they live out of state so they wouldn’t be popping round every weekend or every fortnight, for example. We might only see them once a year, like we do now. We will have no grandchildren. We do think our old age will be very lonely.

My aunt and uncle was also childfree and they moved closer to us as they got older. Is that an option? We were close to them anyway but after they came over we basically just treated them as a second set of grandparents (they were more hands on) - they got to enjoy all aspects of grandparenting and weren’t lonely at all.

@Plussizejumpsuit

I'm chid free by choice.. I'm 35 and I've been with my partner since I was 19 so I had a lot of time to think about it. I've never wanted children. Tbh when I was younger I couldn't fathom why people do it. I still occasionally feel like that but do get it now I think. I just can't imagine wanting my life to be that full on. But I think that because I see the negatives more profoundly than the positives as I don't actually see them as that positive. If that makes any sense?

I felt a comment about not doing something more challenging and life stagnating without children was a bit of a dig. I often feel in these conversations parents feel the need to justify how they still have a full life but are that bit better because they've done it with children.

@Plussizejumpsuit yes I totally get what you're saying. I can quite easily see why people want children and can also see that some (but not all) of my friends really love parenthood, but it just does not appeal to me. I am a very non-tactile person so the thought of breastfeeding or being clung onto by a child makes me feel very claustrophobic - as do cuddles generally! Similarly, I am not very good with being "needed" and am quite introverted so I am pretty sure I would not be a natural mother.

(P.S. I thought that was a dig too.)

Imagine if all women could have a trial run of looking after a baby or have to attend in depth classes about what parenting involves beforehand, at least then they could have more information to decide if it was really for them!

I never wanted any. It cost me one long term relationship when he changed his mind but it would have been cruel to have a child I didn't want.

I'm 54 (in 2 days) and I've done lots of things I couldn't have, or would have been different had I been a parent. I've had holidays in far flung places, moved jobs (and cities) without thinking much about accomodation / schools / impact on a child.

As for being lonely, both my brother an I are 200+ miles from where we were brought up. My mum died about 5 years ago, my dad has lots of friends, he has a better social life than me.

@uka888

Imagine if all women could have a trial run of looking after a baby or have to attend in depth classes about what parenting involves beforehand, at least then they could have more information to decide if it was really for them!

I’m the eldest of a large family, and was looking after my younger siblings from a young age, so I have known all my life about baby care, nappy changing, feeding etc — it in no way resembles having your own child. Which is precisely why parenthood is such a big deal. It’s one of the very few experiences that you can’t practice/test run/sample.

@sashh

I never wanted any. It cost me one long term relationship when he changed his mind but it would have been cruel to have a child I didn't want.

I'm 54 (in 2 days) and I've done lots of things I couldn't have, or would have been different had I been a parent. I've had holidays in far flung places, moved jobs (and cities) without thinking much about accomodation / schools / impact on a child.

As for being lonely, both my brother an I are 200+ miles from where we were brought up. My mum died about 5 years ago, my dad has lots of friends, he has a better social life than me.

I lost a marriage and a long term relationship because I am childfree, both of those men thought I'd change my mind and lied while they waited for me to change my mind neither have children 15+ years later though so maybe they only wanted children with someone who didn't want children!

@AmySantiagoNineNine I think with him it was about control.

He found another woman and she got pregnant very quickly. I said relationship but it was a marriage, one fun thing was naming her as co-respondent. My STBX was ignoring letters and claiming he had not committed adultery.

I remember filling the form in with my solicitor, it asked if there was any evidence of adultery?

"He's living with her and pregnant with his child". My solicitor said if it went to court he'd have a really difficult time proving he hadn't had sex.

[quote sashh]@AmySantiagoNineNine I think with him it was about control.

He found another woman and she got pregnant very quickly. I said relationship but it was a marriage, one fun thing was naming her as co-respondent. My STBX was ignoring letters and claiming he had not committed adultery.

I remember filling the form in with my solicitor, it asked if there was any evidence of adultery?

"He's living with her and pregnant with his child". My solicitor said if it went to court he'd have a really difficult time proving he hadn't had sex.[/quote]
He sounds awful, I'm glad you had the evidence you needed for your divorce though!

I don't know about the idea people can't envisage parenthood. I have really very good idea of what it's like which is why I don't have any children. I don't know of its a lack of foresight or imagination. But I actually don't think it's particularly hard to imagine a baby constantly needing you, you being the go to buck stops with you person. I'm not saying I can imagine every last bit of parenthood. But I certainly don't think it's that hard to see how all encompassing and hard it is.

I don't know if this is something parents say to be special? Or perhaps they didn't envisage it? I've looked after babies and toddlers for 25 hours or so before and honestly that is too much! So I definitely know I couldn't do it constantly. I've often thought on handing my niece back God imagine if I just had to do this forever until she grew up?!

So although it's not for me I do have a respect for parenting to some extent.

But I certainly don't think it's that hard to see how all encompassing and hard it is.

I agree. I also think it's possible to have had time- and energy-intensive commitments that make you realise that you don't want any more. I've had horses almost all my life and that meant a heavy commitment since I was 17 and able to drive. For almost as long as I can remember my life has revolved around another being, their needs, who will care for them if I'm away, and not having the spontaneity or freedom that some of my friends had. Of course, it was entirely my choice and I wouldn't have changed it for anything but the last thing I want is any more responsibility or anything else that restricts my freedom.

Interestingly, out of a group of us who all rode together when we were small children and who've stayed in touch all this time (we're all late 30s/early 40s now), only one or two have children. Most of us are childfree, including those don't have horses any more. Maybe early responsibility put us off or maybe we got our maternal kicks with our horses!

@Plussizejumpsuit

I don't know about the idea people can't envisage parenthood. I have really very good idea of what it's like which is why I don't have any children. I don't know of its a lack of foresight or imagination. But I actually don't think it's particularly hard to imagine a baby constantly needing you, you being the go to buck stops with you person. I'm not saying I can imagine every last bit of parenthood. But I certainly don't think it's that hard to see how all encompassing and hard it is.

I don't know if this is something parents say to be special? Or perhaps they didn't envisage it? I've looked after babies and toddlers for 25 hours or so before and honestly that is too much! So I definitely know I couldn't do it constantly. I've often thought on handing my niece back God imagine if I just had to do this forever until she grew up?!

So although it's not for me I do have a respect for parenting to some extent.

With respect, you don’t. You can’t know unless you do it, regardless of how much experience with children you have, because it’s a fundamentally different experience to have your own child to looking after someone else’s, and I say that as someone who’d planned not to have a child in part because I’d been looking after my younger siblings since I was eight or nine, and because my mother’s life, and the life of women like her, looked so joyless and careworn.

And that’s not to make any special claims for the uniqueness of parenthood. I don’t think it’s anything to do with a lack of foresight or imagination. I don’t recognise many of the accounts of parenthood I see on Mn, which isn’t surprising, as these people aren’t me, don’t come to parenthood out of my experiences, and don’t have my child. I certainly don’t recognise the accounts that view parenthood as absolutely all-encompassing or transformative, but then I have one child by choice, born when I was 39, senior in a flexible career I’ve continued, with a thoroughly hands-on partner. Parenthood has been an interesting and rewarding extra on top of my previous life, but I imagine this would be potentially very different if I’d had three or four children and became a SAHM, was a single parent, or had a child with additional needs such that s/he needed FT parental care.

[quote Greeneyes78]@ivftake1 i also think poor bastards but about people with no kids. I couldn’t imagine my life without my four children.[/quote]
Oh don't feel sorry for us child-free by choice folk, we are all perfectly content

I'm in my 30s and never want kids. But I'm constantly being asked by my best (female) friend when I'm going to have them.

I've told her thousands of times over the last 10 years that I wont be. She will still preface many conversations with..IF/When you do have one... Her sister in law said it to me in a pub in front of many people "so..when is it happening for you..we're all waiting " ...when I said I wouldn't be having any at first she laughed at me thinkin I was joking..then she made faces to all the other women around me...who all had kids too. It made me feel so uncomfortable.

I said it to my friend the next day that it upset me and I'm sick of people saying these things to me...and she denied it happened I really dont understand how me not having kids...seems to effect all these people who do what is it ???!

i also think poor bastards but about people with no kids. I couldn’t imagine my life without my four children
🤣🤣🤣🤣 how can you feel like I'm a poor bastard when I'm living my life exactly how I want to..just like you are with your van load of kids ?

@Mytimetokillandmaim that's awful, and people say there is no social pressure to have kids.