Childfree life

[uka888]

More women seem to be embracing the childfree life.
What’s your experiences? Plus points ? Negatives? Those of you 50/60+ are you pleased with your decision?
I think it’s good more options of spoken about so women can feel like it’s a choice.

I agree with the poster who made the link between not wanting kids and not wanting pets.

I've got 2 kids (and an amazing career, nice holidays etc!) who I always wanted.

But the thought of getting a pet fills me with horror. The house stinking of dog (and ALL houses with dogs in do!) and having to walk it and pay 1000s when it develops arthritis?

Or cat hair everywhere and a cat's anus touching all available surfaces?

I get that some people love pets, each to their own, but I would NEVER do it and find people's cheerful acceptance of dog stench unfathomable. So if people who don't want kids feel this way about children, I completely get it.

I adore my cat but I wont get another one after her. It's almost like I care too much as cheesy as that sounds. I choose where I live based on garden access and whether the area will be safe for her. I go away less because I worry about pet sitters etc.

That's another reason I dont want children is I genuinely think I would care too much and become an anxious wreck.

@Splodgetastic

I find that whatever life choices you have made, people tend to see any deviation from theirs as a non-validation of their own lives, as several posters have already identified. I don’t have DC not through choice. People tend to find it puzzling if I don’t go to an adults-only resort on holiday. While I have been to one or rather one floor of the hotel was and it was fab (happy hour to help yourself to drinks included!) I quite like a family atmosphere too. It can be quite jolly and entertaining.

I think that’s fair. I genuinely see both side on this one, as I never planned to have a child, and had a DP who was equally uninterested in being a parent. We did n the end have a child when I was about to turn 40, and though he’s wonderful and I’m very glad we had him, (a) I would not have had him a moment earlier in life, because it would have been incompatible with the life I was leading, and (b) I am absolutely aware that I would have been equally, if differently, happy had I stayed child-free.

I certainly didn’t have DS to bow to norms or out of social pressure (though I certainly had the usual intrusive questions throughout my life) — in fact a lot of people couldn’t cope at all with the fact that I’d gone from their ‘childfree careerist’ box to their ‘parent’ one, told me frankly I was the least maternal person ever, and would I cope — and none of my siblings have children.

Having a child in a professional career at 40 made some people’s prejudices and assumptions about me/motherhood etc come out of the woodwork in strange ways — some people were aggrieved I wasn’t going to ditch my job, some people were baffled we still went on holidays to what they considered ‘adult places’ and not Disney Land, and many of the people who’d asked intrusive questions about having a child years earlier seemed angry and confused that I’d had one, and started saying ‘An only is a lonely!’

My instinctive sympathies in many ways still lie with the childfree, because I was one of them, perfectly happily, for far longer than I’ve been a parent. But I am pretty much exactly the same person that I was before I had a child — I’m often impatient, work-focused, am the sum total of my upbringing, experiences and relationships to date, but also a decent mother.

@Volcanicorange

I agree with the poster who made the link between not wanting kids and not wanting pets.

I've got 2 kids (and an amazing career, nice holidays etc!) who I always wanted.

But the thought of getting a pet fills me with horror. The house stinking of dog (and ALL houses with dogs in do!) and having to walk it and pay 1000s when it develops arthritis?

Or cat hair everywhere and a cat's anus touching all available surfaces?

I get that some people love pets, each to their own, but I would NEVER do it and find people's cheerful acceptance of dog stench unfathomable. So if people who don't want kids feel this way about children, I completely get it.

Not all dogs smell. Dogs have different types of coats and some do smell, some smell when wet and some do not smell at all.

I know my dogs don't because my mother in law would have taken great delight in telling me. She told me she could smell my cat but when we had no cats she actually said our house did not smell.

I would far rather have dogs and cats than children. Pets don't have temper tantrums, cats never need toilet training and most puppies get it far quicker than any child. My puppy was toilet trained in 3 days. They don't argue, they don't keep asking for money, they don't do drugs. They just don't give anywhere near the amount of grief and stress children do. They do give you lots of love though

[quote Greeneyes78]@ivftake1 i also think poor bastards but about people with no kids. I couldn’t imagine my life without my four children.[/quote]
@Greeneyes78 - please save your pity for someone that needs it. I'm really happy with my life thanks!

I think there are many different aspects to consider being childfree.

Those that wanted children but didn't or couldn't and are embracing that path that they didn't actively choose.

Those that were ambivalent but said they didn't want children but fate intervened and they eventually did but still say they they understand being childfree.

And those, where I fit into, who actively avoided getting pregnant all their life because they WANT to be childfree. I paid to be sterilised privately in my 40s because I was still adamant and could now comfortably afford it to ensure I would never have a child (bloody wish I had done it in my 20s).

People are just different and want different things out of life, there’s no right or wrong answer. If you are child free by choice and love it that was the right decision for you. If you are a parent and can’t imagine your life without children then that was the right choice for you. It’s not that one life is better than the other it’s that the choice that person made is right for them.

I had children very young - got pregnant at 21 so I’ve never had an adult life without children. I never really considered what it might be like to choose to be childless when I was young so reading threads like this are interesting and I do wonder about the path I missed sometimes. I used to do care work and the thing that struck me most was how those who hadn’t had children had the nicer houses and had done more travelling or had more experiences.

However I don’t think I’d have chosen differently. My children are becoming adults now and it always amazes me that I made those people. Having a family is hard work and has meant I’ve done less with my life and had less opportunities for self development and travel and I have less money but I’ve been happy to have them.

I'm definitely not a 'poor bastard', thanks. I am very happy that I have no children, especially when I hear next door's grandkids screeching and whining!
I'd like to have done the sterilisation route but I have never been able to persuade a doctor ('you're too young, you'll change your mind)

a cat's anus touching all available surfaces?

This comment made me laugh .

Their anuses don't usually touch the surfaces, though. Like us, they have bum cheeks to stop this happening,

[quote JorisBonson]**@ivftake1* @Greeneyes78*

And I think that every time I see a parent having to deal with a screaming kid in the supermarket.

I'm certainly not a poor bastard and don't need your sympathy.[/quote]
I was going to say exactly the same thing.

& I also think that when I read threads on here where a parent is having to deal with a distraught teen who is being bullied, and when parents are talking about the hell of soft play, school gate mums' mafias , or posting at 5am because they're up all night with a child who's got a stomach upset and want to know the best way to get vomit out of the carpet.

Poor bastards indeed.

@Greeneyes78

i also think poor bastards but about people with no kids

See, I think “poor bastards” about anyone who is so hard of thinking that a) they can’t see anyone’s view but their own and b) they think it’s acceptable to be this fucking patronising.

I'm 33 so I can really feel myself teetering on the brink now. I live with my partner in a stable warm relationship but I'm about to throw a match on it all.
I'm about 75% not wanting kids. However there is that 25% of me...

I know that I could start right now. Everything is place to do it and make it happen. But the pull of going somewhere different and starting afresh is just too strong for me to resist. I'm not sure I will find myself in these ideal circumstances with enough time left again. So I think what I'm about to do will jeopardise me ever having children.

Is that enough to stop me... No. The pull of novelty and the unknown is stronger in me than the pull to have a family. Will I regret it one day? Maybe a little but maybe not really. I have always followed my instinct and sometimes I have made mistakes. But ultimately we all die and nothing really matters. I mean that in an uplifting way if you see what I mean. It's hard to explain.

My dream has always been to be a step mother. I would love that. To have children I care about in my life, to guide and advise and love them; without having to birth them or feel the same instinctive worry for them that a biological mother would. Maybe one day I will meet a man with children and then i will gladly take on that responsibility and care.

In the meantime I will live my life in accordance with my whims and if that makes me a hippy so be it.

Why am I being tagged in this row!

And threads here from people with young DC arguing about who gets a lie-in - just seen one this morning. Having to make meticulous calculations to work out whose turn it is each weekend. No thanks. When not working, we can get up whenever we like.

Wondering how long it'll be before someone pops up to ask why we childfree by choice posters are on Mumsnet grin

PP already answered this....parking threads

I was on Mumsnet before being a parent, it’s awesome! Love a good AIBU....

We are parents and all the plus points noted above that being child free bring we definitely miss. We always say we don’t think we went out enough before even though we know we did.

I don’t agree there is a ‘tedium of parenting’ as a PP thinks but this depends on how you view it I guess. I know a mum who is literally bored stiff taking her little one to a park whereas I relish in the joy it brings my little one.

And threads from parents dealing with infestation after infestation of head lice. At least with pets you can give them a tablet to stop them getting fleas!

At least with pets you can give them a tablet to stop them getting fleas!

You'd have thought something similar would be available for headlice - just give the children a quarterly tablet, job done. There's a gap in the market if any pharmaceutical experts are reading!

I actually do have kids, 2 teenagers, but can't wait till they leave home, for uni or job or whatever. They'll be no 'empty nest syndrome' here, let me assure you!

It’s interesting to read people have so many different reasons for choosing to be childfree . I think parents are amazing - I don’t know how they juggle it all - work, relationship, children ... !

@CutToChase

I'm 33 so I can really feel myself teetering on the brink now. I live with my partner in a stable warm relationship but I'm about to throw a match on it all. I'm about 75% not wanting kids. However there is that 25% of me...

I know that I could start right now. Everything is place to do it and make it happen. But the pull of going somewhere different and starting afresh is just too strong for me to resist. I'm not sure I will find myself in these ideal circumstances with enough time left again. So I think what I'm about to do will jeopardise me ever having children.

Is that enough to stop me... No. The pull of novelty and the unknown is stronger in me than the pull to have a family. Will I regret it one day? Maybe a little but maybe not really. I have always followed my instinct and sometimes I have made mistakes. But ultimately we all die and nothing really matters. I mean that in an uplifting way if you see what I mean. It's hard to explain.

My dream has always been to be a step mother. I would love that. To have children I care about in my life, to guide and advise and love them; without having to birth them or feel the same instinctive worry for them that a biological mother would. Maybe one day I will meet a man with children and then i will gladly take on that responsibility and care.

In the meantime I will live my life in accordance with my whims and if that makes me a hippy so be it.

Obviously, not having a child is an entirely valid position, but I sometimes think on Mn that there's an assumption among both parents and the childfree that having a child commits you to a jail sentence of child-centric domestic tedium in the same place until they leave home, which isn't my experience at all.

You talk about the desire to 'go somewhere different and start afresh' being stronger than your desire to have a child. But unless you are joining a mission to Mars or entering a celibate, enclosed religious order, starting life in a new place doing something different isn't incompatible with having a child. I quit my job, moved country and changed career with my young son last year, and it's been wonderful, and we're both happy.

I'm not suggesting you should have a child, obviously, just pointing out that if you want one, it doesn't rule out the other things you want. At least with one child, and I'm not just thinking of my own experience -- I have a friend who has children and runs an ape sanctuary, another who moved to Iceland with her children for a couple of years, and lots of friends who've moved countries on a number of occasions with their families.

I think it would be a lot easier for women to make this decision if both experiences were talked about more. I have been questioned lots of times about not having children, sometimes it can make me really doubt myself.

@uka888 I agree, I'm sorry you have been questioned so much. I would never dream of asking someone why they don't have children, it's just the same as asking someone why they chose to have children, and no-one ever asks that!

I am not childfree ( I have two) but I can completely understand why someone might choose to be. Resource wars, religious wars, past genocidal wars, environmental depletion, massive wealth inequalities (see above). Not to be nihilistic or anything but having kids is such a big gamble especially if you and your family have not been a beneficiary of any of these things but expected to fight regardless. I worry about my son being conscripted to fight in Iran. Hell, I worry about other people's sons (and daughters) being conscripted for geopolitical wars in the ME.

@greenskylark

This tread is interesting. Glad to see various POV. We travelled alot, lots of freedom for hobbies and cash years before having kids. It got boring. Don't get me wrong, we still love travelling but life got abit "Is this all there is?"

We have always wanted kids. We wanted the chance to bring them up to be amazing people. And we did. Oh boy, the first 5 years was hard work. Sleeplessness, sickness, life revolves around their schedules, etc. I stopped working to look after them full-time. Also to take more on so that my husband can concentrate in bringing the money in. Don't get me wrong, they were the cutest but so all consuming! Then ..after that, they got more and more independent, their character and personality became clearer. They slowly became their own person. Daily life got easier year by year for us. I got back to work. Their converstations with us got more and more interesting. We took the chance to help them form their critical thinking skills etc.

They are now growing teen and tween.Other than driving them around for activities and monitoring their academic side of things, the rest of our time belongs to us (Sleeping in on weekends, Indulging in our own hobbies etc). Travelling with them got so much more interesting. We explore diversed places like Iceland and Hong Kong together. We watch the news together. They share their thoughts, ambition and dreams with us. Also, their struggles and dissapointments. We are there to support them all along the way. Genuinely looking forward to them graduating, fullfilling their full potentials, have their own family etc.

So for us, having survived the baby tunnel and came out the other side, what we got and still getting from having kids is more than worth it! No other ways can we love and be loved so unconditionally. Life is so full.

Just putting our own experience out there for those that are still on the fence. I respect the fact that it's not everyone's cup of tea and life without kids can be equally fun. but life with kids is not all that bad either :)

This totally encapsulates my experience of having children too. I enjoy growing as a person, and felt my life would stagnate if I didn't do something more challenging than the same thing I'd been doing for 20 years.