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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I couldn't hate myself anymore just now if i tried

148 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 22/10/2020 17:47

I visited my mum in hospital today, she is being discharged into a nursing home tomorrow.

She wants to go home, she thinks she is going home.

I feel like i have betrayed her.

She can't go home, i can't cope with her. If she goes home she will likely die.

She will however be MISERABLE in a nursing home that i havent even set foot in. It has terrible reviews but we have been searching for nearly two months and nowhere else would take her. She is a very difficult person and there are mental health issues alongside early dementia.

She was begging me, it has ripped my heart out but i still walked away - hate myself so much right now

OP posts:
Batshittery · 22/10/2020 17:49

That must be hard for you, but you shouldn't blame yourself. What other options were there? Doesn't sound like there was one. Can you keep looking for somewhere better?

Teaandchocolatedigestives · 22/10/2020 17:50

I've no advice but I wanted to offer you a virtual hug. You're doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. Please be easy on yourself Flowers

Isadora2007 · 22/10/2020 17:51

I’ve said yabu to judge yourself so harshly. How would putting yourself into a position where you couldn’t cope and provide for her help her? It wouldn’t. The reality is there is no happily ever after scenario for your mum sadly and this is the best of a bad set of options at this point. Sometimes that’s all you can do.

amusedtodeath1 · 22/10/2020 17:51

You're being unreasonable to yourself OP. What else could you have done? I know it must be so hard but you didn't have another option. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Flowers

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/10/2020 17:53

She can't go home, i can't cope with her. If she goes home she will likely die.

This really stood out to me, you can’t care for her, being at home may be life threatening for her. Sometimes there are literally no good choices, so we need to pick the less bad choice. If you didn’t care, your heart wouldn’t have been ripped out - you’re doing the very best you can, even though the very best is pretty shit, it’s less shit than the alternatives.

Be kind to yourself, I don’t know anyone who has made that decision easily.

Isadora2007 · 22/10/2020 17:53

Also sorry @TheoriginalLEM I didn’t mean to be so negative. Having worked with people with dementia and long term MH issues I can often see they are “easier” when their family are not around- adapting to their new simple reality is often less of a challenge than trying to recall those known to them and they act in really awful ways sometimes towards family but are little or no problem for us professionals working with them.

Echobelly · 22/10/2020 17:55

YABU to judge yourself - I don't think many people can be expected to give up their own lives to care for even their own parent if they have complex issues.

dudsville · 22/10/2020 17:55

The only reason this hurts so much is because you care so much. I know that's cold comfort, but she's loved and you're doing what's best for her.

ApolloandDaphne · 22/10/2020 17:55

You have been on a long journey to get to this point. You have to accept you have done everything you can but you cannot shoulder the burden any longer. The home may turn out to be the exactly right place for your DM. Reviews are one thing but the reality can be very different. Take time to ensure you have some self care and understand that as hard as it is you have done the right thing.

wouldyouhaveacupoftea · 22/10/2020 17:57

I'm so sorry OP Thanks

I don't have any words of advice. I just wanted to say please be kind to yourself. It sounds an awful situation. You're doing the best you can. Take care.

MidnightFlit · 22/10/2020 17:58

I've read so many of your threads in which you've struggled and struggled to do the right thing for your mum. This may be a better solution for her than you think. You are far from a bad or unloving child.

Fajitanita · 22/10/2020 17:59

Oh OP Flowers. The fact you are torn up about it shows you care, and although it's a cliche, it will be the best place for her, and be good for you too. It's brave to admit when you have reached the limit of what you can cope with, and again, it's a choice out of love- you want her to get the support she needs. The not being able to look around due to covid sucks, but that cannot be helped at the moment. As a PP has said, please be kind to yourself.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 22/10/2020 17:59

Home with carers but we tried, limited if any support from social services, gp not interested. Mum was not taking her medication and her carers had to refuse to administer due to non cpmliance.

This has been going on for two years now. We have frequent flier miles and our own room (or this is how it feels!) at the hospital. The last time she had sepsis and had trapped herself under her bed, this was despite me telling drs repeatedly that she wasnt taking her medication. She has addisons and will die if she doesnt take it.

Pychosis and panic attacks were frequent, often resulting in 999 calls as she has an aortic aneurysm.

She said i just want her out the way and its partly true. Shes abusive, manipulative and i dreaded my phone going. So i am releived that she is goung but im not naive enough to think this is a happy ending. It really isnt.

OP posts:
Brighterthansunflowers · 22/10/2020 17:59

I voted YANBU because you’re making the right choice not because I think you should hate yourself for it

When you were a child I’m sure you mum did some things you didn’t like but which were for your best interests. Sadly now roles are reversed and it’s you making the tough decisions in her best interests.

WinWinnieTheWay · 22/10/2020 18:00

Deep breath, your done your best. You can keep looking for a better home for her and I'm sure that you will visit as much as possible.

ThanksWine

Mischance · 22/10/2020 18:01

How very distressing for you both.

Do not hate yourself - you can only do what you can do and you are not superhuman. I finished up in a situation where my OH had to end his days in a nursing home - even live-in carers at home could not manage. But I was very lucky that I was able to find an excellent home, but had to put my home on the market to meet the "top-up" payments.

Have you had some help from the LA to find a home for her? Are they contributing to the cost? Have you looked at Continuing Care Funding where the health authority is responsible for the cost?

She does not have to be discharged there if it is unsatisfactory or unsuitable - hospitals have to keep people till somewhere suitable is found - I know it causes bed-blocking, but it is wholly unacceptable for someone to be discharged o an unsatisfactory placement.

There should not be homes with bad reviews still taking people in - who has told you she has to go there?

Talk to the Care Quality Commission about the bad reviews - look up their assessment of the place. Do not forget that bad reviews are often from people with a specific, and maybe unfounded, grievance.

A move to a residential or nursing home can be a very positive move for many people. I am hoping you have had proper advice about all this.

But do not hate yourself - really, just don't. None of it is your fault.

Terrace58 · 22/10/2020 18:02

I fear I may be in the same position soon. I can’t care for my aging parent for a myriad of reasons and I know he will be furious at facing institutional care.

unmarkedbythat · 22/10/2020 18:03

Oh op Flowers

Gingernaut · 22/10/2020 18:03

Honestly?

You've made the best choice possible considering the circumstances.

Please at least believe you've made the least worst choice.

Weirdfan · 22/10/2020 18:03

You couldn't possibly keep her safe at home from what you've said OP, that has to come above whether she will be miserable. It's hard because neither option is good here but there really is no choice, her safety has to come first. Nothing will stop you feeling guilty but you need to realise its guilt that you can't provide 'perfect', not guilt because it's the wrong choice. I hope you have someone to give you a hug and look after you tonight but in case you haven't here's a virtual hug and make sure you look after yourself, this is hard on you as well as your mum Flowers

FredaFrogspawn · 22/10/2020 18:04

Please don’t hate yourself. Keep monitoring the place and if you’re not happy with the care they give, keep looking for an alternative. But she can’t come home, and there’s nothing you can do about that bit.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 22/10/2020 18:05

Terrace58 it really is so shit. Flowers

OP posts:
Itsnotalwaysme · 22/10/2020 18:05

No advice just wanted to leave some well wishes Flowers

SunbathingDragon · 22/10/2020 18:07
Flowers

It’s not your responsibility or duty to look after her.

Mischance · 22/10/2020 18:08

When my OH became so ill, I, along with the rest of my family, made the painful decision to not treat his pneumonia because it was clear that any meaningful and happy life that he had once had was over. The medics and nurses all concurred with this.

It does sound as though the medics here are dragging this poor lady back from the brink, only to condemn her to a miserable life. Maybe this needs to be discussed with them.

You have stated that she will be miserable in a nursing home. You do not know that. It is tied up with your guilt. Honestly there is only so much you can do - I never dreamed that I would one day have to take these decisions on behalf of my OH and the guilt was mountainous to begin with, but it passed.

You have your life to lead and cannot carry all this around for all time. She is a very very sick woman and her care needs are beyond you - beyond anyone. Flowers

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