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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I couldn't hate myself anymore just now if i tried

148 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 22/10/2020 17:47

I visited my mum in hospital today, she is being discharged into a nursing home tomorrow.

She wants to go home, she thinks she is going home.

I feel like i have betrayed her.

She can't go home, i can't cope with her. If she goes home she will likely die.

She will however be MISERABLE in a nursing home that i havent even set foot in. It has terrible reviews but we have been searching for nearly two months and nowhere else would take her. She is a very difficult person and there are mental health issues alongside early dementia.

She was begging me, it has ripped my heart out but i still walked away - hate myself so much right now

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 22/10/2020 18:09

Don’t hate yourself OP. You have tried so hard for such a long time.
This is the best option now, the ONLY option. Yes she’ll be annoyed, and that’s ok. You’ve done enough.

FredaFrogspawn · 22/10/2020 18:09

It is her responsibility in a way and she’s rising to it by ensuring her mum is in a place where she’s safe. It’s the best thing for her mum so she is doing her duty. Not doing her duty would be to totally abandon her mum to her fate, which she’s not doing.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 22/10/2020 18:10

I said YABU for being so hard on yourself. Looking after someone with Alzheimer's is no easy task. You’re doing the right thing, it must be so very difficult for you with Covid restrictions making visiting etc complicated. Also, if she is very unhappy there you can look at moving her in the future. Best if luck for her move to the home.

windmill4865 · 22/10/2020 18:10

{flowers} poor you :( You are doing exactly the right thing and I send you a virtual hug and kiss xx

queenrollo · 22/10/2020 18:11

You say she is manipulative and abusive and yet you STILL have risen to the challenge of caring for her yourself and advocating for her care by others.
You are remarkable, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Toscata · 22/10/2020 18:14

You are absolutely doing the right thing, and you are amazing to have put so much effort into securing the best possible outcome in a shitty situation.

You may feel it's not a good outcome. But all the other outcomes are so much worse.

You feel she will be unhappy in the home, but, bluntly, it doesn't sound as though she would actually be happy anywhere.

In cases like this, it's all about damage limitation., and that's what you have managed to achieve. Obviously she won't be grateful... but she honestly should be.

CMOTDibbler · 22/10/2020 18:16

An uncaring daughter would let her mum who can't make good choices for herself keep putting herself at risk. I always think of it like how toddlers rage and scream at us for not letting them have a diet solely of sweets, run in the road, and wear just their pants in the snow - we keep them safe and healthy, even when they don't want to - and its just the same for our parents who can't keep themselves safe.
Big hugs to you though, even when you know its right, it's so hard

Asterion · 22/10/2020 18:17

This is so tough on you, but you are doing the right thing - for both of you.

I bet she settles into her new home better than you are expecting.

Also, some of her symptoms sound like sodium valproate might be useful - a relative of mine suffered psychosis with his dementia, and it totally took away those symptoms.

Leaannb · 22/10/2020 18:18

@TheoriginalLEM

Terrace58 it really is so shit. Flowers
Hugs...You are absolutely doing the right thing. Its horrible that she is being placed somewhere with bad reveiws. Are these reviews from family members who have been placed or are they CQC? Sometimes private reviews aren't always the most reliable.
MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/10/2020 18:20

I voted YABU as in you shouldn't be hating yourself... you are doing the right thing Flowers

AintPageantMaterial · 22/10/2020 18:20

She won’t be happier (but it does sound as though perfect nothing could make her happy). She WILL be safer.

Coughsyrupsucks · 22/10/2020 18:21

Flowers It sounds like home is dangerous for her and she has complex care needs. You are doing the best you can for her, you are advocating for her and making sure she gets the right level of care. You are a good daughter, be kind to yourself.

Mulhollandmagoo · 22/10/2020 18:21

I remember one of your other threads OP! You've been through so so much with your mum, and you've fought so hard for her, at the expense of your own and your families lives ❤️ this is the right thing to do, for both you and your mum so don't beat yourself up anymore lots of love

Pollypockett23 · 22/10/2020 18:21

Oh OP! SadBrew

Trust your gut. It's a huge decision. Hope you're ok!

justgeton · 22/10/2020 18:22

I've been through this and out the other side.

It's bloody hard... one of the most stressful and upsetting experiences of life so far. Be kind to yourself.

When in the future you look back, you will find some comfort in knowing you did your best for her, with her best interests at heart.

In the meantime you have my heartfelt sympathy.

WineGummyBear · 22/10/2020 18:24

You have done what you can.

This isn't only the right option. It's the only one.

Please give yourself a break. You are doing your best in an impossible situation.

RiseOwl · 22/10/2020 18:27

You poor thing 😥
That sounds so heart breaking.

Xx

Rosebyanothername19 · 22/10/2020 18:27

My Gran was very similar. Although she was a lovely person before dementia hit (or possibly just a doting grandmother?!) When she had to go into a care home we told her it was just for a few weeks until we could get something sorted for her and to look at it like a holiday. She wasn't happy about it but thinking it was short term helped her to get in and get settled for a bit. She still says sometimes says she's had a nice holiday but would like to go home but she has been in care for about 4 years now and has quite advanced dementia so we just say OK we will get something sorted and then she forgets! My gran also sometimes says its boring and they never do anything and no one speaks to her but the regular pictures we get sent tell a different story. Good luck OP. You are definitely doing the right thing! Please don't be hard on yourself. You are ultimately doing what is best for her, even if she can't see it! X

Staffy1 · 22/10/2020 18:30

Oh OP, I don't know what to say, just my heart goes out to you and your mum. Flowers

FippertyGibbett · 22/10/2020 18:30

We have a relative similar to your mum who should be in a home for their own safety, but no one will help. GP, SS, carers all involved.
Be glad that she is going in a home , I wish I was at that point.
You deserve a life without the stress and she will settle in .

Lollypop701 · 22/10/2020 18:31

We put mil in a care home... she came round to it and it worked out. Never thought it would. The situation is not your fault, please try to remember this!

Maisieme · 22/10/2020 18:34

Oh I do sympathise. When we had to put my dear father in a home I walked around Sainsbury’s buying things he would need with tears streaming down my face. I’ve never cried in public and even now 12 years later I can feel myself welling up at the memory. It feels such a betrayal. But it has to be done....It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 22/10/2020 18:38

@Mischance thankyou for sharing. That must have been so difficult.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 22/10/2020 18:38

For previous threads you've been a fantastic support to your DM throughout her life. I know it hasn't been easy.
It is hard to walk away she will be okay, your life is important too.
I'm sorry you're upset, fingers crossed she'll settle quickly, you might be surprised. Flowers

Candleabra · 22/10/2020 18:38

Hardest decision ever. It's definitely the least worst option rather than the best. But it's unfortunately the only option.
I found it helped to reframe my anger, sadness and frustration at the illness, not mum (or me). It truly was one of the worst days of my life, taking mum to the care home. But it was the only choice. She settled very quickly.