I couldn't hate myself anymore just now if i tried

[TheoriginalLEM]

I visited my mum in hospital today, she is being discharged into a nursing home tomorrow.

She wants to go home, she thinks she is going home.

I feel like i have betrayed her.

She can't go home, i can't cope with her. If she goes home she will likely die.

She will however be MISERABLE in a nursing home that i havent even set foot in. It has terrible reviews but we have been searching for nearly two months and nowhere else would take her. She is a very difficult person and there are mental health issues alongside early dementia.

She was begging me, it has ripped my heart out but i still walked away - hate myself so much right now

I tried to look after my mum at home for 3 years whilst her Alzheimer’s was progressing . Unwittingly and with the best of intentions , l put her in danger 😢 she ended up attacking me and falling , breaking her knee which then led to her going to hospital, and straight into residential care. She made me swear all her life that l’d never send to a care home and l feel awful about that. But her lack of understanding means that every time she asked to go home l could say “ as soon as your knee gets better mum “ it’s been hard , but ask yourself whether she was safe and happy and try to accept that you had no choice. With regards to the home , just go as much as you can and “ moan a bit “ so the staff know you’re “on it “ ....even to the extent l pick her glasses up and ask when they were lady cleaned . You can always contact the quality care commission if you have any serious concerns . Best of luck and be kind to yourself .

You have made the right decision op. My Dad point blank refused to go into a care home. We were all too scared to force him. He passed away 3 weeks ago on his bathroom floor, no idea how long he was there or how he suffered before he went.

You cannot prevent the passing of elderly loved ones, but you can make it more comfortable and dignified at the end

“Last cleaned * not lady

I'm so sorry for you OP, and your poor mum. Its not an easy situation for either of you.
YABU to hate yourself though.
Look at it this way, you can't cope and she can't cope in her own home anymore and could damage herself.
You may find its a huge relief if she is somewhere where they have the facilities to look after her properly and keep her safe. I know relatives in a similar situation, who was so stressed out by trying to struggle on at home and had a chance to rest and relax when they were finally admitted. Its never ideal to have to leave your home but it is better that she is safe and well fed, rather than struggling.

I've some similar experience, and you've done everything you can. Now you've had to make such a hard choice and take the only option that will keep her safe. I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you.

I can remember you posting about your mum before. You have done your best throughout this really difficult situation.

Please be kind to yourself. [ thanks]

I remember quite a few posts about your mum. All I can say is you poor poor thing, you've been through the absolute wringer. You have no reason at all to feel shit, there's nothing else you could have done, but I totally understand why you do anyway.

You don't know that she will hate it there.
I've often seen people adamant that they are not going into a home - family must look after them (it's never people who have looked after their own parents).
Then they turn out to love the care home - warm, lots going on, puddings, friendly faces.
It often gives them a new lease of life, I've seen it happen time and time again.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but you are doing the best you can. There is nothing more you can do, and it is the best decision. The hardest, but the best.

Sending you a hug and

It's so hard and awful, but your Mum needs professional care. She needs consistency. You need the knowledge that she is safe and her needs are met. Then you can be her daughter again, who visits her and gives her love.

It's OK. Really it is. You are doing the absolute best for your mum that you can under difficult circumstances. I say this as someone who had to care for my grandfather who sounds much like your mum.

He had dementia and was a former alcoholic. He fell frequently but wouldn't use the walker that we and his occupational therapist begged him too. She even physically took (with our permission) his stick as he just wasnt safe with it and needed the walker as it required both hands to keep stable. He was abusive and manipulative and would beg us to do things that he really thought we should that were against what was best for him - like getting him out of bed in hospital when he no longer had the use of his legs and would keep fighting us (physically) to get up, begging for more medication (he'd take the 8 paracetomal the doctor prescribed then want 8 of his own. he even at one point stashed them in his glasses case after pretending to take them when given them by his carers/us)

The home carers came 3 times a day to give us a bit of a break but it still wasn't much good as we were still there 24/7 it felt like as he would fall during the night or lay on his call bell and not hear them ringing him to see if he was alright.

He had always been a violent and emotionally/phsyically abusive as well and dementia was no difference. He was sweet as pie to all nurses/doctors/carers and awful to us until approx 2 years before the end and he was then horrible to everyone.

It just wasn't safe for him to be at home anymore as much as he tried to fight it. He'd made both myself and my mum incredibly ill after 16 years of looking after him and ran us into the ground.

And this was without a pandemic.

Sorry for the word vomit above - it felt a bit cathartic to get it out and hopefully it shows you're not alone and that it will be ok. Sometimes they revert to being like children and you have to be the parent and do whats best - that's what you're doing. Take a break, have a cup of tea and don't beat yourself up :)

Please please accept that you have made the right decision. You have weighed up the risks and you know that she will be safer in a care home. Your mum is unable to think logically or understand her own needs because of her dementia. She may rant and rave at you and say the most appalling things but remember that she cannot process her inability to care for herself. My own mum spent her last year in a care home and it was the best thing for her. She came to think it was a lovely safe place. It's so hard for you because you have not been able to visit so you will have to put your faith in the manager and carers. I am not ashamed to say that it was a relief for me to relinquish some of my responsibilities and not have to deal with the day to day aggro. I hope all goes well and you get some much needed respite from everything.

@TheoriginalLEM you are doing your best. It may not feel as though you are, but trust that you are trying and doing your best - for your mum, for yourself and the rest of the family.

Your mother's needs are not the only factor here, you do still need to care for yourself. That's not to say it's your desires over hers, more that both sets of needs have to be balanced. You might feel guilty and that compromises have been made, but know that it is beyond your capabilities to look after her (because no one can watch over someone else 24/7) and given her needs, a home will be the best option.

It is not a betrayal. We rarely know how we will age and what our needs will be, we can only trust that our loved ones do their best for us when our time comes - which is what you're doing

@Terrace58

I fear I may be in the same position soon. I can’t care for my aging parent for a myriad of reasons and I know he will be furious at facing institutional care.

it's awful but you have to remember it's not your fault he's old he's old because our bodies deteriorate over time, he wants you to somehow compensate him for his incapacity but you cant and it doesnt make sense to sacrifice your wellbeing for him

You made the right decision, but it must be so hard and is a time I am not looking forward to with my parents.

I'm sending virtual hugs, hoping that your mother will be OK. Please don't hate yourself. Sometimes there are no good choices. Life is difficult.

We had similar with my mum. We had the choice of two care homes. One was rated 'good', the other was in special measures. We went to see the 'good' one. Oh my God. It had mid blue walls which sucked all the light out of the place. The dining room was right next to the lounge area so the noise was unbelievable as the residents had to have a set sitting (dining room too small for the number of residents) so there was constant moving around and the residents just looked miserable - not hurt or anything, just not happy.

So we went to see the special measures one. Smiling residents, two lounges, a separate dining room which could seat all the residents at one sitting, light and bright colours (mum loved the light - she was a 'get as much sunlight in as you can' type of person). The special measures turned out to be slip ups in paper work. The owner was onto it and had got a temporary manager, promoting one of the staff who was being mentored.

Three years later we'd see mum joking with some of the carers, she'd have her nails painted and show them off when we came to see her. She'd moan incessantly about the other residents but adored the care team. She was well looked after, they'd notice if her blood glucose level seemed off (she was diabetic) just by her behaviour and would get it tested immediately. The staff were amazing. And they came out of special measures. So do check what the issues are. Homes are measured on many things and what is sometimes an issue for some people, is absolutely fine for others. I know paper work is important but mum being treated as a human being, with dignity and care was all that mattered to me.

Like you, I used to dread the phone ringing when mum was at home because it would mean a dash to wait for an ambulance with her (at least twice at 3am) or to talk to the police because she'd 'seen' someone in the flat (it turned out to be a coat which her mind had made into a person - but she'd called the police as she was convinced it was a person).

Don't underestimate the conflict you will feel. But she is in the best place. Keep an eye on her, ask questions if you're not happy, you can move her if you feel she needs to be elsewhere depending on funding etc.

And don't beat yourself up. No one likes to put a relative into a home. But the alternative is pain, fear and prolonged hospital stays if the person has a fall or simply can't cope at home any more. You're certainly not a bad person for saving her from that. You've done the right thing.

@Isadora2007

I’ve said yabu to judge yourself so harshly. How would putting yourself into a position where you couldn’t cope and provide for her help her? It wouldn’t. The reality is there is no happily ever after scenario for your mum sadly and this is the best of a bad set of options at this point. Sometimes that’s all you can do.

I voted YABU for the same reason. Be kinder to yourself, you can only do your best and you matter too

Please don’t hate yourself,I had to do exactly the same,worst day of my life the day my Mum went into the care home but also the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders.She settled immediately and thought it was her house (Alzheimer’s) so it was all for the best.Big hugs.

The only suggestion I have, coming from personal experience, is to engage an independent social worker. The one we had was wonderful, he met her and assessed where she would suit, recommended two places he thought would be good for her. The first one had a vacancy and they came to visit her and she liked them which was amazing as she'd assaulted a manager from another home that came to assess her.

They have been wonderful, she still has the same named carer 3 years on. She is contrary and difficult and they have had issues but they are wonderful with her, and God knows the young male carers get sexual harassment you wouldn't believe.

It cost a few hundred but it was worth it. Just the fact that he actually took her to the home was a massive relief as I know I couldn't do it and the council social worker could only suggest sending the men with white coats to forcibly move her. The ISW charmed her into it. God bless him.

Please don’t hate yourself,I had to do exactly the same,worst day of my life the day my Mum went into the care home but also the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders.She settled immediately and thought it was her house (Alzheimer’s) so it was all for the best.Big hugs. My aunt decided she was a member of staff, doing all the cooking and paperwork. The manager used to let her sit in her office with her, she really thought she was running it. She has deteriorated, just one of those things with dementia, so has relinquished her role and is happy to be looked after.

Don't hate yourself OP. I know it's hard from experience, but I know my mum is in a safe place with help on hand 24 hours a day, as will yours be. I couldn't have given her that any other way and although it won't make you feel better, it will mean she is properly looked after.

I've had to do the same twice , it is the most awful feeling and the guilt is tremendous , I can't say anything to make it feel better . It's unfortunatly sometimes the only choice , but it does affect your mental health so be kind to yourself x

@TheoriginalLEM you have been dealing with her for years and years and second guessing everything you do because nothing is ever good enough (for her). please listen to everyone here saying it is

You cannot do more, you are doing the right thing!

I also voted YABU to be so hard on yourself. Anyone, who knows you on here LEM knows you are a compassionate and loving person.