I couldn't hate myself anymore just now if i tried

[TheoriginalLEM]

I visited my mum in hospital today, she is being discharged into a nursing home tomorrow.

She wants to go home, she thinks she is going home.

I feel like i have betrayed her.

She can't go home, i can't cope with her. If she goes home she will likely die.

She will however be MISERABLE in a nursing home that i havent even set foot in. It has terrible reviews but we have been searching for nearly two months and nowhere else would take her. She is a very difficult person and there are mental health issues alongside early dementia.

She was begging me, it has ripped my heart out but i still walked away - hate myself so much right now

Oh, what an impossible choice. I'm so sorry. No advice, just that. I really feel for you.

please love yourself. You have done your best . You are doing the best for her by letting her go into a home where she will get the care she needs.
There is nothing wrong with homes. Sadly some get a bad name
I know only too well what it is like. You should not feel guilty or bad in any way. Sending good wishes. Treat yourself and be kind to yourself. Some things cannot be helped and she will get proper care by those able to so do and who have aids to help
C x

I know how this feels. My DM refused to eat or drink and was repeatedly in and out of hospital with various health issues and dementia. We too tried carers but she just kept going downhill. I was torn in two as I work (part-time but demanding), my DF was also at end of life (in a nursing home but it suited him well and he had enormous care needs), and I have my two pre-teen children too. Couldn't even go for a weekend away an hour away or a meal out without a crisis happening for over 3 years.
DM desperately didn't want to go to a nursing home even though it was same one as DF. She asked me to give up work and she wanted to PAY me to look after her. This was completely impractical for many reasons but was heartbreaking to decline as she was the most selfless and loving mum. I also firmly believed she was dying as she wanted that - she wasn't suicidal as such but rather had made the decision that her health was gone, her beloved DH (my DF) was almost gone and she was ready to go and welcomed the end. No way could I have watched her starve herself to death but when I tried to coax her to eat she clamped her mouth shut.
She went to a nursing home and she died less than 3 weeks later. I know that doesn't sound helpful but it was what she wanted and she hastened her end.
I still can't bear to think that I had to decline her request to look after her. Had I known it would be only 3 weeks, I could have moved out of my family home to look after her but she needed complete supervision as she suffered delirium and it just wasn't possible - even nipping out to visit DF, get shopping, see my DC or collect them from school would have been a risk.
I still feel in my heart I let her down but in my head I know I couldn't do what she wanted and those seem like tough decisions but really there's no other option. I also hoped that being with DF and round the clock care might turn her situation around but I was wrong.
Don't be hard on yourself. It's a horrid situation. Also know that often when care homes get bad reviews they're working hard to change that. You might well find that she makes buddies there and likes it more than you expect.

I visit care home residents for work, homes go up and down the rating scales like you would not believe but the residents care isn’t as awful as the reviews make out. Every home has that one resident whose family make it their life’s work to complain about everything they can but strangely leave their relative at that home.

OP

You’ve taken the least worse option, in far from ideal circumstances- so it’s not what you want but it is is the best thing for all of you. And your mum in particular. There is not much more you can do- you are doing your best which is all anyone can ask of you. Be kind to yourself.

This is never a nice decision to make and I have so much sympathy for you. My parents went through this with my Grandma, they had to accept a place they weren't 100% happy with as a) it was better than hospital or home and b) it had a dementia unit. What they did though was once she had moved in they went to every suitable care home they could find, put her name down on a waiting list for two that they really liked and she moved to one of those within about 2 months.
A specialist team of people is so much better for everyone, I know my Grandma was much happier once she had other people to talk to all the time. Please don't feel bad for having to make this decision and remember that it's because you care that it feels horrible to have to make it.

I can understand how you feel, but your mum will have her basic needs met by the nursing home, and when restrictions on visiting ease, you can go and see her, take her nice treats, take her out for coffee, and rebuild some kind of relationship with her.

Try not to feel guilty and please stop hating yourself. You have done what is best for your mum, and that is ensuring she is safe, has her medication, gets regular meals, helped with washing and dressing etc etc

Be kind to yourself

@SunbathingDragon

It’s not your responsibility or duty to look after her.

........... I work for the NHS and I wish I could say what I really feel about that comment.

No advice op but you’re doing the best you can , please be kind to yourself in this difficult situation . I can’t even imagine x

LEM, having followed your story over the past few years, it is not possible for you to continue to care for her at home, and neither can the carers care for her at home, that's been tried and unfortunately as you know, your mother comes off her meds, has psychotic episodes, gets sick from her other illnesses and becomes unmanageable and very distressed. I also seem to remember she starved herself once.

She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your amazing persistence, and your care of her- you have stepped up when it matters and are making sure that despite everything, and despite the fact she has not cared for you in the same way, that she is safe, will have medication and will eat. You have done a good thing and you must stop beating yourself up about it. Yes, she won't be happy, but she wasn't happy before, in fact she's never been happy ever since you have written about her. You are making sure she has medical care and is safe- well done for taking this action. Look after yourself, it may be that now the day to day caring is done, you are exhausted yourself for a few months. Hugs to you.

........... I work for the NHS and I wish I could say what I really feel about that comment.

So do I am it’s why I said it. Too many people are burdened and struggle with so much guilt as a result of the expectation they put upon themselves. At the same time, too many entitled people expect what is unreasonable to be given.

When a person has dementia they often don't know what the best thing for them is and so they have to rely on a family member to do that for them. It sounds like that's the situation with your Mum really

She's very lucky that you are able to arrange a nursing home for her even if it's one you haven't seen, hard though it is. I had to do the same thing and choose a nursing home based on information from hospital staff as I wasn't able to go and see it myself so I know it's really hard but you are doing it with her best interests at heart. It wouldn't be right for her to have her live with you as it wouldn't be the support that she needs.

You are doing the right thing. shes got early dementia, and clearly cant look after herself in her own home.

@TheoriginalLEM

We had this over 20 years ago with my FIL. He had a stroke and went senile overnight. It was horrendous. He had to go into care -there was no other option. He lived alone and we were advised by the professionals not to take him into our homes, as he would drive us into an early grave.

You haven't betrayed your mum. She can't go home. Her needs are too complex for one person to care for her safely. She needs 24 hour care and one person on their own can't do that. It is just not possible. For one thing you have to sleep!

Nursing homes have teams of staff who work a shift, then go home to their own lives and families. They can switch off until the next shift. If you try and do it it will be relentless and unsustainable. You have made a very difficult decision but it is the right one.

Thank you so much for all of the kind words. to those who have found themselves in similar position.

The CQC assesment was far from ideal but having now spoken to two members of staff at the hone im reassured.

I so wish that it hadnt come to this but it is long overdue i know. My mum had no quality of life at home and i often made things worse with mum rather than calm her. I am praying that there are snippets of happiness for her. She can be an absolutely bitch but she was a good mum when she was able. On reflection, she has been unwell for a very long time. Care in the community is woeful, that is no reflection on those providing the care but a damning indictment of a system that brushes mental.health under the carpet.

My DP bought me roses and red wine, i may have drunk a fair amount

My DM was in her 50s when she made it clear that she wanted to go to a care home when the time again. She wanted us to remember that no matter how much she may complain when the time came through ill health, fear, denial that she did not want us to be her carer. It’s a conversation I have had with my oldest DCs, especially in the unfortunate event of dementia.

I’ve said yabu to judge yourself so harshly. How would putting yourself into a position where you couldn’t cope and provide for her help her? It wouldn’t. The reality is there is no happily ever after scenario for your mum sadly and this is the best of a bad set of options at this point. Sometimes that’s all you can do.

• this exactly.

She'll be somewhere where she isn't alone and if she needs help she'll get it. There is always a trained nurse on shift who can evaluate what she needs and put care plans in place. You're doing your best and sometimes it doesn't feel enough but it really is in this instance.

You have done everything you can physically and mentally do to help and this is the very best scenario for someone with your Mum's very complex needs.

Don't feel guilty for keeping her safe.

YABU for feeling bad about this. You really have no other choice, she needs a lot of care and it sounds as though life has been a living hell with her being at home. I was very fortunate that when I had to make the same decision for my mother she took it very well, but I have heard so many stories like yours - you certainly won't be alone in feeling like this. Try to be kind to yourself, and stop feeling guilty - you are doing this to try and help her, not out of unkindness. Keep telling yourself that she is not the mother you used to have, this is a different phase of her life, and try not to be upset by anything she says.

Hugs OP

One of my very close friends was faced with the same situation with her Father a couple of years ago. He had dementia, her elderly Mother couldn't take care of him. My friend and all of her siblings worked and couldn't offer much help.

He was put in a shit home where the staff were uncaring and lazy, there was mouse droppings in his room and his clothes (which had name labels in them) kept going missing.

It's an awful position for you to be in. I just wanted you to know that you're not the first who's had to make such a heartbreaking decision.

Sending you huge hugs and love and strength xxx

I said YANBU in the sense that you must do what's best for all of you and that seems to be a care home for all the reasons you stated.

All my life my mum told me and my siblings to put her in a home and not to "ruin" our lives lookafter her even when it was years and years away.
She had a major stroke in January 2018 and eventually managed to come home with carers. Over time she became frailer and failed and kept falling, in the end my sister and I decided we couldn't do it anymore.
I had the conversation with her about it, she sobbed and pleaded with me not to do it, I will never forget it as long as I live and try not to think about it as it would haunt me if I let it.

In the end due to Covid she died before it could be arranged and I suspect hastened her end. However bad I felt we had to do it and my pre stroke mum would have agreed. I've now told my DC to ignore me if I do the same.

@Boulshired - what a sensible mother you have. We had an elderly friend who admitted herself to a care home when the time had come for the same reason.