I couldn't hate myself anymore just now if i tried

[TheoriginalLEM]

I visited my mum in hospital today, she is being discharged into a nursing home tomorrow.

She wants to go home, she thinks she is going home.

I feel like i have betrayed her.

She can't go home, i can't cope with her. If she goes home she will likely die.

She will however be MISERABLE in a nursing home that i havent even set foot in. It has terrible reviews but we have been searching for nearly two months and nowhere else would take her. She is a very difficult person and there are mental health issues alongside early dementia.

She was begging me, it has ripped my heart out but i still walked away - hate myself so much right now

Doing the right thing, even if it feels wrong at the time, is always the hardest thing to do.

She is lucky to have a daughter that cares so much.

Oh LEM... I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad about this terrible situation... You were so kind to me on another thread.. Just wanted to send you a virtual hug and some kindness back... X

OP I did this to my mum a few years ago. The guilt was huge and I knew the home I chose wasn’t the best but she needed out of the hospital and I couldn’t get anywhere else. Long story short, after a year she had an accident in the home and died as a direct result.

So, you mustn’t feel guilty about not being able to manage her. I think I would have abused my mum if she had had to live with me. She was very hard work with the dementia and it is hard going, relentless with almost no moments of clarity and happiness. I also didn’t want my children’s home to be anything other than a peaceful haven and she would have upset that enormously because she was so unpredictable and prone to lashing out.

However, if your gut is telling you the home is wrong, keep looking. Get her put on the waiting list of homes you do like - things can change very fast, sadly, but that can be to your advantage. I resisted moving my mum because I thought it would upset her but the reality is that she wouldn’t really have known and she might have had a better time of it in a better place. And she might have lived longer. Who knows?

It is very hard. Be kind to yourself.

I've there's one thing I've learned from these threads I will never ask my DC to promise not to put me in a home.
With my mam she'd say "I'm so scared of dying what if I was alone"
She did go alone it leaves a hard heart.
I'm going to tell mine if I live long enough I'd enjoy the home and face death like a lioness as long as they're reassured.
We do take on the role of the parent with the parent it is tough.
I hope you feeling better LEM you're doing the right thing.

YABU It's an impossible situation. Love yourself and be kind to yourself. I've been through it too. It's heartbreaking but it's not your fault. Just don't beat yourself up. This is exactly the time to care for yourself the most. Just visit your mum as much as you can. It's all you can do ❤️

@dudsville

The only reason this hurts so much is because you care so much. I know that's cold comfort, but she's loved and you're doing what's best for her.

Hi: I'm sorry this is away from the thread but your phrase 'cold comfort' really resonated with me for a situation I am dealing with and having a word for it has really helped me so Thank You. You've helped someone today even if it was unintentional!

You cannot move her to a home with bad reviews. That is what is causing your anguish. If it was a home with glowing reports, your mind would be at peace with your decision.

Can you leave her in hospital until you find a better home for her? Can you supplement the cost of a better one. Do you have any siblings who could help you search? Can you rent out her home/put it on the market to pay for a good private home?

You wouldn't put your child into a boarding school with terrible reviews even if it was the only school available. Don't subject your mother to it. Keep looking. There must be a better place available, it might not be convenient, it might cost more but it will be better, you will rest assured that your mother is being well taken care of and you will have peace of mind in your decision.

@Boulshired
My parents said the same in their 50s, 60s and 70s. Now in their 80s, they no longer feel the same and want to stay in their own home, together, with no-one external to the family coming in. No crisis yet, but it can only be a matter of time.

You’re not alone in this OP. You have done the right thing for your mum.

We had to take the decision to put mum in a care home in January. She was seeing long dead friends & relatives and didn’t know where they were all staying in her house, wouldn’t go to bed because the invisible visitors were sleeping in her bed and it would be rude to turf them out. DSis and I were providing meals on wheels, getting her to appointments. She had carers twice a day, it wasn’t enough but she refused more help. She would put things in bags, spoons with bank statements, books, catalogues etc., lose letters and forget to pay bills.

We took her to the care home, she signed in voluntarily, thinking she was in for a few days to give us some respite. We’ve not taken her home again because she refuses live-in care. She’s absolutely in the best place for her, still seeing dead people, telling us that she’s been to London (in lockdown so she absolutely hasn’t).

We have the guilt but the care home was such a weight off, no more wondering if tonight would be the night she’d go out wandering and get lost.

All you can do is your best. No one can do miracles. All you can do is to try to visit her or send her things as often as you can. When my Aunty was in a home with early dementia she loved getting postcards from people she loved. It made her know she was not forgotten and I went to see her about once every 8 weeks as 350 mile round trip.

and more . So difficult for you, but you know the old addage about putting your own oxygen mask on first.

My nanna went into a nursing home at the end of her life. She had lost control of her bladder and refused to wear any form of pads or have them on her chair so she was weeing everywhere and the house stank. The bed was wet and the carpets in her bedroom were soaked in wee.

She lived with my dad and as she became more and more incontinent - not reaching the loo in time and sometimes falling over, he could not cope. She was housebound by now and the living situation got worse and worse. She had an enlarged heart and her legs swelled up so she could not wear shoes.

In the end my dad had a heart attack and she went into a home for respite care.

Dad and I visited her all the time. She hated it. She said had nothing in common with the other residents and so she stayed in her room all the time.

It was awful seeing this wonderful woman in that place and she died there.

I used to beat myself up for not having her at my home but the reality was she needed round the clock care, and the home provided all of that plus they took care of her meds as well.

One thing I would say is she was always unhappy when we visited but the staff said she was quite happy watching her TV and ate all her meals.

op, this must be literally heartbreaking, I am so so so sorry.

you cannot care for her... you are not a medically trained professional, you could not handle it and for her it could potentially be life threatening. You are doing the right thing for everyone.

I really feel for you as I have been in a very similar position in fact still going through it. You have to do what is right for both of you. It sounds as if you have done the best you can for your mum. Of course you mum is going to feel sad and blame you but stand firm I am sure she will be fine.

That's awful. Op I'm so sorry.

@thismustbelove - if only it were that simple!
we have been looking for two months, the hospital want her bed!

There is no one to help, its just me, i work long hours plus have a yr 11 dd at home that the government are busy fucking up her gcses

The top up fees for the 'better' homes are more than i earn and my mum lives in a council house. This however is irrelevant as the council will top up fees if no alternative is found. This home is over budget by £700 a WEEK and the council are paying that.

So all of your suggestions are moot.

This home is the last one of at least 20 homes that we approached. None of the others, sone of which must have beem the actual ritz according to their pricing would accept mum due to her behaviour.

Hospital is not good for mum, she is more distressed there and they cannot cope with her so i had very litte if any choice

Actually her behaviour might settle down considerably once she’s in a home.

I have a tonne of personal and professional experience of this.
You are doing the right thing and the only thing you can do.

It's true that some people are nearly unplaceable in a care home and we cannot keep them in a hospital bed forever. In my view CQC reports are no more accurate than Ofsted. They go out of date quickly and rely on paperwork a lot. Expensive care homes aren't necessarily better than cheaper ones especially for challenging behaviour. Some spend all their money on the decor and won't care for people who are 'difficult'. It may very well be that this place is in fact the right one.
You can only try.

Remember that settling in will likely be hard so give it a few weeks before making a final judgement.

I have also resolved never to say to my kids 'don't put me in a home' My granny said it to my dad and he had tremendous guilt about doing it but in hindsight wished he'd done it years before. At home she cried every day as she was so lonely and forgot people had visited within minutes of them coming. She was happy as Larry in the care home thinking it was her own place with people around all the time. She did not know what she needed and it was our duty to take a decision in her best interests not just do as she said.
You have to take this decision for her and you are doing the right thing.

OP, you are doing the right thing. You know it is. Just continue to be there for her as much as you can. Hopefully she will settle and make the home her new home.

I am however shocked at the attitude of some posters. So many posts every single day about feeling anxious and how it ruins one's life and posters given ample sympathy, yet some here seems to think the eldest anxiety should be minimised and ignored. You better hope this never becomes you.

As we get older, our ability to cope with anxiety gets reduced and our fears become much more acute. We don't stop suffering the effect of fear because we are older and not as mentally sharp, it's the other way around, it becomes more and more painful.

Its easy to say that you'll want to be sent to care home when your older when you say so based in your current emotions and mental health. At an age when moving home is not that a big deal because you know you have the skills to adapt wherever you go. As we get older, we become more and more attached to what we are familiar with and our home are our sanctuary.

It's inevitable that a time might come that we'll need to move to a nursing/care home but to think that this what we might be happy with in later life just to unburden our children is very near slightness.

I really hope I'll never feel like this, but I accept that I too might one day be a mum clinging on to my kids not to go in a home. It could all be us one day.

@Enoughnowstop

OP I did this to my mum a few years ago. The guilt was huge and I knew the home I chose wasn’t the best but she needed out of the hospital and I couldn’t get anywhere else. Long story short, after a year she had an accident in the home and died as a direct result.

So, you mustn’t feel guilty about not being able to manage her. I think I would have abused my mum if she had had to live with me. She was very hard work with the dementia and it is hard going, relentless with almost no moments of clarity and happiness. I also didn’t want my children’s home to be anything other than a peaceful haven and she would have upset that enormously because she was so unpredictable and prone to lashing out.

However, if your gut is telling you the home is wrong, keep looking. Get her put on the waiting list of homes you do like - things can change very fast, sadly, but that can be to your advantage. I resisted moving my mum because I thought it would upset her but the reality is that she wouldn’t really have known and she might have had a better time of it in a better place. And she might have lived longer. Who knows?

It is very hard. Be kind to yourself.

You didn't do it to your mum, you did it for your mum. There's a huge difference

Yanbu

So MIL became ill and was in and out of hospital. She wasn’t coping at home because FIL had passed away and did everything for her for years, she just didn’t want to do those things (this had been an issue since her 40s).
BIL pushes for her to go home, says he will help. Except he doesn’t, at all. The care package the council provided was based on BIL helping. He tried to force DH to do it all (we live 350 miles away) and he was there every weekend but he couldn’t do much more.
So she died. She wasn’t eating/drinking/ taking meds properly when DH wasn’t there. But BIL got his 50% of her home which hadn’t been spent on care home fees!
DHs greatest regret is she didn’t go into a home. I don’t think she would have lasted but the whole thing would have been more pleasant.

[quote Scarby9]@Boulshired
My parents said the same in their 50s, 60s and 70s. Now in their 80s, they no longer feel the same and want to stay in their own home, together, with no-one external to the family coming in. No crisis yet, but it can only be a matter of time.[/quote]
This sounds like some sort of folie a deux😳

@Sarahsah4r4
My mum now has dementia and does not like / cannot cope with change. She is scared.
My dad is caring for them both and a) just wants her to be happy so won't do things that might upset her and b) I think sees it as his marital and family responsibility to do it himself.
He is doing a phenomenal job but the strain shows and, as I say, it can only be a matter of time.

No advise but just want to say you are doing the best for your mum, dont blame yourself