To think lying about nationality is a red flag?

[Ribrabrob]

Newly dating somebody. He told me he was a certain nationality - even showed me on the map where he was from. He happened to come up on my suggested friends on Facebook (guess maybe our phones linked) and naturally I took a look at his profile. Different first name and he’s quite clearly a different nationality to what he told me.

Now the nationality he actually is, sadly has a bit of a negative reputation and so I can kind of understand why he would lie (don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he shouldn’t be proud of where he is from, but I can just see where he is perhaps coming from with lying). The nationality he told me actually is is probably quite similar in their culture, way of life etc.

I won’t be disclosing the nationalities as I don’t want to make this thread about that - what concerns me is the lying. Aibu to see this as a red flag and get rid? Would I be silly to continue? After all, what else could he lie about? Obviously I will talk to him but want to know if I’d be silly continuing see him.

Shame as he ticks all the other boxes of what I’m looking for and want and we seem (seemed?) very much on the same page in relation to goals etc.

@theyoungishman

I bet he's Albanian. My husband is a Kosovar Albanian, it can be confusing. Please tell us the nationality, I'm so nosy!

Another perfect example!

I agree- I think we need to know the nationalities as there could EASILY be a perfectly reasonable explanation.

@PleasantVille

"i'm struggling to think of any nationality which has such a terrible reputation that it either derail the thread or justify lying"

The OP hasn't said what culture she is from, there are deep divisions across Africa. My Nigerian friends suffer the comments of 'all Nigerians are scammers", especially from other Africans in up and coming states. I know people who don't like to say that they are from the Congo, because some people think it is all totally lawless/full of Elboa/disease. Many have gone to France quite young and consider themselves more French than African. Although people can be from the same state, they can be culturally different and don't identify themselves as where they were born.

It needs a conversation, but it is a red flag, especially as he went as far as to show the OP where he lived.

Lying is a red flag full stop, doesn’t matter what it’s about.

I have a false FB and Twitter name, both of which suggest another nationality.
For me, it’s a security issue not to have my real details on SM, and all my close contacts know this.
Until you ask him, you won’t know, but as PPs have said, there could be an entirely innocent and explicable reason for this. A red flag, yes, but only until you find out why...

Lol at all the posters claiming to be embarrassed about being British and that the British are hated by former colonial countries and so they have to pretend to be Irish or something...

I've lived in 4 different countries for work including in Asia and Africa and that's not been my experience at all.

A lot of people love the idea of the UK whether they've been here or not and people have always loved to tell me about their holidays to London, how their kids are going to study in the UK or about how much they love ManU or Arsenal etc.

All the middle class, pseudo-socialist faux shuddering on here pretending that the UK is suddenly akin to Nazi Germany..😂😂😂

But back the OP, I'd say challenge him about it. I am a cynical bastard so would assume the man is a liar and is trying to hide the fact that he is in the UK illegally but you need to ask him.

I worked with someone who talked of her Greek boyfriend - I heard she later married him. He was in fact an Albanian national who was born, raised and educated there but was ethnically Greek.

Like it or not Albania has a bad reputation and it would maybe put some people off in the early days of dating if he said he was Albanian.

Don't forget there's a lot of history/wars/false demarcation lines imposed on various countries, which has resulted in people being all over the place.

We need to know the nationality.

My family are German. One cousin in a relatively prominent public position was in a newspaper article saying his family were originally Dutch.

Very silly but I sort of see where he's coming from. It just isn't "cool" in any way to be German and some idiot still brings up the war 🙄

I worked with several Romanians who used a name in day to day life but had a totally different name on Facebook. It seems to be quite common. Most of them had their surname first online and then their first name where we'd have our surname on Facebook (sometimes a longer version which looked different from their first name)

@SynchroSwimmer

How about researching the “pretend country” on Google images and suchlike, places, the food, the culture, musicians, tv programmes, bands, major attractions and ask him about them?

“Oh, I have always wanted to try gazpacho / visit Sechesyi hot baths / Postojna cave complex / Berlin zoo / Zadar old town / what’s it really like?”.....and did you enjoy the xyz nearby? etc
“I read that the abc is really good, what did you think?”

Why on earth would you do all that?

Ask basic questions that he’ll know the answers to anyway, and look like a dick in the process?

I wouldn’t dump someone with a valid reason for lying about their nationality.

I would dump someone playing amateur Sherlock to catch me out instead of saying, “hey - how come you’re Bulgarian, but you have a Romanian name?”

Well, yes - the OP has said he's not Romanian: but given that she's also said she's not telling, it obviously remains possible that he's, er, Romanian.

I think he's Romanian, fwiw. Probably pretending he's Czech or something.

Off to do some 'pseudo-Socialist faux shuddering' whatever the fuck that is.

Even if he has understandable reasons for lying, this would still be a red flag for me, because it suggests he is not thinking of an honest, long term relationship in which you meet his family and friends (and inevitably discover the truth).

This would also make me suspicious about whether he really shares your views, values, ambitions etc, or is just agreeing with everything you say and telling you what you want to hear.

In general when people do this they are planning to hit and run rather than stick around.

I only read the first post and assume he might be eg Albanian pretending to be Italian. Have you seen his passport? Or he might have two nationalities or in the process of changing to one or a controversial one where people dispute things - a kurd - they have no whole nation of their own etc. or bits of Russia.

Lying is not acceptable. When I was dating I never lied about anything.

I have dual citizenship (acquired, not through birth) and use two different versions of my name. None of that is an intention to deceive. All my official documents are in my birth name but in my personal life I go by both.

But only by asking will you know for sure. I‘d be very wary of any lies at this stage.

My siblings and I all have dual nationality (and one of my sisters has 3). We refer to the nationality that makes most sense based on context or the person we're speaking to.

Different first name is not a red flag, I have a different name on FB too because I use a nickname, not my full name,luckily this did not discourage my partner when we met.

Eh I think the different name is more worrying. Would you not just ask him?

@THisbackwithavengeance

Lol at all the posters claiming to be embarrassed about being British and that the British are hated by former colonial countries and so they have to pretend to be Irish or something...

I've lived in 4 different countries for work including in Asia and Africa and that's not been my experience at all.

A lot of people love the idea of the UK whether they've been here or not and people have always loved to tell me about their holidays to London, how their kids are going to study in the UK or about how much they love ManU or Arsenal etc.

All the middle class, pseudo-socialist faux shuddering on here pretending that the UK is suddenly akin to Nazi Germany..😂😂😂

But back the OP, I'd say challenge him about it. I am a cynical bastard so would assume the man is a liar and is trying to hide the fact that he is in the UK illegally but you need to ask him.

Tbf that's because on the outside you are hiding quite well that UK is actually a poor country with not as good quality of life as it may appear to the outsiders. I got caught on that too😂

TheVangaurdSix
You deregistered your patient from the NHS because, after going on several dates with him, you found out he was an illegal immigrant?

Did I read that right?

WTH.

@CountryGirlAddCoffee

It really does matter where he comes from to be honest, just in terms of understanding why he may have lied. I don't want to give examples but there are many across the world in addition to those already posted. I would guess that half of all countries have a 'better' counterpart! I work with a lot of people who change their names to be more anglicised which is a real shame as many have beautiful (Asian or Arabic) names but feel they need to change them to 'fit in'. Some change their ethnicity or background for the same reasons and while I understand it, it's awful they feel that they need to do that as certainly in our industry it doesn't make a difference. The reality is people are discriminated against for so many things relating to heritage, race and religion and a name can sometimes put them in the midst of that shit so I can't blame them for trying to mitigate that. Even writing this makes me feel horrible that it is an actual thing in this country and age but it is undeniable in my opinion and I wouldn't discount someone who felt they had to do this. But it is important to know why before you disregard a relationship that may have otherwise been a gooer!

I think with some Asian cultures, the use of a Western personal name is more complicated than just trying to fit in. I've been reading about China's ancient history at the moment, and watching related videos. One video popped up that included a moment where one person says they have a Western name as Westerners calling a person by their Chinese name can sometimes lead to complications, as there's simply so much nuance in using names in China (and other Asian countries), and using a Western name sidesteps a lot of the issues with names.

I think you need more information.

I remember when the Bosnia was was still happening and a friends boyfriend was reluctant to say where he was from because people could quite negative. Same with an Albanian man I worked with (genuinely the nicest man you could ever meet) but he was aware of the attitude people had.

It might be ok. My neighbour is Malaysian by nationality (born there and lived there many years) but of Chinese heritage. She describes herself as "a Chinese woman" because that's how she identifies herself racially/culturally. If it's something like that, I think it's really plausible.

Isnt it usually lying a as bout being Italian but being Albanian/Romanian? Either way I wouldn't be too trusting of those ticked boxes. They could very well be more lies.

I won’t trust him.

I’m a real cocktail of a few European, mostly Central European, nationalities, but I have adopted one and am sticking with it.