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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL - WTF do we do?

380 replies

Pregernaught · 22/10/2020 07:44

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

OP posts:
MoonJelly · 22/10/2020 11:06

@janetmendoza

So you know she is mentally ill (which you describe as being ' a complete headcase') therefore you tell her to get the fuck out of your house. You sound despicable.
OP didn't tell her to get the fuck out of her house. Making things up in order to attack an OP could be characterised as sounding a bit despicable, don't you think?
GabsAlot · 22/10/2020 11:10

for the posters sticking up for mil go and read the other thread she has no boundaries

i think its time to lower the contact its only going to get worse once the baby is born

stretchedmarks · 22/10/2020 11:15

Don't know why you're having a tough time today, OP. She's batshit.

Change locks, reduce contact and DEFINITELY do not tell her your due date, when you're going into labour or potential baby names. She'll harass you for the info but you need to keep it private or she will ruin it. I'd literally not tell her baby was born until you've had some sleep and if that makes it a day later, so be it. Only say when you're happy for a visitor.

Oh, until then, always be "about to head out". If she comes over loads and you're never there or leave as soon as she arrives, she'll eventually start asking when you'll be home and not turning up whenever it suits.

You've got this, but you just need to consistently be unavailable until she learns.

ancientgran · 22/10/2020 11:15

It is about information not contact. The husband didn't need to tell his mother something that is personal information about his wife, did he check if the OP was comfortable with people knowing she'd had a bleed and was having a scan? He must have known it would upset his mother, lets face it if we are honest anyone is going to find it upsetting that someone has had this sort of scare and he knows his mother overreacts so why? Just why do it?

ancientgran · 22/10/2020 11:16

Change locks, reduce contact and DEFINITELY do not tell her your due date, when you're going into labour or potential baby names. She'll harass you for the info but you need to keep it private or she will ruin it. Well it is the husband who is feeding this so maybe the OP needs to have a chat with him about what is appropriate.

VinylDetective · 22/10/2020 11:19

She sounds completely bonkers and I think your first impulse is the correct one @Pregernaught. She needs help. The trouble is that she won’t get any unless and until she recognises that and asks for it. It’s complete rubbish for you.

I really wouldn’t let her have keys to my house nor would I tell her anything about the pregnancy or engage in any discussion about it. Answer her questions by saying everything’s fine or all’s well and refuse to be drawn any further.

I feel for you, it’s really sad for all of you, not least her because she’s destroying the thing that matters most to her.

ElevenSmiles · 22/10/2020 11:22

Well to begin with OP didn't say she barged in or grabbed her stomach that was MoonJELLY.

VinylDetective · 22/10/2020 11:24

@ElevenSmiles

Well to begin with OP didn't say she barged in or grabbed her stomach that was MoonJELLY.
30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach

From the OP for the hard of reading.

Osirus · 22/10/2020 11:26

@Frdd

You have a DH problem.

He needs to stop giving her details.

No, she doesn’t.

You can’t just blank close family when they ask a simple question about you.

Sodamncold · 22/10/2020 11:26

OP

Read your OP

* So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key,*

Not so far fetched to assume that you’d... changed the locks!

ElevenSmiles · 22/10/2020 11:27

Makes it more dramatic doesn't it ....just change a couple of words.

OhCaptain · 22/10/2020 11:27

@Pregernaught

I haven’t changed the locks or told my MIL to fuck off wtf are you people reading that I haven’t written Confused

In what universe is barging into my house unannounced, not saying hello to me or DH, wailing like the world had ended and proceeding to grab at my stomach ‘not that unreasonable’ or ‘not that bad behaviour’???

If we’re both in the house, MIL is always put on speakerphone because she likes to chat to both of us while we’re cooking/ eating etc. She always calls at dinner time. That’s why I nodded to ask him to put her on speakerphone once he’d said to her that I’d just walked through the door. I asked her what was wrong, she explained she felt that she’s hurt ‘her’ baby, the same thing she’d been wailing about with DH for the 5 mins before I got home. I’d had enough at that point after having just come home from the hospital after 4 hours of hanging around and instead of losing my shit, asked he to call back when she felt she could talk more appropriately with us.

I’m at the end of my tether with her after almost 20 years of this shit and it’s getting worse not better.

I think lots of people haven't read your previous thread. If they had, they'd be more understanding.

Change the locks and don't give her a key.

And I would perhaps think about not answering her daily calls. A few times a week is plenty.

Forewarned is forearmed. You know with absolute certainty that she's going to get worse when the baby arrives. You need to agree VERY firm boundaries with your DH and then stick to them, ignoring emotional manipulation.

Things like "we're not letting him stay overnight with anyone until he's 3" (for example) when she goes on and on about having him over.

Or inviting her over on a morning when you have plans that afternoon so you can pack up and leave while she tries to outstay her welcome.

It's not a bad idea for DH to chat to his aunt, just in case there's something serious going on.

Sodamncold · 22/10/2020 11:28

@ElevenSmiles

Makes it more dramatic doesn't it ....just change a couple of words.
Exactly
Sodamncold · 22/10/2020 11:29

I think lots of people haven't read your previous thread. If they had, they'd be more understanding.

On mumsnet you’re damned if you do, dammed if you don’t

DTIsOnlyForNow · 22/10/2020 11:31

You know if she’s in her 60s they wouldn’t have known about the early losses?

Utter nonsense. You don't need a medical confirmation of pregnancy to know you're pregnant.

Bluesheep8 · 22/10/2020 11:32

You can’t just blank close family when they ask a simple question about you.

You can be selective about the level of detail you give. Remember, MIL didn't ask if OP had gone for a scan, this info was offered by the husband. And OP has shared that she is superstitious about certain things. There is nothing wrong with that, just don't tell people!!!

OhCaptain · 22/10/2020 11:32

Also, DON'T tell her when you're going into labour.

Have the baby. Have some time with DH. Then tell her when you're ready for her to barge into the hospital making a spectacle because odds are that's exactly what she'll do.

OhCaptain · 22/10/2020 11:33

@Sodamncold

*I think lots of people haven't read your previous thread. If they had, they'd be more understanding. *

On mumsnet you’re damned if you do, dammed if you don’t

What do you mean?
Berthatydfil · 22/10/2020 11:37

All the posters saying aw she’s excited to be a granny etc - really ?? Who in the right mind makes anyone else’s pregnancy losses about themselves ?? That’s not normal at all best case scenario is that she had similar experiences but if that was the case she would also know how inappropriate and insensitive she’s being. Op said above that she’s not aware of her having any losses so it’s not badly handled empathy.
She’s either mentally ill or an attention grabbing narcissist who can’t stomach the thought of anyone else being the centre of attention, and is hijacking your pregnancy and making it all about her.
Stop telling her anything about the pregnancy. Perhaps get your dh to only answer every other call and when he does answer when asked where he was / what he was doing he says in the garden/loo/working/driving/out for a walk/ forgot the phone etc, and don’t tell her anything about your health the pregnancy etc so when she asks - yes all fine, and change the subject.
Let her buy cots prams clothes it’s her money to waste, it will be your baby and you decide everything so don’t engage.
However be aware that she may develop a “health issue” if feels she’s not getting enough attention or she may enlist a few flying monkeys so be prepared .

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 22/10/2020 11:37

I think all three of you sound as though you like a spot of drama - all the 'flat voice', 'putting in speaker', 'laying of hands' nonsense. It's ok as long as you all feed each other, but as soon as there's dissent, this happens.

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 22/10/2020 11:38

on speaker

Bluesheep8 · 22/10/2020 11:44

*I think lots of people haven't read your previous thread. If they had, they'd be more understanding.

On mumsnet you’re damned if you do, dammed if you don’t

What do you mean?*

I think she means that another PP is suggesting that ops previous threads should be read aswell as this one. Yet a lot of the time, people comment negatively if posters search ops other threads. Maybe

Ratbum · 22/10/2020 11:44

Boundaries. Beyond the new locks and supportive husband, I'd suggest working out what they are and then how you plan to enforce. She might be hyper-excited and have lost perspective somewhat, or there could be more. The aunt sounds like an ally, get her on board?

Sodamncold · 22/10/2020 11:45

@Bluesheep8

*I think lots of people haven't read your previous thread. If they had, they'd be more understanding.

On mumsnet you’re damned if you do, dammed if you don’t

What do you mean?*

I think she means that another PP is suggesting that ops previous threads should be read aswell as this one. Yet a lot of the time, people comment negatively if posters search ops other threads. Maybe

Precisely
Sarahsah4r4 · 22/10/2020 11:45

I think she sounds a bit simple rather than mentally ill 🤔