MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

I certainly would never put my MIL on loudspeaker during a call with her son.

When DH rings his parents and me or the kids are around, he puts them on a loudspeaker.
When his parents ring me and DH is around, I put it on loudspeaker. It’s just easier for everybody so we can all dip in and out of the conversation. Seems logical to me.

She sounds very overwrought and is either a little shaky emotionally or mentally, or is very self-centred and likes the drama. But the cot-buying and talk of “my baby” is not on.

Your DH needs to tell her her daily phone-calls are unnecessary, and directly ask her to stop phoning so often. Why hasn’t he done this before? Don’t tell her anything about the baby; correct her every time she says ‘my baby’; don’t let her come round without checking it’s ok.

If she’s not suffering from some kind of emotional/mental issues, then you should be absolutely direct and tell her she’s behaving totally inappropriately, causing you stress (and making you feel like moving hundreds of miles away from her!)

I’d speak to the aunt so she can have a casual chat, gauge your MIL’s mental state, and tactfully tell her to reel her behaviour right back else she’s in danger of damaging her relationship with DH, you and her forthcoming grandchild.

She does sound pretty bonkers but you’re not coming out of this looking great either. Why did you tell your DH to put her on speaker phone and then you told her you were ending the call. The call she was having with her son. That seems pretty controlling on your part.

Also why shouldn’t she be excited for herself? She’s about to be a grandma for the first time.

I am sorry for your losses, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

You both sound a bit ott, still don't get what she's done that's so bad.

I can't remember if I posted on your previous thread. My mil was very like this, DH only child, she was desperate for a girl. When we told her I was pregnant she started baby shopping literally the next day. We had an issue that meant there could be a problem and I needed extra scans. She never asked how I was, I became a vessel for her baby. She had a key that DH gave her for emergencies and would use it freely to come in when we were out, even showing some of her friends round our home.* I could go on, there are many similarities Laiste* has it spot on but be prepared for it to take a while. When mil saw DD for first time she said "we've got our girl", she would try and take her from me every time she walked in, not bothering to take her coat off, wouldn't wait if DD was feeding. You need to just keep reminding her of what's acceptable. I did once lose it and ask her to leave but that's a while other very long story.

Billben

A family call where everyone knows they are speaking openly and nobody is in a state is a completely different thing to intervening in a private call.

No idea what possessed your DH to tell her you had gone for a scan etc. Just keep any conversation confined to the weather, lack of bees etc.

Exactly. Why do so many people tell other people EVERYTHING?
Just don't tell her everything, then she can't react/comment/interfere/have a meltdown.

You asked in your OP if you should involve other family members on account of her not usually being this batshit.

If this is out of character for her, then it sounds like that's a good idea. It's very kind of you to be considering her mental health when it's you who's at the brunt of her batshit behaviour.

You've had some good advice here on maintaining boundaries, but the thread does seem to have slipped into MIL bashing and has moved away from considering if she's unwell.

If it's out of character then I'd be concerned also about her mental health. Speaking to your aunt sounds like a good idea.

And then, perhaps, speaking directly to your MIL. Could you and DH sit her down and let her know you're concerned about her because the way she's acting about the baby is OTT? How would she respond to this, do you think?

Obviously if she refuses to get help or change her behaviour you'll have no option but to put some strong boundaries in place.

MN has often had women complaining of MILs being batshit and behaving as if their babies belonged to the MIL. Is this a mental health issue? I don't know much about it, does anyone here?

We have MIL issues (slightly different but principles still hold). I’ve basically had to ‘encourage’ DH to set very firm boundaries (which he finds hard - though your DH sounds like he’s doing great) at the risk of her falling out with us (which my DH couldn’t really care less about). Usually, she respects these boundaries as they’re very clearly laid and she knows she’s the only one that will lose (I.e. any contact with her grandchild) if she doesn’t.

There sounds to be some deep issues for her - power, control, possession, narcissism etc. I wonder if she had baby issues herself. Not sure how unhinged she actually is but in my experience new babies can make some grandparents act rather strangely. Proceed with caution, set the firmest of boundaries and have your husband do the difficult conversations. Don’t let this spoil your pregnancy. Speak to her sister for sure x

Just as an aside, I do think people should be informed before being put on speaker phone.

@MarthasGinYard

At 16 weeks I don't think we'd barely even told anyone I was pregnant.

Goodness gracious the drama.

What a perfect goody two shoes you are. How patronizing and unhelpful.

OP. You've had a very tough time. Do you what you want, it's your baby, your time. Don't let anyone rain on your joy.

I agree re informing someone they’re on speaker. I’d find that a gross invasion of privacy if I didn’t know someone was going to do it.

And I do think telling someone to put their call on speakerphone and then being the person to end the call is controlling. If that was a man saying his wife had to put her call with her mum on speaker it would be a red flag.

It's all about HER . . .

@ElevenSmiles

You both sound a bit ott, still don't get what she's done that's so bad.

Barging into the house uninvited sobbing loudly about nothing, grabbing OP's stomach? That would certainly make me concerned about anyone's mental wellbeing when it's not characteristic behaviour - and that's before you put Covid into the mix.

And I do think telling someone to put their call on speakerphone and then being the person to end the call is controlling. If that was a man saying his wife had to put her call with her mum on speaker it would be a red flag. Absolutely, particularly ending the call bit. If OP didn't want to be involved she could have walked away but the DH seems to have no say in things. Maybe he has gone from one controlling woman to another.

The mother-in-law sounds like an evil character in a horror film 😳

So you know she is mentally ill (which you describe as being ' a complete headcase') therefore you tell her to get the fuck out of your house. You sound despicable.

It's hard when there's one person in your life who doesn't respond to normal social cues and tends to bulldoze their way through your life, and you have to learn to communicate and behave a different way with them.

And honestly it's sad too. I have to 'arms reach' my mum. I'm envious of people who have a close relationship with their mother, i'm sad that i have to 'manage' her to be able to have a relationship with her at all.

Like i said earlier though it does become second nature. And if you and DH have a good support system in your friends and wider family then you can lean on them.

Just stp involving her with things. Whilst your dh sounds great standing up to her, it's him that needs to speak to her, maybe on her own.

OP, you have my full support. She sounds nuts.

My parents live a way away but my mum went a bit mad when I was having my first and not nearly so crazy. Talking about when she was going to have her, very overbearing, bought all the stuff. I ignored and it did die down mostly.

When DD was born, they came in week 2, stayed with PIL for a week and they did wait until I was in the shower to take her out for a walk - ambushed my DH, who let them (which was wrong of him too, he just struggles with confrontation). I still haven't forgiven them, to be honest - they have boundary issues and have made it clear that they will try to buy my DD's affection as a priority and won't grandparent in any way to make my life easier (eg by trying to get my daughter to nap over lunch rather than letting her fall asleep exhausted late afternoon and then handing her back to me when she won't sleep at night or by giving her cake at 4pm despite knowing it will spoil dinner). As a result, they are not my first port of call - they are fun grandparents who get fun time, but are not trusted for regular childcare. As they live a way away, it is easier to maintain boundaries and allow them the "fun stuff".

Am now having my second. DH and I have agreed an approach to the early weeks that we are both happy with and will keep to in terms of managing both sets of parents, whilst allowing them some time to see the baby and my DD (Covid rules permitting). No overnight stays is a hard rule for us. Be clear whilst being kind and try not to be too emotional about it.

I am just staggered, staggered that you changed the locks.

You went to the expense and time to change locks to YOUR home to prevent your mil entering.

Rather than absolutely forbid her entry and explain that she MUST knock and wait like a visitor, that she is.

You and your DH completely wimped out.

Another vote for more boundaries. She needs to calm down and not make it all about her. Because it really isn’t. Best do it now with the boundaries as she may well get worse when the baby arrives

There seems to be a lack of understanding and empathy for OP. Even if she hadn’t had fertility issues this all would have been a bit much

I haven’t changed the locks or told my MIL to fuck off wtf are you people reading that I haven’t written

In what universe is barging into my house unannounced, not saying hello to me or DH, wailing like the world had ended and proceeding to grab at my stomach ‘not that unreasonable’ or ‘not that bad behaviour’???

If we’re both in the house, MIL is always put on speakerphone because she likes to chat to both of us while we’re cooking/ eating etc. She always calls at dinner time. That’s why I nodded to ask him to put her on speakerphone once he’d said to her that I’d just walked through the door. I asked her what was wrong, she explained she felt that she’s hurt ‘her’ baby, the same thing she’d been wailing about with DH for the 5 mins before I got home. I’d had enough at that point after having just come home from the hospital after 4 hours of hanging around and instead of losing my shit, asked he to call back when she felt she could talk more appropriately with us.

I’m at the end of my tether with her after almost 20 years of this shit and it’s getting worse not better.

You know if she’s in her 60s they wouldn’t have known about the early losses? I’m 51 and when I had my oldest who is now in his 30s I only knew when I missed my second period. And preg tests were prohibitively expensive and the doctor wouldn’t test until you missed your second period.

What on earth are you talking about? I'm 46 and I'm sure not that much changed in the 5 years between us. Family Planning Clinics did tests and even I, as a teen at school or a student, bought pregnancy tests.