MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

DH was wrong to tell her I was out for a scan to check all was well, I totally understand why he did though, it wouldn't occur to him not to tell the truth, I don't think anyone would have predicted she'd be quite so over the top. He didn't tell her I'd bled. He told her I was out for a scan to check everything was ok, then she jumped from 0-she'd killed the baby in seconds apparently.

DH and I've talked about not telling her about the birth until we've had some time. COVID helps enormously with this. She's not allowed anywhere near the hospital and current restrictions will almost certainly still be in place, so that's good. We'll give ourselves plenty of time to get home and get settled before we say anything. I feel a bit mean about this, but I think it's the only way to manage her realistically which is such a shame.

We've also chatted about just not telling her anything at all about the pregnancy and changing the subject when she asks about it. This will be difficult though because it's all she wants to talk about whenever she calls. We don't share details generally, we just let her rattle about what she's bought and what she's planning. Some of it is lovely like she can't wait until baby is old enough to be taken to the zoo etc, some of it is not so lovely, like she wants to feed the baby so they can 'bond' and wishes I'd reconsider breast feeding. Me wanting to breastfeed is a real sticking point for her, she's really against it generally so when she brings this up I generally say 'we've spoken about this before, we wont be changing our plans'. She only knows about the breastfeeding in the first place because she wanted to buy a load of bottles and formula powders and we said they wouldnt be needed.

she mentioned her other thread herself so i said maybe people should read it

I think your DH should visit his Mum at her house on his own for a while, or if that isn't possible due to Covid reasons, speak/face time her himself. Not at mealtimes.

Supporting her is ultimately his responsibility, not yours, and he and his Aunt sound best placed to do that while distance is kept between your MIL and you. Her recent behaviour was toxic and disturbing and you need to look after your own mental and physical health.

Congrats on your pregnancy

I would have decked the woman by now, I don't know how you putting up with it OP
My advice is be extremely firm and shut her down every time firmly everytime she oversteps the mark i e multiple times per day
She's just an effing nuisance

You've done nothing wrong, OP and you haven't been too harsh. This woman sounds extremely unstable and has no respect for boundaries.

As for the 'old' comments, apart from the fact that was pure assumption, being old does not excuse you from behaving rudely and selfishly.

She clearly isn’t thinking about what is best for the baby. Trying to make you reconsider breast feeding ! This is all about her.
I breast fed 3 - all young adults now and they have/had a fantastic relationship with their grandparents.

I think your DH and you should sit her down and call her bluff, say that you are both concerned about her mental health, say that you’ve investigated advice about psychiatric treatment and want to book sessions for her. Then sit back and watch her dial back her behaviour. If she doesn’t then do follow up with trying to book a counselling session for her and involve her sister.

@Sarahsah4r4 i wouldnt use the term 'simple'. She's very intelligent in lots of ways but hasn't experienced much of the world really due to various reasons. She worked for a few years before DH was born but never went back to work after (another thing she's upset with me about). She stayed at home, they never travelled abroad or did anything really to expand their horizons. DH used to come on holiday a lot with my parents when we were kids, he'd be at my house every day after school and we used to do homework etc together with my mum who's an avid reader and really politically savvy, he used to come horse riding with us and to drama lessons etc that my parents paid for for him, so he got exposed to a lot that his parents never did really.

I dont think MIL has had a lot in her life other than being DH's mum and that's a massive part of the problem for sure.

I admit Simple is going a bit far, sorry🙏
what about unsophisticated, surely her astounding lack of insight, inability to empathize or reflect upon her own behaviour can only be described as unsophisticated and childlike?

Tell her that she is being like an over dramatic teenager and if she continues to behave as such then you'll treat her as such and ground her, best she grows up pdq

Some nasty comments on this thread, OP. I think you're experiencing the full weight of the gap between people who have experience of relationships with narcissistic family members and people who don't and have no clue how toxic it all is.

In my experience, there's no fix for attention-seeking behaviour on this scale. It's a shame your DH is an only child as parents like this can sometimes be palmed off on a sibling for a while when the beam of their scrutiny gets too much. All you can do is limit your exposure to her behaviour by ignoring it where possible and using firm, no-nonsense rebuffs where ignoring it isn't practical. Tell her as little as possible. Brush nonsense off briskly. Use reward/punishment to train her into understanding that high melodrama will lead to withdrawal of contact or engagement, whereas respecting boundaries and behaving normally will result in something nice. Train yourself not to feel guilty about it.

It's a shame your pregnancy is being overshadowed like this. I wish you luck for the rest of it.

@Sarahsah4r4 childlike - absolutely. Lovely FIL treated her very much as 'the little woman at home' and parented her, it was never a partnership. It was a very happy marriage for many years and she never saw it as a bad thing that she had no autonomy of her own. He was a very kind man and not abusive in the way MIL would have interpreted abuse if that makes sense. When he died, we had to teach MIL how to use her heating system, the TV remotes, how to pay bills etc as she had no idea. She lived with her mum until she married and he'd handled all of those things for years.

Tell her as little as possible
Treat her like a mushroom.... keep her in the dark and feed her shit
Everything you tell her will be used to further her own aims, so don't give her anything to use

I think, although clearly deranged at the moment, it sounds like she does care and love your family. I'd try all avenues first before NC.

My MIL was overbearing in my first pregnancy but not as mad as this. And shes calmed down once we all settled in the months following the birth. I think it's a bit of worry that she wont be as involved as she would like in babys life etc and it will hopefully settle for you too.

I'd start with strict boundaries, straight up telling her to stop calling babys hers, stop being over the top and that if she doesnt have normal boundaries and reactions as a gran you wont want to see her.

OP, Sounds like the poor woman has lived in a gilded cage on her life and never had a chance to develop an adult personality ☹️
I say 'poor woman' but this is also to the detriment of everyone in her circle☹️

I agree that sounds both awful and unacceptable behaviour on her part. But why on earth are you and DH tell her all this stuff? Surely that's the root of the problem! You should have delayed telling her about your pregnancy, don't tell her about bleeding and scans - why on earth would you anyway? That's personal information and you don't need to share it with her.

I really wouldn't contact anyone else, such as the Aunt, just back off, cut the drama and don't tell her stuff - then she cannot react. I don't wish to be harsh as you seem to have had a tough time, but some of it does seem to be of your own making.

I love the term ‘questionable vintage baby advice’, I’m going to use it the next time someone recommends I do cry it out on my newborn!
I think your MIL thought the scan meant you were miscarrying and felt a fool for buying so much baby gear when you asked her not to for this exact reason. This was her very warped way of deflecting any potential criticism of her actions as well as seeking attention. I imagine the only way to cope with this moving forward is to give basic, ‘grey rock’ responses and fail to react emotionally to her to outbursts and theatrics. You need to make it very clear from the outset that she won’t be having baby on her own until they are older and it suits both of you. I have come across the odd grandparent who views their DIL as merely a vessel for ‘their’ baby, it’s really not that uncommon and seems to be especially common when the grandparent in question doesn’t have much going on in their life.

She sounds exactly like my mother. We eventually had to lie about our due dates, because she made it all about her and was a nightmare when any of us were actually giving birth.

It's great that your DH is unequivocally on your side. I think you need to be extremely firm with her, explain that you want her to be part of your child's life, but that she will not be welcome in your home unless she behaves herself. She'll cry and tantrum, but if she sees you mean it, she'll probably behave.

I'm so sorry you have this crap to deal with.

Have you consisted emigrating?

It really is best to nip this in the bud now as she is likely to get worse when the baby arrives.

I really think your DH needs to have a very blunt conversation with her. She's trying to take over, she's ruining any enjoyment of your pregnancy from you both and she's making you not want her around.

She needs to evaluate her behaviour and decide what she wants to do. She can continue as she is, which will ultimately lead to you both going low or no contact with her, or she can start behaving like a grown up who respects the fact that you are both adults and this is your pregnancy.

Point out to her that she's trampled your boundaries at every turn - buying things, trying to persuade you not to BF and being utterly unssuportive - and ask her if she were you would you ever allow her to have your child unsupervised.

Put the responsibility back onto her. Tell her how things will go (she isn't to walk into your house, she's not to trample your wishes, she won't be giving the baby bottles) and then give her the choice. She can either be a part of that or she can choose not too. Her choice of wanting things her way isn't an option.

Childlike. She's behaving a little bit like a nine year old girl given the possibility of a 'living doll' for Christmas.

Maybe you can treat her the same way as you would treat a very young girl whose expectations of babies are in no way going to match the reality?

Sort of, I know you're excited but...(and maybe buy her loads of 'current baby care' books so she can read up slightly more in date advice?) Restrict her visits, keep everything much more calm and maybe get her a pet...

@ConfusedcomMum

I've seen scenario this twice IRL where the MIL starts acting as if the baby is theirs, buying newborn things to keep at their home like cribs, making a nursery, insisting on names, trying to put off the mother breastfeeding the baby, letting themselves into the house & demanding to see the baby. But some folk on MN would swear blind that this is ok/ normal behaviour. It isn't - it's deranged. I know of a marriage that almost collapsed because of it and the DIL said she was treated as if she had a surrogate pregnancy for MIL. You're lucky your DH understands that this isn't ok either. Good luck.

My MIL was of this ilk.

Try to get her out of the habit of phoning everyday. Otherwise she will know you're at the hospital giving birth due to not answering the phone.

Oh, well OP mentioned her previous thread herself so I don't think you'd be damned for clueing yourself up on it before slagging her off!

Anyway @Pregernaught great that you've decided not to tell her about the arrival until you're home and ready for the hurricane!

Please tell me the lock changing is being given priority now?!

How would your DH feel about reducing the daily phone calls?

It does read like she's lived in a very isolated bubble but that doesn't mean anyone needs to pander to it.

How do your own parents feel about all of this?

With regards to the due date tell her a later date so you'll be spared being harassed for news around that time. Nothing more annoying than being heavily pregnant and people calling for news.

Long term have you thought about moving further away from her so she can't turn up whenever?