MIL - WTF do we do?

[Pregernaught]

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

I certainly would never put my MIL on loudspeaker during a call with her son.

OP didn't, her husband did. He could have refused if he thought there was anything that should be kept private.

• change locks, don't give her a key (for Covid safety never mind anything else!)

• any time she asks where you are, DH says simply 'out'. If she pushes, he says, 'I don't know'/'She's popped to the shop' etc. He needs to learn how to white-lie to avoid these scenarios.

@Pregernaught

I don’t think we do tell her much, she constantly asks how the baby is (never how I am) and we reply ‘fine’. That’s it for the most part. It would be very odd to reply ‘none of your business’ or ‘not telling you’ wouldn’t it? He only mentioned I’d gone for a quick scan because she literally asked where I’d gone and it’s not in DH’s nature to even think about lying in that situation. We often don’t answer the phone when she calls and we’re busy, but if we don’t she continually calls every 15 minutes until we answer so we’ve just learned it’s better to answer, confirm we’re fine and try to keep the conversation short. I don’t give her a blow by blow account of my pregnancy

The answer is 'fine' and then silence.

And no you do not already reply 'fine' because the whole point is this situation arose from your DH telling her rather more than that!

Thats the issue! He's obviously saying rather more than 'fine' on some occasions and he needs to stop doing it!

I remember your other thread.

Has she always been this cracked?

I'm glad you're going to change the locks & that your DH has your back.

It's definitely NOT you, ignore the crazy posts!

Are you planning to continue daily calls when the baby arrives? I can't think of anything worse than someone ringing every 15 minutes when I'm trying to settle a baby or hoping that the baby will sleep longer than 20 minutes.

@MarthasGinYard 💐

I was the same. My first DS died when she was 3 days old. I was still denying being pregnant when I was 32 weeks - which was obviously ridiculous! But we all deal with these things in our own way. I certainly don't feel superior to anyone else, it wasn't as though people didn't know by that point anyway.

What your MIL did wasn't great, especially sharing on social media and that comment, but many women have huge issues around pregnancy, childbirth and babies. Sadly, I expect to be one of them I would definitely try and get some boundaries in place but I can't help feeling a bit sorry for her. I think she is very excited about becoming a grandparent and it is just all coming out in an inappropriate way?

MoonJelly

Yes, fine. Then I wouldn’t ask him to.

Op she sounds very unwell- is there a history of mental illness or dementia on that side of the family? I’d leave it to your husband as it’s his mother but it would be useful for him to contact her GP and have a chat with them as this is not normal behaviour. You need to keep well aware from her, for COVID protection if nothing else. Mind yourself and enjoy your pregnancy.

You have my sympathy and understanding for what it’s worth.

My ‘DF’ had similar behaviours.
It went from bad to worse I’m afraid.

My DF life is lived though two channels : others lives commandeered and extravagance.

Both are used to give him something to show off about and receive congratulations on, or equally valuable to him ..... to complain about and seek sympathy for, often from random strangers.

I don’t have any answers but I get exactly where you are coming from.

@PatriciaPerch absolutely no question at all that she cares about us a lot, she does. We absolutely care a lot about her too.

I've seen scenario this twice IRL where the MIL starts acting as if the baby is theirs, buying newborn things to keep at their home like cribs, making a nursery, insisting on names, trying to put off the mother breastfeeding the baby, letting themselves into the house & demanding to see the baby. But some folk on MN would swear blind that this is ok/ normal behaviour. It isn't - it's deranged. I know of a marriage that almost collapsed because of it and the DIL said she was treated as if she had a surrogate pregnancy for MIL. You're lucky your DH understands that this isn't ok either. Good luck.

I think part of the problem is she's known me since I was a child, so she still sees me as a 13 year old snogging her son outside the back gate on our way home from school and not as an adult who married him.

This is probably spot on but it sounds like she sees her son as younger too (barging in, calling every 15 mins until he picks up..)

@Laiste

You need to learn the 'Arm's reach' approach OP. It becomes second nature after a while.

• Change the locks.
• Arrange times when you're going to see her - stick to it and try and make it at her house (if it's allowed).
• Be in touch but monitor closely what you say to her and keep everything a bit vague ie: due date? ''Oh they keep moving it! Do you know at this point i've no idea if it's going to be end of March or early April!! LOL. Baby's fine though and that's all that matters''.
• Give any news ''too late'' and underplayed - ie: oh yes last week i went for an extra check up at the hospital but everything is fine! How's the weather been ....
• Let her do/buy what she wants to do/buy but promise nothing about you or DH using/wearing/committing to anything. Vague vague vague.

Practice this for the next 4 months and you'll be good at it by the time the baby comes and she'll be getting used to being less intensely involved hopefully.

Absolutely what this poster said, practice now, you'll need it- and never commit. Certainly don't give details of health or medical conditions unless absolutely necessary, ie allergy when invited to dinner. Or it will end up over Facebook/ the village noticeboard. 'That doesn't work for me, maybe another time,' is a useful, fair but firm reply to unwanted suggestions.

@TicTacTwo

I think part of the problem is she's known me since I was a child, so she still sees me as a 13 year old snogging her son outside the back gate on our way home from school and not as an adult who married him.

This is probably spot on but it sounds like she sees her son as younger too (barging in, calling every 15 mins until he picks up..)

Yep... this is it.

Its up to your DH to break the cycle on this. The phone calls need to stop.

If you have a problem, you keep it between you two and don't tell her anything. If she askes then yes you need to start saying its none of your business and its private within your relationship.

If she reacts badly to this, it just demonstrates the problem of how she thinks she is part of your relationship and has a right to know and doesn't get boundaries, nor respects your right to privacy within a marriage. That has the potential to destroy your marriage.

Seriously, you and your DH are enabling her in some way to be too involved in ways you aren't currently recognising, possibly because of the parent /child dynamic of growing up together.

Obviously your MIL is in the wrong, but come on, your DH was also at fault here. What on earth was he playing at putting her on speaker, knowing how it would upset you. Why let her continue with the once a day phone calls?

@TicTacTwo she does struggle to see us as adults. When we bought our first house we'd saved like mad and lived with my parents for a couple of years to manage it. We bought a total wreck of a house to flip it for a profit as you do and we were soooo proud of ourselves. On the day we moved in, MiL came round and, horrified, declared that 'no son of hers' would be living in a house like that . It wasnt falling down or damp or anything, just a bit dated inside and grubby.

She spent the next couple of years treating us like 2 naughty kids who'd run away to live in the wendy house at the bottom of the garden and whenever we had work done, she'd insist that DH went to stay with her 'lest the dust set off his asthma'. DH hasn't had any signs of asthma since he was 7 years old.

When we sold the wendy house we made quite a bit of money on it, moved to a slightly cheaper area (unfortunately nearer to MIL) and bought our forever house. She decided this was too big for us and dropped massive hints about moving in to one of our spare rooms that thankfully we managed to ignore long enough that she dropped it

@preggernaught see I think you do love the drama. You know nothing about my marriage but have decided I have to ‘demand’ information off my husband about his mother’s calls and that your marriage is superior.

I didn’t comment on your MIL behaviour, if it makes you feel better I don’t agree with it. But if you really wanted most of it could of stopped by now. Easily enough. Just ask the other half of ur unit /perfect relationship to take a key off his mum and stop sharing information about you and your pregnancy. There you go

@MoonJelly

You know if she’s in her 60s they wouldn’t have known about the early losses? I’m 51 and when I had my oldest who is now in his 30s I only knew when I missed my second period. And preg tests were prohibitively expensive and the doctor wouldn’t test until you missed your second period.

You must have lived somewhere strange. I'm in my 60s, doctors happily tested at two weeks past my first missed period for all five pregnancies (including three miscarriages), and pregnancy tests weren't that expensive.

I'm 64. I did a home test two weeks after my missed period in 1986, and had another done at the GP a week after that.

OP. You can practice not engaging with the crazy on this thread!

Look up the drama triangle with conscious leadership, you might find it helpful to talk it through with DH and analyse how you both and MIL swing through the roles of victim, hero and villain. If you can recognise where you are when you see MIL, it might help you to emotionally step back from it all

@Yesreallyreally not nice is it when people assume things about your behaviour or your relationship that are wildly off the mark? Maybe you shouldn't have been so rude in the first place if you felt assumptions like that are unkind.

@SeaToSki thank you I'll look that up.

I remember your last thread OP. No advice other than change the locks and keep on with the everything's fine spiel

I think she sounds quite unwell. I think putting in boundaries are a good idea - basic info about you and the baby, no details on anything you might be buying or named etc. Both me and my DH have a line of "oh, we haven't got round to thinking about that yet". I'd change the locks and put an end to nightly phonecalls - you can't have her ringing when you're dealing with a grumpy tired newborn. I'd also be reconsidering childcare options.

I've been with DH since uni and I think both our mum's struggle to see us as nearly 40yo with soon to be two children, a mortgage and responsible jobs. Some of their advice is ridiculous.