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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think others would find this very irritating too?

120 replies

destinedtobeatiger · 21/10/2020 18:03

DP and I argue day in day out about this.

I am very very sensitive to sound. I don't know why. If theres a slight noise as i'm falling asleep I will bolt awake and listen to make sure that no-one is breaking in.

The argument:
DP plays music constantly. When we wake up, when eating breakfast, (self employed) while working from home, in bed before sleep, while cooking, using the bathroom etc. He likes to play this outloud whenever possible.

After many many arguments he now uses wireless headphones when I am in the room and plays it loud when I am not.

The walls are very thin.

I wake up every morning to his rap music bellowing from the ensuite. He is in the shower so can't use headphones and was very upset at the idea of showering without music. The music is as quiet as it can be to still hear it over the shower, but I still hear it really loudly and it just makes me so miserable. I can't explain it, I never used to be like this. I find it so irritating and unpleasant.

If I ever want DP attention he has his earphones in. So instead of just talking to him across the room, I have to wave at him. He gets annoyed when he has to take his headphones out to talk to me 'so it better be good'.

Often I can't get his attention so I either text him, or walk all the way up to his table just to ask him if he wants to go for a walk later. It feels very frustrating. He says that I can stop doing this by just letting him play his music outloud.

it don't feel lonely because I keep myself entertained but it is very disconnecting and not my ideal at all. There is never any small talk, which doesn't bother me but I would like more conversations in general.

Music isn't at all important in my life. Am I being disrespectful to impose my opinion that music shouldn't be consumed all the time on him? His family are all like him.

Any time I walk out the room he puts his music out loud, but I can hear it through the walls. I just can't escape it. When I come in, he takes a very long time to put his headphones back on and gets annoyed. I can often hear the music through the headphones as its so loud, but I have given up asking him to turn it down.

We get on so well with everything else. But I really like peace and quiet and I don't want my thoughts interrupted with such aggressive music in my home. I just don't get the constant rap and latin music all the time.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2020 18:07

Living with your partner would drive me insane. He seems very controlling and completely unwilling to compromise and take your needs into consideration. You are not suited and you can definitely do better.

ABCDay · 21/10/2020 18:08

We get on so well with everything else.

This is the only positive in the whole of your post. You don't sound compatible at all. How long have you been together? Has he always been like this? Has anything changed for either of you?

RedPandaFluff · 21/10/2020 18:09

I think I'd struggle with this too, @destinedtobeatiger. I'd find the constant music a bit wearing. And I'd also feel a bit odd that my partner prefers to isolate himself by wearing headphones etc.

Do you think you could come to an arrangement whereby he agrees to go without music for a certain amount of time each day?

64sNewName · 21/10/2020 18:09

This would drive me to utter misery and yet, it’s tricky because he’s already attempting to compromise and it just isn’t making either of you happy. It sounds like you’re fundamentally incompatible purely in terms of your living arrangements.

While you work on a proper solution, can you invest in good noise cancelling headphones? I’m pretty noise sensitive and one of my children makes a lot of noise (he has ADHD). The top-end Bosch headphones have been a total godsend for my mental health, although they were expensive.

64sNewName · 21/10/2020 18:10

(Not Bosch, sorry. Bose)

LaurieFairyCake · 21/10/2020 18:10

I couldn't/wouldn't put up with this unless my house was fucking massive

And I don't have misophonia

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 21/10/2020 18:11

He has tried to compromise, as have you. It hasn't worked.

I think you're just fundamentally incompatible.

Nobody is right, or wrong, just different opinions.

dudsville · 21/10/2020 18:13

My oh likes to have talk radio on constantly. I'm a quiet person by nature but also frequently find news items deeply distressing. We agree to quiet times and closed doors (thankfully our walls aren't as thin) but also that he can have his radio,
and if he hears the news is recounting something distressing he'll often try to turn the volume down quickly or is understanding if I close his door, so I feel he's being thoughtful, which in turn leaves me feeling more relaxed about when I do hear his radio. It sounds like you're both backed into your own corners and fighting each other rather than working together to solve the problem.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/10/2020 18:16

I am constitutionally more like your DH and I have to admit that being told to operate in a soundless environment would be quite hard for me. I find it quite hard to relate to people who aren’t interested in music.

But it sounds as if he uses it almost like a weapon to escape communication with you which I find quite passive aggressive.

It’s hard to know if he’s being mardy for the sake of it or whether he feels a bit controlled by your apparent dislike of his music.

Honestly you don’t sound very compatible.

MrsJemimaDuck · 21/10/2020 18:16

I would hate this, and I would leave him because of it.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 21/10/2020 18:16

That would literally end things for me. It's so selfish and rude.

Onekidnoclue · 21/10/2020 18:17

This would drive me batty OP. my FIL is the same. Music on all the time LOUDLY. Definitely has a bearing on how long I can cope with being in their house.
I think you’ve both tried to compromise and it’s not working. Time to move on.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2020 18:19

You simply can not have a relationship with someone who is literally blocking you out all day, every day. Him telling you "this had better be good" when you only want to speak with him is utterly inexcusable. What a rude, dismissive arsehole.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/10/2020 18:20

'so it better be good'
This is his reaction to having to remove his earphones in order for you to talk to him?
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Plussizejumpsuit · 21/10/2020 18:21

This would irritate the shit out of me.

Why is he so obsessed with having music on?

Plussizejumpsuit · 21/10/2020 18:22

@Aquamarine1029

You simply can not have a relationship with someone who is literally blocking you out all day, every day. Him telling you "this had better be good" when you only want to speak with him is utterly inexcusable. What a rude, dismissive arsehole.
Absolutely this
SpaceOP · 21/10/2020 18:25

It's hard for me to understand why anyone would think it's okay to play music while in the shower while your partner is sleeping? I mean, some compromise between you sounds necessary for the rest, but this one is a huge red flag for me and I'd be really questioning his behaviour as it's clearly insanely selfish.

katy1213 · 21/10/2020 18:26

This would drive me insane. No man on earth is worth living with loud, thumping music.

Etinox · 21/10/2020 18:28

It’s making you miserable. He’s your partner not your husband, you haven’t mentioned children. You could just end the relationship.
Flowers

flaviaritt · 21/10/2020 18:28

I’m exactly the same, very noise sensitive, and no, you shouldn’t have to live with it. I expect it’s bad for your blood pressure.

HollowTalk · 21/10/2020 18:28

Think of him like a flatmate - you'd move out and look for a flatmate you got on with, wouldn't you?

flaviaritt · 21/10/2020 18:29

He gets annoyed when he has to take his headphones out to talk to me 'so it better be good'.

And he’d be playing his music somewhere else, if he tried this. Cock.

MJMG2015 · 21/10/2020 18:29

I couldn't live with him.

It's one thing I know, for me, there's just no compromising on. I can't stand having the emradio/music/tv on all the time and I certainly couldn't cope with his choice of music, attitude to it or the way he turns it up the minute you leave the room, knowing you have paper thin walls.

The way he says you could fix the communication stuff by letting him play his music loud etc. Makes me feel he's really not very nice or very kind:loving.

Daphnise · 21/10/2020 18:30

He sound quite ghastly and totally inconsiderate.

But if you want to put up with this nonsense, carry on.

destinedtobeatiger · 21/10/2020 18:30

Thank you for all your responses.

I don't want to leave and he has made enormous compromises including buying wireless headphones which are very expensive when were not well off.

From his point of view because he grew up this way he doesn't see anything wrong with it and doesn't understand why it upsets me so much.

He has alot of stress with his business. There are many wonderful things about him, so I am not looking to break up. He is kind, caring, and generous. We have the same goals and vision.

We have been together 3 years

OP posts: