to think others would find this very irritating too?

[destinedtobeatiger]

DP and I argue day in day out about this.

I am very very sensitive to sound. I don't know why. If theres a slight noise as i'm falling asleep I will bolt awake and listen to make sure that no-one is breaking in.

The argument:
DP plays music constantly. When we wake up, when eating breakfast, (self employed) while working from home, in bed before sleep, while cooking, using the bathroom etc. He likes to play this outloud whenever possible.

After many many arguments he now uses wireless headphones when I am in the room and plays it loud when I am not.

The walls are very thin.

I wake up every morning to his rap music bellowing from the ensuite. He is in the shower so can't use headphones and was very upset at the idea of showering without music. The music is as quiet as it can be to still hear it over the shower, but I still hear it really loudly and it just makes me so miserable. I can't explain it, I never used to be like this. I find it so irritating and unpleasant.

If I ever want DP attention he has his earphones in. So instead of just talking to him across the room, I have to wave at him. He gets annoyed when he has to take his headphones out to talk to me 'so it better be good'.

Often I can't get his attention so I either text him, or walk all the way up to his table just to ask him if he wants to go for a walk later. It feels very frustrating. He says that I can stop doing this by just letting him play his music outloud.

it don't feel lonely because I keep myself entertained but it is very disconnecting and not my ideal at all. There is never any small talk, which doesn't bother me but I would like more conversations in general.

Music isn't at all important in my life. Am I being disrespectful to impose my opinion that music shouldn't be consumed all the time on him? His family are all like him.

Any time I walk out the room he puts his music out loud, but I can hear it through the walls. I just can't escape it. When I come in, he takes a very long time to put his headphones back on and gets annoyed. I can often hear the music through the headphones as its so loud, but I have given up asking him to turn it down.

We get on so well with everything else. But I really like peace and quiet and I don't want my thoughts interrupted with such aggressive music in my home. I just don't get the constant rap and latin music all the time.

How will any kids you have be able to communicate with him, until they're old enough to text?

Sorry to me this sounds horrible. Playing it loudly while he’s in the shower and you’re in bed is actually really horrible. A bit like bullying really because he knows it torments you.

I’ve posted the same on here before, anyone who disturbs someone else genuine need for sleep is a horrible person. Sleep is so, so important for us mentally and physically.

That’s before getting into the ‘this better be good’ when you just want to speak. He actually just sounds very spiteful and mean 😕

Just read your updates on page 2 op. Both me and my husband are self employed and have been through enormous stress over the years.

Not once have we taken it out on each other in the way you’re describing. Argue and bickered when tired, most definitely.

But we’ve never tried to damage each other or sabotage sleep/rest. It’s not normal

Awful. I too hate hate hate constant noise/music. I need silence to cope with life. In my experience anyone who needs constant music/radio etc is avoiding life, why add to the chatter, fears living with self, their own thoughts.

I can't stand loud noise myself, but not at your scale, I don't mind loud parties (not that we have any of them lately!) So it seems to be a bit inconsiderate of him to subject you to this. Although I know he uses headphones intermittently. So good of him....

Have you looked up misophonia? Or just go and find yourself some peace elsewhere. I know it is drastic, but his behaviour doesn't seem very mature at all and I doubt it will improve. Your choice love, wish you well.

so wouold he play music that loud in public if he thi8niks its perfectly normal

We call it "Street angel, and House devil". And it is truly a red flag alright.

I really don't think he is being fairly portrayed here.

He is not trying to disrupt my sleep when he has his music in the shower, he is just oblivious and thinks it's so much quieter than it is. I can't be bothered to argue with him every day. If I told him how much it bothered me he would turn it down for about a week and then just forget. He's just a bit in his own world really. He does really car he just cannot understand. We have different ideas of quiet.

I'm not even close to breaking up with him over this. He is very nice in and out the house. He is also very irritable, as am I when we live in a tiny place and are on top of each other working from home 24/7.

Music is his escape and he can get upset when that is disrupted.

Barry on.

So OP, what is the point of your post please?

All about him or all about you, which is it. This will not improve at all so brace yourself for that one.

I cannot bear noise. Visitors often comment on how quiet my house is. I like it that way and in all honesty if my DH played music constantly it would be a major issue for me.
If you can put up with it then all is good but seriously if you don't like it and it's bugging you after 3 years then it's not looking good for the long run is it?
I actually went back and re read your post to see if he was a DH or a DP. Whatever you don't commit to marriage before you sort this out because irritating stuff like this so early on in a relationship doesn't bode well for a long and happy marriage.

You're stuck with it then, aren't you, really?l

He won't change. And you won't break up with him.

If I told him how much it bothered me he would turn it down for about a week and then just forget. He's just a bit in his own world really.

He would just forget? Really? Is he 87 with dementia? "Just a bit in his own world" is simply another way of saying he's self-absorbed and selfish. Take the blinders off, op.

You've developed a strange neurosis that's the real issue that needs sorting. Expecting everyone in your life to just be quiet till they leave you or die of old age isnt a solution.

Therapy maybe?

@Aquamarine1029

If I told him how much it bothered me he would turn it down for about a week and then just forget. He's just a bit in his own world really.

He would just forget? Really? Is he 87 with dementia? "Just a bit in his own world" is simply another way of saying he's self-absorbed and selfish. Take the blinders off, op.

"I can't explain it, I never used to be like this."

^ it's an ongoing escalating problem. Of course the ops partner cant just unlearn everything he's learned growing up and adapt to a strange new behaviour instantly.

People forget this stuff when it's one person and not even something that's always been that way about the person.

If you start seeing somone who hates garlic, how long before you never slip up in just automatically using it as you always have?

I have a husband obsessed with music. And I am also a reader, though I do like music sometimes- just no constantly.

Fortunately, rap is not on the list of his favourites. If we are both in the room and I'm reading he wears headphones. But he's not pumping the bass out constantly. It's also his escape, but he doesn't need to escape ALL the time. And there are genres I'm happy to have playing on the weekend and in the afternoons that work for both of us.
He also uses headphones in bed to listen as he goes to sleep.
He plays the really loud obnoxious stuff when he works out, and that's fine. And we have a rule in the car, that the driver picks the music and the volume is reasonable.

A constant need for loud music suggests he's not comfortable in himself , and doesn't like being alone in his head listening to his thoughts( if you get me). And (sorry) that he is also deliberately blocking you out, especially with that it's better be good comment.

I think the idea of a previous poster that you reach a compromise sounds good. No one needs to blast music in the shower, and no one needs to be listening to it 24/7, especially over dinner or while the other person is asleep- that's selfish and rude. There are other means to deal with stress,and for my DH exercise worked - would that help yours?
If you are working together , headphones for him, not you.

You sound like you have misophonia and this article might help determine that.

www.health.harvard.edu/blog/misophonia-sounds-really-make-crazy-2017042111534

Either that, or it's driving you nuts because maybe he is, and this hatred of the music might be a bit of a manifestation of that.

[quote destinedtobeatiger]@SleepingStandingUp it is new as in a little over a year. I've never had it before. But now I can't stand shouting, even ripping up cardboard loudly. My mum is sensitive to sound. Do you know what it may be?[/quote]
No, but I think when stuff like this changes, it's worth checking with a GP etc.
And I think possibly the issue for him is he needs music l, you got together knowing he's like this then suddenly 2 years in you want silence. O can kinda understand why he's struggling to understand it.

Put up sound insulation or move to somewhere with better walls. Not joking. Failing that, separate your working spaces. Unless you live in a studio you should be able to do one of you in a bedroom and one in the living room.

And look up hyperacusis.

You could look at white noise apps - maybe pink noise or something like a fan noise - or noise cancelling headphones perhaps. But note it does take a while for your brain to get used to these noises and learn to ignore them. They are not an instant fix.

I do think it's reasonable that you demand a chunk of time every day so you can communicate together. Some people's brains can tune out background music and others' can't. If you are in a relationship with someone who can't then you need to have a rule like music off for meals at the very least. My husband and I are on different ends of the spectrum though not to the same degree. I can't contemplate cooking, cleaning or DIY without music whereas he wouldn't turn it on for preference. We live in a house with lots of doors, and we listen to R4 comedy show boxsets rather than having music on in his car.

I would hate this. I love silence. Occasional music is fine, but all the time would drive be insane. YANBU

*me not be!

@Wearywithteens

“Beware the man who will do anything for anyone but is quite different at home.”

Yes this^this is the red flag. Benevolent and caring when in public but generally a selfish silent prick at home. This is not about your sensitive hearing. This is about your love blindness.

White Knight Syndrome, look it up OP.

I cannot imagine choosing music in the shower over my partner's sleep. It's such a tiny compromise and an absolute no brainer.

He is not trying to disrupt my sleep when he has his music in the shower, he is just oblivious and thinks it's so much quieter than it is. I can't be bothered to argue with him every day. If I told him how much it bothered me he would turn it down for about a week and then just forget. He's just a bit in his own world really. He does really car he just cannot understand. We have different ideas of quiet.

This is bollocks. He doesn't forget, he's not oblivious. He just wants what he wants. Admitting that would really help you.

I really don't think he is being fairly portrayed here

Er you're the one describing him!