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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think others would find this very irritating too?

120 replies

destinedtobeatiger · 21/10/2020 18:03

DP and I argue day in day out about this.

I am very very sensitive to sound. I don't know why. If theres a slight noise as i'm falling asleep I will bolt awake and listen to make sure that no-one is breaking in.

The argument:
DP plays music constantly. When we wake up, when eating breakfast, (self employed) while working from home, in bed before sleep, while cooking, using the bathroom etc. He likes to play this outloud whenever possible.

After many many arguments he now uses wireless headphones when I am in the room and plays it loud when I am not.

The walls are very thin.

I wake up every morning to his rap music bellowing from the ensuite. He is in the shower so can't use headphones and was very upset at the idea of showering without music. The music is as quiet as it can be to still hear it over the shower, but I still hear it really loudly and it just makes me so miserable. I can't explain it, I never used to be like this. I find it so irritating and unpleasant.

If I ever want DP attention he has his earphones in. So instead of just talking to him across the room, I have to wave at him. He gets annoyed when he has to take his headphones out to talk to me 'so it better be good'.

Often I can't get his attention so I either text him, or walk all the way up to his table just to ask him if he wants to go for a walk later. It feels very frustrating. He says that I can stop doing this by just letting him play his music outloud.

it don't feel lonely because I keep myself entertained but it is very disconnecting and not my ideal at all. There is never any small talk, which doesn't bother me but I would like more conversations in general.

Music isn't at all important in my life. Am I being disrespectful to impose my opinion that music shouldn't be consumed all the time on him? His family are all like him.

Any time I walk out the room he puts his music out loud, but I can hear it through the walls. I just can't escape it. When I come in, he takes a very long time to put his headphones back on and gets annoyed. I can often hear the music through the headphones as its so loud, but I have given up asking him to turn it down.

We get on so well with everything else. But I really like peace and quiet and I don't want my thoughts interrupted with such aggressive music in my home. I just don't get the constant rap and latin music all the time.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 21/10/2020 18:30

I'd struggle too. I prefer quiet to music any day.

Can you compromise on when and where? So he can have music on when he gets up, showers and has breakfast then it goes off during the day. Back on again while he cooks dinner and potters about. Off again while you eat etc.

Would that work?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2020 18:32

A man who plays fucking rap music in the bathroom whilst his partner is still sleeping is not kind. He's a self-absorbed pillock.

HollowTalk · 21/10/2020 18:33

He acts like a teenager, doesn't he?

veeboo · 21/10/2020 18:37

I'm not sure I agree that headphones are an enormous compromise. He has created a situation where you can't communicate with each other and is blaming it on you. A compromise would be music free time that you spend together and not playing it at all when you're in bed.

Bargebill19 · 21/10/2020 18:37

Exactly the same here, only it’s his phone and tiktok. I ignore him - live my own life. Sad but true. If he can’t be bothered to switch it off and engage with life around him, it’s his loss.
If you find a solution - please let us know.

Original poster
destinedtobeatiger · 21/10/2020 18:39

@Bargebill19 is it not a deal breaker for you?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 21/10/2020 18:40

I would find it incredibly irritating, selfish and thoughtless. But if he's fab in other ways, you have the same goals and visions and can put up with him upsetting you, ignoring you and making conversations difficult, then how irritating others find it is irrelevant.

ABCDay · 21/10/2020 18:41

OP, he's not kind, caring and generous if he says "it better be good" when you have to audacity to ask him to listen to something you want to say!

Have you been feeling like this for the whole 3 years or has something changed? You mention his stress with his business, how does that make him behave?

Idoknowwhatyoumean · 21/10/2020 18:42

I don't want to leave and he has made enormous compromises including buying wireless headphones which are very expensive when were not well off

Yet you have to do most compromising, having to listen through thumping music through walls, he won’t even consider not playing music in the shower!

Don’t have children with him fgs. He would sit ignoring any child so he could have his music.

Shalliornot · 21/10/2020 18:44

I had a bad bout of depression a few years ago and repetitive phrases in music (which is most music) were completely unbearable, they felt like insects buzzing and bashing around in my head. I still find constant music really hard to cope with but my husband is the opposite and I truly think he doesn’t understand what it is like.

I’m not going to leave him because of it, but I go out more than I would 😁, noise cancelling headphones are good. We find ways around each other and compromise (sometimes). I feel that I can’t impose silence on him anymore than he can impose noise on me but I do need a bit of give and take. It can be tricky though you have my sympathy!

Wearywithteens · 21/10/2020 18:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Ylvamoon · 21/10/2020 18:47

I think you are incompatible.

He loves loud music, you don't.

You'll have the same arguments for years to come... 5... 10... 15 ... years? And then Divorce?
I'd call it quits. Its just not working.

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 18:47

IMO his right to music in his own home is the same as your right to silence in your own home. I rarely listen to music but it's very important to my DH and I think he'd genuinely rather be dead than deaf because it speaks to the very core of his being, his mental health and his happiness. If he's wearing headphones as a compromise then could you try wearing earplugs too? Between the two of you, you should be able to balance it.

Original poster
destinedtobeatiger · 21/10/2020 18:49

honesty I am not perfect, I can get very irritable. I can get annoyed when he interrupts me while I read.

We both work in one room now were working from home over lockdown.

It really takes a toll. I know as soon as we van both get out it will get significantly better as we wont be on top of each other all day

The situation is far from ideal.

I do also think he would make a great dad. He has a young sibling and is so kind and caring. He cooks for me a lot to, dishes he doesn't care for but just because they're my favourites. He is very understanding when I am going through harder times. He is supportive of my career. He drove all the way to London and back to pick up my sister who was going through a touch time, that was a 16h round trip. He said he was glad he could do it. He volunteers alot in the community, he helps alot of strangers.

It is hard to grasp a whole essence of a person when I have just highlighted the bad thing. But there is so much good there too.

OP posts:
64sNewName · 21/10/2020 18:49

He does sound really unpleasant. I think my initial moderate response upthread was coloured by the fact that I am so used to telling myself my own noise sensitivity is a bit unreasonable, in the context of my home — but that is very different because I have a dc with sen, whereas you have an adult in your home deliberately being rude to you, when he’s supposed to love you.

because he grew up this way he doesn't see anything wrong with it and doesn't understand why it upsets me so much

^ That’s so clearly nonsense though. Can you not see that? Any adult of normal intelligence is capable of understanding that it is valid for different people to be upset by different things.

He understands. He just doesn’t like it, and is choosing to distress and upset you rather than acknowledge your needs are legit.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/10/2020 18:50

I'd be curled up in a ball crying after a few days of this, excess noise is used as torture and I'd craxk quickly.

I don't think he is comprising OP. Being deliberately loud when you are asleep, being annoyed when you want to talk - horrible behaviour.

Shalliornot · 21/10/2020 18:50

Are the “this better be good comments” while he is working or at anytime he is listening to the music? Working doesn’t excuse the rudeness of course

64sNewName · 21/10/2020 18:53

I am not perfect, I can get very irritable. I can get annoyed when he interrupts me while I read

You don’t need to be perfect to deserve to be treated considerately.

Anyway, if you’re living in an environment where mental peace is so hard to find, no wonder you’re irritable when your focus is interrupted.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/10/2020 18:56

So. There's no real issue then?

Coffeeandaride · 21/10/2020 18:57

I’d find it very wearing to have constant noise. Can you wear ear defenders for reading? Although this won’t help the communication Smile.
Can you compromise on all meals/ walks etc to be headphone free?
Can you ask him to set a maximum volume?

Twattergy · 21/10/2020 18:58

Write your list of non negotiables 'e.g. music must be off when I'm asleep' he writes his list. Make a deal where you both have to compromise on same number of things so that it is fair. I think headphones are a partial compromise but id hate to live with someone wearing headphones a lot of the time. Huge barrier. You could put on your list that he can only wear them at certain times/max amount of time per day? i love music but id never impose my personal choice of music loudly upon my cohabitees day in day out. It's inconsiderate.

TobblyBobbly · 21/10/2020 18:58

The music thing would drive me insane. And the "this better be good" comment is just rude!

SPLUGSYMALONE · 21/10/2020 18:59

Has he ever lived with anyone other than you and his family?

I can't see anyone putting up with this tbh.

Also, the "he'd make a lovely father comment" is just laughable. Selfish men very rarely make good fathers.

He won't even put your needs on the same level as his wants, how would he cope with the demands of a child?

TheOrigRights · 21/10/2020 19:01

Sounds like my kid on the Xbox - but he's 11 and there are boundaries in place.
I'd hate it.

Bargebill19 · 21/10/2020 19:02

@destinedtobeatiger

No it’s not a deal breaker. But then we live very separate yet together lives these days and have for over a decade. (Together over 30 years no children). We are much more like housemates or brother and sister.
It works. We’ve got to the stage where we run along together and neither can be bothered to find anyone else. We recognise that life is financially better for us to stay together rather than split.
He works nights mid week to mid week and I work Monday to Friday days and evenings. That way we both have space. The covid situation has been a blessing in that holidays are not an option. I have my finances and he has his. We do discuss big household expenditure.
We continue to tick along.