to think others would find this very irritating too?

[destinedtobeatiger]

DP and I argue day in day out about this.

I am very very sensitive to sound. I don't know why. If theres a slight noise as i'm falling asleep I will bolt awake and listen to make sure that no-one is breaking in.

The argument:
DP plays music constantly. When we wake up, when eating breakfast, (self employed) while working from home, in bed before sleep, while cooking, using the bathroom etc. He likes to play this outloud whenever possible.

After many many arguments he now uses wireless headphones when I am in the room and plays it loud when I am not.

The walls are very thin.

I wake up every morning to his rap music bellowing from the ensuite. He is in the shower so can't use headphones and was very upset at the idea of showering without music. The music is as quiet as it can be to still hear it over the shower, but I still hear it really loudly and it just makes me so miserable. I can't explain it, I never used to be like this. I find it so irritating and unpleasant.

If I ever want DP attention he has his earphones in. So instead of just talking to him across the room, I have to wave at him. He gets annoyed when he has to take his headphones out to talk to me 'so it better be good'.

Often I can't get his attention so I either text him, or walk all the way up to his table just to ask him if he wants to go for a walk later. It feels very frustrating. He says that I can stop doing this by just letting him play his music outloud.

it don't feel lonely because I keep myself entertained but it is very disconnecting and not my ideal at all. There is never any small talk, which doesn't bother me but I would like more conversations in general.

Music isn't at all important in my life. Am I being disrespectful to impose my opinion that music shouldn't be consumed all the time on him? His family are all like him.

Any time I walk out the room he puts his music out loud, but I can hear it through the walls. I just can't escape it. When I come in, he takes a very long time to put his headphones back on and gets annoyed. I can often hear the music through the headphones as its so loud, but I have given up asking him to turn it down.

We get on so well with everything else. But I really like peace and quiet and I don't want my thoughts interrupted with such aggressive music in my home. I just don't get the constant rap and latin music all the time.

His behaviour with music is extreme.

It's not the extreme-end-of-normal, it's extreme.

He can't expect you to accommodate it, constantly. Playing it while you're sleeping is so unbelievably selfish.

Its you who is portraying him here and I think we get the drift. I’m sorry but he’s not caring, as he doesn’t care enough to supposedly remember you like to sleep and not be awakened by -a teenager- playing loud rap! If he was a caring person he simply would not do that.

How old are you? As you’re talking about him possibly being a great father-trust me, he will not-it sounds like you’re young enough to move on -and spend time with some grown ups who are not selfish arses- This will be a very lonely miserable existence if you don’t.

he has made enormous compromises including buying wireless headphones which are very expensive when were not well off.

Sorry but I didn't really make it past this part of an earlier post. How is it a compromise if family finances have been spent on an expensive item? What did he actually give up?

To be fair on him, you say that has aversion to noise has developed in you over the last year. So he hasn't changed, you have.

Well - it does sound completely intolerable. Yes, anyone would be "irritated" by it.

You don't like people perceiving this behaviour as selfish. Okay, leave that out of the picture. What you have is someone who is disturbed and made miserable, unable to get away from this barrage of sound, woken up by it - and a partner who gets "very upset" at the thought of even taking a shower without this loud music. Do you think this situation is sustainable? Can you envisage a relationship where you continue to live together without it always being you that has to compromise?

The thing about constant noise is that it can really grind you down and make it hard to think - if you can, perhaps spend a couple of days somewhere without the noise, see how you feel.

I never understand these posts about these men who forget things when repeatedly told. Or who are in their own world when it comes to things like this. But can function fully in the world of work for example.

OP you say he's great and lovely. But if he was he'd make and effort to understand this. It's not the same compromise from both sides, he like to play music so it's a preference. For yiu too loud music causes genuine distress, so it's not really a case of I'd just prefer yiu didn't.

Also yiu haven't addressed the fact he's so rude about talking the headphones out. So he clearly does have an attitude about it.

Is his name Stan by any chance? Cos that didn’t end well...

I bet he doesn't play rap out loud or have his headphones on playing rap when he was working in his office or visiting his grandma

You're becoming sensitive to other noise because you're being tortured by never ending noise (rap is worst) without any respite throughout your day and even being woken up by it when sleeping

He has habits that few others would be able to live with, regardless of the other nice things he does

Piping in rap or aggressive music loudly day and night Is known as a well used interrogation method for intensive (torture) questioning of terrorist suspects, but even they only do it for 2-5 days!! It'd drive most sane people mad.

Also this as another PP said
But it sounds as if he uses it almost like a weapon to escape communication with you which I find quite passive aggressive.

Fgs if he can't turn his music off when you're together to spend time with you and just chill and communicate sometimes, what is the point of co existing but being in separate worlds? I get a couple hours of listening to music in the day but not 24/7

I grew up in a house of musicians and I'm not remotely interested in music. I have such a strong reaction to certain songs that were played constantly in my childhood. I had an otherwise wonderful childhood so it goes to show how much constant noise can get under your skin. I love peace and quiet and couldn't choose to love with constant music on. I left home as early as I could because of it! YANBU.

*live

@MootingMirror

IMO his right to music in his own home is the same as your right to silence in your own home. I rarely listen to music but it's very important to my DH and I think he'd genuinely rather be dead than deaf because it speaks to the very core of his being, his mental health and his happiness. If he's wearing headphones as a compromise then could you try wearing earplugs too? Between the two of you, you should be able to balance it.

I do not know ANYONE who wants to wear earplugs in their home 24/7 so their inconsiderate arse of a partner can have his music as loud as he likes.

I have to wear them because H snores, and they are horrible... and that's in bed at night.

I do also think he would make a great dad
On what basis, op? He doesn't talk to you, and won't turn his music down for you, what makes you think he would be different with a child?

He is very understanding when I am going through harder times
This situation is causing you to go through harder times, no? Not so very understanding, is he?

he helps alot of strangers
yet isn't happy to help you to have some sleep/peace and quiet in your home?

SleepingStandingUp it is new as in a little over a year. I've never had it before. But now I can't stand shouting, even ripping up cardboard loudly. My mum is sensitive to sound. Do you know what it may be?

Please op... make this connection... The fact that you are exposed to loud music, almost constantly, I would say. You are constantly in sensory overload and any small noise is unbearable. Judging by this, your partner doesn't give a damn about it. You cannot rest in your own home op... that's not living, and it's no wonder that you have noise sensitivity issues.

He is not trying to disrupt my sleep when he has his music in the shower, he is just oblivious and thinks it's so much quieter than it is ... If I told him how much it bothered me he would turn it down for about a week and then just forget. He's just a bit in his own world really. He does really car he just cannot understand. We have different ideas of quiet

Oh no sweetheart... he doesn't forget.
He KNOWS.
He just doesn't care enough about you to adjust his selfish ways.
He just hopes that you forget that he doesn't care... he keeps doing the same thing and to hell with your feeling.

This is a cycle. I bet you have told him enough times that it bothers you.

I get that you are not likely to leave. But you are settling for a man who is walking all over your feelings day in, day out and putting his needs over your comfort.

How can you get on when he never wants to listen to you or communicate with you?
Ok can you not see how disrespectful and uncaring he towards you?
If his family are the same,can you see him ever changing?
If I were in your position I would end the relationship.
Get your finances together then either chuck him out of leave,depending on who owns or rents your home.don't wait around thinking you can change him,you won't.

How long have you been together?
Did you used to like music or has he recently started doing this?.

Sound awful. Time to move on.

Oh my god OP this would drive me absolutely insane. I don’t like music playing round the house anyway but for it to be constant like that I just couldn’t do it. You’re not being unreasonable at all.

My STBEXH was like this, used to drive me insane. I like music, but don't need it playing 24/7 and quite like peace and quiet. He did suffer with low level tinnitus - surprisingly from too load music and said that this helped.

Boiled frog.
Look after yourself @destinedtobeatiger
He’s trampling over your boundaries

He gets "very upset" when he can't play music in the shower what a knob.

Is there something wrong with him? Can he not bear to be alone with his thoughts? I'd find him a pain in the arse but since you think he's wonderful then talk to him properly about it and set down explicit limits on his music use. A fair compromise like no music before 12pm or something? Or after 10pm or whatever you think you'll be able to live with that won't give you the absolute rage. Don't let him "forget" make it explicit enough and stick to the limits when he pushes the boundaries (yes this does sound like how you discipline a toddler, as that's how he's acting).

Did his family really have music on ALL the time growing up? Are they musicians or something?

I would hate it. I used to work somewhere with music playing all day and it drove me up the wall.

He is very unreasonable to say he doesn’t understand why you don’t like constant music. It is quite blinkered to think that everybody should be like you and your family. If I was you I’d bring it up with him again and really explain your issue with it as you’ve done in this thread. You are not being unreasonable.

Is he also listening to music on headphones and telling strangers ‘it better be good’ when he’s being so wonderful volunteering or caring for his sibling?

I would find this infuriating and upsetting. A grown man who has an obsession - it’s akin to gaming that Mumsnet (in general) hates. It’s fine at normal levels but his behaviour is obsessive and inconsiderate.

If you need silence and he needs music and the compromise isn't working well but you both want to stay together, could to do one day off and one day on, so you both get respite from the stressful audio environment you both feel and accept that it is one of the challenges of the pandemic and temporary?