Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not up to children what a new baby is or isn't called?

227 replies

PiccoloPies · 21/10/2020 16:45

If you were choosing the name of your baby and your existing children hated it, would you change it?

My husband's children don't like the name we've chosen and regularly tell us such and have complained that we should choose something else.

We aren't changing it but AIBU to think most people don't put it down to a family vote when deciding names?

OP posts:
willowmelangell · 21/10/2020 20:27

Aww I slightly got the wrong end of the stick here.
Way back. My eldest dd at primary school, a lad in her class had a sister on the way, he was told he could pick the baby middle name. He liked my dd and chose her name as his new dsis middle name.
Roll a few years forward. My youngest dd at primary school, she had a best mate. Best mate mummy had a baby girl on the way. Best mate chose my youngest dd name for her new baby sister name.
Still gets me a bit misty eyed.
Just so you know, my dd's have terrific names.

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 21/10/2020 20:35

DD3 would have been called Frisky.

DD1 said, tearfully, “We’ve never had a baby called Frisky before”.

It was the name of the HAMSTER in the book she was reading.

WoobyWoo · 21/10/2020 20:37

I was allowed to pick my little brother’s middle name. Thomas (the Tank Engine) was vetoed but Henry was allowed. Grin

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/10/2020 20:38

Normally it's a no from me. But they're not your children, they're DH's and although they're not aware of it enough to say it, they may be afraid that once baby arrives they'll be pushed out of what they see becoming your nuclear family. Being involved with choosing the name may be their way of trying to make sure that they don't become separated from you, wanting to feel that the new family will still be their family.

Can you compromise? Let them be involved in choosing a middle name?

jillandhersprite · 21/10/2020 20:42

This is one where I think you've made it awkward before the birth by deciding the name you like and sharing that information with anybody. Even if you have got a favourite name - its much easier to tell people you're not decided, got a few options, waiting till baby is here to make a decision.
If the stepchildren have said they hate it - its setting up for a confrontation that just isn't needed. They feel like you don't care about their feelings, you feel like its not their decision to be involved in and its just going to be uncomfortable for a while...

Waveysnail · 21/10/2020 20:51

We never discussed names with the kids. We just brought the baby home and introduced them as Tinkerbell (made up name btw)

81Byerley · 21/10/2020 20:51

My Grandson gave his brother his 2nd name. Rex. First name began with T !!

ellentree · 21/10/2020 20:55

I wouldn't use something they didn't like once they were 5 or older.

I remember when I was about 14 and a friend's mum was having a baby and wanted to call it Axel - my friend and her sister really didn't like it so their parents chose another name and how relieved she was!

Isthisnothing · 21/10/2020 21:25

I tried to involve my teenage dsds when I was pregnant - I welcomed, discussed and recorded all suggestions onto a list.

The eldest (17 at the time) then told me I would NOT be using the name I decided I wanted as she didn't like it. I stopped bothering with the list and discussions after that.

Original poster
PiccoloPies · 21/10/2020 21:27

@AldiAisleofCrap

Yes of course I would, interesting this is your step children.
Is it really that interesting?

I assume you are trying to suggest I would think differently if they were my children. Unfortunately for you, I would still think the same.

If they had a valid reason for not liking the name like they'd been bullied by someone with it then I could understand (and I have already said we crossed a name off the list for this reason that we liked) but 'I just don't' isn't really a reason I care enough about to change my mind 🤷

OP posts:
Rotundandhappy · 21/10/2020 21:28

It is madness to throw naming a baby open to the floor, especially to children. Kids are not able to do something like that sensibly. As a kid, if asked to help name my sibling, I would have probably wanted to name him ‘Pony’ or ‘Purple’ or ‘Poobumsruinedmylife’. As it is, he was introduced to me with his name which I simply accepted as who he was. And then I poked him in the eye.

Original poster
PiccoloPies · 21/10/2020 21:29

They feel like you don't care about their feelings

Have you spoken with them? How can you know this is how they feel?

There really is no confrontation, everyone is fine. No one is crying over names or anything. They are very happy children who are involved and excited about their new sibling.

OP posts:
birdling · 21/10/2020 21:32

My eldest was 6 when my youngest was born. He wanted us to call her Rosie, which we wouldn't have chosen, but we gave her Rose as middle name. It meant a lot to him knowing he helped to name his baby sister.

Original poster
PiccoloPies · 21/10/2020 21:35

“Just not liking” is as much of a reason as most parents have for not wanting many names, so I’m not sure why it’s seen as insufficient for children who probably have less experience analysing and articulating such matters. Is it really so hard to find a name you are all okay with?

Well as harsh as it may sound, it's an 'insufficient' reason (as you put it), because it isn't their baby and as others have pointed out, children's likes and dislikes change like the wind. They don't have to call any future child this if they don't like, that would be their decision.

And yes, it took me and DH long enough to decide on this name that we both liked. It really isn't as easy (for us anyway!) as just choosing another one that everyone loves.

OP posts:
EhUp · 21/10/2020 21:39

This is another good example of my it's never a good idea to share the name with anyone beyond the 2 parents prior to birth

Once the baby is here and has been named then most people (including children) just tend to accept it and say "what a lovely name" regardless of what they really think, but if you share it before the baby is born there is an assumption you are asking for opinions (and it's hard to hold back from saying something if you really dislike the name!)

Assuming the DC are not toddlers then I would explore the reasons with them and depending on their reasoning then I may be inclined to take their opinions on board depending what they say

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/10/2020 21:46

Well as harsh as it may sound, it's an 'insufficient' reason (as you put it), because it isn't their baby

Fair enough if that's how you feel, but you posted to ask AIBU when actually you'd already decided.

SunshineCake · 21/10/2020 21:53

@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou

DS2 has demanded we call his sister the feminine version of his name.

I'm not even pregnant. Confused :o

Are you sure?Wink
Original poster
PiccoloPies · 21/10/2020 21:55

@Feedingthebirds1

Well as harsh as it may sound, it's an 'insufficient' reason (as you put it), because it isn't their baby

Fair enough if that's how you feel, but you posted to ask AIBU when actually you'd already decided.

I stated in my OP that I wasn't changing my mind on the name. I was asking if IWBU to think people don't usually take a family vote on names...

We aren't changing it but AIBU to think most people don't put it down to a family vote when deciding names?

OP posts:
Pixxie7 · 21/10/2020 22:03

My daughter named her brother.

BlueThistles · 21/10/2020 22:08

Is this perhaps why there are lots of Peppa's and Pocoyo's running around pre-schools Grin

NeverAMillionMilesAway · 21/10/2020 22:13

When my mum had number three, us older kids were asked to put together a list of 10 names. (They used one for middle name in the end)

Better idea is to do a shortlist of around 3 you really like and get them to pick one from that!

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/10/2020 22:28

@PiccoloPies

“Just not liking” is as much of a reason as most parents have for not wanting many names, so I’m not sure why it’s seen as insufficient for children who probably have less experience analysing and articulating such matters. Is it really so hard to find a name you are all okay with?

Well as harsh as it may sound, it's an 'insufficient' reason (as you put it), because it isn't their baby and as others have pointed out, children's likes and dislikes change like the wind. They don't have to call any future child this if they don't like, that would be their decision.

And yes, it took me and DH long enough to decide on this name that we both liked. It really isn't as easy (for us anyway!) as just choosing another one that everyone loves.

I didn’t suggest that everyone had to love it. That’s a very high bar to set. Just that none of those asked dislike it.

I agree kids tend to be more fickle than adults, especially if they’re quite young. However, having asked them for their opinion (which is the impression you’ve given, though you haven’t been very explicit about how you put it to them so I may be reading more into it than was there) you should give their opinion more weight than you seem to be. In part because you set their expectation that they will have a say and their disappointment with apparently having their opinion dismissed could carry over into their feelings about their new sibling (i.e. what was just a fickle dislike of a name becomes a more concrete dislike because they were asked and, from their perspective, ignored).

Your AIBU was whether baby names were a vote or not, which I think YANBU about. But it doesn’t sound like you made it a vote, you asked for input and when it made things awkward discounted it. I think that can be a set up for disappointment and bad feeling.

Saracen · 22/10/2020 01:50

Everybody in our family had veto power if they particularly disliked a name. That got us down to a shortlist of names everybody could live with, and DH chose because I didn't really mind which one we had. I suppose if DH had been similarly unbothered, we would have let DC choose which of the shortlisted names we used.

It seems a good way to involve kids. I didn't give my DC much of a say over anything else about the baby, so why not the name?

Elsewyre · 22/10/2020 01:59

Well it gives you heads up to what the kid will face in school so might w useful

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 22/10/2020 02:15

Didn't occur to me to ask the SC for their opinions on baby names - they were teens at the time. I had always known that if I had a boy, I was going to use a specific name, and DH wanted a family name as a middle name, so that was that. But thinking about it I do remember my parents agonising over names for my little sister (I was named after a family member but they wanted something more modern for my sis) and I was part of those discussions. I haven't thought about that in years.