MIL and chocolate

[Verity35]

Advice pls or just allow me to vent!

MIL family all have diabetes so you would think she would know better. She has started looking after my 2 year old whilst I work so when I go to Pick him up along with my 6 year old DD she grabs her and gives her the following everytime: Kit Kat chunky, hairibo sweets and sometimes jelly. We have had huge fights in the past as she’s very controlling and things are better now so I don’t want to rock the boat but I’m very angry thst I’ve told her in past dd doesn’t eat dinner when she’s full up on junk but her and Fil laugh at me and say I’m overreacting when I mention junk food and diabetes. I really hate them, I’m seeing them tomorrow and I’m worried I’m going to lose it. I’m due on my period so feeling extra grouchy and sensitive.

I’m really sick of my mil. I’m not worried about 2 year old as he hated anything sweet and he’s chucked biscuits at her when she offers him one!

I stupidly asked my mum for advice and her reaction has made me even angrier - she told me “please don’t say anything, she won’t like it, we gave you kids sweets and chocolate ALL the time and you’re fine. Please don’t say anything to your mil you’re just gonna start a fight”.

I wouldn't be keen on that many treats either really. Is she more likely to listen to your DP/DH on the matter, since he's her son?

Ignore the arseholes. They're seething with badly concealed jealously that you get free childcare from a relative and they don't.

Just put them away in a cupboard and dish out sparingly as a treat. Problem solved.

You have to regulate your kids

@HavelockVetinari

A diet high in sugary crap is strongly correlated with type II diabetes.

Correlation and causation are not the same thing. Which you know right? Obesity and too much sugar have relationship to diabetes as do many other behaviours and factors.

OP if you're going to use your mil for free childcare then you need to accept how she is. Yiu could try keeping the sweets for after dinner. If he's not that bothered by them then is there a big issue?

You need to find a way to pay for childcare if you aren't happy, pretty simple really...

Does she pick your children up every day or just a couple?

I don't think there's anything wrong with a small amount of sweets two or three days a week. Jelly and fruit makes a nice pudding too or are kids not allowed a pudding nowadays?

It's a question of how much and how often.

I'd be livid if someone gave my child sweets against my will, not only teeth but I don't want a fat child. Constant sweets rot teeth really quickly. My son has always had perfect teeth and still does at 40 because he wasn't constantly being stuffed with them.
What's wrong with people that they can't respect the parents wishes. Give them books crayons, whatever if they muct give the children a treat.
I'd definitely find alternative childcare until she learns to respect your wishes for your children.

Patiently waiting for this thread to disappear as it’s too outing or some nonsense...

I find it interesting that some people ask for advice on MN and then when they don’t get the advice they want or think they should have they then get all stroppy with some of the comments that have been posted. You can’t get annoyed at people because they don’t agree with you 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not on for your inlaws to override your wishes, and your update adds more context to this obviously ongoing power struggle. Can you arrange a meeting with them both and you and your DH to have a sensible talk about it? Maybe suggest/supply some healthier snacks if they are incapable of controlling themselves.

I'm sorry, OP, it sounds like you really do have hate for your MIL. For the sake of your mental health (and your DC's teeth and sugar levels) you'd be better off keeping your DC at more of a distance. Accepting daycare for your DS is putting you in contact that could be avoided.

I'm a MIL, and I'd be so utterly mortified if my DIL had these feelings about me. It makes me really sad.

The thing is, I understand you AND THEIR SON can’t afford more nursery days, but it’s a bit much to hate the person who is saving you both so much money.

I’m afraid with free childcare you have to accept some of their little ways.

I hope your reference to “I can’t afford more” and “half my way” is just shorthand for “it’s equal to half of what I take home but of course comes from family money as they are DH / DP’s children too”

But I agree with PPs that nursery or CM would be a better option if you can.

Since you cannot stop your PIL from giving your dd the sweets, tell dd before you get there that if they give her sweets, say thank you and not to open them until after dinner,(or maybe only the smallest one?) otherwise there will be consecuences.

At 6, your daughter is old enough to understand that if granny gives her sweets, she’s to hand them to you to look after until later.

I think you have a few choices here.

Pay for childcare. It comes out of joint household income so it means whatever is left is the bonus money from you working for your family

Become a SAHP until you don't need to rely on MIL or pay for childcare. The net loss to your family is only the bonus money above. Only you know how much your family needs that.

Stop being so two-faced about your MIL. You don't have to love her as if she were your own mother, but you should be respectful of the fact that she's doing you a massive favour. You can remind her that it's not healthy for your DD to have so many sweets, and definitely not before a meal.

Where is your DH in all this? What does he say? Can you hand over the pickups to him? Are you looking for solutions here or do you just want to vent?

Frankly, i think you are BU and your MIL is being deliberately provocative (possibly because she knows you're using her despite the fact that you hate her)

How strict are you that DD must not eat the sweets at that time? Can you keep her next to you so MIL can’t keep handing them over?

Really though your DH should be stepping up here since it’s his mother - what’s his view?

[quote Verity35]@Bigdogsmalldog thank you! I only mentioned it for context - I.e. I might be working myself up due to hormones[/quote]
That was obvious to me, @Verity35.

I don’t think it is unreasonable of you to want your MIL to listen to you, and stop giving your dd so much chocolate - I am not a MIL yet (though ds1 just got engaged) but when I have DILs, I will respect their views.

I think the advice to take the sweets and save them for later, then give them out in sensible portions, is good. Or perhaps your MIL would adopt me - I am a chocoholic!

I mean, it was obvious that you mentioned your period in case your hormones were making you more worked up about this issue.

From what you've mentioned I remember your other threads OP and I don't think you are unreasonable. As I understand it: They look after your DS for free a few days a week. They do not look after DD as she is at school during this time. When you go to pick up DS, they give DD (in the car or by your side) sugary foods. Now, I don't think them offering (or begging) to have your DS means they can do whatever they want. Would it be okay if they decided to hit DD because they give you free childcare? (Obviously extreme but that's the point). We all know there is a current childhood obesity problem so for PPs to suggest that it isn't harmful to stuff kids full of sugary sweets is just purposefully obtuse, even if it doesn't do any physical damage right now a habit of binge eating crap isn't helpful as she grows up. YANBU but I do think if you'd have posted under your old username and people had seen your other threads they may not have been so rude, your MIL has been a nightmare and I really feel for you.

You have had some very mean responses! It is easy for some people to say stop using free childcare, it is never as simple as that!

I would tell them, thank you for the sweets we will take them home and have them after dinner or put them in a sweety box. Then keep them for another time/ration them for later.

Tell them you have been having trouble with meal times and are now only having sweets at a certain times or something like that. Keep it non confrontational otherwise they may try harder to give the sweets!

@HavelockVetinari I have type 1 diabetes it is an immune condition and wasn't caused by sugar. Thanks

I dont think your in the wrong here, I know on here it's a case of if you get free childcare you should keep quiet on whatever that person wants to do but that's not my RL experience. I've done LOTS of childcare for nieces, nephews and God children I always ask what they are allowed, not allowed. I know how my sister feels about sweets, etc and I keep to her preferences. My parents also do the same thing for any DC they look after. However I think it is more difficult when the person looking after your DC thinks they know best and that's were the issue lies. If your MIl was a normal, reasonable person she wouldn't behave on this way. If she is this difficult all of the time then I guess paid childcare is the only way forward. But I would try some of the things here such as explaining to your DD that it's not healthy or taking them and putting them away. My DD used to say to a relative that always used to try to feed her loads of junk 'I'm not allowed xx' if the person pushed she would just say, 'I don't want it'. For full disclosure I didn't have any free childcare as I lived miles away from family.

@Verity35 there’s a good subreddit for advice on mil and mum issues called justnomil. If you decide to post on there I think they give good advice generally, and loads of them have their own mil issues so understand where you’re coming from.