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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and chocolate

130 replies

Verity35 · 21/10/2020 16:37

Advice pls or just allow me to vent!

MIL family all have diabetes so you would think she would know better. She has started looking after my 2 year old whilst I work so when I go to Pick him up along with my 6 year old DD she grabs her and gives her the following everytime: Kit Kat chunky, hairibo sweets and sometimes jelly. We have had huge fights in the past as she’s very controlling and things are better now so I don’t want to rock the boat but I’m very angry thst I’ve told her in past dd doesn’t eat dinner when she’s full up on junk but her and Fil laugh at me and say I’m overreacting when I mention junk food and diabetes. I really hate them, I’m seeing them tomorrow and I’m worried I’m going to lose it. I’m due on my period so feeling extra grouchy and sensitive.

I’m really sick of my mil. I’m not worried about 2 year old as he hated anything sweet and he’s chucked biscuits at her when she offers him one!

I stupidly asked my mum for advice and her reaction has made me even angrier - she told me “please don’t say anything, she won’t like it, we gave you kids sweets and chocolate ALL the time and you’re fine. Please don’t say anything to your mil you’re just gonna start a fight”.

OP posts:
ImFree2doasiwant · 21/10/2020 17:12

If you can talk to her calmly, you can ask her not to give the sweets every time you see them. You could suggest a more suitable alternative (kit Kat chunky is far too big imo) that you're happy with, and dont let DD eat them. Or just say "No thank you " when she tries to give them.

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 17:12

Another vote for stop using her for free childcare.

HavelockVetinari · 21/10/2020 17:13

Becoming overweight or even just having a diet high in sugar regardless of weight in childhood can and does lead to health problems later in life. Take the sweets and chocolate off your DD and tell her she's not allowed it. Or tell her say "Mummy says I'm not allowed sugar before dinner, please can I take it with me?" Then put it on a shelf 'for another time' and conveniently forget about it.

Are you sure PIL are following other health advice though? E.g. cutting grapes in half, using car seats etc.?

Original poster
Verity35 · 21/10/2020 17:13

Wow! Some nasty responses! What is wrong with some of you Angry

Thank you to the suggestions! I’ll try some.

OP posts:
Bigdogsmalldog · 21/10/2020 17:14

@VainAbigail

I’m due on my period

No one needs or wants to know this

Are you serious?? Get a grip, we're all adults here. If you hadn't noticed, we're no longer in the 1950s and periods aren't taboo anymore.
Meepmeeep · 21/10/2020 17:14

You can’t afford to put them anywhere else then you just need to suck it up.

Original poster
Verity35 · 21/10/2020 17:15

@Bigdogsmalldog thank you! I only mentioned it for context - I.e. I might be working myself up due to hormones

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 21/10/2020 17:16

It sounds as if your issues with her run much deeper than the giving of sweets (you "hate" both her and your FIL for example), so I'm surprised you use her for childcare. I suppose if the arrangement is going to continue all you can do is keep asking her not to give your DD the sugary stuff.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 21/10/2020 17:16

OP, your MIL doesn’t owe you free childcare. Your child is your responsibility and 3 days free childcare is a lot for her to be doing every week.

I don’t think you are wrong for not wanting your child to eat all of this sugary food but I think you can’t really complain if the childcare is free.

In your position I would be looking to change my job so I can afford childcare or work fewer hours. Btw, what does your DH/DP say about this? As it’s his parents I think he should be the one or speak to them.

TidyDancer · 21/10/2020 17:16

Why don't you just take them and say "thank you, we'll save them for later"?

Pumpertrumper · 21/10/2020 17:16

No I can’t afford any more days. He does 2 days at nursery and 3 days with them. The 2 days he does is over half my monthly wage. I have hardly anything left over as it is

You’re being a massive choosy beggar OP and ofc YABU

You can take the free childcare and accept MIL will behave this way. Or you can make alternative arrangements. YOUR CHOICE

ChristmasCantComeSoonEnough · 21/10/2020 17:16

Firstly if you want the free childcare you do have to put up with her ways of doing things and be a bit more gracious.
Secondly you are the parent in charge of your daughter when your MIL gives her the sweets so you can pocket them for later. At 6 she is old enough to understand that you want the best for her and eating healthily is part of that. Use it as part of educating her about why she shouldn’t eat all that junk so near to dinner.
Oh and period or no period make sure you thank her when you pick up your 2 year old, they are incredibly demanding at that age and she is saving you a fortune.

fizzyp0p · 21/10/2020 17:17

Sugar doesn't cause diabetes

Scweltish · 21/10/2020 17:18

Ignore all the nobheads op. I’m with you on this one. Looking after someone’s child doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want with them just because you’re not charging their mum 🙄

SheepandCow · 21/10/2020 17:21

You never know. It might work the other way. An ex colleague has type 2 diabetes. Super fit and healthy. Never smoked, hates sugary foods, doesn't drink much alcohol, big on exercise, and has always been slim.

Obesity is just one potential cause (and remember there are many many overweight people without diabetes).
Genetics plays a large role. Possibly stress too.

My nan used to give us kids treats. It balanced out at home because our parents fed us healthily and we did loads of exercise. None of us are overweight (and reached adulthood with no fillings).
You can do that too. Just balance out nan's junk food treats with your healthy meals. Add in exercise and all good.

grapewine · 21/10/2020 17:21

I don’t think you are wrong for not wanting your child to eat all of this sugary food but I think you can’t really complain if the childcare is free

This is the crux of it.

Lardlizard · 21/10/2020 17:22

It a weird reaction in mumsnet, that if you get free childcare you can’t put a stop to a mil giving a young child this amount of sugar everytime

I can only imagine some people on here are very envious of the free childcare !

You should still be able to say not that amount and be respected
Have to tried talking to her yet
She might be more reasonable than you thjnk if you sit down and explain why and what the problem is
Try a good old fashion shit sandwich
You know
Butter her up a bit
Say how much you appreciate the help etc etc

Then Insert the shit out of the convo

Then wrap it up with something nice ?!

PotteringAlong · 21/10/2020 17:23

Looking after someone’s child doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want with them just because you’re not charging their mum 🙄

To be honest, as long as you’re not harming them or hurting them or doing something illegal with them in the house then it kind of does. If you want that level of control over how your children are looked after then you pay for it or you do it yourself.

HavelockVetinari · 21/10/2020 17:23

@fizzyp0p

Sugar doesn't cause diabetes
Congratulations! You win the Stupidest Person On The Internet Award for today!
VinylDetective · 21/10/2020 17:23

@Scweltish

Ignore all the nobheads op. I’m with you on this one. Looking after someone’s child doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want with them just because you’re not charging their mum 🙄
Think you’ll find it does, unless it’s dangerous.

Look on the bright side OP, if your period’s due, your Mil has supplied you with chocolate in readiness.

VainAbigail · 21/10/2020 17:24

Bigdogsmalldog

VainAbigail
I’m due on my period

No one needs or wants to know this
Are you serious?? Get a grip, we're all adults here. If you hadn't noticed, we're no longer in the 1950s and periods aren't taboo anymore

No one said they are! It’s just a completely irrelevant piece of information IMO!

HavelockVetinari · 21/10/2020 17:24

A diet high in sugary crap is strongly correlated with type II diabetes.

MootingMirror · 21/10/2020 17:25

@Scweltish

Ignore all the nobheads op. I’m with you on this one. Looking after someone’s child doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want with them just because you’re not charging their mum 🙄
It's not that you can do whatever you want. It's that OP can't have her cake and eat it. If she wants to control these things she should pay for the privilege. If someone is giving you a gift then you don't criticise and complain.
EatDessertFirst · 21/10/2020 17:25

I think if you are expecting free childcare then you need to change tactics. I agree with the pp that suggested intercepting the treats for 'after tea'. Either that or you will both just have to suck up the cost. You daughters dental health will suffer if you don't start doing something.

What does your DP/H say about this? Can he speak to his mother rather than you having to be the 'wicked DIL'?

Fink · 21/10/2020 17:25

It's far too much sugar, but you can't control what happens with free childcare and in particular it sounds like they will either argue to your face or just go behind your back and do it without telling you. This clearly isn't working out as an arrangement, you need to have professional childcare.