To wonder if only children are happier now?

[Buddytheelf85]

I was born in the 80s and was a very unhappy only child. That was for two main reasons:

1. My parents didn’t want to have an only child. They wanted more but couldn’t. That awful disappointment meant they were very overprotective and controlling and I bore all the weight of their expectations.
2. Being an only child was so unusual back then. I was the only only in a class of 30. I always felt so weird, I never felt ‘normal’. I used to daydream about having brothers and sisters. My parents also alienated me quite a lot from popular culture which meant that I really struggled to relate to other children - i.e. when they were talking about TV shows I’d have no idea.

But now having an only child seems to be very common. I have three friends who’ve been quite open about having ‘one and done’. And although I don’t know for sure, I think it’s a positive choice on their part - not the result of fertility problems for example. Apparently the children aren’t the only onlies in their classes at school. I also think nowadays the Internet means it’s much easier to stay in touch with popular culture and stay connected with other people.

I do appreciate that I’m talking in massive generalisations and everyone’s circumstances are different. But AIBU to wonder if it’s easier being an only child now than it was then?

This was discussed on Bringing Up Britain on Radio 4 today. Worth a listen!

DH said when we were weighing up whether to have a second child that the only consideration was whether we wanted another one because he knew that the feeling lots of people have that they 'had to' give their child a sibling wasn't necessary.

I do worry sometimes that my DD will resent us for not ‘giving’ her a sibling, but as others have pointed out, that in itself is not enough reason to create a new person.

Yes you’re both so right and that’s actually the reason I’ve been thinking about it. I am thinking about having a second child but I want to be 100% sure that I am doing it because I want a second child to parent and love, not to ‘give my child a sibling’ because I was an unhappy only child. So I’ve been thinking a lot about my feelings about being an only child as a result.

And that’s why I wondered if our changing society means that only children are generally happier now.

@Movement05

Was it? I’ll listen, thanks!

I think it's common now. I have one daughter and I know many parents who have one child, same as in my DD class.

I am thinking about having a second child though, it will be a big age gap (9 years) and I'm not doing it just to give my DD a sibling. She be fine either way.

I was 46. Only child. Never unhappy as a child.

It is definitely true that there are more only children by choice now, and that in the past it was more likely to be a result of secondary infertility. I think it’s much easier to be a happy only child if your parents are happy too.

No idea. I'm 31 and an only child. I had a good childhood and was happy playing but myself, supportive parents that were happy as long as i was happy and never pressured me to be the best. I had cousins the same age a short rural bike ride away but I still enjoy being by myself when I get the chance! I went the opposite way and had four dc (one an angel baby) and the mornings are still not a chaos im used too and my eldest is 8 😂 Now I'm older I do wish I had a sibling though for support as my parents get older etc

I was an only, born in the mid 70s. Always very happy being an only, plenty of friends and extended family, who we saw a lot, but I was always happy in my own company too. I still am.

I wanted to have only one child, but DH wanted at least two, and I ended up agreeing. There are four years between my DC. Wouldn’t swap DC2 for anything, obviously, and I love both children the same, but I would have happily stopped at one.

I would add that I was an only by choice, nothing to do with fertility issues and my parents are still together.

I could have written this OP.

Oddly I'm now one and done myself! I think I've learnt from my experiences though, so hoping I can help with some of the only issues for my child.

@MinnieJackson

No idea. I'm 31 and an only child. I had a good childhood and was happy playing but myself, supportive parents that were happy as long as i was happy and never pressured me to be the best. I had cousins the same age a short rural bike ride away but I still enjoy being by myself when I get the chance! I went the opposite way and had four dc (one an angel baby) and the mornings are still not a chaos im used too and my eldest is 8 😂 Now I'm older I do wish I had a sibling though for support as my parents get older etc

This tends to be common too that often only children go on to have bigger families themselves.

Interesting question actually. I often think years ago kids played outside more, were in and out of other people's houses so in some ways maybe oc wouldn't have lost out as much back then. It breaks my heart to think of one of my kids without the other. They play constantly and learn so much from each other.

I'm an only child of a single parent. My mother has ill health and is becoming more demanding of attention/assistance. To be honest, I'm a bit resentful that everything is falling to me.

@TheSussExDuchess

I'm an only child of a single parent. My mother has ill health and is becoming more demanding of attention/assistance. To be honest, I'm a bit resentful that everything is falling to me.

Having a sibling doesn't mean that they'll help though. Both DH, my ex and me were left by our siblings to take care of our terminally ill parents. I think my brother visited my mum twice in her last year and didn't even make her a cuppa. My dad was very ill last year, when he was home recovering after months in hospital, lost 4 stone, my brother went to visit and asked what was for dinner!

I'm an only, born in 1959 and perfectly happy with it. I can entertain myself, and actually prefer my own company. I like dealing with people at work, but once I'm home I don't want to talk to anyone else. I think I'm pretty independent too. My mother was also an only, born in the 1930s. I was once married, and tbh never found it easy living with another person, so happy now I live alone. I don't think it matters what era you were born in.

Now I'm older I do wish I had a sibling though for support as my parents get older etc

I used to wish that too, but have seen friends with siblings who are still left to do most of the work, without much support.

I was an only child in the 70s and 80s. My Mum only ever wanted one, she hated growing up with her sister and they are not close (her sister is lovely btw). I have no idea if I was the only, only child in my class at school, never gave it much thought, I was fine as an only. We lived on a street with lots of kids, I never felt lonely and could come home to my own space. I am happy to entertain myself.

DD is an only, I sort of planned to have two, but it took a long time to conceive her, she was the baby from hell and I ended up with really bad PND. I worried that we really wouldn't cope with a second. She is fine, though I think she has moments of loneliness, we're not close to family and she doesn't seem to get included in a lot of stuff with friends. Although when we do have friends/family to stay, she gets fraught after a while and is glad to get her space back when they've gone. I don't know of any other only children in her class and all the people I know have more than one.

For me, as an only, the only downside is there is no one to share the responsibility of elderly parents with, and I live quite far away, so I don't know how that will pan out. Although from looking at friends, having siblings is no guarantee that they will share that burden, in fact it makes it harder in some cases.

I do worry about DD being alone in the world, when we are gone. I hope she has her own family by then - she wants lots of kids!

I will add that DH has siblings, they fought a lot as children and they are not close now. He was quite happy to have an only child.
Some people do have unhappy childhoods, due in part to their siblings.

I am an only child from the 80’s, funny enough there were 4 of us only child’s in close proximity to my house. And I knew lots at school so it never seemed odd or unusual to me. I was happy but I knew no different I had relaxed parents who only wanted one child so they weren’t over protective. I spent all my time out playing with friends I was never lonely.

I am an only, my parents said they stopped at one for financial reasons. I was very aware this was uncommon in the 80s/90s. There was one other only in my class and I remember being jealous that her parents bought her a dog to keep her company whereas I was not allowed any pets.

I would have loved a sibling but I think that was also partially due to the fact that my parents were quite reclusive, my school was 10 miles from home which limited having friends over and I had limited extended family (no cousins). Having said that it has made me quite independent and I now love my own company.

@Buddytheelf85 I don’t think there is a wrong choice with this, but I will say it’s really common to think you couldn’t possibly love another child as much as your first. You do 😊

I was also born in the 80's, although I don't recall it being unusual at all. I had a great childhood as my parents were very involved and we loved doing things as a three. I am also likely to stick with just one, but I do feel judged for that decision.

The worst argument I hear repeatedly for more than one child is that it takes the pressure off when you grow old, but it always seems to be one sibling who takes on that particular responsibility anyway. I'd also rather make my own arrangements than be a burden to my child/children.

My DD (7) would love a brother or sister. She talks about it a lot but we're unable to have another one unfortunately.

So is the trend for having two children, exactly two years apart, over now? Everyone from my mummy-peer group when I had DS fitted this stereotype. I only have one other friend who has an 'only' and that's because like me she was 40+ when she had her. She did try for more (I didn't, or only for a minute before realising I'd rather get divorced LOL) but she wasn't successful.

I was an only child myself and was one of four in my class in the 80s. Most of my contemporaries were one of three siblings. The two kids thing started much later. A lot of families at DS's primary school had three or four kids though. I don't think there's been that much of a change, although there may be class-based variations.

I should add I was quite happy being an only child but with hindsight I could see various psychological effects which it had on me. I can usually spot when someone else (adult) is an only child because I recognise traits from myself. But it's not a big deal.

DS is less happy as an only than I was, although the wishing for a little brother is certainly railing off now as he enters the pre-teen 'hiding in his man cave' phase!