To wonder if only children are happier now?

[Buddytheelf85]

I was born in the 80s and was a very unhappy only child. That was for two main reasons:

1. My parents didn’t want to have an only child. They wanted more but couldn’t. That awful disappointment meant they were very overprotective and controlling and I bore all the weight of their expectations.
   
2. Being an only child was so unusual back then. I was the only only in a class of 30. I always felt so weird, I never felt ‘normal’. I used to daydream about having brothers and sisters. My parents also alienated me quite a lot from popular culture which meant that I really struggled to relate to other children - i.e. when they were talking about TV shows I’d have no idea.
   

But now having an only child seems to be very common. I have three friends who’ve been quite open about having ‘one and done’. And although I don’t know for sure, I think it’s a positive choice on their part - not the result of fertility problems for example. Apparently the children aren’t the only onlies in their classes at school. I also think nowadays the Internet means it’s much easier to stay in touch with popular culture and stay connected with other people.

I do appreciate that I’m talking in massive generalisations and everyone’s circumstances are different. But AIBU to wonder if it’s easier being an only child now than it was then?

[Buddytheelf85]

My parents and my FIL all had siblings and in every single case caring for/making arrangements for elderly parents was done almost entirely by one sibling, dictated in each case by geography. I love my brother very much and I'm glad he exists but I can tell you already that he'll be fuck all help when our parents are old and that I'll do it all.

Yeah, I’ve also noticed as a general rule that where there’s a sister/brother combo the sister often does the care of elderly parents!

[Buddytheelf85]

Childhood was fine although the attitudes about only children then were not great, spoilt, selfish etc...

Oh yes, that was something I remember finding tough. Whenever you in any way defended your territory as an only child someone would invariably say ‘I can tell YOU’RE an only child’ or something similar.

[Buddytheelf85]

It is definitely true that there are more only children by choice now, and that in the past it was more likely to be a result of secondary infertility. I think it’s much easier to be a happy only child if your parents are happy too.

@bookworm14

I think this is very true - I think in my case I very much became a repository for my parents’ disappointment and anxiety, and I bore the brunt of their difficulty coming to terms with their loss. Which I can understand.

There do seem to be many more only children by choice now and I wondered if being an only child by choice is more likely to be a happy experience for the child - because the parents will be content with their choice.

Not, of course, that I’m implying that children who are only children as a result of fertility problems are always unhappy - far from it. It’s all to do with how the parents process their loss. But I’m just saying that was my experience and it’s the experience of some other only children.

[MrsTumbletap]

I'm one and done and my DS is a really happy child that has always said he doesn't want sibling. He obviously doesn't know different but we ask him once a year at least just to know his opinion.

I have three friends that are one and done by choice and very happy.

My DS is never lonely or bored, he is really content in his own company which I think is a great quality. He was happy in lockdown and didn't want to go back to school, he is fine now he is back now though.

I think in terms of company he goes to school, then after school club three nights a week, surrounded by children, some nights he is at clubs with other kids so he isn't lonely. He has cousins and plays with my friends children. You can tell after a while he wants to go home and enjoy the peace and quiet and calm. So it's nice that he gets both.

[Fromthetopmakeitdrop]

I'm one of 4 and have an only child. She is very social, has loads of friends and I don't think suffers as an only child. However I do worry when she's older about any care or decisions being made for her parents all falling on her. Both my parents have died (I am only 29 so quite young) and now my siblings are all I have. No grandparents or aunts/uncles so I do worry if god forbid she was in that position she would be totally alone. But I can't afford to have another one so there's nothing I can do about it for now.

[WankPuffins]

I was an only child, born in the 80s and I was so none crushingly lonely. It didn’t help that I never really had any friends and my mother was cold.

I spent all my time alone and I still do (aprart from my children).

My mum past away when I was young and I’m now 40 and stuck withy almost 90 year old dad who is very difficult and I’ve no one to share it with.

I had one son, he was an only child until he was 11. It was okay actually, but I made sure he had lots of friends, that we always had other families around. I was very aware though I didn’t want him to end up alone like me and I’ve had two more children over the past seven years and it’s lovely. Despite the age gap they adore each other and at 18, he tells me he’s so glad that he’ll always have his little sisters in his life. Ok just happy they won’t end up alone like me.

[TheNinny]

I think there are alot more ways to socialise children than there were in previous generations when siblings were an automatic peer group, entertainment for kids. Nurseries, babygroups etc are accessible even in rural areas or a short drive away - getting to them is easier now, most people drive which was not the case in the past. Me and DH are happy with 1 and not planning another although acknowledge we may change mind down the line.

My sister has 1 as well and her child tells me she loves being an only as she gets all her parents attention. She does seem to have a close and loving relationship with both and was in nursery full time from very young. Lockdown was hard but she chatted away to pals to via screen chats. its also that way for children with siblings like my brothers kids. She is almost pre-teen though so lockdown may have been more managable than with younger kids. 1 slotted into her busy life very easily and my sis admits it would be much harder or stretched with more, which would mean less enjoyment for her.

My brother has 2 which are younger and they spend most of their time/lives squabbling and battling each other and winding each other up, and so doing simple outings is a stress/struggle/exhausting for him on many occasions.

I think the temperment of the child(ren) does play a major part in things and suppose the hard part is figuring this out.

[DJattheendoftheworld]

@bookworm14 I did think it was a bit insensitive of the TA. We have a parent's evening coming up, so I will mention it. Not to complain, just to make teacher aware that it's something he's quite sensitive about.

[Hardbackwriter]

@Osirus

There’s 12 children in my daughter’s class and she is one of 6 only children, so that’s half the class.

Seems pretty more usual these days than it was when I was younger.

I am one of 11 and used to be very envious of only children when I was at school.

Out of interest, if there are 12 in her class does that mean she's at a private school? I wonder whether it's more common among families who aim to do things like pay for private education - certainly for us one big consideration in having a second is that it put paying for private school for DS out of the question. There is no doubt that for most families a big plus side of having one is that you don't have to dilute down your resources and so can give that child a lot more.

[Osirus]

There’s 12 children in my daughter’s class and she is one of 6 only children, so that’s half the class.

Seems pretty more usual these days than it was when I was younger.

I am one of 11 and used to be very envious of only children when I was at school.

[CallieJones]

I've got 2 but dd had 2 friends at primary. They had good parents and seemed happy with excellent social skills. The parents were sociable so they got to mix with lots people

[Hardbackwriter]

As I said, I'm having a second child so have no vested interest in defending the choice to have one (except maybe to point out that DH is very far from selfish, spoilt or any of the other negative stereotypes!) but I think that the argument that it's better because then you can share the load of ageing parents is a bit bizarre. My parents and my FIL all had siblings and in every single case caring for/making arrangements for elderly parents was done almost entirely by one sibling, dictated in each case by geography. I love my brother very much and I'm glad he exists but I can tell you already that he'll be fuck all help when our parents are old and that I'll do it all. I'm sure it varies across families but I think it's a pretty big assumption that having siblings will mean an evenly shared load of elder care.

[bookworm14]

But parents of multiple children can over-parent or spoil their kids too. I am extremely conscious of the ‘spoiled only child’ stereotype and am therefore extremely careful not to spoil my DD.

[Rosebel]

My niece is an only child. My sister is over protective, what I'd call a helicopter parent. She is also incredibly spoiled.
I think she's usually fine with being an only child but my sister says when my niece was younger she'd get bored. Lockdown was hard for her with no school, no clubs and no friends.

[SpaceOP]

I don't think the problems with your childhood were because you were an only, but rather because your parents were over protective and didn't allow you independence or freedom nor access to the types of things your friends had access to. And that's not unique to only child families - I had a friend at school who was one of 4 and none of them were allowed to watch tv or, when we got a bit older, wear the same clothes/make up as the rest of us. I don't remember what happened to her but do know she disappeared from my life - I'm wondering if perhaps her parents started homeschooling?

I think being an only child is fine if you're not isolated.

[Love51]

@turquoise50 I'm in the two under two club, both myself with my brother 20 months older, and my own kids 22 months apart. I had a happy childhood, so there was a bit of replicating that. Also I used mat leave with #2 to avoid nursery fees for #1. I'd have gone for closer but didn't get my periods back till I went back to work (#1 was very breastfed).
The main reason is that I took what seemed like an eternity to fall pregnant with #1, we had just started medical investigations when I fell. It felt like a fluke, and I wanted to give myself the best chance of falling pregnant again. Which I wasn't expecting to happen after 2 periods, 7 weeks apart.

[ludothedog]

Dd is an only. She used to want a sibling until getting closer to her best friend who has a big family. She enjoys going for sleepovers and playing big sisters with her friends younger siblings but is happy to come home for peace and quiet. Now she has seen how much her friend has to do to help out and the impact on her life, she doesn't ask for siblings anymore!

[NeverAMillionMilesAway]

@Honeyandapple

Hated being an only and it's rubbish as an adult too.
I am 30 now and would love to have a sibling relationship. Have had a sibling at my wedding, family holidays, Christmas. It would have made things more fun and lessened any pressure on me as 'only child'. And looking to the future it will be me looking after mum & dad in their old age. Managing all the complicated will & paperwork with alone. And i'll have noone to relive my childhood and parents with.

I would never have only had one child. Rather have none.

But it's unpredictable.
My sister and brother tormented me as a child. I would have been much happier as an only. We are adults now and NC.
I know other siblings who are NC or have difficult relationships too.

[bookworm14]

@Honeyandapple

Hated being an only and it's rubbish as an adult too.
I am 30 now and would love to have a sibling relationship. Have had a sibling at my wedding, family holidays, Christmas. It would have made things more fun and lessened any pressure on me as 'only child'. And looking to the future it will be me looking after mum & dad in their old age. Managing all the complicated will & paperwork with alone. And i'll have noone to relive my childhood and parents with.

I would never have only had one child. Rather have none.

So my child would be better off not having been born than being an only? Right.

I’m sorry that you hate your life, but try not to generalise - lots of happy adult onlies have posted on this thread.

[Tellmetruth4]

It’s too difficult to generalise. Two of the most secure and happy adults I know are only children. They had lovely childhoods. It depends on the family. I have siblings but am NC with one and would’ve been fine on my own.

Although I have two I hate the stereotype that only children are spoilt etc. It’s a load of rubbish and I think the people who say that are dim or jealous because they are struggling to handle more than one. The most spoilt and selfish child in DDs circle has a sibling two years younger. She’s like Veruca Salt!

[Honeyandapple]

Hated being an only and it's rubbish as an adult too.
I am 30 now and would love to have a sibling relationship. Have had a sibling at my wedding, family holidays, Christmas. It would have made things more fun and lessened any pressure on me as 'only child'. And looking to the future it will be me looking after mum & dad in their old age. Managing all the complicated will & paperwork with alone. And i'll have noone to relive my childhood and parents with.

I would never have only had one child. Rather have none.

[BeakyWinder]

I opened this thread as my DC is an only, but it made me think - I have a lot of siblings and I'm the youngest by quite a margin, so I'm probably going to have to deal with losing my parents and most if not all of my siblings (on age alone). How depressing.

[mindutopia]

I'm an only child and grew up in the 80s. It was really no big deal. I have no idea whether friends all had siblings or not (can't really remember), but I didn't feel in anyway different for anyone else. I certainly had a lot more opportunities because I was an only - activities, school trips, holidays, etc. that never would have been possible if I'd had siblings and I had lots of one-on-one time with my mum and grandparents, which was lovely.

As a grown up, I can see the advantage to having a sibling(s) I suppose. I'm NC with my family now (for things related to their bad life choices since I've been an adult, nothing to do with my childhood). It would be nice in some ways to know I had someone else to talk to about all of it and maybe someone else who could keep an eye on my mum and make sure she's okay, since I've decided not to have her in my life. But I can also see how it might cause a lot of issues and stress, and I'd say overall I'm still quite happy being an only child.

[TheSeedsOfADream]

It's obviously different for everybody but as the only child of an only child with an only child, none of the three of us have ever been bothered.
Lockdown here was total (Italy) so not even any exercise outside of the house. DD zoomed with her friends and her class. The only child connection wasn't ever mentioned because it didn't cross our minds it was an issue.

[willowdeandickson]

@wingsandstrings yes my parents assume they should get first refusal on Christmas, etc...and support bubbles!”