To wonder if only children are happier now?

[Buddytheelf85]

I was born in the 80s and was a very unhappy only child. That was for two main reasons:

1. My parents didn’t want to have an only child. They wanted more but couldn’t. That awful disappointment meant they were very overprotective and controlling and I bore all the weight of their expectations.
   
2. Being an only child was so unusual back then. I was the only only in a class of 30. I always felt so weird, I never felt ‘normal’. I used to daydream about having brothers and sisters. My parents also alienated me quite a lot from popular culture which meant that I really struggled to relate to other children - i.e. when they were talking about TV shows I’d have no idea.
   

But now having an only child seems to be very common. I have three friends who’ve been quite open about having ‘one and done’. And although I don’t know for sure, I think it’s a positive choice on their part - not the result of fertility problems for example. Apparently the children aren’t the only onlies in their classes at school. I also think nowadays the Internet means it’s much easier to stay in touch with popular culture and stay connected with other people.

I do appreciate that I’m talking in massive generalisations and everyone’s circumstances are different. But AIBU to wonder if it’s easier being an only child now than it was then?

[bookworm14]

@DJattheendoftheworld

I think school closures during lockdown and the current restrictions on socialising are especially hard for only children. I certainly don't think onlies are happier at the moment.
My 5yo is the only 'only' in his class. The other day when lining up for lunch at school they were told to 'line up if you have a brother or sister' he was of course the only one left. He was very upset.
He is desperate for a sibling and asks me all the time. (We would love to have another, but it hasn't happened and probably won't).

How stupid of the school. I would make a complaint.

[SoloMummy]

@bookworm14
It's not complaint worthy and a waste of the teachers time. It's no different saying if you have blue eyes line up here green eyes there. The teacher presumably didn't know there's only 1 only child, which in itself today would be very unusual statistically.

[Jbh333]

I’m an only child of the 80s and there weren't many around in my class. Now I know in my eldests class at least there is a lot. I have three now so it’s a shock to the system for my mum 😂

Childhood was fine although the attitudes about only children then were not great, spoilt, selfish etc... my mum overcompensated making sure I was not selfish and shared, to the point where I was a complete walk over and can be still in adult life.

[cologne4711]

I'm an only child and although I felt a bit lonely at times it was more about living a long way from extended family rather than wanting a sibling. It would have been nice to have a sibling I got on well with and was able to socialise with now, but of course there are no guarantees in life and we may have hated each other and/or lived a long way apart.

DS is an only child through choice, I hated being pregnant and didn't want to do it again and DH is older than I am and was already 39 when ds came along, which we thought was old enough. I cannot imagine having a small baby with a toddler to look after too, doesn't bear thinking about. I don't think ds really cares although he did ask me for an older brother when he was younger .

[Jennygentle]

My 13 year old only informs me that he is ‘generally happy’ and that lockdown was ‘sometimes boring but quite fun too’.
He’s a home-loving, thoughtful introvert. I think a lot depends on character and the family dynamics.
I know many adults with siblings who had miserable childhoods.

[cologne4711]

Childhood was fine although the attitudes about only children then were not great, spoilt, selfish

Nothing changes, I got that from ds' junior school too. If he ever did anything wrong, the fact that he was an only child came up. Apparently having siblings protects you from misbehaving at school...

[bookworm14]

[quote SoloMummy]@bookworm14
It's not complaint worthy and a waste of the teachers time. It's no different saying if you have blue eyes line up here green eyes there. The teacher presumably didn't know there's only 1 only child, which in itself today would be very unusual statistically.[/quote]
The school should be aware there are likely to be fewer only children - it’s not the same as eye colour at all. You wouldn’t ask them to line up based on who had e.g. a dad living at home, for example. Perhaps ‘complaint’ is a bit strong but if it was my child I’d be having a word.

[NeverAMillionMilesAway]

My cousin, born late 80s was a very happy only child.
I had two siblings and had a miserable time being bullied by them.
So it's really not something you can generalise.

[willowdeandickson]

@wingsandstrings yes my parents assume they should get first refusal on Christmas, etc...and support bubbles!”

[TheSeedsOfADream]

It's obviously different for everybody but as the only child of an only child with an only child, none of the three of us have ever been bothered.
Lockdown here was total (Italy) so not even any exercise outside of the house. DD zoomed with her friends and her class. The only child connection wasn't ever mentioned because it didn't cross our minds it was an issue.

[mindutopia]

I'm an only child and grew up in the 80s. It was really no big deal. I have no idea whether friends all had siblings or not (can't really remember), but I didn't feel in anyway different for anyone else. I certainly had a lot more opportunities because I was an only - activities, school trips, holidays, etc. that never would have been possible if I'd had siblings and I had lots of one-on-one time with my mum and grandparents, which was lovely.

As a grown up, I can see the advantage to having a sibling(s) I suppose. I'm NC with my family now (for things related to their bad life choices since I've been an adult, nothing to do with my childhood). It would be nice in some ways to know I had someone else to talk to about all of it and maybe someone else who could keep an eye on my mum and make sure she's okay, since I've decided not to have her in my life. But I can also see how it might cause a lot of issues and stress, and I'd say overall I'm still quite happy being an only child.

[BeakyWinder]

I opened this thread as my DC is an only, but it made me think - I have a lot of siblings and I'm the youngest by quite a margin, so I'm probably going to have to deal with losing my parents and most if not all of my siblings (on age alone). How depressing.

[Honeyandapple]

Hated being an only and it's rubbish as an adult too.
I am 30 now and would love to have a sibling relationship. Have had a sibling at my wedding, family holidays, Christmas. It would have made things more fun and lessened any pressure on me as 'only child'. And looking to the future it will be me looking after mum & dad in their old age. Managing all the complicated will & paperwork with alone. And i'll have noone to relive my childhood and parents with.

I would never have only had one child. Rather have none.

[Tellmetruth4]

It’s too difficult to generalise. Two of the most secure and happy adults I know are only children. They had lovely childhoods. It depends on the family. I have siblings but am NC with one and would’ve been fine on my own.

Although I have two I hate the stereotype that only children are spoilt etc. It’s a load of rubbish and I think the people who say that are dim or jealous because they are struggling to handle more than one. The most spoilt and selfish child in DDs circle has a sibling two years younger. She’s like Veruca Salt!

[bookworm14]

@Honeyandapple

Hated being an only and it's rubbish as an adult too.
I am 30 now and would love to have a sibling relationship. Have had a sibling at my wedding, family holidays, Christmas. It would have made things more fun and lessened any pressure on me as 'only child'. And looking to the future it will be me looking after mum & dad in their old age. Managing all the complicated will & paperwork with alone. And i'll have noone to relive my childhood and parents with.

I would never have only had one child. Rather have none.

So my child would be better off not having been born than being an only? Right.

I’m sorry that you hate your life, but try not to generalise - lots of happy adult onlies have posted on this thread.

[NeverAMillionMilesAway]

@Honeyandapple

Hated being an only and it's rubbish as an adult too.
I am 30 now and would love to have a sibling relationship. Have had a sibling at my wedding, family holidays, Christmas. It would have made things more fun and lessened any pressure on me as 'only child'. And looking to the future it will be me looking after mum & dad in their old age. Managing all the complicated will & paperwork with alone. And i'll have noone to relive my childhood and parents with.

I would never have only had one child. Rather have none.

But it's unpredictable.
My sister and brother tormented me as a child. I would have been much happier as an only. We are adults now and NC.
I know other siblings who are NC or have difficult relationships too.

[ludothedog]

Dd is an only. She used to want a sibling until getting closer to her best friend who has a big family. She enjoys going for sleepovers and playing big sisters with her friends younger siblings but is happy to come home for peace and quiet. Now she has seen how much her friend has to do to help out and the impact on her life, she doesn't ask for siblings anymore!

[Love51]

@turquoise50 I'm in the two under two club, both myself with my brother 20 months older, and my own kids 22 months apart. I had a happy childhood, so there was a bit of replicating that. Also I used mat leave with #2 to avoid nursery fees for #1. I'd have gone for closer but didn't get my periods back till I went back to work (#1 was very breastfed).
The main reason is that I took what seemed like an eternity to fall pregnant with #1, we had just started medical investigations when I fell. It felt like a fluke, and I wanted to give myself the best chance of falling pregnant again. Which I wasn't expecting to happen after 2 periods, 7 weeks apart.

[SpaceOP]

I don't think the problems with your childhood were because you were an only, but rather because your parents were over protective and didn't allow you independence or freedom nor access to the types of things your friends had access to. And that's not unique to only child families - I had a friend at school who was one of 4 and none of them were allowed to watch tv or, when we got a bit older, wear the same clothes/make up as the rest of us. I don't remember what happened to her but do know she disappeared from my life - I'm wondering if perhaps her parents started homeschooling?

I think being an only child is fine if you're not isolated.

[Rosebel]

My niece is an only child. My sister is over protective, what I'd call a helicopter parent. She is also incredibly spoiled.
I think she's usually fine with being an only child but my sister says when my niece was younger she'd get bored. Lockdown was hard for her with no school, no clubs and no friends.

[bookworm14]

But parents of multiple children can over-parent or spoil their kids too. I am extremely conscious of the ‘spoiled only child’ stereotype and am therefore extremely careful not to spoil my DD.

[Hardbackwriter]

As I said, I'm having a second child so have no vested interest in defending the choice to have one (except maybe to point out that DH is very far from selfish, spoilt or any of the other negative stereotypes!) but I think that the argument that it's better because then you can share the load of ageing parents is a bit bizarre. My parents and my FIL all had siblings and in every single case caring for/making arrangements for elderly parents was done almost entirely by one sibling, dictated in each case by geography. I love my brother very much and I'm glad he exists but I can tell you already that he'll be fuck all help when our parents are old and that I'll do it all. I'm sure it varies across families but I think it's a pretty big assumption that having siblings will mean an evenly shared load of elder care.

[CallieJones]

I've got 2 but dd had 2 friends at primary. They had good parents and seemed happy with excellent social skills. The parents were sociable so they got to mix with lots people

[Osirus]

There’s 12 children in my daughter’s class and she is one of 6 only children, so that’s half the class.

Seems pretty more usual these days than it was when I was younger.

I am one of 11 and used to be very envious of only children when I was at school.

[Hardbackwriter]

@Osirus

There’s 12 children in my daughter’s class and she is one of 6 only children, so that’s half the class.

Seems pretty more usual these days than it was when I was younger.

I am one of 11 and used to be very envious of only children when I was at school.

Out of interest, if there are 12 in her class does that mean she's at a private school? I wonder whether it's more common among families who aim to do things like pay for private education - certainly for us one big consideration in having a second is that it put paying for private school for DS out of the question. There is no doubt that for most families a big plus side of having one is that you don't have to dilute down your resources and so can give that child a lot more.