To wonder if only children are happier now?

[Buddytheelf85]

I was born in the 80s and was a very unhappy only child. That was for two main reasons:

1. My parents didn’t want to have an only child. They wanted more but couldn’t. That awful disappointment meant they were very overprotective and controlling and I bore all the weight of their expectations.
   
2. Being an only child was so unusual back then. I was the only only in a class of 30. I always felt so weird, I never felt ‘normal’. I used to daydream about having brothers and sisters. My parents also alienated me quite a lot from popular culture which meant that I really struggled to relate to other children - i.e. when they were talking about TV shows I’d have no idea.
   

But now having an only child seems to be very common. I have three friends who’ve been quite open about having ‘one and done’. And although I don’t know for sure, I think it’s a positive choice on their part - not the result of fertility problems for example. Apparently the children aren’t the only onlies in their classes at school. I also think nowadays the Internet means it’s much easier to stay in touch with popular culture and stay connected with other people.

I do appreciate that I’m talking in massive generalisations and everyone’s circumstances are different. But AIBU to wonder if it’s easier being an only child now than it was then?

[DJattheendoftheworld]

@bookworm14 I did think it was a bit insensitive of the TA. We have a parent's evening coming up, so I will mention it. Not to complain, just to make teacher aware that it's something he's quite sensitive about.

[TheNinny]

I think there are alot more ways to socialise children than there were in previous generations when siblings were an automatic peer group, entertainment for kids. Nurseries, babygroups etc are accessible even in rural areas or a short drive away - getting to them is easier now, most people drive which was not the case in the past. Me and DH are happy with 1 and not planning another although acknowledge we may change mind down the line.

My sister has 1 as well and her child tells me she loves being an only as she gets all her parents attention. She does seem to have a close and loving relationship with both and was in nursery full time from very young. Lockdown was hard but she chatted away to pals to via screen chats. its also that way for children with siblings like my brothers kids. She is almost pre-teen though so lockdown may have been more managable than with younger kids. 1 slotted into her busy life very easily and my sis admits it would be much harder or stretched with more, which would mean less enjoyment for her.

My brother has 2 which are younger and they spend most of their time/lives squabbling and battling each other and winding each other up, and so doing simple outings is a stress/struggle/exhausting for him on many occasions.

I think the temperment of the child(ren) does play a major part in things and suppose the hard part is figuring this out.

[WankPuffins]

I was an only child, born in the 80s and I was so none crushingly lonely. It didn’t help that I never really had any friends and my mother was cold.

I spent all my time alone and I still do (aprart from my children).

My mum past away when I was young and I’m now 40 and stuck withy almost 90 year old dad who is very difficult and I’ve no one to share it with.

I had one son, he was an only child until he was 11. It was okay actually, but I made sure he had lots of friends, that we always had other families around. I was very aware though I didn’t want him to end up alone like me and I’ve had two more children over the past seven years and it’s lovely. Despite the age gap they adore each other and at 18, he tells me he’s so glad that he’ll always have his little sisters in his life. Ok just happy they won’t end up alone like me.

[Fromthetopmakeitdrop]

I'm one of 4 and have an only child. She is very social, has loads of friends and I don't think suffers as an only child. However I do worry when she's older about any care or decisions being made for her parents all falling on her. Both my parents have died (I am only 29 so quite young) and now my siblings are all I have. No grandparents or aunts/uncles so I do worry if god forbid she was in that position she would be totally alone. But I can't afford to have another one so there's nothing I can do about it for now.

[MrsTumbletap]

I'm one and done and my DS is a really happy child that has always said he doesn't want sibling. He obviously doesn't know different but we ask him once a year at least just to know his opinion.

I have three friends that are one and done by choice and very happy.

My DS is never lonely or bored, he is really content in his own company which I think is a great quality. He was happy in lockdown and didn't want to go back to school, he is fine now he is back now though.

I think in terms of company he goes to school, then after school club three nights a week, surrounded by children, some nights he is at clubs with other kids so he isn't lonely. He has cousins and plays with my friends children. You can tell after a while he wants to go home and enjoy the peace and quiet and calm. So it's nice that he gets both.

[Buddytheelf85]

It is definitely true that there are more only children by choice now, and that in the past it was more likely to be a result of secondary infertility. I think it’s much easier to be a happy only child if your parents are happy too.

@bookworm14

I think this is very true - I think in my case I very much became a repository for my parents’ disappointment and anxiety, and I bore the brunt of their difficulty coming to terms with their loss. Which I can understand.

There do seem to be many more only children by choice now and I wondered if being an only child by choice is more likely to be a happy experience for the child - because the parents will be content with their choice.

Not, of course, that I’m implying that children who are only children as a result of fertility problems are always unhappy - far from it. It’s all to do with how the parents process their loss. But I’m just saying that was my experience and it’s the experience of some other only children.

[Buddytheelf85]

Childhood was fine although the attitudes about only children then were not great, spoilt, selfish etc...

Oh yes, that was something I remember finding tough. Whenever you in any way defended your territory as an only child someone would invariably say ‘I can tell YOU’RE an only child’ or something similar.

[Buddytheelf85]

My parents and my FIL all had siblings and in every single case caring for/making arrangements for elderly parents was done almost entirely by one sibling, dictated in each case by geography. I love my brother very much and I'm glad he exists but I can tell you already that he'll be fuck all help when our parents are old and that I'll do it all.

Yeah, I’ve also noticed as a general rule that where there’s a sister/brother combo the sister often does the care of elderly parents!