To wonder if only children are happier now?

[Buddytheelf85]

I was born in the 80s and was a very unhappy only child. That was for two main reasons:

1. My parents didn’t want to have an only child. They wanted more but couldn’t. That awful disappointment meant they were very overprotective and controlling and I bore all the weight of their expectations.
   
2. Being an only child was so unusual back then. I was the only only in a class of 30. I always felt so weird, I never felt ‘normal’. I used to daydream about having brothers and sisters. My parents also alienated me quite a lot from popular culture which meant that I really struggled to relate to other children - i.e. when they were talking about TV shows I’d have no idea.
   

But now having an only child seems to be very common. I have three friends who’ve been quite open about having ‘one and done’. And although I don’t know for sure, I think it’s a positive choice on their part - not the result of fertility problems for example. Apparently the children aren’t the only onlies in their classes at school. I also think nowadays the Internet means it’s much easier to stay in touch with popular culture and stay connected with other people.

I do appreciate that I’m talking in massive generalisations and everyone’s circumstances are different. But AIBU to wonder if it’s easier being an only child now than it was then?

[turquoise50]

• tailing off

[Willyoujustbequiet]

I wasn't an only but unfortunately now I am.

Its a nightmare tbh. I absolutely hate it. Its so lonely compared to having siblings. If anyone has the choice please don't stop at one.

[yetanothernamitynamechange]

I think overall they probably are. This year though has been a funny year - I know mine really struggled when the schools/after school care/all activities were closed and all the interaction he normally had with other children stopped completely. I think that children with siblings were probably a lot less lonely. That said I'm not going to feel guilty for not factoring in a global pandemic in my plans.

[IHateWasps]

I was born in the '80s and always loved being an only child and still do, in fact the more I see of other people's relationships with their siblings(often antagonistic or non existent) the more I love it. There is nothing wrong with having an only child. In fact considering the impact on the environment more people should probably do it.

There's no guarantee that siblings will get along, and personally I know more who don't get along than those who do. If they love each other then great but a sibling could be their worst enemy, their best friend or most likely something in between the two. You aren't guaranteeing them anything.

As for caring for parents in my experience it tends to fall on one person anyway, usually female, the eldest or the one who lives nearest. I've had to care for family members and I'd be much more resentful about a sibling not pulling their weight than I would be about having to do so alone. Likewise I've seen so many siblings argue and fall out over wills, money and what to do with houses when a parent has died.

I know only children who have chosen to have only one too. Some of us are very content with our only child status. I know people who have siblings who wish that they didn't. The parents should do what's right for them because the decision to have another or not to is going to have a bigger impact on them than anyone.

[SebastianTheCrab]

@Loustew12

Interesting question actually. I often think years ago kids played outside more, were in and out of other people's houses so in some ways maybe oc wouldn't have lost out as much back then. It breaks my heart to think of one of my kids without the other. They play constantly and learn so much from each other.

This post is so patronising.

My brother and I have never gotten on and I've never learned anything from him except how to be a selfish dick.

I also have an only and am in perpetual conflict about whether or not to have another.

[Defaultuser]

My best friend growing up (born late 70s) was an only child although I didn't really notice that at the time but I have such find memories of spending time with her family. They seemed to really take and interest in her and we had lots of fun days out (perhaps I was invited more because she was an only). It was probably more the family dynamic rather than the numbers though.

[Defaultuser]

@turquoise50 I've noticed the 2 years apart thing too (not just for older mums too). When I was a kid everyone was 3 years apart. Wonder why this is!

[turquoise50]

@Defaultuser I don't know how it started but it definitely became 'a thing'. I've just realised that I do actually know a couple of families who have deliberately chosen a much larger age gap between their two DC (about five years) and they get a lot of unwanted comments about it. People asking why they waited so long, aren't they worried the DC won't get along, intrusive question about fertility etc.

I certainly noticed that when DS was aged 1-3 we got a lot of questions about whether/ when (when!!) we were going to have another one, but these stopped once he started school and then it was usually more just an 'Oh, so is he an only child?' without this assumption that there HAD to be a sibling planned. As if once you'd passed the two-year mark, you'd missed the boat and so it wasn't up for discussion any more.

It's so weird! Why two years? And so precise as well - often their birthdays are within a week of each other. I don't get it! If I did have two, I'd do my best to make sure their birthdays weren't close together so as to avoid the dreaded joint presents or joint party, which kids tend to hate.

@IHateWasps God yes, the adult siblings thing. I will confess that now that both my parents are dead, I do have the odd moment of wishing there was someone around with whom I could share childhood reminiscences, but honestly I’m mostly happy to trade that for no sibling feuds and the fact that I was the sole beneficiary in the will.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

@Willyoujustbequiet

I wasn't an only but unfortunately now I am.

Its a nightmare tbh. I absolutely hate it. Its so lonely compared to having siblings. If anyone has the choice please don't stop at one.

Grieving a lost sibling is not the as not having one to start with

[MoiraRoseisupSchittCreek]

I'm not RTFT in case it turns into another tedious game of PoorLonelyOnly bingo

My only (by choice) DD(16) is happy but she's wired that way, she would probably have been just as happy with a sibling or two.

She enjoys being with friends but is also very content in her own company. Like me who was one of five!

[willowdeandickson]

Another only child born in the 80s here.

It’s definitely more common now as an ‘active choice’, I can list many friends who’ve been ‘one and done’ as well as others children that my children know. In general, people are more concerned with socialising their children now, especially if they’re onlies.

I didn’t mind it so much as a child, except for the crushing loneliness.
But that was parenting as much as being an only, as we lived in the middle of nowhere and i never got to see children my own age very often. They begrudgingly did child friendly activities and mostly I was expected to tag along with whatever they were doing and be quiet, so it was like they weren’t that interested but I wasn’t allowed to do my own thing either.
As far as I know I was an only through choice (my maternal cousin is one too... I always got the impression this was a collective choice, which is a bit weird now I think about it), my mother always mentioned that I was a difficult baby (from what she described, I now realise as a mother myself that I was basically just a baby being a baby) and that they didn’t enjoy parenthood that much.

As an adult, being an only is tough, but again that’s as much down to expectation as actually being an only child.

I definitely wanted to have more than one child myself, mine are reasonably spaced out at 3 years apart but I often feel the noise and sibling dynamics difficult to understand having no experience of it myself.

[Fishfingersandwichplease]

I desperately wanted another baby after dd was born but had secondary infertility. Devastated at the time and for gates afterwards thinking l had ruined her life by not giving her any siblings. She is one of many only children in her class and doesn't even think about it and is genuinely a happy child who l am able to give more time to so swings and roundabouts. Def agree only children are more common now

[willowdeandickson]

@turquoise50 I’ve also noticed the 2 year thing too (and obsession with achieving ‘2 under 2’!), but I think age gaps are starting to widen as more seem to be having around a 3 year age gap or more.
There’s 3 years between my two, and I recall several people saying “oh you waited a while” and commenting that it was a big gap, which it isn’t really.

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

I've only got one, never wanted more. I agree its much more common now, you've only got to listen to my mum who refers to "only " children with a bit of a sad face as if they have some terrible disfigurement and have to walk round the village ringing a bell lol
Ex dp and my brothers wife are only children and according to my mum this is the reason for all their faults and flaws

[SusannaSpider]

Its a nightmare tbh. I absolutely hate it. Its so lonely compared to having siblings. If anyone has the choice please don't stop at one.

I'm saying this very gently, but you are grieving a sibling, it's not the same thing, it's not fair to guilt people who only want one child. Lots of us are happy as only children and our children are too. Sometimes siblings aren't a blessing.

[Defaultuser]

@willowdeandickson perhaps it's easier these days (for some people) to have a smaller age gap - more access to childcare/dad involvement/labour saving devices? Or something to do with more women working now? Just a guess.

[Tadpolesandfroglets]

I think during these Covid times it must be hard for an only child, or rather some only children. Not all obviously. It’s been a godsend that I have two who entertain each other and are never lonely however I do know this is not always the case and equally siblings can fight like cat and dog. I have a great relationship with one of my siblings, rotten with the other. I am glad I have them though.

[wingsandstrings]

My DH is an only, whereas I come from quite a big family. As a child his parents made a huge effort to encourage and facilitate his friendships, and he had a happy childhood. It's more now he's an adult that he struggles with it. No sibling support as your parents age, get sick, die - it's very hard on him. All through our marriage the intensity of their dependence on him and expectations on us to be there for them has been one of our biggest issues in our relationship. My relationship with my parents suffers because the feeling is, well wings' parents have other children to spend christmas with/holiday with/take them to that appointment etc but DH's have no one so will be alone if we don't step in.

[SoloMummy]

Given that over 40% of children are now only children it is more common, but I wonder if its partly due to increasing fertility issue awareness, more relationships breaking down, and perhaps a different attitude towards finances, with many people no longer wishing to sacrifice so opt for less children to be able to afford more materially and experiences.

Is it easier?

I don't know, I'm from a very large family. But my lo seems to be surrounded and bombarded by visions of having this perfect sibling relationship on TV etc and still the image of the needy, awkward only child is portrayed....

[FairFridaythe13th]

So many? Or is that including single children who have half siblings ?

[Hardbackwriter]

I'm also not sure how you count only children - I mean, my DS is currently an only child but he won't be in four months' time. Every first born is an only child for a while so while you can easily count families with one child that surely massively inflates the number of only children?

[willowdeandickson]

@Defaultuser for sure...just interesting how there are trend even in how many children we have.

[Annabanana455]

Siblings don’t automatically equal happiness and companionship.

Sure I know people who get on great with their siblings, but I know many people for whom having siblings has caused added difficulty or stress, I have several friends with siblings with some form of additional needs and it has definitely complicated their lives, in one case a friend had to move hundreds of miles to be near a non-independent sibling as their parents aged, and another friend deals with a sibling with a major mental health condition, including having to manage their money for them. It’s very complicated.

I have siblings and growing up to be honest once I got past pre-school age I just wanted to be around my friends. As did my siblings. Money was tighter and days out or holidays had to be a compromise and suitable for the whole family (I desperately wanted to ride a horse on holiday for example but I never got to do that as all activities had to accommodate the whole family).

One of my closest friends is an only and is probably one of the most content, popular, sociable people I know.

There’s no right or wrong.

[MiddleClassMother]

I didn't get along with my sibling as a child, in fact at sometimes they made my childhood a living hell. However, I didn't want my children to grow up only children. I have two and considered another; but couldn't go through raising 3 children under 5. There's always time left.

[DJattheendoftheworld]

I think school closures during lockdown and the current restrictions on socialising are especially hard for only children. I certainly don't think onlies are happier at the moment.
My 5yo is the only 'only' in his class. The other day when lining up for lunch at school they were told to 'line up if you have a brother or sister' he was of course the only one left. He was very upset.
He is desperate for a sibling and asks me all the time. (We would love to have another, but it hasn't happened and probably won't).