To think the sisterhood is a myth in love and lust?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/10/2020 15:44

I don't think 'sisterhood' exists full stop. People are not all decent and not all horrible, there are shades of grey... and we're not all those things at the same time.

It is ALWAYS the fault of the partnered person though. It just seems that when it's the man who's cheating, people rush to blame the OW. Any opprobrium levelled at the lying cheat is essentially lip-service to enable the conversation to go right back to calling the OW all kinds of names.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/10/2020 15:45

Actually, your post could and should have ended with "Of course it's up to him to treat his marriage with respect". Nothing else needed saying really but you've proved my point.

Missandra · 21/10/2020 15:47

So you’re basing your opinion of all women based on the actions of a few?

HugeAckmansWife · 21/10/2020 15:50

I disagree with the pp that you shouldn't blame the ow AS WELL as the man, its not a finite thing but I also don't believe in the sisterhood.. I think we should behave decently towards all people, regardless of if they are male, female, known to us or not. I don't think a woman 'owes it' to another woman to stay away from her husband or partner out of a sense of loyalty to anyone, just out of a sense of not being a dick and participating in a hurtful act.

flaviaritt · 21/10/2020 15:55

I don’t subscribe to any notion of “sisterhood”. I just try not to lie and treat people like they don’t matter.

Hailtomyteeth · 21/10/2020 16:00

This isn't a 'sisterhood' issue. If a man has sex with someone other than his marriage partner, it is his fault and no-one else's. Women don't have to ensure each other's husbands behave.

Sisterhood comes into play when the bastard has been caught out and we advise her to leave. We share our experiences and offer guidance. We listen and help her understand it isn't her or the other woman to blame, just him. We support her through the divorce and advise her against cocklodgers, men who want free childcare, subsidised accommodation, abusive sex on tap etc.

That's sisterhood.

If we want more from sisterhood, we have to put more in.

Zilla1 · 21/10/2020 16:02

Have never seen any evidence of sisterhood in any dimension of life. There are some kind people and some unkind. A few psychopaths who revel in causing pain. I've seen no link between these characteristics and sex. Always smiled when people said we need more women managers as, IME, many of the vilest managers I've worked with were women and the worst bullies of women were women.

ShebaShimmyShake · 21/10/2020 16:03

Is there a reason for a sudden influx of threads about Sheila's Wheels and how horrible women are just as John Leslie was acquitted?

If someone has broken their commitment to their relationship, blame them, not the outside party. Girl code is just another way to blame women when men stray. Blame Dominic West for shitting on his family.

Original poster

itsblueisntit · 21/10/2020 16:04

I'm partly basing this on two friends.

One flirts with every man (many partners of friends) until she knows she could have him if she wanted and then backs off, satisfied. The other is very much about supporting women until she takes a shine to one of their partners then has no difficulty with having a 'dalliance'.

I suspect we all have it in us to go with a married man if we really, really wanted to.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2020 16:06

You don’t think much of your friends do you?

Sparklesocks · 21/10/2020 16:08

Well another point is that a lot of times people cheating tell their other woman/man that they’re separating from their partner, or living apart, or over but putting on a United front for the kids. So maybe she wasn’t gleefully rubbing her hands together about the prospect of helping to break up a marriage, but under the impression he was single.

But equally you shouldn’t rest your entire belief of sisterhood on a single celebrity story. Especially when nobody really knows what happened.

ReneeRol · 21/10/2020 16:09

Some people are very disloyal, deceitful and trustworthy. Those qualities aren't gender based. There's no such thing as the "sisterhood".

Women like Lily view themselves as being in competition with other women and they want what other women have.

Women do judge women like that because nobody wants people around who have malevolent intentions towards them. She's not someone who would ever be a trusted friend. She's the type that will try to worm her way into a marriage pretending to be his "friend".

That smarmy creep Dominic is responsible for his own marriage but his wife has four kids with him so she is entitled to prioritise her family over what other people think she should do to him.

Original poster

itsblueisntit · 21/10/2020 16:09

@ShebaShimmyShake

Is there a reason for a sudden influx of threads about Sheila's Wheels and how horrible women are just as John Leslie was acquitted?

If someone has broken their commitment to their relationship, blame them, not the outside party. Girl code is just another way to blame women when men stray. Blame Dominic West for shitting on his family.

I agree that the buck stops with the married partner but .... always a but .... shouldn't we have a definite line about not going there? About saying that is out of bounds? If I had an affair with a married man I wouldn't expect to be seen as an innocent in the pain that might follow on the wider family.

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Original poster

itsblueisntit · 21/10/2020 16:11

@AnneLovesGilbert

You don’t think much of your friends do you?

I like these two friends a lot but I know what they are like. Are all your friends perfect? Mine are interesting with many many faults. Some I trust and some I don't.

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CutToChase · 21/10/2020 16:12

I believe in a sisterhood but then I'm an idealist. I believe we still live in a mans world and women should support one another

ShebaShimmyShake · 21/10/2020 16:13

@itsblueisntit

I'm partly basing this on two friends.

One flirts with every man (many partners of friends) until she knows she could have him if she wanted and then backs off, satisfied. The other is very much about supporting women until she takes a shine to one of their partners then has no difficulty with having a 'dalliance'.

I suspect we all have it in us to go with a married man if we really, really wanted to.

Oh, two of your friends. Yes, that's half the species damned, that is.

How about you hold cheating men, and cheating women, responsible for their own commitments rather than invoking the stupid "sisterhood" concept as a way of making women responsible when men act like shits? It's just another standard for women that isn't applied to men. Try asking yourself why "married with children" is a myth in love and lust. Try asking yourself why West can shit on his family, and your response is that women are awful because you don't like two of your friends.

ShebaShimmyShake · 21/10/2020 16:15

I agree that the buck stops with the married partner but .... always a but ....

Yes, always a but. And it's usually someone telling us why the buck for sexually incontinent men does actually stop with women. You haven't started a thread asking why men do what West did.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2020 16:19

If I had a friend who was flirting with my husband and thought she could shag him if she decided she wanted to she’d no longer be my friend. I trust him but I wouldn’t be spending time with someone who tried to disrespect my marriage.

Original poster

itsblueisntit · 21/10/2020 16:19

Sheba, I've been happily married for 25+ years with no infidelity on either side, but I've seen and witnessed a lot in my wider circle and do find the boundaries curious. That's all. Not looking to defend married men and denounce single women etc.

Just posing a question for a discussion more than anything. It's a boring Wednesday in my house.

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Original poster

itsblueisntit · 21/10/2020 16:22

@ShebaShimmyShake

I agree that the buck stops with the married partner but .... always a but ....

Yes, always a but. And it's usually someone telling us why the buck for sexually incontinent men does actually stop with women. You haven't started a thread asking why men do what West did.

I'd imagine West did it cause he wanted her? Wanted to do it and keep his marriage too. Cause he's a shit?

Does that make Lily a shit too?

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AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2020 16:25

Is there supposed to be a brotherhood as well? What do men owe each other?

Original poster

itsblueisntit · 21/10/2020 16:27

I fear there is a brotherhood that is more about cover up and protection. What is that horrid phrase. Bros before hoes

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ShebaShimmyShake · 21/10/2020 16:34

@itsblueisntit

Sheba, I've been happily married for 25+ years with no infidelity on either side, but I've seen and witnessed a lot in my wider circle and do find the boundaries curious. That's all. Not looking to defend married men and denounce single women etc.

Just posing a question for a discussion more than anything. It's a boring Wednesday in my house.

And yet earlier you said, "I suspect we all have it in us to go with a married man if we really, really wanted to" and, "AIBU to think women don't follow any sisterhood when it comes to this?" Why should I be impressed by the length of your marriage? What's that got to do with this? You're the one stating your capacity to get involved with married men, not me.

And then you claim that the only reason for gifting us with this sexist claptrap is because you're bored? Why does being bored mean you saw a married father shitting on his family, and the issue that would keep you entertained is to complain that women have no loyalty?

Look at your focus! Don't tell me it's because you're bored!

I imagine West did it cause he wanted her? Wanted to do it and keep his marriage too. Cause he's a shit?

And yet you're not asking us about all men being cheating tail chasers? You just want to focus on Lily? Because you're bored?

If you've been married 25 years then you've been around long enough to have seen this nasty double standard all over the shop, and to think about it. Even and especially if you're bored.

So to answer your question: yes, you are being thoroughly unreasonable to criticise women when you see a man crapping on his commitments. Somehow I don't think you'd have started on about the "brotherhood" if West's wife had been the cheater...

monstermancs · 21/10/2020 16:36

I don't think there is a "sisterhood" full stop. Female solidarity is a bit of a myth in my experience and women are a lot more bitchy and brutal towards one and other than men will ever be.

ShebaShimmyShake · 21/10/2020 16:37

@monstermancs

I don't think there is a "sisterhood" full stop. Female solidarity is a bit of a myth in my experience and women are a lot more bitchy and brutal towards one and other than men will ever be.

The history textbooks would appear to disagree with you.