Why does my son HATE me?

[MootingMirror]

DS is 16mo and he HATES me. He has always hated me. He loves DH more than anything in the world ever, loves the dogs, loves everyone on the planet except for me. And I have no idea why. If he's left alone in a room with me then he'll scream. He's done this literally since he was born. If I pick him up then he'll scream. He won't take food or water or milk from me, ever. I had to express breastmilk because he wouldn't go on the breast but he would only take a bottle from DH. He just completely refuses from me but if anyone else gives it to him then he's very happy. There are no photos of us together where he's not screaming - not one single photo since the day he was born.
It's not that he's overly attached to DH though, because he's perfectly fine at nursery or with his grandparents or even complete strangers. When my brother visited from living abroad and met him for the first time then he was very happy to play with him and cuddle him - but won't do that with me. When he wakes up and starts to cry, if I go in then he'll look at me and pretend to be asleep so I don't pick him up.
Some people have suggested it's because, as the mother, he sees me all day so takes me for granted but that can't be the case. DH's work are really great so the first eight weeks he got paternity leave and we were both around. Then DH worked four days each week from September to March (and was given five weeks' holiday in that time) so was home a lot. From mid-March, DH was essentially furloughed so was with DS more than I was. Now we're both back at work but I work five days each week and DH works three. So, when DS saw us the same amount he hated me, when he saw me more than DH, he hated me and now he sees DH more than me, he still hates me.
I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the park or shops without DH (or someone else) because he screams the whole time. I've tried changing my perfume and deodorant and things like that but it makes no difference. Everyone says he's the happiest little boy in the world and nursery think he's the easiest baby to look after - I'm the only person he hates.
The birth was fine, no drama there - left hospital the same day.
I don't know how to fix it.

@ChrisPrattsFace

Being blunt is not reprimanding someone. And it’s not jumping up and down and not believing them? It’s asking for another opinion because your concerned about your sons behaviour.

I did ask for another opinion. I asked on here - where there are thousands of opinions, no waiting lists and it doesn't cost the NHS money. YOU told me I shouldn't do that.

Get ypur dh to video you and bsby or set up a,webcam and record
Then play back see if you can see what is happening and the triggers
See when the screams start
Send the video to gp

I didn’t actually. I said ‘I don’t know why you’re asking’ ... not that you shouldn’t be.

@ChrisPrattsFace, to be fair to the OP, she is NOT accepting the answer ‘it’s normal’.
That’s why she started the thread in the first place.

She also repeatidly asked for support (HV, GP) all of whom were dismissive.

It’s very hard when HCP are not believing you. Going back again and again doesn’t help. There is a need for another angle of attack.

@MootingMirror, if you can really be sure your ds will cry if he is in your arms but not in your DH, could you go back to the GP together and do a demonstration to them.
I found that GPs are more likely to listen when
1- there is no discussion said behaviour is happening because they’ve seen it
2- thé dad/man is relating the issue (not as emotional blablabla. A lot of crap but it could help them listen iyswim))))

I agree, I guess that’s where we differ in how we have continued.

@ChrisPrattsFace

I didn’t actually. I said ‘I don’t know why you’re asking’ ... not that you shouldn’t be.

Oh, ok. I'm asking because I'd like opinions. I didn't think you were confused by the concept of a forum. Given that I wrote in my OP exactly why I was posting, I'm shocked that you didn't know why I was posting.

OP my son couldn't/wouldn't breastfeed either. A PP asked if you can detect ASD signs in small babies and actually, looking back and comparing with my NT toddler I can absolutely see signs. My son's inability to feed, his insistence on things being a certain way, his need to be held very tightly and enveloped to relax, the fact that he didn't look into my eyes, the fact that he would 'switch off' and disassociate when his senses were overwhelmed. That's just off the top of my head.

Sorry to read this OP it must be so upsetting for you. I agree with getting as much video evidence as possible, maybe a nannycam you could set up? If you can't see an NHS child psychologist then maybe look into private.

A child literally screaming all day long to the point that they are unable to eat or drink points to some wonky interoception (the ability to understand signals within the body).

@mintyfreshh

OP my son couldn't/wouldn't breastfeed either. A PP asked if you can detect ASD signs in small babies and actually, looking back and comparing with my NT toddler I can absolutely see signs. My son's inability to feed, his insistence on things being a certain way, his need to be held very tightly and enveloped to relax, the fact that he didn't look into my eyes, the fact that he would 'switch off' and disassociate when his senses were overwhelmed. That's just off the top of my head.

Thank you for your input. Did your son do this with everyone or just you? DS makes eye contact with everyone else, he speaks to them, plays with them. He communicates and cuddles and plays normally etc. He just doesn't do it with me.

@KetoPenguin

Sorry to read this OP it must be so upsetting for you. I agree with getting as much video evidence as possible, maybe a nannycam you could set up? If you can't see an NHS child psychologist then maybe look into private.

Thank you - yes. We have a baby monitor with video and whilst it's in his room and we usually spend time downstairs, there's still a lot of footage there.

I know some medical professionals have said this is normal but to me it's unusual and difficult enough that you clearly need some help as a family.

What do you do when he screams the whole time? I would be tempted to try having an extended period of time with you on your own, he’ll have to accept food, attention etc from you if there isn’t anyone else. Be calm, and consistent, soothe him when he’s sad.. distract him with things he loves. It sounds as though you need an extended period to re-bond with him.

Haven’t RTFT, hopefully if you went back to the drs with your baby monitor footage they could help?
Or contact you HV and see if they’ll do another home visit to see it in person? Ours has just been out, wearing PPE but otherwise normal visit!

@ChrisPrattsFace you don't know why OP is asking on a parenting forum, do you lack basic understanding?

OP, I think that rather than your DH go away for the weekend, that you should. It may be that when separated your DS misses you?

It sounds very hard, but it won't last forever and when he is clingy five year old with only you, you'll look back and wonder how this ever happened.

Good luck.

I would doubt ASD if behaviours are just with one person. I believe to be given a diagnosis (and this wouldn't happen so young anyway) the behaviours need to be consistently displayed in a variety of situations/ with a variety of people. That's certainly the case when school age children are evaluated anyway - if difficulties are only in one context, eg just at home, or just at school, that would preclude a diagnosis of ASD.

Actually @ChrisPrattsFace seeing your other post with the PA "sweetheart", you do lack basic understanding and empathy for a mother struggling.

What makes you come on MN? To belittle mothers?

I think you've received some excellent advice already (as well as a few really unhelpful responses). One thing I haven't seen mentioned which you might think of is to try some techniques that adoptive parents often use when adopting a toddler or older child. You may wish to investigate therapeutic parenting, which can help a child who has experienced trauma and/or has attachment issues. I know that your DS is your biological son and hasn't experienced trauma in the way an adopted child may have. But the techniques and approach could be very useful, since it's clear that there is something amiss with your DS' connection to you.

That's awesome advice @DolphinsAndNemesis!

@DolphinsAndNemesis

I think you've received some excellent advice already (as well as a few really unhelpful responses). One thing I haven't seen mentioned which you might think of is to try some techniques that adoptive parents often use when adopting a toddler or older child. You may wish to investigate therapeutic parenting, which can help a child who has experienced trauma and/or has attachment issues. I know that your DS is your biological son and hasn't experienced trauma in the way an adopted child may have. But the techniques and approach could be very useful, since it's clear that there is something amiss with your DS' connection to you.

Thank you. It's definitely something we're looking into.

Hi OP, I really have no idea what to suggest other than seeking professional help. It must be heartbreaking for you

A few other posters have mentioned a show that was on recently about toddlers. There was little boy called George who had 2 mums, he wouldn't let his birth mum do anything with him or for him, he would scream when his preferred mum left the room. Not sure if you have seen it but maybe give it a watch and see if you relate to anything? I'll post a link to the episode.

Good luck!

www.my5.tv/toddlers-behaving-very-badly/season-1/toddlers-behaving-very-badly-d16dbecd-d24a-4b3e-ad2c-3521aea07763

My guess is that you are anxious and he is picking up this energy from you. Try to relax and just play with toys with him and be relaxed he will come round You may be in a vicious cycle because you think that he dislikes you you are giving off bad vibes to him making him feel stressed.

Jesus ChrisPrattsFace posts are like being stuck with the boring twat at the party

@MootingMirror nothing to add to the excellent advice on here- this doesn’t sound right, I would definitely push for a referral.

I’m really sorry you’ve had some (completely unjustified) responses from one poster, too. Exactly the opposite of what you need at the time like this.

I found hvs to be not much help unless you had a textbook child and this is definitely not.

I had lots of issues with my dd since birth (not the same ones) and was repeatedly fobbed off.

She is 16 and still doesn't have a diagnosis despite displaying pretty obvious signs of adhd. A psychologist at CAMHS said she had it but the school put totally different answers on the questionnaire so our local authority couldn't accept the diagnosis.

It sounds as if you might have to be super strong and battle a bit. Do a bit of research and try to shed some light yourself. You'll be in a better position to be more assertive with the professionals with some knowledge behind you.

Personally, I found this organisation brilliant. It's a charity but run by professionals in child mh. They were fantastic with my teen and I see they have a toddler section, too

youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-infant-mental-health-babies-and-under-5s/

Sadly, you will always get ignorant, judgemental twats, some of whom will be high up. It's really eye opening. Unfortunately, you are also at risk of being trolled, too, because you feel vulnerable and people are bored and frustrated and this is their outlet but should take up a different hobby, such as knitting or something